It's like screaming where no one can hear you. Calling out again and again yet unable to reach anyone.
Even on the days you never want to leave your bed to face the world. You try to cry out for anyone but silence remains around you.
You can say "I'm okay" all you want and flash that smile on your face but it won't go away.
Sometimes you don't want to believe you have a problem. Or sometimes you believe that your problems aren't worth talking about.
That life would be better for everyone else if you pretend to be okay.
That it's not like anyone will ever understand how much it hurts.
That they'll only tell me I'm saying it for attention.
You hold it up inside believing that you'll just burden another by speaking up.
Then the more and more you flash those smiles and happy tones to cover the truth... The easier it gets.
Because one day you don't have to force it. One day it's as easy as breathing.
Distancing yourself internally while showing the mask people want to see on the outside.
As you start to feel like you're on another planet compared to everyone else. That it's like you don't belong or connect with anyone around you. That they're so far away you can no longer reach them no matter how close they may seem.
Showing the act of being okay as you die inside.
Maybe hoping one day you won't have to act and your mask will become real.
Even as deep down you start to go numb. Your emotions and remembering what they once felt like fade from your memory like an old photo.
You see how much happier those around you seem when you play that mask.
And you convince yourself that you did the right thing. That there's no point in sharing your problems.
That it'll just be a burden to them anyways.
So why ruin such happy faces?
... Even if it means that I'll die inside.
The knife in my hand held so tightly as it trembles a little as my thoughts ring in my head.
I move one hand to grip at my wrist trying to stop the shaking but it does nothing to even try to stop it. I spot a part of my arm became exposed when I moved my hand to the other wrist. I can easily imagine the blood running down the white bone staining it red. My eyes fall to half open as my eyes remain their normal red circle in my black eye sockets. I sometimes put red eyeliner under my eyes to help hide my bags but I don't have any on right now. My hands change positions so both are now holding the knife.
As well as each other.
I have on my usual unzipped jacket, that is black with a red slightly thick stripe going down the arms and it is a little baggy on him along with an almost yellow fluff lining the hood. I keep it unzipped so the yellow teeth almost look like fangs. I also have on a pair of black shorts with a yellow stripe on the sides and a red t-shirt that is feather plain. On my feet I have tied up red and black runners though usually they are untied I do try to keep them tied. I am still wearing his red collar with a gold buckle and yellow spikes around my neck. I raise the knife with the pointed end of the blade aiming at my neck just above my collar.
All it would take would be one hit. One stab and I'd be done for.
My breath stutters for a second but I swallow harshly to regain control of that. I close my eyes softly and my sharp pointy teeth including my one gold tooth clench slightly. I try to not think too much on it. My mind begins trying to flash images in my head but I push them away before I truly see them. I don't want to think.
Not now.
Besides. It's not like anyone would care.
I bet my dust would be put in the trash because I am trash after all.
Trash that doesn't deserve to walk around alive.
I'm just a worthless piece of shit that is just getting in everybody's way. I should be erased and when I'm gone the others will be better off. I bring the knife closer letting the tip rest against my neck. I can feel it so clearly poking my neck with the threat of doing harm. My breath almost catches in my theist as I realize how close I am to doing this. I just need a final push to do the trick. My hands begin to tremble slightly almost causing the knifes tip to slightly scrape my neck. I try to assure myself in that it's not like the embrace of death will be new to me. I've died before reset after reset and it wasn't always by that kids hands. I've died by the hands of others even if it was by accident... Those times it usually was Papyrus that did it by accident.
... Papyrus...
My eyes snap fully open and my mouth opens a little to release a gasp. My whole body freezing into place as my breathing seems to skip a beat. My mind racing and chanting with only one thing being clear to me.
The only thing that is making sense is the repetitive chant of Papyrus's name.
My red eyes shoot downwards to hat I can see of the knife which is mainly my hands gripping it. I quickly toss it away from me with the flick of my wrist letting it flatter against the kitchen floor.
It skids for a moment before coming to a stop by some cabinets. The dull side of the silver blade facing me and the black handle looks like it was made from death's magic.
I look away from it as I slightly pant.
How could I be so selfish!? How could I have forgotten about Papyrus!?
Boss...
I bring my legs up to my chest with my arms around them. I bury my face into my knees and I sob as tears stream down my face. I feel a little glad that I don't have on the eyeliner that would have started running if I did have it on. I can't believe I was going to do that to my own little brother! I can't believe I was not only going to leave him alone but break his soul too!
Seriously how the fuck did I forget that if he stays away from me too long his soul breaks until it shatters!? How could I have forgotten that!?
I'm the worst brother to ever exist! I am not deserving of fucking anything! I am truly a stupid worthless piece of trash.
My hands cover my face as I try to keep quiet even as tears fall from my eyes.
Knowing better than to let others about my time of weakness with how violent this world is.
After a little bit of that I raise my head with a sniffle before wiping my eyes with one hand at a time to try to get rid of any remaining tears.
I slightly shakily get up to my feet ignoring the knife as I don't dare to even pick it up again. I know what it could lead to like there's a spell cast upon the object to affect anyone you touches. I can't pick it up because what if I fall so far under its spell that I completely lose myself. I can't do that to boss. I head out of the kitchen deciding to head off to my room for now.
Later…. No one's P.O.V.
Edge returns home opening the door then slamming it shut behind himself with the lock clicking into place. He has on his battle armour as expected from coming home after his duties with the Royal guard. His black top piece with spike like shoulder parts as well as small gold markings on one part of it by his right shoulder, a red scarf fluttering slightly as he walks, black tight fitting pants with a red belt that has gold spikes along with a gold skull buckle, his red boots have a pointy end that seems to reach his knees and on his boots is three black strap looking decorations on the front with little gold skulls holding them in place. He also has red gloves on his hands the move up his arms to his elbows where it ends at a point. His mouth has sharp teeth that is in a line and his red eyes slightly glance around not spotting anyone right away. He was expecting Sans, Red, come over to greet his taller brother home but no such luck. He heads to the kitchen and as he stands in the entrance way his eyes drift to the knife still lying on the floor. He doesn't notice any blood or dust but also no sign of his brother Red anywhere. He picks the knife up placing it down upon the counter. He leaves the kitchen after that to go on a find Sans hunt. He checks the entire bottom floor especially places that he might be sleeping like the couch but he isn't even behind the TV. He heads upstairs heading over to his brothers room as he highly doubted that Sans would be in his room. He makes it and reaches down grabbing a hold of the doorknob he opens the door looking inside of the room.
The room is generally clean seeing as how he makes sure that Sans doesn't leave it in a mess.
Though go figure Sans is sleeping on a bare mattress with the bedding tied up in one of the sheets at the top of the bed almost like a big round pillow that Sans isn't currently using.
Edge, Papyrus, moves further into the room quietly closing the door behind himself. He moves to stand next to Sans's bed before dropping to his knees. He places his right hand on the surface of the mattress reaching over with his left hand.
Seeing as how Sans is on his side facing Papyrus with his arms laying slightly bent in front of him it's easy for Papyrus to gently pull down the sleeves of his jacket to expose his arms.
Papyrus lets out a breath of relief seeing no wounds on his brothers arms and releases the sleeve he had pulled down last. He carefully moves over Sans climbing onto the bed laying himself behind Sans. He brings one arm around the other pulling him close as he hugs him almost like he's a teddy bear. He smiles to himself and his eyes fall shut finding that despite not really being fond of sleeping on a bare mattress he actually feels comfy. "What would I do without you?" He questions as the stress of the day fades away with his brothers peaceful sleeping lulls him into sleep as well.
Like a spell Sans had put on him to so that he doesn't feel so stressed when he is around Sans himself especially if he is holding his shorter brother.
A little piece of heaven in a world of hell and Papyrus doesn't plan on losing it anytime soon or at all.
They'll be together forever and Papyrus will make sure of that no matter what he has to do to make it happen. For now he'll just let himself rest with the most important monster ever to walk in his life.
The end.