The Harry Potter Parody (fanfic?)
1 Chapter 1 – Avada Kadevra
Harry nervously flicked through pages and pages of his books, looking through the gazillions of sentences for a suitable item to debate upon his essay. Sucking his quill (which he made himself, out of Hedwig's tail feather) and jotting down points in his parchment here and there, Harry was secretly feeling nervous about himself, himself and himself. Having been in four years at Hogwarts and now facing his fifth year, Harry Potter was used to being talked about himself, and gradually decided to accept it as a matter of course, and even unusual when people did not talk about him or did not listen to him. But, if he failed his O.W.L.s (Obsessive Wizarding Levels)…
Suddenly, the book he was holding jumped out of the bed and went scuttling down the stairs. Harry stared after it, dumbfounded, then why the book did so popped up in his head. Of course! This was THE Monster book of Monsters!
He tiptoed down the stairs, and peeked into the kitchen where the book seemed to have gone, and instead saw Dudley there, with his Smeltings stick, furiously beating the book.
The book seemed to be biting his toenails, and was thoroughly enjoying it – Harry could hear the purr the book made (it sounded like a lawn mower).
"Owwww! Ma, Harry is playing magic tricks on me again!" Dudley yelled, as his Smeltings stick finally came into contact with the book, and the book flew into the open fridge, which Dudley was raiding. Harry quickly ran upstairs and pretended to be asleep, while the "magic word" got both Dursleys up and runnin' into the kitchen.
Now safely in his bed, Harry started thumbing through his notes, then packed them up and was about to really go to sleep when Mrs Dursley rammed through the door and into the room.
"Harry Potter! Did I not tell you to never set abnormal books upon my Duddykins?"
Harry lazily opened his eyes. Yes there was Petunia Dursley, the idiot mother and aunt to Harry. Harry sighed.
"Ah, but it is always me! How come it couldn't be Voldemort?"
At this, Mrs Dursley made a sound that sounded remotely like a cat's howl.
"How many times did I tell you?! NO magic-related topics in this household! Also, NO magical dunderheads should be mentioned in my household!"
At this, a crack of thunder sounded in the sky, and Mrs Dursley flinched and jumped backwards – right into Voldemort, who apparated out of nowhere.
"G'day Potter. Messing things up like your old dad I see." The demon purred.
Harry now sat up, confused. What was Voldemort doing here? This place was safe…
"Ahh I see what you are getting at," Voldemort sneered. "The accent? I got it during a refreshing holiday in Australia. Ahh, the Gold Coast… It's fantastic knowing that all you people are scared and possibly stressed to death, while you are there, caressing a harlot's left b - "
"I forbid you to stop, sir! This household contains children!" bellowed Mr Dursley, as he reached out to grab the collar of Voldemort's cape. "And no more hocus-pocus business in here!"
Voldemort was utterly shocked, and so was Harry. Didn't Mr Dursley know who that was? He looked at Voldemort, dreading what might take place next. But he too could see that Voldemort was utterly shocked also to be grabbed in the collar by a Muggle.
"And this is all stupid Harry's fault!" the whole of Dursleys bellowed.
Voldemort, now somehow getting the idea, winked at Harry and formed his cold smile again.
"I can see you are being mistreated by your own family – outcast. I'll make sure your confounded godfather…Now what the f*** was his name?"
At this, all the Dursleys gasped.
Dudley squealed, almost out of excitement.
"That idiot slit-nose said the f word, Dad! Could I use my Smeltings stick on him?"
"Go ahead, my son," replied Mr Dursley.
Dudley raised his Smeltings stick.
Voldemort fished out his wand.
Harry, his whole body rigid, could do nothing but watch.
"Avada Kadevra!" Voldemort hissed, and green light flooded the room.
* * *
When Harry opened his eyes once more, the second floor, apart from his bed, was in a smouldering heap, and Dudley was lying spread-eagled amongst the toothpick-sized splinters. Harry couldn't believe his luck, much less his eyes. Wand in hand, Harry carefully stepped unto the charred floor. What if the whole thing collapsed? Harry didn't want to know. (but then it probably wouldn't of course, Dudley is lying there and it still didn't collapse…)
1 Chapter 1 – Avada Kadevra
Harry nervously flicked through pages and pages of his books, looking through the gazillions of sentences for a suitable item to debate upon his essay. Sucking his quill (which he made himself, out of Hedwig's tail feather) and jotting down points in his parchment here and there, Harry was secretly feeling nervous about himself, himself and himself. Having been in four years at Hogwarts and now facing his fifth year, Harry Potter was used to being talked about himself, and gradually decided to accept it as a matter of course, and even unusual when people did not talk about him or did not listen to him. But, if he failed his O.W.L.s (Obsessive Wizarding Levels)…
Suddenly, the book he was holding jumped out of the bed and went scuttling down the stairs. Harry stared after it, dumbfounded, then why the book did so popped up in his head. Of course! This was THE Monster book of Monsters!
He tiptoed down the stairs, and peeked into the kitchen where the book seemed to have gone, and instead saw Dudley there, with his Smeltings stick, furiously beating the book.
The book seemed to be biting his toenails, and was thoroughly enjoying it – Harry could hear the purr the book made (it sounded like a lawn mower).
"Owwww! Ma, Harry is playing magic tricks on me again!" Dudley yelled, as his Smeltings stick finally came into contact with the book, and the book flew into the open fridge, which Dudley was raiding. Harry quickly ran upstairs and pretended to be asleep, while the "magic word" got both Dursleys up and runnin' into the kitchen.
Now safely in his bed, Harry started thumbing through his notes, then packed them up and was about to really go to sleep when Mrs Dursley rammed through the door and into the room.
"Harry Potter! Did I not tell you to never set abnormal books upon my Duddykins?"
Harry lazily opened his eyes. Yes there was Petunia Dursley, the idiot mother and aunt to Harry. Harry sighed.
"Ah, but it is always me! How come it couldn't be Voldemort?"
At this, Mrs Dursley made a sound that sounded remotely like a cat's howl.
"How many times did I tell you?! NO magic-related topics in this household! Also, NO magical dunderheads should be mentioned in my household!"
At this, a crack of thunder sounded in the sky, and Mrs Dursley flinched and jumped backwards – right into Voldemort, who apparated out of nowhere.
"G'day Potter. Messing things up like your old dad I see." The demon purred.
Harry now sat up, confused. What was Voldemort doing here? This place was safe…
"Ahh I see what you are getting at," Voldemort sneered. "The accent? I got it during a refreshing holiday in Australia. Ahh, the Gold Coast… It's fantastic knowing that all you people are scared and possibly stressed to death, while you are there, caressing a harlot's left b - "
"I forbid you to stop, sir! This household contains children!" bellowed Mr Dursley, as he reached out to grab the collar of Voldemort's cape. "And no more hocus-pocus business in here!"
Voldemort was utterly shocked, and so was Harry. Didn't Mr Dursley know who that was? He looked at Voldemort, dreading what might take place next. But he too could see that Voldemort was utterly shocked also to be grabbed in the collar by a Muggle.
"And this is all stupid Harry's fault!" the whole of Dursleys bellowed.
Voldemort, now somehow getting the idea, winked at Harry and formed his cold smile again.
"I can see you are being mistreated by your own family – outcast. I'll make sure your confounded godfather…Now what the f*** was his name?"
At this, all the Dursleys gasped.
Dudley squealed, almost out of excitement.
"That idiot slit-nose said the f word, Dad! Could I use my Smeltings stick on him?"
"Go ahead, my son," replied Mr Dursley.
Dudley raised his Smeltings stick.
Voldemort fished out his wand.
Harry, his whole body rigid, could do nothing but watch.
"Avada Kadevra!" Voldemort hissed, and green light flooded the room.
* * *
When Harry opened his eyes once more, the second floor, apart from his bed, was in a smouldering heap, and Dudley was lying spread-eagled amongst the toothpick-sized splinters. Harry couldn't believe his luck, much less his eyes. Wand in hand, Harry carefully stepped unto the charred floor. What if the whole thing collapsed? Harry didn't want to know. (but then it probably wouldn't of course, Dudley is lying there and it still didn't collapse…)