The Naked Colonel Was Bare
or
Feeling Loopy
by
Denise
Teal'c walked through the corridors of the SGC, searching for Colonel O'Neill. They were now six hours into their loop and the colonel had disappeared once again, leaving Teal'c and Daniel Jackson to work alone on translating the writings from the planet. They had been working studiously and Teal'c had taken a short break. He'd returned to find Daniel Jackson alone in his office with no idea that O'Neill had even left, much less where he was. While he understood the human need to relax, he found himself growing increasingly discontented with O'Neill's infantile behavior. A tiny part of his brain wondered if the man even wanted the loop fixed...perhaps he was enjoying 'no consequences' too much. Daniel Jackson had indeed created a monster when he suggested the more creative uses of the loop. Once Colonel O'Neill had realized any actions taken during a loop would immediately be erased, his behavior had become increasingly erratic.
It had all started innocently enough. Throwing pottery was a useful skill, and one the colonel seemed to have a particular aptitude for. Riding a bicycle through the hallways was good exercise.
And after their putting sessions in the gate room, Teal'c was looking forward to being able to leave the mountain and practice for real. Golf was one of the few Tau'ri sports he liked.
In the past few loops however, O'Neill's actions had surpassed even Teal'c's vivid imagination. He had perhaps been more shocked than Major Carter and General Hammond when the man had 'laid one on her' in the control room. Though he knew she had no memory of the event, Teal'c still felt an annoyance at the colonel's behavior towards their friend.
Teal'c feared the frustration of having to re-live the same few hours over and over were taking a greater toll on the man than any Goa'uld torture ever had.
"Oh for crying out loud," he heard echoing loudly from the rec. room on level 19. From the amount of exasperation in the man's voice you would think he was in the infirmary being examined...yet again.
Teal'c cautiously entered the room, not quite sure what to expect. Given O'Neill's current level of frustration he would not have put it past the man to get Colonel Maybourne brought to Cheyenne Mountain so he could fulfill a dream and shoot the odious little man.
Teal'c paused, a smile creeping across his face. That was a most excellent idea. Perhaps one he should suggest to the colonel for future loops. Maybe they could use different methods...kill Maybourne several times...there was this method on Chulak that consisted of two mad dogs and a pound of bacon...
He paused in his planning as he entered the room and saw O'Neill sprawled on one of the sofas, staring at the television set in disgust. He walked into the room and sat beside the man. "You are 'taking a break'?" he asked evenly, already knowing the answer.
"Sure. Why not? We've been conjugating Latin for the last six loops. I'm going to be non compus mentus if I don't veg out a bit. But you know what? There was NOTHING on TV the first time around," he groused, pushing the buttons on the remote in disgust.
Teal'c merely sat there, watching the images flash by. He couldn't help but think perhaps O'Neill could find something to watch if he studied each channel for longer than 3.3 seconds. How a man with such a short attention span had survived this long was nothing short of miraculous.
"Wait," Teal'c spoke up as a flashing image caught his eye. "Return to that program," he instructed. Bored enough to be intrigued, Jack obediently stopped his surfing and began to work his way back down the channels.
"Which show do you want to..." Jack began as he flipped through three infomercials and one daytime serial. Oh man, it better not be a soap opera. He'd never hear the end of it if his Jaffa suddenly became hooked on a soap.
"Stop," Teal'c ordered.
Jack focused on the TV and was relieved to note his friend had chosen a re-run of MASH. At least he'd picked a half way decent show...wasn't as good as MacGyver but close enough. Feeling distinctly tired from his looping, O'Neill let himself relax and dozed off, canned laugh track echoing in his ears.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
"O'Neill, I do not understand why one would do such a thing," Jack heard a little while later. He reluctantly opened his eyes and stretched, looking over to the Jaffa.
"What thing?"
Teal'c pointed towards the screen. "Why would Captain Pierce wish to traverse the length of the camp un-attired?"
Jack turned his attention back to the TV with a slight frown. Realization dawned as he saw the creatively shot series of scenes where Hawkeye walked across the camp wearing only boots and a smile. "Um...," he started, trying to recall a decades old plot. "I think he was bored...and didn't he bet someone?"
"I believe so...It is most fortunate such a thing can not happen here."
"What do you mean?"
"The personnel of this base are much more observant than those portrayed on the show. It would be extremely difficult for a person in a similar situation to make it more than a few feet down the corridor and impossible for them to make it to...the control room for example."
Jack thought for a moment. The people of the SGC WERE used to...unique situations. In fact he would be willing to bet they'd pay even less attention than the characters on TV.
"Ooh, I dunno," he drawled, sitting up and beginning to unlace his boots. "I think I stand a better chance than Hawkeye."
Teal'c watched his friend disrobe, fighting to keep a grin from his face. This had been far easier than he had anticipated. As the younger man removed his fatigue shirt, T-shirt, pants and finally socks, Teal'c felt regret that every type of recording medium, save their brains, had proven unable to withstand the effects of the time loop. He knew of many...dozens of people who would wish a physical representation of Jack O'Neill strolling the halls of the SGC in the nude. O'Neill laid his carefully folded clothes on the sofa and stood up, clad only in his boxers, ball cap, watch and dog tags.
"I believe the character was naked," Teal'c remarked.
"I know but," Jack started, looking at his watch. Twenty minutes left in the loop. "I'll take them off before I leave. I just want to give myself enough time to make it to the control room but not enough to actually have to EXPLAIN this one to Hammond."
"That would be a wise precaution," Teal'c said evenly, though he knew HE would thoroughly enjoy hearing the explanation. "If you would excuse me O'Neill, I must avail myself of the facilities. I will then return and accompany you on your...mission."
"You're not bailing on me?" Jack asked, uncertainty creeping into his voice.
"I have never deserted you," Teal'c replied. And as O'Neill was fond of saying, he wouldn't miss this for the world.
"Right. Sorry," Jack replied, slightly chastised. With a nod Teal'c stood up and left the room.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Jack nervously tapped his bare foot on the carpeted floor and looked at his watch. 15 minutes left. Geez. How long did it take him to go to the can for crying out loud. That's it. He was being stood up. He stalked across the room and picked up his clothes, muttering obscenities under his breath about Teal'c's parentage and hygiene habits.
"Is it the appropriate time to depart?" He heard from behind him. Jack spun, guiltily shoving his pants behind his back. "Unless of course you do not wish to meet this challenge?"
Predictably the colonel bristled, shoving the pair of pants back on the sofa in a crumpled ball. "Hell no I ain't backing out. I just...needed my key card. Won't get far without it."
Teal'c reached into his pocket and withdrew his card. "There is no need to concern yourself. My keycard will permit us access."
"Right. Well, let's get this show on the road," Jack said, stripping off his red boxers and tossing them on the sofa with a flourish.
Teal'c pulled the door open and motioned for O'Neill to proceed him. As Jack walked out into the hallway a quirk of his eyebrow was the only outward sign of his amusement.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Jack walked down the hallway, automatically returning the salutes and nods of the personnel he passed, fighting to hide a grimace every time his bare foot hit the concrete floor. Damn it was cold. Being a couple hundred feet underground he expected it to be cool, but his feet were going numb.
"Colonel O'Neill sir." He heard from behind him. Oh God. He knew that voice. Carter. Of all the hundreds of people on the base...why did it have to be her? He still felt guilty about what he did...however many loops ago when he'd kissed her. It had been rude to have taken advantage of her that way...fun but rude. Thank god she couldn't remember. She'd kill him...slowly.
He took a deep breath and turned around, fighting the urge to cower behind Teal'c. The Jaffa, perhaps sensing Jack's thoughts, took a couple steps away, leaving the colonel standing solitary in the hallway. Swinging in the breeze.
"Carter," Jack said cautiously, preparing himself for the embarrassment, discomfort, confusion and maybe disappointment he'd see on her face.
"Colonel, I've been looking all over for you. Daniel's finished with the translation and he knows how to stop the loop. If we hurry sir we can fix it. This will the last time."
"Aah, last time?" Jack stuttered, dread building in his chest. Oh God. This can NOT be the last loop. Everyone would remember...the dozens of security tapes...the air men in the hall...Hell CARTER would remember. She'd never let him live it down...He'd never let himself live it down. The general would find out...Jacob would find out...Fraiser would be examining him until Armageddon...might as well shoot himself now...
"Yes sir. But we have to hurry. There's just a few minutes left," she said as she stepped forward, grabbing his arm and trying to pull him after her towards the elevator. Jack resisted, figuratively dragging his heels into the unforgiving surface.
"Colonel," Carter protested. "Sir, we really need to hurry." Jack stopped pulling backwards and obediently followed the major.
OK Physical resistance wasn't going to work...so let's go for the tried and true. "So, Carter. Explain to me just how this is going to work?" he asked, sneaking a glance at his watch. Seven minutes. Oh yeah, he could get her to ramble on for seven minutes.
"Oh sir, it's not complicated at all. As a matter of fact, I'll just fill you in when we get back."
No. No. No. Not later. "Actually I'd rather hear all about it now."
Sam turned to him, a hurt look on her face. "Sir. Don't you trust me?" she asked innocently.
Jack rolled his eyes. God. Couldn't he catch a break? "Course I do Carter. Just...you don't want to explain it?" he asked, desperately looking at his watch again. Five minutes.
"No sir. I don't think so," she said, crossing her arms and cocking her hip. "Wouldn't want to...suck all the fun out of it," she said, glancing at Teal'c, a smile creeping across her face. "That's what I do right Teal'c...suck the fun out of stuff?"
"I do believe that is the opinion once expressed by Colonel O'Neill."
Jack looked from the major to the Jaffa. He was getting that sinking feeling all over again. The kind he got when he heard that clang of Jaffa boots on steel, when someone yelled 'incoming', when Hammond said 'Colonel O'Neill' in THAT tone. Which was basically right before the brown stuff hit the fan.
"Aah Carter..." Jack started. He may not be married now, but he had been long enough to realize when he was in SERIOUS trouble.
Sam lowered her eyes and frowned. "I'm sorry sir. I didn't realize it was so cold out here. Would you like to come into my lab? I have a space heater in there. It's a small one but I think it will do."
Jack followed her gaze and swept his cap off his head and held it in front of himself in one smooth, panicked movement.
"Carter, look I..." he started again, raising his hand to shield his eyes as he was momentarily blinded by a flash. He blinked and cleared his vision in time to see Sam tossing a pocket camera at Teal'c. The Jaffa caught it easily and shoved it into his pocket.
Carter stepped towards him, a truly evil grin on her face.
Realizing that in raising his hand to shield his eyes he'd removed his hat from...it's extremely necessary position below his waist, he jerked his hands down, involuntarily taking a few steps back from the advancing major, until he was stopped by the immovable force of the wall.
"Carter..."
"You know colonel...It would SO serve you right if this WAS the last loop," she drawled, leaning so close he could smell the faint perfume of her shampoo.
"Carter...Sam...I'm sorry...I..."
"Aah," she said, raising her hand and cutting him off in a most insubordinate manner. "Continue THAT train of thought when I'll actually remember it...Jack. Now, while he has discovered he really enjoys golf, Teal'c would like you to stop screwing around and help him fix this loop thing," She ordered, punctuating her request by poking her finger into his bare chest. Damn, that girl needed to cut her nails.
Jack looked over her shoulder at Teal'c standing in the hallway, arms crossed over his massive chest, the look on his face reminiscent of the one he'd had when he'd shared Jaffa culture with Harry...the part about dismembering...
"OK. OK. You win. I'll help." Teal'c nodded and his stance relaxed.
"One more thing sir," Sam started as Jack's alarm began to beep, signaling the last few seconds of the loop. "Nice ass," she complimented as she snuck her hand down and gave him a bruising pinch.
"OWWWWWWW..."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
"I'm sorry Jack, but that's just the way I feel about it."
Jack blinked. Thank you God! He'd never been so grateful to see a bowl of fruit loops in his life!
"Sir?" He looked up and met Carter's quizzical gaze.
"Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all," he hurried to say. "Haven't we got a briefing?" he asked, pushing himself away from the table.
He saw Sam and Daniel exchange a shrug as they obediently got to their feet to follow him.
Jack paused. "After you major," he said, stepping to the side to let her pass.
"Sir?"
"Just...after you." I want those vicious little fingers where I can keep an eye on them, he thought fighting the urge to rub the offended area.
"OOOOK," she answered in her 'what is he up to now' voice.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Jack finished off the last of his oatmeal and let his spoon fall into the bowl with a tiny clatter. God if he NEVER saw another fruit loop...
"Still on an oatmeal kick sir?" he heard. He looked up and saw Carter taking a seat across from him, still in her civilian clothes.
"Running a little late today major?" he kidded, making a show of looking at his watch.
"I had some film to pick up," she replied, stealing the glass of orange juice off his tray and taking a sip.
"Pictures...of what?"
"I don't know actually. Teal'c just gave me this roll of film and told me to get it developed," she said as she pulled out the packet and opened it. She glanced at the prints. "It's strange...the film was from my camera but I don't remember taking any of these. Maybe Teal'c borrowed it," she continued as she ruffled through the pictures casually.
When she came to the last print she stopped and stared, an incredulous look crossing her face. Jack watched her eyes grow wide and her mouth drop. She lifted her astonished gaze from the picture to the man across from her.
"What?" he asked as she looked back down at the print and up at him as if comparing the two images.
"You didn't even wear shoes?" she asked.
Jack felt the blood drain from his face. No. It couldn't have survived. Nothing else had. Notes, recordings...nothing had survived the loop...they'd tried...everything BUT a still image. No. She couldn't have...it just wasn't possible.
"Carter, let me see," he instructed, holding out his hand for the picture.
"No sir," she said, shaking her head.
"Carter. Give me the picture," he ordered.
"Uh huh."
"Major. Give me that picture. That's an order."
"No," she said firmly, shoving the picture down the front of her shirt.
"Carter I...oh just forget it!" he exclaimed, getting up and leaving the commissary in a huff.
Sam watched him leave and carefully pulled the picture out. Good. It hadn't been hurt, she thought, looking at the snap shot of a rainbow she'd taken a few months ago. She had no idea what Teal'c was trying to do but he had been right. Who knew one little picture could push the colonel's buttons? All she had to do was pretend and the colonel had fallen for it, hook, line and sinker.
Now all she had to do was hide the picture and negatives, somewhere where he'd never find them...maybe in an old report. God knows he'll never look there.
And she HAD to get Teal'c to tell her EXACTLY what was going on. If he'd managed to pull one over on the colonel, he HAD to tell her all about it.
XXXfinXXX