"Dammit, why!?" Gajeel lamented loudly, wishing he had some screws and bolts to chew on to make himself feel better.
He stared at Happy, who was twirling in the air and diving for tabletop fishes whenever he spied a chance and then in turn tried to butter up to the female one, Char-shu-shu or something, with the chew-tarnished fish, receiving only a glare of disdain and the furry cold shoulder of rejection, which was weird because furry things weren't cold, but he digressed.
"It just isn't fair," Gajeel grumbled, hands in his pockets. "I'm a Dragon Slayer too, why don't I have a pussy?"
It was obvious to him now that Dragon Slayers should be accompanied by a pussy, as Luxus didn't have one since he was a fake faker fakey fake fake and thus didn't have the right to one. But he was taught, trained, and abruptly abandoned by a real dragon like any other existing proper true Dragon Slayer mages.
He could just imagine now, how Natsu would also notice this glaring discrepancy of his lack of a pussy and hold it over his head with his disgusting gloats of torment. Then that flasher of an ice mage would join in, taunting him in his polka dotted boxers. Now it was even worse, a little girl was ahead of him as well, and his steely (read: manly) pride wouldn't allow for that.
Besides that, he's written songs of douche(friend)ship, created a hot-spring-of-pointy-death-induced-by-blood-loss-and-gangrene, suffered lightning burns and scorch marks in unmentionable areas, and played double agent against the guilds of darkness! That was practically an uber S ranked mission of glossy goodness! He deserved a magical blue pussy companion! But he'd get a purple one, just to be rebellious and different.
Thus, it was decided: he would get a pussy to fly around him and steal fishes and turn into naked girls and whatever else it was that talking pussies do.
He would need help though, because as far as he had heard, those pussies came in eggs, which went against all manner of common sense he (once) possessed. That also meant there was a chance they were sold in stores of some kind. And who better understood shopping than girls? Or at least that was what Elfman insisted, something about the unmanliness of such activities, which probably translates to femininity.
The issue now was who to seek help from? If there was anything he learned from meeting and joining Fairy Tail, was that there were mages much stronger than him out there, and one such a person was Erza. He wasn't deluded enough to not admit she would kick his ass thrice in one beating, if she so desired, and he didn't want to chance anything, cuz' it was one thing knowing a chick could kick your buttocks, it was another thing to let it actually happen.
The most sensible option was Juvia, but she probably won't be calm enough to leave that flasher's side for the next week, and he needed a pussy, soon.
That Cana girl would probably make him drink with her as repayment, and he didn't even want to think about which things were or weren't euphemisms.
He really wanted to ask Levy, he didn't know for what reasons, but he did. It wasn't like him to go against instinct (that much anyway) and deny whatever chemical influence was occurring in his psyche. But he was certain those two tagalongs would insist in going with them pussy/egg shopping and probably taunt him too! Then he would have to beat the living pants-browning crap out of them and then Levy would be upset with him and, yeah, he would be miserable and pussy-less.
A shriek brought his attention downwards to see Bunny Girl scrambling for a table sheet and Natsu laughing like the buffoon he will most likely eternally be.
Clink! The gears he ate two days ago clinked together!
That Bunny Girl was most likely into shopping, seeing how girly she was. She also had what Makarov called 'normalcy', which meant she was smart, or something. Best of all, she was intimidated by him enough that he could force her to give him a pussy, now, if he was so inclined!
That was exactly how he said it to her as well.
Lucy took her time to take three deep breaths before she screamed like she wanted to cause an avalanche on a mountain a hundred kilometers away.
The scene Gildarts returned to from his three years absence was that of a pandemonium of food-fight, magic abuse, Natsu laughing and burning that one stool he liked so much, Gray dressing himself then re-stripping, Happy trying to seduce a female cat (oh?), a weird dude screaming about just wanting a pussy, and all the girls trying to castrate said dude.
Gildarts wiped a tear from his eye. "Gawd, I love this guild."
AN: Finally, a chapter to ooze my disgustingly immature humor on. I'm assuming Gildarts isn't some kind of asshole as everyone seems genuinely happy for his return. Here's to hoping. Oh, and Happy New Years.