"What are you doing here, Schlayer?" Spike drunkenly asked. It wasn't difficult to tell that he was very snockered.
"I need to talk to you, Spike."
"Right, the bit already stopped by. Listen, the next time you tell me to move on and decide to get jealous…" Spike's voice was harsh and unnerving, but trailed off when a phone booth shaped box began to appear.
Both blondes stared in awe as the blue glow subsided and a dark blue police box materialized.
The bottom of the crypt was utterly silent. Neither of the lovers was taking their eyes off of the thing in front of them.
The doors opened and a tall, black clad man, clearly Spike's elder by several years, stepped out, followed by a young blonde and a dark haired male.
Spike growled, "Showed up in the bloody nick of time, you did!"
The older man pursed his lips and sighed. "I'm sorry, I ran into traffic.
"Traffic?" Spike repeated, cocking his scarred eyebrow.
The blonde butted in, "It's true," she smacked her lips, "it, uh, was traffic."
As far as Buffy could tell, the entire lot of them were English. Their cockney accents were rolling out, making the Slayer feel very uncomfortable
"Who the hell is this?" she asked.
Spike laughed a little then cleared his throat. Pointing to the girl, "Buffy, this bird is Rose, Captain Jack Harkness, and the Doctor."
Taken by surprise, "What?"He nodded, "Nice to meet you, Buffy," the Doctor held out his hand.
Taking it in a firm shake, Buffy stared at him, "The Doctor," she couldn't believe it.
Spike pushed between the two and began ranting, "Listen, mate, I'm minding my own business, when suddenly as if out of nowhere, a ghost comes prancing back into m'life expectin' me to do some bloody smuggling job that gets me almost killed and destroys my crypt in the sodding process." The vampire growled and then whipped around to face Buffy, "And you should go."
The head strong Slayer stood her ground. Jack laughed, "I like her, Spike."
Buffy turned to face him. "You're and American? Yay for me." She then took a step forward, "I take it you all know Spike?"
Jack and Spike exchanged a brief glance and then the Captain answered, "Yes, we bumped into each other a long time ago." There was a minute of mightily awkward silence.
The Doctor clicked his tongue and started to look around. "I take it the eggs won't be coming along?"
Spike glared, "No. The Slayer and her living G.I. Joe came in and then bloody bollocks up the whole arrangement."
All eyes turned to Buffy.
"What?" she asked indignantly.
"A Slayer? Really?" The Doctor started to move around her, observing her. "I haven't seen a Slayer in forever."
"You know about Slayers?" Buffy questioned.
"Yeah, the Doctor and I met one back in the 1600's," Rose piped in.
This confused Buffy, "The 1600's? That's impossible."
Jack cleared his throat, "Actually, it really isn't." he put his hand on the side of the Tardis and winked.
"But that's just a phone booth," Buffy said disbelievingly.
Spike grinned, "No, luv, it just looks like one."
The four individuals in the room were silent.
"It's called the Tardis," the Doctor stated. Buffy was still lost.
"The what-is?" she asked.
"Tard" the Doctor corrected, Buffy just grinned.
"Okay, what's it do?" she asked.
Jack opened the door, "Come on, Spike."
He started to take a step forward, but Buffy grabbed his arm. "What do you think you're doing?" she asked.
Spike looked at her blankly, "I have some business to take care of." He tugged at her hold on him, "You won't be missing me any, Slayer."
Buffy furrowed her brow, "Fine, let me go with you."
Yet another moment of pure, unadulterated silence ensued.
"I don't know if you should," the Doctor said.
Spike put his arm loosely around the Doctor's shoulders and sighed, "Sorry, Doc. She's already put her mind to it."
"Jayne, Vera, come help me get this stuff put away!" Mal shouted from the cargo bay.
"Coming, Mal," Jayne replied sullenly as he entered from the dining area. His latest pastime had become depleting their stock of alcohol considerably.
Vera was coming up from the infirmary where she had been talking to Zoë. They had grown so much closer ever since Vera had stopped sleeping with Jayne.
"Hello, Jayne," she said nonchalantly, and then strode past him down the ramp into the sun light to retrieve their latest cargo.
After hauling it all in, Mal left to get them off the rock known as Persephone, and into the deep blue sky. Jayne and Vera tried to ignore each other as much as they could, but Jayne finally broke the silence.
"So… how's life?" he asked, trying to make small talk, "I mean, now that you've ruined mine, who's next on your hit list?"
"That's real funny," Vera replied coldly, keeping her eyes on the crates before her and away from Jayne, "Especially coming from a guy who can't make up his mind as to if he wants a serious relationship, or just a one-night-shag." She glared at him.
"Well excuse me for being a man," Jayne kicked a box into the 'smugglers' keep'.
"And excuse me for being a violent, cruel hearted, gun loving bitch," she said harshly, although she did more damage to her own emotions than to Jayne's.
"All you ever think about is sex and guns," Jayne slammed the panel back onto the hole in the wall.
"All you ever think about is Vera and shagging blondes," she shot back, "then taking their knickers for the hell of it!"
"Why do you even wear underwear?" Jayne shouted, "It's not like you can ever manage to keep them on for more than five minutes at a time!"
"I thought you loved me!"
"I thought I loved you too!"
"Well, I never really felt it anyways!"
"Well… well… gorramit… I'll make you feel it!" Jayne retaliated.
"I could never love you, Jayne! And I could never trust you either!" she continued.
"Trust is for old people with no burning desires, no passion, and nothing left to make life worth while… it's not for people like us! Our love should be wild and passionate and dangerous, it needs to burn like an exploding engine drenched in rocket fuel."
"Love like that doesn't ever last, Jayne!" she shouted at him, "It may burn all nice and hot and happy for a little while, but then it burns up everything there ever was, until there's nothing bleeding left!"
"No it doesn't!"
"Yes it sodding does! Jayne, we'll never be more than what we were then. Two people on a ship that shagged occasionally!"
"That's better than gorram nothing!" Jayne yelled back at her, "I know you felt something!"
"Yes, Jayne, I felt something, I felt disgusted, I felt regret, and most of all, I felt disappointed." She grated a nerve that made the muscle in Jayne's jaw twitch with anticipation.
"I can make it better," Jayne told her, suddenly lowering his voice, "I will make you feel it, and you're going to like it, whether you want to or not." He approached Vera like a panther stalking it's prey, he expected her to lash out at him at any time, but she simply stood there, daring him to come closer and take what he wanted.
He took her in his arms, held the back of her neck so she couldn't turn away and began kissing her from her hot, luscious lips, down her neck, and then began unlacing her tight, black leather vest. Once he had that off, he took full liberty of her bare chest. She, now caught up in her ecstasy, was ready to feel it.
She gasped at the initial penetration, Jayne laughed a bit, and then lost himself to his animal desires…
Buffy stepped into the Tardis and looked around. "Wow, it's roomy in here."
Jack shrugged, staring indiscreetly at Spike's behind, "Well, we just remodeled." The bleach blonde vamp turned around and raised his eyebrows. Jack returned the gesture with a wink and a broad, sparkling smile.
"Once upon a time, Captain." Spike sat back against the railing to their right and lit up a cigarette.
"Spike," Buffy said warningly.
Rolling his eyes, a thing that seemed to come to him naturally when he heard the sound of the Slayer's voice, then threw the fag onto the ground and stepped on it with the toe of his boot. "Right, how long until we get there?"
"Where?" Buffy asked. There was no direct answer.
The Doctor looked her way, "Time travel."
Her eyes widened and her pulse began to race, she managed to splutter a few vowel sounds.
The Doctor continued to type on the console. Trying to see what was going on, Buffy leaned forward.
The blue tubes in the center of the console started to move up and down again and again. Jack moved in right behind Buffy, making her stumble forward. She hit several keys right as the Doctor began to press the 'set' key.
By then, Buffy had hit the bottom of the console with her head. A screw rattled out of its place and rolled across the floor, falling into one of the many holes, landing somewhere inside with a 'clink'. No one on board noticed it, as they were all worried about the blonde girl that had just fallen and seemed to have been knocked unconscious.
Spike was the first to reach her side. "Buffy!" he grabbed her under her arms and pulled her onto his lap. "Come on, wake up." Spike moved the hair out of her face and cupped her cheek with his cold, pale hand.
Buffy finally started to stir. Her eyes fluttered open, letting her surroundings flood her senses. "What…"
Spike's thumb went across her lips as he tried to soothe her, "Shh, pet, you hit your head."
Buffy looked around and remembered what was going on.
"Let me up, Spike." Buffy thought that he wouldn't let her go, but instead he simply removed his hands and nodded once.
"Alright, pet."
Buffy tried to stand, but fell back onto his lap, grabbing around his neck, which brought his lips mere inches from hers. Everyone looked super concerned with her condition. "Are you sure you're alright, luv?" Spike asked.
"Yeah, my head's just… argh!" Buffy clutched the place where her head had slammed against the cold floor, "Just… give me a second."
"Oh Jayne," Vera whimpered, ready to feel it for real for the first time. Any time now, he's going to change it up, she thought expectantly, He said he'd make it better… any moment now…
"Vera, you're so… mmm!" Jayne groaned.
"Jayne," Vera moaned, losing enthusiasm, her facial expression going from ecstatic to a blank stare very quickly.
"Oh… Ver-ra," he purred.
"Jayne," she said in a bored tone, her face devoid of any pleasure, Well this is… the same, she thought with contempt.
A faint blue glow began emanating from the center of the cargo bay. It then slowly solidified into a definite box-shape.
"Um, Jayne…" Vera said curiously, What the hell is that? She wondered. "Jayne? … Jayne!"
"Hmm… What?" He asked, his chest was heaving and he was drenched in sweat.
"Turn around," she replied, pointing to the large dark blue Police Box that had just materialized out of no where.
"What the…"
"Mal!" Vera buttoned up her pants and began lacing up her vest as she raced up the steps to the bridge.
Buffy was still clinging to him for dear life, and he didn't mind it at all. If she wanted to stay like that forever, he'd have been more the willing to let her. Spike just sat there and gazed into her stunning eyes, which seemed to be fixed on his own.
Several minutes went by and then there was a soft clang that came suddenly from outside of the Tardis.
"Come out, come out, where ever you are!" River stalked around the Police Box, tapping on the walls every few feet, then she would press her ear to the wooden exterior to listen for any sign of life.
Jayne stood and listened intently to the voices coming from inside the box. There were at least two guys, and two girls, but he couldn't distinguish any definite words.
Zoë silently crept around the walkway above the cargo bay, her pistol trained on the door of the Police Box. She was on the edge and in the game.
"I think I'm okay," Buffy said.
Spike snapped out of fantasy land and back to reality: the not so nice world.
"So, where are we?" Spike asked, as he landed abruptly back in the real world of vampires, sexy schlayers, and time machines.
"I'm not sure," the Doctor replied, was typing rapidly on the key board, then took out a mallet and pounded the console a few times, "I'm trying to get a read on where we are, or at least when we are, but I can't find anything. The Tardis is just… dead." He resumed his button pushing and lever pulling.
"Well, maybe someone should go check it out," Captain Jack insisted, glowering at Buffy, who had the privilege of lying in Spike's lap, gazing into his eyes like that, their lips mere inches away. "I vote the Slayer, she's big and bad."
"Hold the phone, I'm the Big Bad here," Spike said defensively, "But, Buffy should have a stake, and we don't know if there are going to be any ravenous vampires waiting to suck us dry, so…"
"Well if you're such a big bad why don't you go out there and see where the hell we are for yourself!" Buffy said harshly, sitting up away from Spike to glare at him.
Spike snarled and leapt up, "I don't think you're striking the proper tone here, luv, best not to get the Big Bad angry, he might do something rash."
"Like what, lick me to death?" Buffy scoffed, "Honestly, Spike, if you're really so big and bad, just get your bad self out there and see where the hell we are!" She shouted then opened the door and stepped back to allow the fuming vamp out, but instead he just stood there leering at her.
"I don't know, luv, this licking you to death idea is starting to sound appealing." He lightly licking his teeth daringly, which was all too suggestive of his intent. She sighed in disgust then grabbed him by the sleeve of his duster and shoved him out the door.
"Easy, pet, you'll bruise the leather!" he called back to her.
She shrugged, and closed the door.
"A box you say? A big, blue box, just poof, into the cargo bay?" Mal asked skeptically, "What were you and Jayne doing that caused a big blue box to just poof into the cargo bay?"
"Nothing… out of the usual…" Vera shrugged, "But that's not the point, the box poofed in, then there were voices from inside the box."
"Well, lets go see what we've got on our hands," Mal shuddered at the thought of what could possibly be inside the poofing box.
River spun around when she heard the door open, only to be faced by a terrifying looking man with bleached blonde hair and big teeth. She shrieked when he made a lunge at her.
Zoë's shot rang out, and then the blonde crumpled to the floor. The door of the box slammed open then shut again and this time a blonde girl ran to the side of the fallen man, now that his features had smoothed, he looked quite handsome, in that sweet but devilish sort of way.
"Spike!" the blonde cried as she ran her fingers across the sunken cheeks of her fallen companion.
Zoë cleared her throat and cocked her gun again, this time taking aim at the young girl's chest. The blonde let out a shriek and raced back to the box, only to be confronted by the solidly built door frame. The thud from her connection with the box echoed sickeningly throughout the ship, alerting the rest of the crew. And Jayne just stood there, staring at the blonde girl. She reminded him of someone…
"What in the gorram…" Mal stuttered when he came upon the scene that had been laid out before him. There was a bleach blonde man in a heap on the floor with River crouching beside him with a hand gingerly resting on his chest. A younger blonde girl sprawled across the floor by the door of the box. There was the box itself, big, bold, and blue, and very out of place, like Jayne naked in a tea shop, with the words 'Police Box' printed on it. And then there was Jayne, caught with his pants down.
"I heard gun fire, figured some one was hurt," Simon explained as he and Kaylee ran into the cargo bay. Kaylee's hair was very disheveled, and she had a very 'out of it' look to her.
"Who's that?" Kaylee asked in a hushed voice, pointing to the handsome blonde in the black leather duster, "and why ain't he movin?"
"I was just wondering that myself… Jayne, mind shedding some light on the subject?" Mal looked expectantly to the man who still had no pants.
"It's my fault, sir," Zoë said as she jogged down the stairs to join the rest of the crew, "he came out and lunged at River, sorry sir, heat of the moment."
"Well, let's see what the damage is," Simon said, trying to lighten the mood. He first approached the fallen man.
River remained crouched beside the blonde, one hand softly resting on his firmly muscled abs, her eyes intent on his chest where Zoë's bullet had penetrated, but there wasn't much physical evidence of the bullet wound itself, just a little blood and a slight nick in his muscular chest.
"There's no way that wound healed up like that, or at all… especially if he's as dead as he feels," Simon tried to assess the situation, but nothing added up. With the temperature and the flexibility of the body before him, the guy was a well preserved corpse before Zoë ever shot him, which was impossible. "Could someone give me a hand with these two?" Simon asked after he had gone over and checked the girl's pulse and temperature, all she had done was knock herself out.
Jayne stepped forward after pulling up his pants and picked up the young lady as though he were some kind of heroic prince from the old Earth fairy tales. Simon and Mal took the blonde guy by his underarms and his ankles and were soon followed by Kaylee, who was making moon eyes at the handsome deceased.
"Aw, Simon, do you really have to?" Kaylee asked sympathetically as she held the cheek of the brilliantly bleached blonde, "He's so… purdy… you just can't cut into that!"
"Kaylee, I have to. There's no way that he's that dead already. I mean there is no sign of rigor, he's ice cold, the bullet wound has completely disappeared, and… there's just something not right about him."
"Jealous," Kaylee muttered under her breath as she stroked the prominent cheek bones of the fallen angel that had only just appeared, I bet he was even more beautiful when he was alive, Kaylee thought to herself.
"Don't worry, he won't feel a thing, I promise," Simon looked up at Kaylee with an encouraging attempt at a smile.
He handled his scalpel with ease, cutting just below the collar bone, but by the time he had barely cut more than five inches, the incision had already begun healing up right before his eyes. After three attempts he decided to use his gloved fingers to hold the cut open so that he could see where the bullet had landed.
Simon reached to the pan of surgical instruments to retrieve his tweezers so as to prize the bullet from between two ribs. As he was turned around, the ice blue eyes of the mortally wounded man snapped open, causing Kaylee to shriek and jump back. The blonde looked down at his gaping chest and growled, nobody cut on him without his express permission, nobody.
He grabbed the arm of the doctor and whipped him around into a cabinet full of small glass bottles–-which fell to the floor with a crash--right next to the stunned and stock still brunette. His face morphed into something that looked to be straight out of a horror story. He roared and jumped to his feet. Then he saw Buffy on the counter top beside where he had just flung the unfortunate doctor. His face immediately smoothed when he saw her eyes flutter as if she were dreaming, there was a hint of a smile on her face…
"So, what you're saying is…" Mal still couldn't grasp the concept that was being told to him by the attractive blonde who spoke with an extreme cockney accent, just like Badger's.
"It's a time machine," she replied peppily.
"And you need to know…" Mal stopped, unsure of exactly what they were getting at.
"Where we are, and more importantly, when we are," Rose explained slowly in 'captain-dummy-talk'.
"I'm still not sure if I understand what you're getting' at," Mal chuckled, "You people are worse off than River there." He gestured to the dark haired girl running her hands along the side of the Tardis, "Time travelin' and all."
The younger man came up from behind her, "What year is it?"
"Who are you?" Mal asked.
"Captain Jack Harkness. And you are?" he put out his leather clad hand.
Mal took offense to the introduction and ignored the gloved hand, "Hey now, I'm the only gorram captain on this ship."
Jack withdrew his hand and smiled, then continued with a wink, "Fine, sorry, its just Jack Harkness then."
There was a shriek followed by a large crash then there was nothing.
Mal turned his head slightly and yelled into the distance, "One of you is gonna die and I'm not cleaning it up!"
Buffy was still unconscious, her eyes closed, but she seemed to be dreaming. Spike touched her shoulder and was relieved to see that she was still breathing.
Dangerous eyes turned to Simon, whom was sitting on the floor against the cabinets, "What did you do to her?!"
Simon held his hands up defensively, "N-nothing, she h-hit her head and knocked herself out."
"Where am I?" He asked, a slight growl in his voice, which seemed to roll out as smooth as silk.
"The infirmary," Simon answered.
"I bloody well know that, I mean where are we?"
"F-firefly class mid-bulk transport ship, Serenity," Kaylee stuttered.
"We're on a boat?"
Nodding, Simon stood up with the help of Kaylee.
"Right, the Doctor is going to get a bleeding earful." Spike grumbled. He returned his attention to Buffy. Spike held his hand to her cheek and brushed the hair that had fallen across her mouth away with the other. "You're a doctor, right?" Spike asked, looking over to Simon.
Simon was hesitant. "Yes," he answered, "But didn't you just say that you already have a doctor?"
Spike smirked, "He has his own quaint category. Medical Physician isn't on the list. Anyway, can you wake her up?"
Simon sighed, "I think so." He took a step closer and moved to place his fingers upon either side of Buffy's throat. Spike grabbed his wrist savagely. "Easy, I'm just checking her pulse." Simon told him.
Spike let him go. "Alright." The vampire kept a steady eye on the dainty dandy.
"Where's the other one of you?" Mal questioned.
Jack cocked his jaw and threw his thumb behind him.
"We're trying to figure out how to get the Tardis up and running again," he replied, admiring the self-confident air the captain had about him.
Mal stood on his toes and looked over the two, "All of you fit in there?" he asked unconvinced.
"It's bigger than it looks." Jack said with a half smile, Captain Reynolds definitely had his own unique style.
Malcolm moved past them and peered inside."Knock, knock?" he called. The 'captain' Jack fellow was right, it was bigger than it looked.
The Doctor popped his head up from behind the console. "Oh!" He stood, brushing off the dirt he had on his hands, "Hello."
The dimly lit machine gave Mal an anxious feeling. "You fix this poofin' box yet?"
The Doctor just took a deep breath and held it. He never answered, just walked past the Captain and out into the cargo hold. "Jack. Rose. We have a teensy problem. Where'd Spike and his Slayerette get to? They won't want to hear this."