For fan-freak121's Their Last Moments Challenge, why the caged bird sings's The Poet Inspiration Challenge and ReillyJade's Comedies and Tragedies Competition
Also, to the guest reviewer that I wish I could thank in person who will probably never see this fic again, THANK YOU! Same goes for all the other reviewers and any who give feedback on any of my work. It means the world.
"So we grew up believing that no one would ever fall in love with us."
- Shance Koyczan
1960
"Remus? REMUS? NOOOOO, GET AWAY FROM HIM!"
The boy saw it all. The huge, gruesome creature barreling toward him, teeth snapping, hackles raised. He felt it all. Claws and claws and teeth cutting into him, hurting him like he couldn't understand. He smelled it all. Animal – heavy and suffocating – sweat, something metallic and permeating through everything else. He even tasted it all – Blood – his own? And fur and sweat. But the worst was what he heard.
Remus Lupin internalised everything.
There was the healer at St. Mungo's. "I'm sorry Mr. Lupin, there's nothing we can do."
There was his mother – in the hospital, in her bed, in the garden outside their small cottage – always sobbing. She thought he didn't know.
There were the other students. So many sentences burned in his brain. He could see each of the words as entities, all strung together to torment him for endless hours. "Animal." "Monster." "Freak."
But the worst were his parents – late at night, only when they thought he couldn't hear them. "John, how is he ever going to find someone?"
Remus waited with bated breath. Yes, dad, how?
"I don't know that he is, Eleanor."
1977
"He's been blasted off the family tree."
"If we try to support Sirius, will the rest of them target us?"
"He's family, Ted. One of the only decent ones I've got left. No one else is going to see their disowned son graduate as a Gryffindor."
"I know. Of course we'll go."
Nymphadora listened to her parents with little interest. She wanted to be outside, playing Order of the Phoenix. Her parents told her that it was dangerous, but it was the best game she ever made up. She'd take her wand (broken stick), confront the death eaters (garden gnomes or trees), and fly away on her broom (from the kitchen – something her mum never appreciated.)
Finally, when they seemed thoroughly immersed in their conversation, she snuck outside, rushing on her short, chubby legs over to the twig hidden beneath their tallest tree.
"Hey piggy!"
Dora spun around, rolling her eyes. The older, muggle boys from down the road were always calling her silly names.
"Hello Ralph. Hello Mark."
"What are you doing, porky freak?"
Her forehead creased. They'd never called her that before.
"Nothing. I don't want to play with you today."
"Good, because I'd rather die than play with you!"
They were coming closer, and for the first time she felt a bit nervous.
"You guys should go home."
"Maybe we're not ready to leave, little piggy."
She wanted to show them. They'd leave her alone if they could see.
"You think I'm a pig?"
"Yeah, a fat pig!"
"Maybe you're right!"
It was so easy – her favourite disguise. She teased mum and dad with it all the time.
The boys didn't think it was quite so humorous. They screamed, falling over themselves to get away. She watched them triumphantly, not changing her pointy ears and pink snout until they were long gone.
"You're a freak! You weirdo! Stay away from us!"
She listened to their shouts of horror and smirked.
Luckily for Nymphadora Tonks, she internalised nothing.
Not the cruel words from those boys or others. Not the neighbours' snide comments to her parents about her unattractive habit of resembling various farm animals. Not those who told her she was clumsy and disastrous.
Dora had no qualms about any lack of allure on her part. The concept was foreign and irrelevant. She wasn't interested in romance, not because she thought herself incapable of getting a man, but because she was headed towards a much greater future.
Not to mention, she hated boys with everything she was.
1990
Tonks graduated with honours – ten N.E.W.T.S. She had an offered internship at the ministry under the Department of Magical Law Enforcement (one step closer to Auror – she was thrilled), and a total of seven date offers she'd turned down to show for it. Romance was not in her plans.
Remus was thirty years old and had sunken into a depression so constant and thorough that early death was the only thing he looked forward to anymore. James, Lily, Peter, his parents – all dead. Sirius – filthy, bleeding traitor rotting in Azkaban where he belonged. He was more alone than he'd ever been. He ate barely enough not to starve, roaming the streets or, occasionally, staying in a room at the Leaky Cauldron when Tom allowed him to clean in return for supper and board. He was revolted by himself; someone else tolerating him would be ludicrous, to say the least.
Neither planned on falling in love. It was, to her, a loathsome notion. For him, it was one sprung straight from sweetest parts of his wildest dreams.
1994
Dumbledore turned it all around. Remus never had a harder time walking away from anything than his post as Defense Against the Dark Arts professor … not that he hadn't expected it. Everyone knew about the curse. Still, he'd hoped desperately that this time might have been an exception.
Even having left the post, though, the position at Hogwarts had started his life on an upward trend. He'd thought that teaching would be a pleasant change to his circumstances, but he never could have anticipated the absolute difference it made. Sirius – alive, innocent, free. Peter – escaped and traitorous.
Deeper, even, than that, Remus felt a reversal in himself. He stood taller, he smiled warmer, and the hope that flared in his chest was intoxicating and irresistible.
It took little effort to convince Kingsley Shacklebolt, an old friend from the Order, to help him into an underground position at the ministry. He worked as a messenger between Kingsley and Sirius and Kingsley and Dumbledore. It was a position on the down low, but it was more than adequate to fill his needs.
He had never felt more worthwhile.
Several weeks before the Quidditch World Cup, Remus strode confidently through the ministry. Normally he would use a great deal more caution, but the place was in utter chaos, paper aeroplanes zooming madly between departments. He was grateful for the upcoming event, making it easier to slip into Kingsley's office unnoticed.
"Wotcher, Shacklebolt. Most people wouldn't be nearly so patient."
"You've waited no longer than anyone else for the results."
"Oh, come off it, I know you've got them right there. Hand 'em over!"
Remus paused outside the office door, not wanting to interrupt the conversation. Knocking softly, he jumped to hear a crash.
"Merlin's beard! I'll get that."
Moments later, the strangest woman Remus had ever laid eyes on swung the door open. Her hair was mid-length and a bright turquoise, falling in bouncy curls down her back. Her eyebrows were quirked, daring and indignant.
"Next time, don't knock so startlingly, please."
At a loss for how one would knock in a startling manner, he could only manage a mumbled apology.
"Ah – Remus. Glad you're here. Meet Nymphadora Tonks –" the woman gave a hiss of displeasure, "Call her Tonks – the newest addition to our Auror department."
Her jaw dropped. "Blimey, you're not serious? I made it?"
Kingsley smiled. "Do you know me to be a cruel enough man to taunt you?"
She had to think about that one, and Remus chuckled.
"Merlin, thanks Kingsley! Mum will wet herself – she didn't believe I could do it!"
Remus started as the ends of her hair suddenly disappeared, shortened and turned a gentle, blush colour.
"But you're a –" he began, excitedly.
"Woman? Yes. You think I'm incapable simply because I don't have more testosterone than intelligence?"
He smiled, bemused. "No, actually, I was going to say Metamorphamagus."
Her cheeks reddened. "Ah, yes. And who did you say you were?"
Remus felt nervous – for the first time in a long time, he found himself concerned with making a favourable impression. Something about the bizarre witch made him want her approval.
"Erm … Remus Lupin. I'm doing some work for Kingsley."
She nodded, looking puzzled. "Where have I heard that name before? Hm …"
"I was a teacher at Hogwarts this last year."
"Ah, yes!" she slapped herself in the forehead. "You're Sirius's mate!"
His eyes bugged. Of all the possible connections, that was the last one he would have expected her to know of. Thinking that Kingsley must be as alarmed as he was, he glanced at the older man. Kingsley only smiled fondly at Tonks and shook his head.
"Tonks is Sirius's cousin and one of the few aware of his innocence."
He looked back at her, realisation now dawning on him. He remembered meeting Sirius's favourite cousin and her young daughter. "You must be Andromeda's girl?"
She beamed. "Yes – so you do know who I am."
Her smile was infectious. He couldn't help but join her. "Yeah. I believe I do."
1996
Tonks was always two degrees off – Remus was the definition of straight edge. Like everything else, she crashed into him unintentionally. He spoiled her plans, but she found herself wanting them spoiled. She never minded the bedlam of her life until she got a taste of what it was like when he entered a room. The swirl of it all would slow, focus in, and leave her with a deep sense of contentedness.
If this was what it was like to fall in love, she thought, maybe it wasn't so bad after all.
Remus felt himself drawn towards her – dangerously, irresistibly, unable, even, to look the other way as she entered a room. She held a captivating beauty that he had never thought to dream of. And the more he resisted it, the further he was pulled in to the chaos and the craze that somehow softened the cold, hard edges of everything else around him.
Tonks had spent her entire turning up her nose at the idea of romance. However, once she met Remus Lupin, she clung to it with all she had.
Remus grew up wishing desperately that somehow – in some twist of marvelous fate – he might find someone who could love him. He had never considered the possibility of loving a woman so much that the idea of condemning her to a life with him sickened him even more than the idea of being without her.
And so he worked tirelessly to stop it before it could begin, to prevent her from loving him.
Even as fiercely as she already did.
1998
They each spent the first span of their tentative relationship believing their level of care to be deeper than the others. Dora (he was allowed to call her this only because she was so ecstatic to leave behind her surname for his) couldn't imagine how she could hold the attention of someone with such a higher level of goodness, wisdom and altruism.
Remus felt that somewhere, deep down, she had to hold some sense of revulsion towards him. He couldn't imagine how someone so enchanting, young and vivacious could possibly have settled happily on the shabby, broken self that he was.
The day Teddy was born, their qualms evaporated into nothing more than slightly irksome, fading memories.
Dora cried for hours.
"Please, love, tell me what's wrong."
All Remus could think to do was hold her.
"No, no, bloody hypogriffs, I'm such a mess."
He smirked, kissed her head, held her tighter against his chest. "You're lovely. What's the matter?"
"Nothing's the matter except that I'm a blithering lunatic."
"What is it?"
"It's too sappy … you'll laugh."
He pulled back so she could see how stern his expression was. "I would never."
"I just … I'm just so happy that half of my baby is you."
Remus didn't know what he'd been expecting, but it hadn't been those words. He felt as though he'd been smashed by a bludger. It was stupid really – he'd known for a long time that Dora loved him. However, something about the way she said it – so proud, so pleased – not an ounce of disappointment or regret – made him want to break down and bawl along with her.
"I'm the luckiest man in the world," he whispered, and kissed her hard.
May 2, 1998
Tonks felt fear pulse in her veins with every pounding footstep. There were masked men everywhere – she forgot about dodging the curses and was focused, instead, on trying to find Dolohov.
She rounded a corner, blinded for a moment by the dust. And there they were, Remus, crumpled against the floor, his wand barely held aloft.
"Poor little mutt," Dolohov was smirking, and his wand rose for the final, deadly curse.
Her scream was unearthly and shrill.
No conscious words entered Tonks's mind. But in the next instant, a blast of heat so powerful that the force of it sent her stumbling backwards shot from her wand, smashing Dolohov into the next corridor.
"Remus, oh, honey."
His eyelids were fluttering, but they focused on her.
"Dora … you shouldn't be here! You belong with Teddy…"
Tears were spilling out of her eyes. Spells were still firing above her, but none of it mattered.
"I am exactly where I belong, Remus."
His hand – weak, faltering – found her cheek. She tilted her head, pressed her lips to his palm.
"You have to be safe."
"Then stand up and protect me, dammit!"
His smile was only a ghost of what it should be.
"Dora, you have to get out of …." His eyes rolled back.
"Don't – don't you leave me, don't you dare. I'm in love with you, I need you to stay here!"
How had she ever scoffed at the idea of loving someone like this? She would kill for this – die for this – do anything for this.
"I love you more than I ever dreamed possible." His face contorted into an expression of pain.
Tonks couldn't speak any more; the knot in her throat was too large. She just held his limp hand to her face, ignoring the tears now falling in earnest.
His eyes were drooping fully shut when they suddenly flew open, staring in horror at something above her shoulder.
"Get up!" he hissed, and with what appeared to be the rest of his strength, pushed her away.
"Why, if it isn't my werewolf tainted, filthy, freaky niece."
Remus's body was shuddering, the last whispers of life fading quickly. Tonks could not leave. She didn't even think she could stand. In the most defiant gesture she could manage, she turned slightly to face Bellatrix, chin raised.
"Hello, aunt."
"What, you won't stand up and duel me?"
Tonks stayed silent.
A mixture of anger and amusement flickered in Bellatrix's eyes as she raised her wand.
Physical strength gone, Tonks could only use her words.
"You might kill me now, but I'm still better off than you."
Bellatrix's nostrils flared, but she made no move to shout out a curse.
"By the end of today, we will both be corpses. The difference is that you – you are loved by no one. You will be mourned by no one. When you fall, it will be met with cheers. You will die only a hollow shell of the woman you could have been. You are already dead. And I pity you."
"AVADA KADAVRA!"
Tonks arced gracefully back, smashed into the wall and fell in a heap on top of Remus Lupin.
Bellatrix, shaking, whirled from the corridor, moving far too quickly for anyone to notice the single tear track glistening in the flickering lantern light.