Hamlet Abridged
Characters
Hamlet: The sexiest prince this side of Denmark
Horatio: Hamlet's BFF (and maybe even more)
Marcellus: The Jar Jar Binks of this episode
Polonius: The evil advisor
Gertrude: Hamlet's mom and literally nothing else
Bernardo: Has less than 10 lines. Seriously
Claudius: The fatricidal/regicidal powerhouse
Ghost/King Hamlet: The ghost dad (not Bill Cosby)
Episode 1: Exposition Junction-
(2 guards at the edge of the castle)
Guard 1/Bernardo: So then I said, "woman, I ain't made of money", ha ha! Marriage, huh?
Guard 2/Marcellus: Bernardo, you're wife has been dead for 3 years
Guard 1/Bernardo: (long pause) Way to be a bag of dicks, Marcellus.
(a ghost appears)
Bernardo: Holy crap, a ghost! what should we-
Marcellus: CHUCK A SPEAR AT IT!
(Marcellus weakly throws a spear at the ghost. The ghost awkwardly stands there before leaving)
Bernardo: Hmm, I think we should call someone about this
Marcellus: Bill Murrary?
Bernardo: No
Marcellus: Dan Ankaroid?
Bernardo: No
Marcellus: Oh, what about, umm, (thinking) who was the black guy in Ghostbusters?
Bernardo: Ernie Hudson
Marcellus: Yeah, should we call-
Bernardo: Just get fucking Hamlet
Marcellus: (speaking quickly) You mean the Prince of Denmark, which is the country we are in, who's father was also named Hamlet who died in a war with Norway due to unforseen circumstances, thus causing his brother and Hamlet's uncle, Claudius, to marry Hamlet Senior's wife and Prince Hamlet's mom, Gertrude?
Bernardo: (pause) Yes
(In a meeting with a large table surrounded by officials. Hamlet sits on one side while Claudius, Polonius, and Gertrude sit on the other)
Claudius: blah blah blah Norway blah blah blah something about revenge blah blah blah I didn't kill the king.
Polonius: In conclusion, the new king of Norway named Fortinbras seems to be a touch angry with us, nyeh heh heh.
Hamlet: (muttering) Yeah, well regicide will do that
Claudius: Wait, who said regicide (looks around) no one?, Ok, good. Because I have nothing to do with that
Polonius: Now, our next matter is-
Hamlet: (sighs loudly)aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Polonius: Financials, nyeh-
Hamlet: (sighs loudly)aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Polonius: heh-
Hamlet: (sighs loudly)aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Polonius: heh
Hamlet: (long pause) aah
Gertude: Son, stop being a pest
Hamlet: Hey, if you stop screwin' Scrooge McDuck, then I think we'll have a deal
Claudius: Bitch please, I'm the Scar of evil uncles
Hamlet: Hah, so, what, you killed my dad by pushing him into a bunch of running wilderbeasts?
Claudius: (muttering) Well, it wasn't that complex
Hamlet: What?
Claudius: Nothing
Gertrude: Hamlet stop breaking the fourth wall or your grounded
Hamlet: Whatever
Claudius: Why are you acting like such a cock, Hamlet?
Hamlet: Because I'm a sexy prince, that's why
Polonius: (pause) Well, he isn't wrong, nyeh heh heh
Claudius: Meeting adjourned because I'm bored
(everyone leaves as Hamlet stays)
Hamlet: Dickbags
(enter Horatio and Marcellus)
Hamlet: Hey, my N words
Marcellus: What's the sitch, Mitch?
Hamlet: Shut up Marcellus. Anyway, what's up Horatio, my closest companion (whispering) and maybe even more
Horatio: What?
Hamlet: Nothing, anyway what's up?
Horatio: Marcellus, tell Hamlet what you told me
Marcellus: I saw a ghost
Horatio: (pause) Ok, well-
Marcellus: I CHUCKED A SPEAR AT IT!
Horatio: No, I mean, tell Hamlet what the ghost looked like
Marcellus: Oh, well it didn't have a spear in it. It, uh, dodged
Horatio: (annoyed) Hamlet, it was your ghost dad
Hamlet: Oh my god, I totally beleive you!
Horatio: Really? Just like that?
Hamlet: Of course, this is the Elizibethean era where ghosts were real and we must wear very impractical clothes
Horatio: Of course, I almost forgot. Time for a ghost hunt!
(at the edge of the castle)
Hamlet: Christ, it's cold up here. Curse you, weather of Denmark
Horatio: I told you that you should've brought a coat (hugs Hamlet) anyway we'll just have to use bodywarmth
Hamlet: {inner monologue: Oh fuck yeah, my fanfiction has come to furition}
Marcellus: (quietly) I'm here too
(the ghost appears)
Ghost: Ooooooooh
Hamlet: Who dares interupt my perfectly healthy fantasy. Oh, it's just a ghost
Marcellus: CHUCK A SPEAR AT-
Ghost: OoooobitchIwillhauntyouooooooo
Hamlet: (daintly) Oh, hold me Horatio
Ghost: OoooooooocomewithmeHamletooooo
Hamlet: Sure, man (is stopped by Horatio)
Horatio: I don't think this is a good idea, he might be up to something nefarious
Hamlet: Oh, what's he gonna do, stab me with a ghost knife
Horatio: I'm just concerned for your safety is all
Hamlet: (embarressed) You are?
Horatio: Of course, your my closest friend
Hamlet: That's it?
Horatio: What do you mean?
Hamlet: I mean, something a little more intamite?
Horatio: Nooope
Hamlet: (sadly) Oh, ok
Ghost: Ooooooareyoucomingooooo?
Hamlet: Yeah, yeah {inner: Great, cockblocked by a ghost and friendzoned by the second sexiest man on Denmark, the first being me of course}
(at the edge of the castle near the cliff)
Ghost: Hamlet, I need to-
Hamlet: Wait, aren't you gonna do that whole "ooooooo" thing?
Ghost: Hah, fool! I was only pretending to be a ghost, when in truth I am actually your ghost dad!
Hamlet: Good, that was annoying. Anyway, you said you need me to do something?
Ghost: Oh, right, can you be a peach and kill Claudius?
Hamlet: Sure (walks away before hesitantly turning back) wait, I should probably ask why
Ghost: During the war in Norway, I was having one of my post-massacre naps when Claudius killed me by ear-poison
Hamlet (gasp) Ear poison!? That's even worse than nose-poison
Ghost: Yeah, I know, I could hear my frigging brain melting. It sounded like Rice Crispies
Hamlet: Well, don't worry your pretty, little etherial head because I'll do that Claudius in
Ghost: Bitchin'
(Hamlet walks back to Horatio and Marcellus)
Horatio: So what did the ghost-
Hamlet: Claudius ear-poisoned my father!
Marcellus: Holy hole in a doughnut!
Hamlet: I know I'm asking a lot, but can you guys help me kill Claudius?
Horatio: Sure, why not
Hamlet: Really? No hesitation?
Horatio: Of course not, I'll follow you anywhere man
Hamlet: (daintly) Horatio, I don't know what to say
Marcellus: Just fuck already
Horatio: In any case, we should come up with a plan
Hamlet: You're right, what should we do?
Horatio: Hire a assassain?
Marcellus: CHUCK A SPEAR AT HIM!
Hamlet: What if I pretended to be insane?
Horatio: Would that work?
Hamlet: Probably not but it will be funny