A/N: Welcome to the marvelous world of Harry Potter, where magic exists and we can make him do anything! This is a totally random and pointless fic about what should've happened in Harry Potter. Many inside jokes, please beware!
Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter, and no amount of lawsuits or crying will get us it, however through some means we are related to JK Rowling so I'm sure she'd pass it to us if she died. (Then again she probably doesn't even know us.) We also do not own Red Jumpsuit Apparatus's lyrics, if we did they'd be less emo and more happy! Nor any of the other products/people that we may list in our story.
"So this is the famous Harry Potter?" a wizened old man scoffed, slamming down a picnic basket, "looks a bit scrawny to me."
"I heard that," a voice sounded from above, "it's not my fault I'm only a size 0."
"Damn it Lily, would you shut up, their not supposed to know we can talk to them, or else it would save Harry a lot of pain from his tortured youth, and make for a less interesting story."
"You're always on my back James, I would die for you!" Lily sobbed.
"Ok," Dumbledore, the elder man, whispered to himself, "make sure to never insult the dead's son by making fun of his scrawny demeanor." Then with a whisk of his lighter, which also doubled as a handy putter-outer when a light was not needed, balls of magnificent light floated into their corresponding lamp posts.
"Good luck Harry, I know you will not be very successful or cool in the future, but I just wanted to say," a gleam started to fill in the old goat's eyes, "I love you." Then with a marvelous explosion of light, the old man disappeared.
"I always knew I was destined for greatness," a scrawny young boy of what looked like 5, yet was really 10 going on 11 sighed, looking out the window and holding a moldy old sponge. "I know if I had a pot of sunshine I could brighten my day. I could make my mommy come to life and love me once ag-."
"Potter, you singing made up songs again? Face it, you'll never make it big like our favorite modern English band, that's rising in the ranks, Lost Prophets. You're doomed to be a lonely emo outcast with 54359694 cats and no kids," the shrill horse like aunt of Harry's, known as Petunia, shrieked, as she walked through, "and use some Windex, those windows are filthy."
"I don't have any Windex, since someone makes me do the grocery shopping with only five pounds. On that budget I have to buy our food at the Big Lots!"
"Ewwww, so that's why everything is so old and stale, next time try a real store, not that hand me down unwanted store for peasants."
"Roger that Petunia, over and out!" Harry saluted, returning to his window.
"And on that note," Petunia slapped him with all her might, leaving a scarlet mark in its place, "today is Duddermickpoopantspumpkinhead's birthday. We're going to the zoo and since our batty old neighbor is getting her long awaited breast implants, we have to take you along."
"Score!" Harry shouted, pumping his hands to the skies, "now I can finally get that long awaited bushy brown haired bi-."
"Potter, there are children present," Petunia pointed to a small group of midgets huddled on the carpet, smoking crack.
"You guys can continue on while we run the 1000 mile race," one of the midgets screamed, got up, ran to the door and collapsed dead from palpitation.
"Dude, Scottie is so dumb," one of the other midgets mumbled, shaking his head, and toning down the language since there were after all children present.
"So comb your rat nest and be at the door in 2 seconds or you get to ride on the hood of the car where the deer smash," Petunia muttered, wide eyed from that midget display. Well, of course Harry couldn't find his pink bonnet and then the butter spoiled, so it took him an extra second to arrive at the door. After several feet of rope, and ceaseless crying later, Harry was on the roof and the Dursleys were off.
"Who's the gangly red head hanging out with fat boy?" Harry whispered to his fat purple Uncle Vernon (often mistaken for Barney by the tykes.)
"Says his name is Weasel or something, it's not important. Me and Petunia have gone to calling him Duddersfatthonglovelyamazingawesomepoo's stupid friend," Vernon whispered back, holding tight to the spiked leash digging into Harry's neck and choking him.
"Why can't I have a cool friend named Weasel who's my personal slave and lets me call him Harry Potter, the most amazing, spectacular, intelligent, hand-." Vernon clasped his hand over Harry's mouth at the mention of so many superlative phrases associated with such filth.
"No more talk of this imaginary 'greatness,'" Vernon snarled, "you increase your pompous ego even further."
Harry sighed in dismay, "stupid friend."
"That's better," Vernon gave the disgruntled raven nerd's head a small pat, feeding him a dog treat labeled 'The Boy Treat's' before stalking off to the ice cream store (conveniently located inside of the zoo for fatties that can't even wait one minute before eating everything), and tying Harry to a nearby tree to sulk.
"I wish I could have some ice cream," Harry cried, licking his hand in dismay.
"Well you can, because I'm the Salvation Army Genie!" out of the blue popped a tall, muscular model, draped head to toe in old molding clothes.
"What's the difference between you and a regular Genie?" Harry asked, wetting himself in excitement, to which his elder diapers saved what could've been an embarrassing scene.
"Since I'm used, you get one wish instead of three," the godly model snapped his fingers and on the ground in front of Harry was the remains of what looked like a pitched sundae.
"Oh boy, just what I wanted, a used sundae!" Harry exclaimed in joy.
"As we genies say, 'your wish is our command. And now I must take my leave. Adieu." With a small crack the handsome young genie disappeared and all that was left was a thin trail of slime spelling the words 'Eat at Joe's.'
"Oh dear, perhaps I should Eat at Joe's even though I have absolutely no idea why on Earth I would like to eat at Joe's." Harry thought aloud, as huge clumps of sundae clumped all over the ratty boy, Weasel, in front of him.
"Oh my gawd," Weasel screamed like the little pansy he was, "I was just sprayed by the Harry Potter. I must truly be the luckiest man alive!"
"Judging by your clothes Weasel I could say you're a Salvation Army genie," Harry choked through a mouthful of sundae.
"No," the red giggled, blushing red, "am I really that good looking?"
"Naw, but you're clothes are so ratty I assumed you must be one," at his own joke, the egotistic boy burst into fits of laughter, with everyone else joining in. Finally, an hour later, Dudley arrived to greet them in a frilly red thong.
"Like it? They gave it to me for finishing the 5136774788568 scoop sundae, only the most amazing people own one of these!" the load chortled, pulling at the string. All the miles of fat gushed over the sides, making a very disturbing scene to all who watched, and nearly drove Harry to insanity.
"Why don't we just go to the Reptile house, maybe some creature will eat you there, you poor excuse of a creature," Harry broke through the silence, stunned.
"I have an idea," Vernon boomed, "why don't we go to the reptile house and hope something eats this poor excuse of a creature." He pointed to Harry who stood there dumbstruck at having his idea stolen.
"Excuse me sir, but are you by chance headed to the reptile room? We need to find our Uncle or what not," a small nerdy boy with an incredibly thick book in his hand asked, with an oriental looking girl with braids and a baby in the background.
"You stupid losers, you've got the wrong story, now flee before someone catches on!" Harry hissed, dumping Holy Water on himself, along with the others. The three's eyes grew, before they fled in fear of the crazy British natives.
"Well everyone, I don't want to ruin the plot any further with my presence, so until two weeks!" And in a flash of green, Weasel disappeared, leaving Dudley in tears.
"Why can't my friends ever stay?" After Dudley had calmed down a bit, the foursome headed up to the dark and mysterious building ahead of them, with Harry carrying Dudley, so what would've been a minute trip at the most, turned into an hour journey of extreme pain and struggle.
"Brethren!" Harry screamed, waltzing in the doors, "I AM HOME!" Everyone gave him a funny look, causing extreme embarrassment and Harry to finally set his arms down after 10 people had collapsed.
"Petunia," Vernon whispered to his disgusted and mortified wife, "get that boy some medication."
Once everything was back to normal, Harry walked over to a cage, containing the hugest and most scary snake ever seen.
"Oh, hello there girl, you're a cute little sucker aren't cha. Aww who's a good scaly precious, you is, yes you it! I love you Heather, you must be the cutest reptile I've ever known," Harry cooed, stroking the snake in his hand.
"Can't you read dumbass?" the snake hissed, directing its tail towards a sign reading: 'ATTENTION, THIS IS THE HIGHLY DANGEROUS BOA CONSTRICTOR, DO NOT TOUCH, MALES ARE MEANER THAN FEMALES AND THIS ONE IS MOST DEFINETLY A MALE ACCORDING TO OUR TEEN STAFF MEMBER MELVIN!'
"Aw girl what is it? Trying to show me something," and since he was a very poorly educated young lad, Harry took the snakes gestures to mean that he wanted outside to be free. "Don't worry, I'll find some way to get you out."
"Yo, you over there," Harry shouted over to Dudley riding some random kid.
"Me?" Dudley mouthed, pointing to himself in excitement.
"No, the kid you're riding on!" Harry shouted, causing Dudley to burst into tears. The kid excited ran over to the commotion.
"In what way may I serve you oh great master?"
"I must use you as a bat to free my friend Heather here, think you can do it?" Harry raised his eyebrow in disbelief.
"I would be honored!" Harry then grasped the kid, Jimmy's, twig like ankles and began to beat him repeatedly into the glass. Finally after three hours of no prevail Harry gave up, casting Jimmy aside.
"Damn, the stupid glass is shatter pro-." It was then that Harry thought he felt every single bone in his body break as a tremendous amount of pressure was placed upon his body, looking up, the raven haired boy noticed it to be his pudgy cousin Dudley.
"Do you feel like a man, when you push her around, do you feel better now, as she falls to the ground, Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end, as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found. Face down in the dirt she says, this doesn't hurt she says, I finally had enough."
"That was beautiful," Harry sobbed, as Dudley concluded his song.
"Thought it fit the moment," Dudley shrugged, "now stand back." With that the morbidly obese boy flew through the window and into the other side, allowing the snake to slither out and cause a huge mob of angry people with torches and pitchforks.
"Goodbye Heather my love, may you find peace somewhere else!"
This concludes the first rambling chapter of the new Harry Potter saga (or should we say, rewritten original) many blessings to your children, be cool stay in school and DON'T DO DRUGS, LEST YOU END UP LIKE SCOTTIE!
RIP Scottie 1943-2006 He was so young!