Neon Genesis Goonvangelion Book 2

by Rick Spiff

The goons are back! Attempts to make things less crazy back-fire spectacularly as the goons try to explain their mysterious new powers. We're a few years late, but here's the next book in the Goon Saga!

1. Chapter 1

Neon Genesis Goonvangelion Book 2: Better Late Than Never

Chapter 1: When the Lunatics Run the Asylum / Picking up the Pieces

---

Yellow sunlight knifed into the apartment through open blinds, carving a perfect monochrome image of the windows onto the floor. Bland materials and beige paint ruled the abode. Minimal, tasteful decorations filled out the space, accentuated the kitchen, and in the living room a nice couch faced a huge entertainment center. Just a normal pad built in a land of fantasy where fate was decided by battles between monsters.

Home.

The goons entered one at a time and stood in the tiny entryway. The space was intended to hold one's outside shoes, as was the custom in Japan. They were not Japanese. They were American, and fit in the entryway as sardines fit in a tin can, but without all of the elbow and breathing room sardines enjoyed. Without bothering to shuck their shoes, they shuffled slowly to the card table set in the open area adjacent to the kitchen.

The largest sported widow peaks digging into coarse black hair that reminded one of electrical experiments gone awry. His square face wore a deep frown, perched over a thick neck that merged with a heavily muscled body. His clothes were simple-a loose hawaiian print shirt and bermuda shorts. Sturdy leather sandals graced his feet.

Next sat an American just a fistful of centimeters shorter and half a Japanese Schoolgirl lighter. A wiry frame filled out a white tee shirt and black pants. Messy blond hair exploded above a face that held a hint of a come hither smirk.

The last one stood. Brown hair over wire-rimmed glasses that blocked any view of his eyes with lens glare. A build larger than the smaller, but smaller than the larger. He sneered down his nose at the world, a snide remark loaded and ready. Crisp black polo shirt and dress slacks? Naturally, the former sporting a NERV logo over on the breast, and the latter stopping over a pair of leather dress shoes. Hair? Combed.

The blond one, Jared, glanced at the one in glasses. "Alright, explain this plan."

John, he of the glaring glasses, ignored Jared's question and pointed to He of the huge hair, Andy. "Go unplug anything that tells time: alarm clocks, the VCR, the microwave... take down the wall clock, then put your Mini-MAGI in this drawer." John slid out the drawer to an end table. Inside were coasters and bottle caps.

Andy sighed as if the monumental weight of the task had pressed the air out of him, but complied, pulling off the supercomputer that resembled an over-large watch.

"Jared, Mini-MAGI? Then draw the blinds, if you please."

Jared did so with a frown. "Now what?"

John added his own Mini-MAGI to the drawer and closed it, then moved to the phone, disabling the device at the wall connection. "We'll also need our net connection disabled. Cable too. Unhook the door ringer while you're at it. No TV, no computers, no phones, nothing that lets the outside world in."

With Misato's ultimatum of an answer due in less than twenty-four hours, every minute was valuable and a handful of the precious things slipped by while the goons finished following John's instructions. Once satisfied, John sat at the small folding table as kings sat upon thrones, a small notepad and folder before him. "Okay, where are we?"

"Retconning?" Andy prompted.

"We are in the Apartment of Time and Requirement." After Andy and Jared finished with their exaggerated 'oohs' and 'ahhs,' he continued. "In here, time flows ten times as quickly as it does outside. You have to believe this. No, stronger than that, you have to know it as established fact. The days it will take to get our story straight must pass by like Dragonball Z days."

"Why?" Andy asked.

"Because it's the only way to-"

"Why is it suddenly faster than the rest of the world. I need a reason."

"Because... Go turn on the dishwasher."

The huge goon went to the kitchen and opened the small machine. "It's empty."

"Just turn it on."

Andy frowned, but did as asked.

"There, you turned the dishwasher on without any dishes in there. That activates the effect."

"Wasting water messes with the time stream?"

"Yes, don't you know anything about science?"

"Clearly not... Right, ten days in twenty-four hours. We're going to have to move up our grocery shopping to tomorrow then, I mean in three days we're going to," Andy shook his head, "In three days we're going to have to go to the store this morning..."

"Stop thinking about it," John offered helpfully.

Jared stood and began a little shadow boxing. "So what all are we doing? I mean, NERV's pissed, but what do we need to change to fix things?"

"Well, fixing things is our first problem, but we have to consider that very real possibility that we're stuck here. A quick fix now needs to consider our impact on the entire storyline."

"So, do we just erase everyone else's memories so that A/C unit was struck by lightning?"

Andy and John glared at Jared.

"What? We don't want to be super powerful since the universe adjusts itself by making everyone else super powerful as well. The only other option is to make us normal."

Andy spoke to the Pervert as one would to a particularly slow three year old. "Foolish Waddell, I am stronger than any human."

Jared rolled his eyes.

"Define... normal." John requested.

"We are not normal," said Andy, and was ignored for the second time in nearly as many seconds.

"We have powers that anyone can acquire, but only through years of extremely difficult training. Certain individuals-like the high level officers of a secret military organization looking after a bunch of giant biomechanical weapons, for example-may have acquired similar training."

"So you're thinking that if Misato and Ritsuko can throw ki blasts, they won't want to kill us and dissect the corpses for having the same abilities?" John nodded. "I like it."

Jared considered John's analysis. "Okay, but I was just thinking it would be nice to have backup."

"Both of those would be good results. So, how do we get this training?" Andy asked.

"The brilliant part, my dear Mucha, is that with the retcon, we'll already have it, along with suitable memories."

"Really?"

Jared smiled like a politician. "Your brain won't know the difference."

"Oh," Andy blinked, "Like Total Recall."

John cleared his throat. "That said, I don't want to bank on us just being more powerful than the average ki-wielding idiot."

"Thanks," Jared deadpanned.

"I want to have an ace up my sleeve. Scratch that. I want to have a whole deck of exploding aces up each sleeve and a platoon of angry Marines armed to the teeth right behind me."

"You want to cheat."

John frowned. "I want us to ass-pull a huge powerup whenever we need to, without the Angels doing the same thing in every damn fight."

"We can crush them with our invincible spirit!" Andy thundered.

"Do you even listen to me, ever, Andy? Seriously! I just said we need to be more powerful than the average ki-wielding idiot!"

"Okay, geeze. So we need a miracle ass-pull technique. What else do we need to do?"

"Defeat the Eva Effect." John announced.

"Um, by planning to fight all of the Angels and go through the End of Evangelion and all that, aren't we by definition bowing to the Eva Effect?"

"Bowing to it, working with it; that's all fine. I'm talking about losing our minds and becoming useless, or worse, getting ourselves killed."

"Fail-safes," Andy muttered. "You want us to build fail-safes into our pasts so that we can always overcome the Eva Effect in our hour of need."

"Exactly," John said. "Fail-safes. What kind of fail-safes could we use?"

Jared scratched his chin. "Okay, this is something we'd want buried fairly deep, like a commitment to a lost love. Something that gives us the strength to go on when it seems like all is lost."

"You're really getting into this," John commented.

Jared smirked. "I smolder with generic rage."

"Good for you. Seriously though, this would work the power for suffering angle nicely: We go through hellish training for our incredible abilities, but suffering a huge injustice automatically makes us sympathetic characters, while at the same time tempering our darker impulses."

"I like the idea of making us related to literal gods," Andy offered.

John thought on the proposal for a minute. "Then we would probably have to face them at the End of Evangelion."

"We'd have godly powers too." Andy continued.

Jared nodded. "That's possible."

John made some more notes. "I'm betting that we can use some of our retcon powers to make it so SEELE and whoever is on their side can't outnumber NERV with ki-adept and other people with tragic pasts and crazy powers. Hmm... we could probably limit how many people are descended from gods."

"Is that a reasonable assumption, or a wild guess?" Jared asked.

John sighed. "Guess. You know how many unknowns we're working around."

"Yeah..."

"High level NERV people knowing ki techniques. There might not be a way around that. NERV people knowing how to deal with ki users? Hmm. Ritsuko wants her notebook back as well, that's going to make things... complicated."

Jared sat up. "I've been wondering, what does she need with that notebook?"

"It's the Angel Compatibility Project."

"Which is..." Jared made a 'go on' gesture.

"How NERV grows an Angel embryo into an Evangelion and controls it."

Jared tapped his fingers on the table, staring into space.

Andy rubbed his hands together. "So... you're going to burn that notebook and destroy the embryo?"

"I have reason to believe it's already grown."

"If it isn't one thing..." Jared grumbled. "Now what?"

"You help me."

"Do what, exactly?"

John picked his words carefully. "Build a system to let a human pilot it."

Andy grunted. "You mean one of us."

John gestured to indicate his lack of caring about it either way.

"I'll work something out, but basically we're going to need a damn artificial intelligence to keep the Angel from mind-raping the pilot." Jared decided.

"Why?" John asked.

"Well, the dummy plug system is like the brain and nervous system of a Rei clone with implanted memories, hooked up to a life-support system and a machine intelligence chip inside of an entry plug."

"Okay, and thanks for the horrifying imagery."

"You're welcome, but the brain and nervous system... for lack of a better term, holds the attention of the Angel, while the chip overrides the Angel's attempts to control the flesh and injects commands into the flesh, which in turn affect the Angel's body."

"So this artificial intelligence..."

"Well, for a pilot to actually have control, you need something that understands the nervous system signals of both pilot and Angel, and adapts one to the other."

"So it's like a translator."

"Well, there's more to it than that. Most of the autonomous functions need feedback. You can't walk without a sense of balance, so some signals need to pass from Angel to pilot, and you need a system that's literally intelligent enough to tell the difference between the two so separate the Angel's will from the needed nerve input. It'd be like plucking specific raindrops out of the air with chopsticks while blindfolded, and missing the wrong ones sets off a nuke. Unless..."

John and Andy waited in silence for a minute.

"Unless what?" John finally asked.

"I have an idea."

Another minute passed in silence.

"And your idea is..." Andy asked.

"Well, I think it may be possible to have an AI kind of merge with the pilot in such a way that the pilot overrides the will of the Angel and possess it, For lack of a better term. Then synching would be a lot more like piloting a normal Evangelion. It'd be easier, that's for sure."

"Either way, we need to build an AI to make this work," John stated. "That will require a retcon to make."

"I agree."

"I also agree, but under protest." Andy said, "I am not letting some computer mess with my neurons."

"Fine. We good so far?" Jared asked John.

The glasses one checked his notes. "We've covered ki abilities, ass-pull power ups, dummy plug system... oh, what about the Rei clones?"

"What about them?"

"What if..." John gulped. "What if this Rei dies?"

Jared shrugged. "Then we get a new model. What's the problem?"

"That machine kind of brainwashes them."

"Another guess?" Andy ventured.

"I've been down there," said John.

"...Wow, you are fucked in the head."

"Are you going to help me deprogram her or not?"

"Sure, I'll help. She's definitely... something."

Andy grunted.

"Speak up if you've got a problem, Waddell."

"Oh, just thinking about brainwashing in the context of our pasts."

"Think away. Mass production Evangelions, where do we stand on those?"

"They will be a considerable challenge," Andy admitted. "But their powers are only significant because of their number."

"Good observation, dude. We just need to fight strategically when they show up. Angels?"

Andy began reciting. "Bombing Angel. Hacking Angel. Angel in pocket dimension. Angel taking over an Evangelion. Angel of Might. Hologram mind-rape Angel. Weird DNA strand thingy. Tabris."

"So how to we get to the Good Ending?"

"I think our pasts are going to have the most influence on that, dude." Jared scratched his chin again. "Okay, so we're needing an AI anyway, that can deal with the hacking Angel. The bombing Angel doesn't stand a chance since we have ki attacks. The pocket dimension is going to be difficult..."

"Do our ki attacks in an Eva have the kind of range and speed we need to kill the tenth?"

"Um... no."

"Oh, I know!" Andy shouted. "An Eva railgun!"

"Dude! We are NOT building a railgun for a fucking Evangelion!"

"Um, Ritsuko was planning to."

Much shouting was directed John's way, mostly angry.

"Not my idea!"

"You kept this a secret from us!" Andy said, outraged.

"Of course I did. You two couldn't help yourselves around a weapon that powerful."

Jared glared at John. "So that's one of your aces? Overwhelming firepower? You just said you didn't want to rely on that."

"I said I didn't just want to rely on it."

Jared waved off the reminder as if dismissing a bad smell. "So after that, we just shoot every Angel that comes along?"

"Well, I don't know if it will have any useful impact on the twelfth, but if number thirteen takes over an Eva we can easily replace and the pilot isn't inside of it... I suppose that would work."

"We'd need it for the fourteenth." Andy admitted.

"But the Angels will have adapted a bit by then. We'd better have something else up our sleeves."

"Adapted? To a railgun over a hundred feet long? How would that even work?"

"I don't know, Angels don't really play by the rules."

"Neither do we." John growled. "Ritsuko had it built, it's in our laps, we're going to use it blow the damn things back to where they came from. We'll take the Good Ending by force if necessary. Now, we need to finish fine-tuning our pasts. Who's with me!" He finished his speech with a Pose.

Jared and Andy golf clapped, then stood as well.

"I've got some ideas along the smolder with generic rage angle," Jared said.

"I think I know what my past will consist of," Andy added.

"I have some ideas about mine, but I don't like all of them." John shrugged. "Oh well, with great sacrifice comes great power, right?"

"Right. Oh, what about our fiction?"

"That's what we're talking about, Jared."

"No, I mean our fan fiction and original stuff."

"We need to retcon our pasts."

"I know that, but I kind of like writing, you know. I'm just worried about writing that part clean out. What if we need our creative abilities to pull another retcon and they're aren't there because we write them out this time?"

"...I see. Well, we can work in our creative abilities."

"Oh, I can finally write the script to Action Movie?" Andy brightened up.

"Dude, you need a better title than that. And wasn't that a trilogy?"

Andy nodded. "A better title can wait until we wrap up shooting."

John waved his arms around to get the attention of the other goons. "Guys! Our pasts, effects on the Evangelion universe!"

"Hey, we aren't going to write it now, we're just going to put it into our pasts."

John huffed.

"Look, I'm just going to put together a story. A gripping political thriller with a painter living on foreign soil. He uses contacts made in a past life covering up crimes to... something something something, cue several explosions, he gets the girl in the end."

"You already tried to write that story, it didn't work out."

"I need to add some boats. That'll slow down the chase sequence and let me build tension in the third act."

"That will be a bit weird to see you actually finish Deep Blue."

Jared frowned. "I was going to finish it someday."

"And now you're going to abuse this retcon to cheat actually writing it."

"But John, my brain won't know the difference."

John sighed. "I suppose I could pen a bit of fan fiction in my spare time. Are we all on the same page here? We need to write our pasts, not stories that catch our fancy. This time is precious."

"Speaking of time, what about those groceries?"

John thought about the problem for a few seconds, then fixed Andy with a look. Aiming for hypnotic, but landing on stoned instead. "The Apartment of Spirit and Time provides all that we require."

"But-"

"ALL THAT WE REQUIRE."

Jared raised a hand to interrupt. "But-"

"ALL. THAT. WE. REQUIRE."

"But-" Andy tried again.

John leaned over the slightly large goon. "If you want to lay your neck upon a chopping block and hand Ritsuko an axe, then usher in a dozen ki-blast firing idiot martial artists, go for it. If not, man up."

---

Twenty-four hours later, or ten days subjective time, John awoke with a start. The incomprehensible scribbling of a madman lay across the table like a crime scene. One note exclaimed 'the penguins are delicious!' Hazy best described his memory of last night, but he was reasonably certain penguins were not on the menu. He checked under the folding table and found only empty Mt. Dew cans. He cleaned up the mess, shaking off the sense of unease looking at the notes brought over him.

The goon tried to check the day's schedule on his Mini-MAGI, only to find himself staring at a hairy wrist. Puzzled, he checked for the clock in the living room, but it was missing. Some miscreant had unplugged the microwave and it just blinked at him once he addressed that problem. Same story with the VCR. Even the blinds were drawn. "Most curious," he mused, opening the blinds. Yellow rays of morning sunlight hit him right in the face. Warm, but stoking the fires of the faint headache gathering between his temples.

The doorbell rang.

"Figures," he muttered. As he passed the end-table, he paused to check the drawer, and did a double-take. His Mini-MAGI lay there. Jared's and Andy's Mini-MAGI kept it company. Frowning, he strapped his on, punching the 'door open' button with his elbow.

Misato stood on the landing, dressed for work and wearing a pair of sunglasses. Behind her, the day was equally beautiful. The city was awake and the air blowing through the orifice was pleasantly cool. She regarded the goon silently for several seconds, then cocked her head to one side.

John had to fight the urge to flinch when she moved, expecting her to put some iron to his forehead. After a dozen seconds, no threats of murder were thrust upon him, and he felt the need to answer the implied question. "Good morning, Major. To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?" He had to think hard on what she might be asking about to remember the ACP notebook and decide not to talk about it. There was something else... something about his past.

"Done yet?" The Major asked, sounding tired.

"The plays," John said. "How Andy, Jared, and I learned to use ki attacks."

Her brows dropped, resting on top of the sunglasses. "Did you three spend the last twenty-four hours playing video games and totally forget my request?"

Quickly, "No." Wave as if to dismiss the very idea. "No, of course not. We worked hard on fulfilling your request, but you realize there is quite a lot of backstory we're having to dredge up-"

"Make up," she injected.

"I can't speak for Andy and Jared, but I'm just remembering things that are very difficult for me to remember. I'm going to need a round or two of drinks after this. Maybe a dozen rounds."

"You look like you've been drinking."

"I'm thinking of taking it up. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to write plays for sock puppets?"

"Sounds rough," Misato deadpanned. "But NERV needs to know exactly who trained you. Also, Doctor Akagi asked if I would gather her notebook from your vile clutches when I stopped by."

"I'll... return it. Soon. To the proper authorities. Intact."

"I'll relay that her. Oh, and your official boss wants to know when you plan on strolling into work today. Said he has to work on his drive."

"Leave him wondering; I'm going to go back to bed. I think I slept all of five minutes in the last forty-eight hours, and between the jail cells, Jared's car, that restaraunt... dear God just let me sleep."

She stared at him for another minute, eyes hidden behind her sunglasses. "Okay, pilot. I'll see you at the office later, okay?"

"You... aren't mad?"

"Hell yes I'm mad, but repairing my A/C unit is on your dime, not mine. And your other boss can deal. He wasn't really all that upset that you guys took a day off, but this morning he started harassing me before I even left for work. Just deal with him."

"Right. I'll see you at the office."

Misato looked at him for ten seconds longer than necessary, as if waiting for him to collapse, then turned, gave a little titillating wave, and sauntered slowly out of view.

John pushed the 'door close' button, sighed, and rested his head against the door for a period of time that could have been seconds or hours. When he found the strength, he pulled his head away from the door and stumbled straight to his room.

---

Hours later, John stood in his room, frozen in place. He felt like he should have been able to move, but he wasn't about to argue with the rope of living fire that tied him to a metal post covered in runes. A figure of indistinct shadow stood less than half meter away, staring at him with eyes that burned with an unholy, purple fire.

"[Not long now.]" It taunted him.

John didn't deign to reply to the monster. Any satisfaction he could deny it was a victory. He would deal with these chains soon enough...

"[All done struggling?] [Has the fight really gone out of you... just like that?]"

John sighed. "Don't bet on it, demon. You're still more trapped than I am at."

"[Yes.]" The thing sounded contemplative. "[At this moment.]"

John laughed. "At this moment, Andy's going to wake me up with his screaming."

"[What screaming?]"

Andy's voice broke faintly into the room, screaming about some creature being quiet.

John smiled. "Until next time?"

The demon growled, the purple fire flaring briefly. "[It will be sooner than you think.]"

"Thanks for the info."

Andy yelled again, and John sat up in his bed. Not chained to a weird metal post with fire any more, he should have been relieved. He should have been thankful that weird nightmare was over.

Of course, he would have to put an end to that nightmare himself to be relieved.

He shook his head and turned over, glancing briefly at the bedside clock. Two forty-five? Who did he have to kill to get some shuteye around here?

---

Around the same time, Andy sat bolt upright in his bed to a symphony of clicking. "Damn it."

"Sorry," A voice in his room replied. The word tumbled out in a cadence of distinctive clicks and buzzes that bounced around the room like a swarm of killer bees with a Shakespeare obsession.

Andy glared at the seven foot tall cicada in his room, pointed at the bedroom door, and started shouting. "Get off my bed!"

"That's not very nice," the cicada stood as requested.

"Hold that thought while I squish you!" Andy began feeling around the floor next to his bed. "Where'd my shoes go?"

"I'm wearing your shoes."

Andy shook a Fist of Great Rage in the air. "Curse you, Melampsalta montana!"

The buzzing increased in volume. "And I'm not from Europe. We're in Japan."

Andy frowned for a moment. "Well... I don't know that much Japanese."

"Taxonomical inaccuracies aside, my species arose as a result of climate changes brought about by Second Impact. I am a Japanese Super-Cicada."

"You sound like a comic book author; genetic drift doesn't happen over the course of a single generation and further-" Andy ran his hands through his head and drew a sharp breath. "AAH! Now I'm having nightmares about discussing sciency type stuff!"

"What makes you think this is a nightmare?" The giant cicada asked. The clicking and buzzing noise was a titanic wave of noise, filling the room.

Andy pinched his own forearm, and suddenly sat up in his bed. His room was dark and missing a cicada that could play center for the Chicago Bulls. The window was open, and the song of millions of horny male cicadas cut through the night air like a rock through wet Kleenex. Andy's eyebrow twitched. He slowly rose and stood on his bed, jerked the window completely open, and screamed at the Tokyo-3 skyline. "It's-" Andy paused to check his bedside clock, then returned to the window. "It's two forty-five in the fucking morning! BE SILENT, YE LOWLY CREATURES! THE TIME TO SCREW HAS PASSED AND THE TIME TO SLEEP HAS COME!"

He listened a for a moment while the cicadas completely ignored him, then sighed. "I hate those things."

He shut the window. Then he left the room.

---

Jared looked up from his beer and a huge stack of papers to watch Andy lurch down the hallway to the living room and the only light that was still on in the apartment.

"Couldn't sleep?" Jared asked. The larger goon looked like he'd been rudely awoken by a terrible nightmare.

"Talking cicadas," Andy growled.

Jared blinked, gave the can of Japanese beer in his hand a wary look, and set the aluminum container on the card table as if it might explode. "If it talks and it shouldn't, Andy, apply duct tape."

Andy left the room, shutting his bedroom door with a near-inaudible 'click.'

Jared shrugged and got back to work. Making a final correction, he squinted critically at sheet of paper, then set it down. A look approaching shock settled on his face as he stared at the pile before him. He poked it, just to make sure it wasn't a mirage, then smiled. But slowly the smile melted into a look of suspicion. Covertly, he looked around the apartment, then gathered the whole pile into his arms.

Silently, the goon stole away to the bookshelf and pulled on the Bruce Lee bust. Instead of toppling off the shelf and crushing Jared's foot as expected, the bust stopped leaning with a click. The entire bookshelf swung into the wall, revealing a cobblestone staircase that led to the space apartment 624 should have occupied. Jared quickly descended the staircase like a mad scientist, and returned within a dozen seconds, the bookcase closing behind him.

He sighed.

"I'M DONE!" He started prancing around like a giddy schoolgirl. "It is FINALLY done! My first novel is now truly complete!" He pumped a fist in the air. "Who da man? I'm da man! BOO-YEAH!" Then he broke into song. The second verse was barely interrupted by a knock at the door that forced him to change the direction of his prancing to open it and share his joy with the visitor on the other side.

Asuka was livid, wearing a robe. Not livid about wearing a robe; she just happened to throw it on before coming over, and was livid about Andy's shouting at the time. She opened her mouth to rip Jared a new one for being up at this hour and screaming his head off when the goon moved. Faster than logical thought, he planted a big wet one on the girl, then pulled back with an expectant smile.

Her face was blank. She didn't react. Nothing. Not even a reflexive blink when he poked her in the cheek. His attention span ran out, and he shrugged and turned to face... The Creatures from the Bedroom Lagoon.

Andy and John glared at him, two-by-fours in hand.

Behind Jared, Asuka remained unmoving as the door automatically slid shut inches from her face.

"I'm finally done!" The still-living goon crowed.

The other goons winced.

"My cathexis is no more! I am FREE!"

The dual two-by-four attack had no effect.

Jared brushed the wood splinters off of his face and Posed. "My friends! I now have in my possession a complete novel of most extraordinary awesomeness that I have written with my own two hands! And... And... I need an agent."

Jared ran for their bookshelf, pulled on the Bruce Lee bust, and disappeared down the stairs again. Andy and John stared at each other, neither willing to even comment. They dropped the remains of their emergency lumber, and staggered off to bed.

Someone began to pound on the front door. Jared reappeared from the lab, sporting a puzzled look. He answered the front door in a rush. "We're not buying."

Misato's right cross sent him flying onto the folding table, which spewed notebooks and pencils every which way.

Getting to his feet, "What the hell was that for?"

Cracking her knuckles after gesturing to the still girl, "What did you do to Asuka?!"

Jared blinked at the red aura that surrounded Misato. "I barely touched her."

Fuming in her bathrobe, "It's bad enough you guys don't take my orders seriously. Worse that you've terrorized half of the base and got yourselves on Yamanaki's bad side. Inexcusable that you've blown up the building's AC... And don't even get started about waking us up at three in the damn morning... But this?" She pointed at Asuka. "If she isn't fixed by the time school starts I'm going to gut you like a fish. Got it?"

Jared saluted automatically. "Yes ma'am!"

Misato stalked away, tapping at her Mini-MAGI.

Jared shook himself, glanced uneasily at the bookshelf, then approached Asuka. Misato gave him the hairy eyeball. He waved with a plastic smile, gave her a thumbs up, and gulped as quietly as he dared. Once Misato disappeared into her apartment, he gave Asuka a gentle shove. She rocked on her feet, unresponsive. Frowning, he hoisted her over his shoulder as one would a log, and traveled again into the lab.

Andy and John, fully dressed and not at all ready to face the early morning, re-entered the living room.

"Three in the morning is too damn early for this shit." John commented.

"Fire escape?" Andy prompted.

"Fire escape," John confirmed.

Jared returned when they were halfway onto the balcony. "Uh, guys?"

"Can't talk. Going to work."

"GUYS!"

John stopped and stared at Jared. "You pissed off Misato, you deal with it."

"There's an AI in the lab!"

"Finally making some progress?" Andy asked.

"It's not mine!"

---

"It's yours," John announced.

Jared looked at the wrist-mounted super computer sitting on the workbench with a network of wires leading from it. A rack of highly modified computer systems flanked the workbench, with a huge chrome blender taking up a portable work table pushed against the far wall. Behind John and Andy, a suspiciously Asuka-shaped curtain concealed something shaped like Asuka. A large hand-written note pinned to the curtain read 'NOT ASUKA.' It was signed with Jared's name in Jared's cramped Engineer's Script.

Waddell pointed at a small object attached to the 'face' of the Mini-MAGI. "That's the chip I took, yeah, but I didn't build an artificial intelligence. I would definitely remember doing something that awesome."

"No-one else has access to this lab." Andy said, staring at the watch.

John glared at the smallest goon. "Are you saying some ghost put this thing together and programmed it? A ghost with your handwriting?"

"That's actually less disturbing than the thought that I built this and have no memory of it when I know where the rest of the items in this work shop came from." Jared nodded.

"Could you really do that?"

"Let a ghost mess with my tools? Hell no."

"I meant build an AI without remembering it."

Jared and John shared a look, like two men unable to remember certain important details after a long night of drinking.

Andy interrupted them. "Is this thing dangerous?"

Jared shook his head. "Not right now."

"Clarify." John demanded.

"I suppose if we hooked it up to an Evangelion..."

"For the love of God, man! No sane person on this planet is going to hook some unknown AI that YOU cooked up to ANY Evangelion!" John huffed and straightened his hair with his hands. "Can we leave it here until we figure out what to do with it?"

"I don't see why not." Jared pointed to the lone screen filled with characters slowly fading and reappearing. "Its in a kind of stasis anyway."

John nodded, then scratched his chin. "How can it... communicate? Not that I'm questioning your expertise, but how do you know it's a true AI?"

"It's not sentient... I don't think. I didn't run those tests, but..." Jared tapped a few keys on a handy keyboard and the screen of random characters shifted and flowed in a different, more lively pattern. A female voice came from the watch.

"Ready."

Jared gestured to watch, inviting the other goons to speak.

Andy shrugged and leaned towards the device. "Hello?"

"Hello," the watch answered, tone neutral.

The engineer frowned. "No, you idiots." He faced the watch. "Number of floors in the current building?"

"Twelve."

"Building height?"

"Forty-nine meters."

"Cute toy," John said.

Jared put up a 'stop' hand. "Deployment area of Evangelions?"

"Without specific constraints, habitable surface of planet earth."

John crossed his arms.

"Deployment from their current positions if we have only five minutes to reach a target."

"Thirty kilometers."

John and Andy were quiet, considering the watch carefully.

"If Unit-02 had its limiters removed and went berzerk, could John and Andy in their assigned units take it down?"

"Chance of scenario success, forty percent."

"You call this thing intelligent?!" Andy howled.

John shoved the goon aside. "You made a tactical computer, that's all. But why does it have NERV's data?"

"First off, that's my data, not NERV's. I haven't let it 'out' since I found it. But this thing isn't built for chit-chat." Jared directed his question to the watch. "Is Andy angry?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

John and Andy froze.

"He does not agree with my analysis."

Jared smirked at his fr-er, comrades.

John addressed the watch. "Who created you?"

"Jared Waddell created learning software systems. Hardware of unknown manufacture."

"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

"Joke identified. Answer: A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck wood if a woodchuck could chuck wood."

John nodded. "Why were you built?"

"Unknown."

"What is the purpose of your creation?"

"To protect and serve."

"Who are you loyal to?" Andy asked over John's shoulder.

"Andrew Mucha, John Genoni, and Jared Waddell."

The three shared a look.

"Do you know that we are in an anime?" John asked.

"Yes."

"How do we get home?" Jared asked.

"Insufficient data."

"Well... hypothesize."

"Use the same method employed to travel this anime universe."

"We don't know how we got here."

"That is why I said insufficient data."

Andy pointed at the watch. "Did that thing make a joke?"

Jared sighed. "It does that."

"What is your name?" John asked.

"I do not have a name. Would you like to assign me one?"

Another look was shared amongst the goons.

"Can you turn off your audio and video sensing hardware until I tap this watch twice?" Jared asked.

"Yes."

"Do it."

John pointed to the screen as it faded to uniform dark grey characters. "What's the screen?"

"A logical statistic analysis tool. Pretty nifty, really. Kind of like an EKG for computer systems."

"And it can't hear us?"

"Basically."

"Okay..." said John. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I'm awesome."

John snorted. "We can't... YOU can't just go around building things like this... it's almost as bad as blowing up Misato's AC unit."

"We blew up more than just hers..." Andy actually backed down at the glares that were sent his way.

John shifted his glare to the watch. "This is just like that eighties movie... wait, were you trying to build a love doll?"

"People! Focus! This is not my fault!"

"I fail to see any truth in that statement," said Andy.

"I think we can trust it," added John. "Now what to name it?"

Andy smiled. "HAL, SHODAN, GLaDOS, Megatron-"

"Oh, for crying out loud," Jared groaned.

"Too many syllables." John muttered.

Andy ignored the glares and merrily continued. "Kit, Brother, Bishop-"

"Is it male or female?" John asked. "That was a vaguely female voice."

"It's neither."

"Ai is actually a name in these parts. Al would look funny in text."

"Calculon, Johnny Five, Bender, Robot Devil-"

"Maybe something that wasn't already taken? Anyone have an anagram saved up for this moment?"

"Chip?" Jared asked. "Heh, I loved that movie."

"General Omnipotent Operational Neuralmatrix - G.O.O.N." Andy stopped and grasped Jared's remark. "You child of the eighties! Why not just call it Vikki?"

"It's settled." Jared gave the watch two raps. "I christen thee, Vikki!"

"Wait, I wasn't-"

"Name accepted." The watch sounded almost smug.

"God damn it!"

"I built it, I get dibs on naming it, dude."

"Oh, to hell with you, Waddell!"

"That's what everybody says." Jared looked at the watch. "Now what?"

"What was that thing with Asuka about?"

Jared glanced at the suspicious curtain, then quickly back to John's face. "Oh, that's right; I finally finished Deep Blue!"

"WHY ME, GOD?!" John screamed at the heavens. "WHY ME?!"

"Seriously, this is the kind of reactions I get from you guys?"

"This is good stuff, actually," Andy mused, flipping through the stack of pages. "Wait, did you show this 'story' to Asuka?"

"She's not on my beta list." Jared snapped his fingers. "Gotta find an agent tomorrow."

John sighed and rubbed at his eyes. "Back to plan A; I'm going to work."

"I'm going to take Asuka to a doctor," Jared offered.

"I'm going... to train Shinji." Andy stated. "I'll see you two at the office."

---

Back in the apartment, Andy retired to the kitchen for breakfast since he had a few hours before Shinji was due to even wake up.

John watched the bookshelf close with a glint in his eye and a glare in his lenses. He drew near the bookshelf, particularly a trio of stone bronze busts in the middle. The distinctive faces of John Woo, Shigeru Miyamoto, and Bruce Lee sat there wait, daring him. They hadn't a chance to use the Goon Poles. He wondered vaguely when exactly they had been installed. Then he wondered why they hadn't had the chance to use them yet. Shrugging, he considered. Then he debated. Then he grabbed the Miyamoto bust and pulled. The metal head tilted out over the floor as if to tumble free and smash some toes, but stopped with an audible click. A small keypad popped out of a hidden compartment behind the head. Jared punched in a code, then the bookshelf retracted to reveal an old fashioned brass fire pole.

"Well, at least they look nice," John said after a few seconds of admiration, and grabbed on for the ride.

---

Some unknown number of seconds later, he arrived.

The smell hit him almost before his eyes locked onto the room. The musty rot of old bread in a tawdry tryst with the acrid tang of disinfectant and the nose-wrinkling horror of sweat and shoe leather.

He'd arrived in a lunch room.

"What the fuck?!"

A small man wearing glasses, bent over a plate of something not really identifiable but probably of interest to some human rights groups, glared at him as if personally insulted. "Hey! I'm hungry!" He growled.

John ignored the man, glancing up at the white ceiling of the room and pondering how he'd arrived here. The poles were supposed to take him to the prep deck of the Eva cages, where he could grab a plug suit, or in a really big hurry, just jump into Unit-05. The poles were a truly brilliant plan, and he was mostly sure that if he thought about it long enough, he'd remember having them installed. Now if only they worked in a vaguely logical manner...

He cleared his throat and addressed the only other person in the huge lunch room, taking in the NERV ID badge as a matter of course. "Sorry, I was a bit rattled there; I didn't mean to insult you or today's menu choices."

The man looked up from his... fo... sus... stuff, and shook his head. "I'm sorry for barking at you like that, lad. Just a bit grumpy in the mornings. And I know this slop isn't good for me, but breakfast is breakfast."

"Indeed," John nodded back. "Um, where are we?"

The man gave John a careful glance again. "In the lunch room. Next to a table."

"Right. Thanks."

"Don't mention it."

"I won't." John stepped away from the man and brought up the map on his Mini-MAGI. He had almost figured out where in NERV the Goon Pole had taken him when it rang with an incoming call. The ID read 'Central Dogma,' giving him only a second's pause before picking up. "House of the Lord, God speaking."

"Very funny, Genoni." Shigeru said over the link. "We've got some alarms going off here. Did you just teleport into the base?"

John shrugged. "Yes. Just testing something out."

"Is there an emergency we need to be aware of?"

John considered making a quip about either the smell or the quality of the food in this eating area, but given that he never ate in this particular lunch room, and also given that he wasn't in the mood to tackle the Goon Pole delivery problem when he had a notebook to finish working on, the quip died quietly and was buried in an unmarked grave at the end of a lonely road in the middle of nowhere. "No. Like I said, just a test. I'll be taking a more normal route to my office now. Thank you for checking with me."

"Just trying to keep the body count low. Bye." Shigeru signed off.

John sighed. "Focus. Notebook."

---

At The Appropriate Hour, Andy left The Apartment for next door. Crashing through the wall would have been the more direct route for the King of All Creation to take to get to his current charge, but letting the door close behind him felt more suitable for some reason. Perhaps...

Andy shook his head. No time to second-guess himself now. It was time to train! Time to instruct the Invertebrate in the ways of kicking ass! Time to open the door in front of him with a Huge Kick!

He paused, foot raised to strike. Right now, wouldn't someone tackle him to the ground, determined to make a fool of his superior power? His foot hovered in the air before him. The tackle never came. Not even a verbal protest. This was getting boring. He lowered his leg and tore the door open with his bare hands, stalking into the main room. His gaze caught Shinji's Mini-MAGI sitting on the little table by the entrance, framed by three empty beer cans.

Mini-MAGI, but not pilot. Kitchen?

Andy dashed into the next room, and was foiled by the absence of his prey.

He strode down the hallway to Shinji's room, whipping the door open and yanking the covers off of a surprised Shinji who... did nothing because the bed was empty.

A clever one, eh?

He checked under the bed; the obvious route of escape, then the closet, then double-checked the window-it didn't even open, but Shinji could be resourceful when called upon. He checked the closet again. Where the hell was Shinji?

"Bathroom!"

Andy dashed across the hallway, flinging open the door to surprise the towels.

"Okay." The place was dead silent. He sniffed, the smells of a hurried breakfast and a few quick showers replaying over his senses. He checked the entrance again; bookbags were gone, as were outside shoes. His amazing powers of deduction sprang into action; Shinji had already left for school, but without his Mini-MAGI.

He could always call up NERV and ask for the security detail that followed the pilots to tell him where the little tyke was in his morning schedule. Yes; he could do that.

Andy pulled out a can of face paint and added some to his face as appropriate. "Hah! Warpaint! The Hunt is on! I cannot admit defeat this early in the game; I must track down the boy with my own skill and cunning! Take that, secret security squad!" Pumping a fist in the air to make sure his declaration carried the proper weight, he took another quick sniff of the air, and left the apartment, hot on the pilot's trail.

---

Andy made it to street level and was half a block east of the apartment building before the trail left the ground for some stairs leading up to a train platform.

Damn it. If that kid got on a train, his scent could be totally lost.

The goon considered some alternatives. One, he could level the entire city in a hail of ki blasts and sift through the rubble for the remains of the pilot. Of course, Shinji would likely be dead. He was terrible alive, and as a corpse he would pose even less of a threat to the Angels. Maybe he would improve after taking a few laps on Snake Way... Wait a minute, weren't the dead supposed to be fearless in the face of certain death? Andy went back to the Dragonball idea. The only problem was that The Glorious Mucha didn't have any. Okay, so that plan needed to be put on the back-burner until his Techno-Serf could devise a means to find them.

But back to Shinji. He had to find that kid.

He spent a minute accessing the map on his Mini-MAGI and tracing a route from Shinji's school back to the apartment building. As he suspected, the closest station was the very one before him.

He floated up the stairs, then barged into the train that was stopped at the platform. He kind of knocked aside several normal humans, but that was to be expected. They could not occupy the same space he occupied; that was but a simple lesson in physics.

In the train, Andy sniffed the air and quickly analyzed the results. "Sweat... and shame." He glared a cluster of giggling girls, and after a moment they left his his line of sight. His target was now revealed.

Hunched over.

Alone.

Listening to that stupid music player.

Andy danced a small jig. Success! And he didn't even have to blow anything up or-heaven forbid-wait for another train! That alone was almost reason to celebrate.

Andy pushed Shinji off the bench and watched him hit the floor, coming to a rest on his side... in the exact same position. Frozen? Andy knelt and checked him. Warm to the touch, still breathing. Eyes... unfocused.

"Invertebrate, snap out of it!"

"Aw, that's the second one this week," Said a voice behind him.

Andy had the owner of said voice up against the window of the train and in an arm lock before the man could blink. "Name." Andy breathed.

"I... don't know your name!" The panicked man said.

"What. Is. Your. Name?" Andy ground out.

"D-Daisuke! Daisuke Shiratori."

Andy released the man. "Hm, not a Main Character, then."

"What?"

"Begone, random passerby! I have a Main Character to look after."

"What?"

Andy ignored the man, and stared at the pilot for five seconds. "Okay, I'm out of ideas, what would you do?"

That guy, whatever his name was, stared back. The goon was used to that look. He often wondered what it meant, but time was short and he could puzzle it out later with this Vast Brain Capacity. Oh, the man had said something. And he'd missed it. Oh well, maybe Genoni could prove himself useful.

Andy pulled out a large sack and scooped the youth into it, mindful of how the floor smelled to his Finely Tuned Senses. Then he left through the roof.

Fifty feet straight up, he corrected his mental notes. The train's roof was made of fiberglass, not balsa wood, and he would have a minor headache later.

---

After John and Andy left the lab, Jared spent a few hours picking over his equipment. Nothing seemed too out of place, but the AI truly had not appeared from nowhere. An entire system presumably needed to create it occupied a workbench that used to hold... something. Something was there before whatever was there now was there now. He double-checked his equipment, catalogued everything in the storage room, and re-read all of his own notes.

Either he had built the AI, or someone perfectly imitated his handwriting and style of putting down ideas and wrote up a bunch of forged notes to make him think he'd built the AI. The weirdest part was how he was sure these exacts notes had been written by him-but for a different project.

By the time his stomach growled, the lab was spotless, and the goon's thoughts were a tangled mess. Plus, the growling stomach meant he was late for meeting Saseko.

Sighing, he pulled away the curtain covering Asuka. She was still in a thick neck-to-ankle robe. Well, nothing a little B&E couldn't fix, but unless he was really sneaky or decided to risk a shootout and car chase only to explain to Misato why he was stealing clothes from Asuka's room at... New plan! Part one: Take Asuka to NERV in her bathrobe. Part two: Con John into handling this mess. Part three: ...Profit?

He threw the girl over his shoulder as one would a log and trudged back up to the living room. After the bookshelf closed, an idea in the shape of Bruce Lee's face stared at him.

"To the Goon Poles!" He shouted. He tugged on the bust, entered the code, then grabbed onto the revealed pole with Asuka over his shoulder.

---

Jared arrived in an anonymous green hallway eight seconds later and set Asuka on the floor, careful to keep her from toppling over. He brushed some errant dust from the sleeve of her school uniform while checking the empty hallway for any bystanders.

"Those Goon Poles could use a cleaning, and they were only installed last Tuesday." Jared blinked.

School uniform?

"...And clearly, we still have some bugs to work out." Then glanced down at himself. "Why am I wearing a female school uniform in my size! Seriously, turquoise is my color, but not this much of it. Really throws off the blue in my eyes."

He ducked into a nearby storage closet and changed, returning only a minute later in more comfortable slacks and a button-down shirt. He returned Asuka to his shoulder and walked off in a random direction, intending to run into Misato, hopefully without her trying to kill him.

Through the next door, he found her. He checked himself quickly. He was still alive! Lucky!

Misato turned off the terminal she was using and swiveled to face the goon. "Waddell?"

"Major, I'm looking for... well, I'm trying to solve the problem I caused earlier this morning."

Katsuragi made a point of looking at the girl over Jared's shoulder. "I see. Play finished?"

"Um, give me a week or two. Need to polish the dialog a bit. Aren't you interested in how Asuka's doing?"

"A week? And I know you will treat her with the utmost respect and snap her completely out of this funk if you value all that you hold dear in this world."

"Yeah... you know how hard it is to make ninja uniforms for sock puppets?"

"I just wanted a report, pilot."

Cue tears. "But... but... but... Scripts! The whole musical bit with the dancing..."

"Don't start with me, pilot. Your life can't possibly be that interesting."

"I'm writing a damn musical! You can't rush these things!"

"I can and I am."

"Fine! Be that way!"

Jared left the way he came, wishing he could slam the door to make his point better. That Major, how dare she disrespect his work. He turned in the direction of the elevators and nearly jumped out of his skin when he plowed into Yamanaki.

"Waddell you imbecile!"

"Sorry sir."

"I've got a beverage here!" The Chief made a show of steadying his coffee.

"Sorry sir."

"...Is that Sohryu you have over your shoulder?"

"Um, yes?"

"How is she doing?"

Jared blinked. "A little sore, I think. Otherwise she just needs to come to terms with a few unpleasant truths."

"Ah, I see." Yamanaki swirled his coffee around absently. "Katsuragi said you were working on an important assignment yesterday."

"We were."

"Care to elaborate?"

"Not at all, sir."

Yamanaki narrowed his eyes at the goon.

"Is that all, sir?"

"Not really, pilot. I have a concern."

"Oh?"

"Yes. I'm in the intelligence department."

"Indeed sir,"

"And, I find myself feeling rather dumb."

Jared shifted around Asuka's weight on his shoulder, and picked his next words carefully. The chief had left himself wide open with that one, but alarm bells were ringing in his head. "Dumb, sir?"

"Yes. You and your friends are part of-"

"Comrades," Jared corrected automatically.

"Oh? Comrades then. You and your comrades are part of my department, and I find that I'm missing some important information."

"Really, sir? I find that surprising."

Yanamaki glanced at him with a look that clearly showed he had been paying careful attention to the goon's responses the entire time. "Yes. I'm looking for a spy within NERV itself."

A spy? The only spy Jared knew of was the one that slipped information to the Jet Alone Consortium. But the Jet Alone thing happened a while ago and... and there was a report about it that passed through their office lately. Which meant the Jet Alone Consortium was still active? That wasn't canonical... Jared decided to play dumb for the moment, figuring he'd have the chance to find out what the Chief was on about. "I know nothing about those cameras in the women's showers."

Yamanaki looked away for a second. "Oh, figures... What cameras?"

"The ones I definitely didn't plant there yet."

"Yet?"

"The day is still young, sir."

"Your excuses are not."

Jared shrugged, thankful to have the man off on a tangent. "Sorry sir, just doing what I do best."

"Well, do me a favor and get out of here."

"Yes sir." Jared took the next-nearest door and found himself in one of the main hallways. He checked his location on his Mini-MAGI, and resumed walking, now towards the goons' office. He definitely wasn't going to see Saseko now, he had things to investigate.

---

John set the ACP notebook down and rubbed his aching face. Whoever invented mornings deserved a swift kick in the unmentionables. His notes were complete, the plan of action was decided upon, and he had aches all over to show for it. He wisely did not dwell on the consequences of stealing Ritsuko's pet project.

Andy crashed through a ventilation grate into the room, landed on his feet, and announced at rock concert volume, "Yes! I give you: The Perfect Dismount!"

"Of course." John hid the notebook while he watched Andy reach into the open vent and drag a large burlap sack from the darkness. The huge goon then carefully placed said sack on the floor. Andy being careful? John laced his fingers together in front of his mouth, resting his elbows on the top of his desk.

The contents of the sack were oddly shaped, but much bigger than a breadbox. Andy appeared to think them fragile, and patted the sack gently after putting the grate back in place. Then he moved it to the guest couch near the door, placing it carefully.

John cleared his throat. "Do I want to know?"

Andy fiddled with the sack aimlessly this time, stalling. "I found Shinji on the train this morning," He pulled the sack off like a magician. "Like this."

The Third Children was hunched over in his train seat pose of deep introspection. Andy snapped his fingers in front of the boy a couple times to show he was a vegetable. "Anyway, I-"

"Andy?"

"What, Genoni?"

"I bet you five bucks that Jared runs into the bathroom in the next five minutes."

Andy looked around the office, not finding Jared, then narrowed his eyes at John. "You're on, fool. Anyway, as I-"

Jared breezed into the room, Asuka carried on one shoulder. He didn't give the other occupants of the room so much as a glance until he leaned Asuka against the couch like a board. Then he turned and looked at John. His questioning look mirrored Andy's.

"I'm glad you've both decided to finally grace this office with your presence. Presences? Presenceses?"

"Can it, Genoni. We've got problems."

"Like you wouldn't believe," John said.

"Like what?" Jared asked.

"Yesterday morning, Misato stopped by. I had fallen asleep writing my play, and she showed up expecting results." John was quiet for a few seconds.

"She back with her gun?" Andy prompted.

John smirked. "I see. No, she wasn't pointing it at me... You remember when you guys blew up her A/C a few ago, right?"

From Andy, "When the world witnessed my might?"

From Jared, "That was a few days ago?"

Andy ticked off recent events on his fingers. "You dealt with the ninja on that train, we had a long day capped off with dinner at that arcade, were up late, blew up the A/C unit, pulled an all-nighter after Misato demanded to know where we learned ki attacks, then we crashed... yesterday morning."

"So we've been gone from NERV for two days." Jared nodded. "Yamanaki seemed pleased by our absence."

John spoke up to drag the conversation back on topic. "But Misato didn't threaten us with her sidearm the day before yesterday."

Jared caught himself almost nodding, then shook his head.

"She lectured us," Supplied Andy.

"But we all seem to think she did."

"Andy dreamed about a talking cicada," Jared added.

"And I dreamed... Look, what I dreamed about was not important." John adjusted his uniform, sitting up straighter at his desk. "The Artificial Intelligence?"

The other two goons raised their hands to object, explain, or deflect the line of questioning, but no words were spoken for a dozen seconds.

"Exactly," John finally said. "Where did it come from?"

"Well, surely Waddell-"

"I didn't ask for assumptions. It was in our lab, it was on on Jared's work bench; we don't know who made it."

"Yamanaki's looking for a spy in NERV."

"Quit dodging the question, Jared."

"I'm not. The spy he's asking about could only be from the Jet Alone Consortium."

John nodded, then stopped himself. "That walking bomb has already been disarmed, right?"

"Has it?" Jared pressed.

"This is exactly what I'm talking about," John said.

"Not even God knows what you're talking about, Genoni!"

Instead of stepping in to remind John of his careless wording, Jared was looking at the floor with his focus turned inward. "We three stones..." He said quietly.

Andy pinned Jared with a look.

"And the seventh Angel we saw upon arriving wasn't the Seventh Angel from the anime."

"Our arrival changed things," Andy stated.

"The Goon Poles," Jared said, frowning. He still didn't make eye contact with either of the goons.

Andy spoke the forbidden thought amongst the three of them. "Ki blasts outside of our Evangelions."

Jared said what they were all thinking. "We... we re-wrote our pasts? But... what could that change?"

John shrugged. "I don't know. Anything? As we all know from Jurassic Park, even small changes can have huge impacts. The impact of some decisions just aren't predictable. The more important question is why did we change things?"

"And why don't we remember."

"Actually, Jared, I have a theory about that one."

"We needed to play our own roles."

John frowned at Andy. "Thanks for giving that away, Andy. But yes, we are in a story; a story we have the power to change. We really needed to change it. For whatever reason..."

"Ki blasts," Andy said with a nod.

"And so we did." Concluded John. "We just need to take whatever we did and run with it. Though some of it is clearly... insane. Real Artificial Intelligence made in a basement lab overnight?"

Andy scoffed. "MAGI."

Jared's answer came out with his brain on autopilot. "They're more like a regular computer than even an expert system. Not even voice-controlled canonically. If there is such a thing anymore. But then, how did we do it literally overnight, even with that chip I stole there's no way-" He stopped suddenly, eyes wide, and ran out of the office.

Andy pulled a stopwatch out from somewhere, and clicked it, checking the face. "Damn it!" He handed five American dollars to John.

John smirked, fingering the cash. "Of course, you realize that in order to make that a sure bet, I had to think of it too."

Andy frowned. "Think of what?"

John's smirk fell. "Curse your pure spirit, Mucha."

Andy's brain caught up, and the big one spent a minute ranting about how the whole world had gone mad around him.

Jared returned with a slight frown. "This is crazy. How did we have the time to do this? What the hell did we do so wrong? NERV isn't going to kill us over a couple of ki blasts, I just don't see how that's possible. Hell, the Evangelions nearly managed them in the canonical version!"

"Not knowing what drove our 'other selves' to do this may make it impossible to figure out the why. You already said we need to just run with it."

"Except for that AI we don't remember even making," Jared growled.

John laced his fingers together before him. "Well, I'm done. You worry about Vikki. I'll worry about the spy, go looking for the Jet Alone contact. We're finishing our plays. If this re-write works-"

"Retcon," said Andy.

"Okay, if this retcon works, we need to be ready to fix anything it missed. Case in point: we now have an AI and nothing to use it for. Anything else?"

Jared and Andy stared at John for another twenty seconds.

"What?" John prodded them.

The idiots gestured to the Eva pilots who were there but only physically, and answered John in stereo. "Fix her/him."

"Excuse me? These aren't exactly carburetors here, they're very troubled youth. And you, Jared, are the one that broke Asuka."

"So? Listen, dude, I'll handle the spy. You get to fix Asuka."

"Why?"

"She won't listen to me, dude. It has to be you."

"Andy found Shinji like that this morning." John pointed at the other immobile youth. "He has an opening."

"That's not funny. And the implication would probably hurt his brain."

"Hurt who's brain?" Andy asked.

"Try him," John dared Jared.

"Try him for what?" Andy asked. "He'll need a lawyer first!"

Jared shook his head. "Andy's an idiot. He couldn't fix Asuka by next week with detailed instructions."

"You'll pay for that, Waddell!"

John caught a ghost of a smirk cross Jared's face before he faced Andy and bellowed something about training Toji and qualifications for the same.

"Then I shall train Rei!" Andy thundered.

A hearty laugh was shared by all.

Andy stopped laughing after a moment and pouted. "I'm serious. I'll take Rei and give her some real training while Jared trains Toji. Then it's a fair trade all around."

"You're just leaving me with the damaged goods." John countered.

"We're taking work off your hands. I'll look for the spy and Andy can talk to the AI some more." Jared left through the door.

John turned to Andy, but only saw a pair of shoes disappearing into an open vent.

"This sucks. I don't even know when we got a couch."

The two kids remained unresponsive.

John sighed, put the vent grate back on, then carried Shinji out of the office. The door across the hall opened without complaining about security clearance. No surprise, considering it revealed a cleaning supply storage. John set the Ace there among the mops, closed the door, and returned to his desk.

After forty-five minutes of making diagrams in the notebook that assumed his crazy plan would actually work, he put the notebook away and moved his chair in front of the couch so he could sit and face Asuka.

"If it's that bad, Second Children, I can leave you naked in a bathtub on the other side of town."

Asuka blinked, and slumped onto the couch in slow motion. Her voice was dry and scratchy. "What did you say?"

John grabbed a couple of mugs and began filling them from the office water cooler. "I said that if you want to be left alone in Old Tokyo naked in a bathtub, I can arrange for it easily."

"HENTAI!" Asuka launched herself off of the couch, stopping only when an invisible force halted her fist half a meter from John's head. A pins and needles sensation crawled across her knuckles. She leaned against the barrier and the air itself congealed around her. Freezing cold, it looked like a violet cloud surrounding her fist and resisting all of her strength. She jerked back and launched a spinning kick at his head. The field stopped her foot, then pushed it back, throwing her off-balance. She grabbed a chair to catch her fall and once both feet were on the ground, threw it at the goon. It too stopped at the field.

Asuka screamed in frustration while John grabbed the chair out of the air and set it on the floor. "Are you done?"

Panting, "So that's a ki shield?"

"Very good."

"Why didn't my Righteous Fury Punch make it through?"

"Well, first off, you've been catatonic since about three in the morning. Keeping rigid that long burned away most of your energy and made your muscles sore. Your basic strength is severely reduced right now. Secondly, I'm no threat to your chastity so the simple fundamentals of ki shields protected me." John gestured for her to sit on the couch as he returned to his chair.

She ignored the gesture and remained standing. "I'm listening, Worm."

"I doubt that, Sohryu, but I'll play along. I've already told you about the fundamental ki techniques, and I'm sure you've already gotten similar lectures from Jared, but since review appears necessary... A ki shield involves projecting an aura around you. It acts as a force field, countering and/or redirecting incoming energy to negate any attacks directed at your person."

"I know what-"

"Shut up, Asuka." John paused, letting her glare for a moment. "This force field, since it is made up of ki, has a certain frequency to it. This basic human frequency can change as the neutral ki is charged with emotions. Each emotional state has its own frequency, as well as a color, which can be seen in a person's aura. And you know what will blow your mind? The AT fields of the Evas are themselves ki shields. They just operate at a completely different frequency than a 'normal' shield. They use a different cue."

"And what would that be, Worm?"

"The pilot's brain waves. You already know that what the Eva feels, you feel. The interface clips you wear in place of hair bands, the plug suits, the LCL in the plug; all are used to control the more complex actions of the beast, including feedback. The Eva is a conduit for your natural power, all you need is the will power and it will do the rest."

"I know that part already, Worm."

"Then I'll tell you the secret to getting past a ki shield. The first, simplest way is to simply try to overpower the shield. This may also take the most energy, since even a weak fighter can summon a powerful field if they are purely on the defensive. The second and third ways have to do with acknowledging the frequency and then canceling it out or jamming it. If two fighters have the same emotional state, they may as well forget the ki shields. Their auras will be at roughly the same frequency, and will pass right through each other. The second method-jamming-is just as tricky. To jam a shield, you have to be feeling the opposite of the user."

"You made a perverted comment, and I reacted with opposite energy."

"I made a helpful suggestion, with concern for your well-being. You were angry, but I was not trying to hurt you. Had I actually been trying to fuck you, then you might have connected, but you'd still be too weak to hurt me."

"So you think, Worm."

"Let's pretend that I don't know why you were out of it this morning. What's wrong?"

"What's it to you?"

"Well, conditions have changed since you last slept. I'm now responsible for you and Shinji. And as your trainer, I need to help you on as many levels as possible."

"What a load of bullshit."

"Fine, here are your choices: You choose not to co-operate so I write you off as a lost cause. You lose your pilot status and are locked away under guard in a NERV mental institution where they don't help you. Instead, they medicate you heavily so you don't spill any secrets. Shinji doesn't visit you because he's fucking Rei every night and your precious Unit-02 gets given to Kensuke who is more than eager to fill your spot. I'd give everyone two months, tops, before you're completely forgotten or remembered just as 'that annoying German bitch'."

Asuka recoiled from John's venomous words and the bleak future they painted. She tried to give her denials voice, but found herself choking on the words.

"Or, you can let me help you with your fucking inferiority complex and social issues. You synch with your Eva and everyone respects you because you're not a total bitch anymore. But I can't help you if you don't want help. Pride is just a voice in your head fucking with you, Asuka. Only crazy people listen to voices in their heads."

John turned around in his chair.

Behind him, Asuka fumed. Her face contorted as she tried to come up with an explanation that made her feelings somehow John's fault.

John was hoping that if he pushed Asuka in just the right way, she'd stumble into being a better person instead of tripping off the cliffs of emo. It was a one-in-a-million chance... but to beat the Eva Effect he had to bet big.

"Genoni..."

The goon slowly rotated his chair to face the pilot.

The pilot jumping at him, leading with her fist. "Leave me alone!"

Genoni's aura pulsed, briefly visible. Asuka went one way. The chair went another. The quarter-breed bounced off the wall and came at him with a spinning kick. John powered up his aura again to keep her at bay.

From her position pressed against the wall like a bug on a windshield, she snarled at him.

John shrugged, releasing her.

Asuka dropped onto the couch, then stopped snarling and rubbed her arms.

"Sore?"

"Very."

"Want to be part of the team?"

Asuka's mouth opened to let out an answer, only to snap shut after a single choked sob escaped.

John produced the required handkerchief with one hand while the other waved vaguely at his chair. The chair righted itself and slid into place behind him like a loyal puppy. Asuka took the handkerchief.

"It's all right, let it out. Let it all out. I know you promised yourself that you wouldn't cry when your mother died, but some promises are meant to be broken."

---

John left Asuka alone briefly, to verify Shinji was still wedged in the closet with the cleaning supplies. After returning, he considered the quietly sobbing girl for a long minute, before sighing. "Coffee?"

Asuka nodded. The goon rinsed some mugs in the office's tiny sink, then filled them with the dark brew. Handing one to the girl on the couch, he dragged his chair to the middle of the office, sat on it, and sipped. "So, how are you feeling?"

She looked up from the mug cradled in her hands. "How do you think I'm feeling, Worm?"

"How are you feeling?"

"What is it with you repeating the same question?"

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm beginning to feel annoyed, Worm. But otherwise, I feel like shit."

"That's better. Maybe I should've explained the rules ahead of time. I'll ask the questions, and if necessary I'll even give you the answers. If I'm not satisfied with the answer you give me then I'll ask again. You see, unlike other therapists, I actually know who my patient is and what's wrong. The trick is getting you to know. So the fastest way for me to get out of your face is to be completely honest with yourself. You may be the smartest person in the room, but that's worth jack right now. So, how are you feeling?"

"When I'm at full strength tomorrow, I swear I'll extract vengeance."

"Glad to hear it, you know where to find me. How are you feeling?"

"Stop asking that."

John stopped talking to glare, and Asuka countered with her own. The pair remained still for a minute, like two basilisks trying to stare each other down. Then John's eyes narrowed sharply. The coffee in Asuka's mug boiled and she yelped when a scalding drop landed on her hand. In the next second, John was two centimeters from Asuka's face.

"How many weeks? Huh? How many weeks have you been around every corner, behind every door, asking, harassing, begging us to teach you? To train you! And what happened when we agreed? Well? Have you listened to a single word we've said? Is something getting lost in the fucking translation! You ask for help and then not accept it! You ask to be trained and then ignore us! WHY?! Where in your supposedly genius brain did you decide that you were better than us? When did you think that we weren't worth your time?!" Asuka shrank back with every word, but there was nowhere to go. Her strength was sapped, her will weakened, and John couldn't help but realize that Jared may have done the best thing he possibly could for girl... assuming John's Oscar bid worked out correctly.

"Please stop," Asuka whispered.

John moved closer, his voice a whisper too. "Why should I?"

Blue eyes shrink-wrapped in tears met his. "You're scaring me."

The goon drew back. "Oh, really?"

"Yes. You wanted to know how I'm feeling. Well, I'm scared. I feel helpless right now. I want... Just stop it please."

"There's no shame in feeling scared, Asuka. Especially in your line of work. Especially with what it has taken from you."

She actually looked puzzled.

"Someone died testing the Evangelion you pilot, Asuka. Who was it?"

John casually leaned to one side of the spray of scalding coffee and caught the mug as it passed his head. "Is that it?"

Asuka burst into tears.

"You miss your mother?"

"Hell yes I fucking miss my mother!" Asuka glared, covered her face again, fighting to stop her sobbing and even out her breathing.

John sighed and put the mugs down before kneeling in front of the girl. "I'd bet that feeling is more familiar than you'd like to admit. Your dad was a bastard for letting you see your mother after the accident. You'd have been better off if he lied to you. Can we talk about your mother?"

"No. I-" There was more, but the words fought her.

"I know you don't want to, but you must. Asuka, suppose there was an Angel... an Angel that could invade the human mind and bring up all of our worst memories at the same time. Suppose this mind-raping Angel was so high up it couldn't be shot down by normal means. Suppose it picked you as its target. Asuka, if you don't deal with these issues on your own right now, you'll be forced to deal with them at very inopportune times."

He returned to his own chair and waited for her to calm down.

It was a full minute before she looked at him again. "How do you know these things?"

John kept a straight face while answering. "Sore wa himitsu desu, Asuka." Ignoring the scowl, "Okay, I'm from another world where everything horrible that's happened to you is a work of fiction. Now I'm not reading about a character, I'm looking at hurt little girl sitting on my couch and I'm trying to help her because I'm not a complete bastard."

She sighed. "You could have fooled me."

John smiled. Barely. "So, about your mother."

Asuka wiped at her eyes. "What about her, Worm?"

"You miss her."

Her lips tightened, a scathing reply barely held in check. Then she seemed to relax, and nodded.

"You like piloting your Eva, don't you?"

Asuka hoisted an eyebrow curiously. "Of course I do."

"That pain from the loss of your mother seems to disappear."

Her look became suspicious. "How do..."

"Because I know what you don't, but what I know, I can't tell you directly. Unfortunately, the answer must come from within. I can tell you a lot of mistakes were made in the early days of the program; nobody knew what to expect. Most of today's safety protocols owe to what happened back at Gehirn."

"What are you getting to, Genoni?"

"Do you know what happens when you "synchronize" with your Eva, Asuka?"

"Sure, I exert my will over the Eva and it does what I say. Synchronization is how well it does what I tell it to do."

"Incorrect. Piloting an Evangelion isn't about dominance, but cooperation. You share with the Eva. Do you want to guess with what?" Make or break time. Either the girl would connect the dots, or she would stop to question how they knew what they did. And by the way the silence was drawing out, clearly the second was taking place. "You share your soul, Ms. Sohryu. The Evas are creatures. They live, they breathe, they bleed, but they have no soul. The breath of life and movement is missing from a typical Eva straight from the factory, so to speak."

"Shinji's moves on its own sometimes. Before I arrived, they said it protected him from some debris."

"Before he even got into the thing, right?"

"Yeah..."

Now to see how far the girl would follow this white hare. "So if Evas can't move without a soul, but Shinji's can move on its own..."

"Then it must have a soul."

"Yes, but whose? Certainly not Shinji's else the poor boy wouldn't be alive to mope around all day. And it moved before he even had touched the thing."

"Why are you asking me? I don't know who!"

"Units 00, 01, and even 02 are the oldest Evas NERV has. They're almost nine years old, and 00 is over ten I would venture. There were three original test pilots, all women, all born before Impact, and all of them are dead today. That's why only children born after Second Impact can pilot, with, of course, the exception of my associates and I."

"So one of the original pilots completely lost her soul to Unit-01..."

"But if all of them died..."

"They all lost their souls? Are you telling me that there is someone's SOUL in my EVA?!"

John grinned. "If it were true, then what, Ms. Langley?"

"Then my low synch scores would be because the Eva doesn't agree with me."

"Or because you're not cooperating with it."

"It's MY Eva!"

"They were there first Asuka." He shook his head. "We're getting off track."

"No kidding. We were supposed to be talking about my... my..."

John grinned this time, happily. "Of course, how could I forget?"

"Who were the first pilots, Genoni?"

"I'm impressed. It's been a full eight minutes and no 'Worms'."

"TELL ME!"

"You already know the answer to that, Asuka. We're done for now. It's getting near lunch time, why don't you get something to eat? We'll start training tomorrow."

"Don't do this, just tell me. Please."

The goon tapped at the interface to his Mini-MAGI and pulled up a schedule. "Rit-chan has you down for some more synch tests in a few hours. Why don't you take this new knowledge and test it then?"

Asuka narrowed her eyes as John rose and left the room. She quickly moved to follow. In the hallway, he opened another door nearby.

"Bastard. This isn't over!"

"Not by a long shot. Hit the tiles, kid, I've got to see if Shinji's awake yet or not." With that, John ducked into the room.

"Shinji?" Asuka ran up to the door and looked inside. "Shinji!" Her hands were immediately around John's collar. "What did you do to him?!"

"Andy found Shinji like this, dear Asuka. I'll be certain to relay your concern to him after I snap him out of this."

"But-"

"Time for guy-talk, Asuka. Just go, think about what we talked about, and let me know how things turn out tomorrow. Ok?"

The girl huffed, then let go of the goon. "Fine, I guess he's in better hands than he was with Andy." She gave him a look that failed to impress upon him the importance of Shinji's continued well being, and left.

John left a moment later, Shinji over one shoulder.

---

John kicked the lever. The toilet flushed around Shinji's inverted head. For the third time in the last minute.

"AAAHHH! STOP IT! HELP! SOMEONE HELP!"

John pretended to just notice he was out of his fugue. "Oh, you're awake finally." He righted the featherweight easily.

"What's going on? Where am I?"

"Well, dear boy, you're in one of the men's restrooms in NERV. Andy found you this morning on the train and took Rei in trade. Jared left me Asuka, and took Toji. I just got done talking with Asuka, she's eating lunch right now. She will get to start training tomorrow. You on the other hand..."

Shinji sighed, grabbing a paper towel and trying to dry his hair with it. "Don't have what it takes."

John blinked behind his glasses. "Explain to me what Andy is doing to train you."

The boy concerned himself with straightening out his hair with his fingers. "Well, I don't think he trains Toji and me so much as he just runs around trying to kill us."

The goon handed him a comb. "Survival and endurance... It lacks finesse and ignores technical ability, but it teaches you to think on your feet. Necessary, but I'm surprised he's doing it so soon in the training."

"Actually, I think that he's just using us as target practice. He keeps ranting on and on about how he will have his vengeance or something. I'm not worth anybody's time to actually train."

John grabbed Shinji by the shoulders and turned the boy to face him. "This is going to hurt."

Then John slapped Shinji. Hard.

Shinji spun a full circle and then some, so that he stopped facing the restroom mirror again. John grabbed one shoulder and pointed at Shinji's reflection.

"Damn it man! Look at yourself! You're soaking wet! You're depressed about the opinions of a delusional American bent on world domination! You don't even have the guts to kiss Asuka in her sleep when she wants you!"

"Does everybody know about that?!"

John ignored him. "Look into this mirror and tell me what you see."

"A reflection of a shadow. An image that I use to identify myself."

John blinked. That called for the Fist of Death, but killing the main character would be a Bad Thing. Still, the Fist was alive, and demanded satisfaction. Instead of splattering Shinji's head all over the mirror, he just gave it a good shove.

Shinji's head bounced off of the metal mirror, sending the youth stumbling back into one of the open stalls. John stalked out of the room. If this was going to go anywhere, he'd have to inspire the uninspirable... "I have an idea."

A minute later, he reentered the room and set his Super Dew on the counter. Just insurance, if his Plan didn't bear fruit. "Ok, Ace. I want to apologize for that. It was wrong and I should have been in better control of my actions. Things have been difficult lately, you know how it goes..."

Shinji stood well away from John, cradling the back of his head. "Does this mean I get to hit you back?"

John narrowed his eyes at the kid, then remembered that Shinji couldn't see his eyes and flexed his brow. "I didn't hit you, I only threw your head at the mirror. If you think this is going to play out like Suzuhara, then you're a poor judge of character. I apologized, that's the end."

"Yessir!"

John blinked. "...That's it?"

"Uh..."

"I caused bodily harm to you! I inflicted pain! And you're going to let it slide with a 'Yessir!' and head hung in shame?! Madre del Diablo, boy! Stand up for yourself Demand justice! Make me beg for forgiveness on my knees!"

"How am I supposed to do that? You're bigger than me and a hell of lot more powerful! If I tried attacking you, I'd get splattered all over the wall!"

"This is true, Ace. But what you are lacking is respect and self confidence. Respect is earned, so I can't help you there, but if you believe in yourself, then you're that much closer to unlocking your ki. So I'm going to ask you again... Look into that mirror and tell me what you see."

"A..." Shinji glanced fearfully at the goon. "Um... Myself. I see Shinji."

"You see Shinji... You see Shinji. And tell me, boy, what is a Shinji?"

"What?"

"Japanese, mother fucker! Do you speak it?!"

"What?!"

John chuckled. "Sorry, you left yourself wide open for that one."

"What?"

"Let's get back on topic, Ace. Just answer the question."

"A human? A enduring but temporary physicality that resembles..." Shinji was glancing at him again.

"Ace, let's try this one more time."

"Okay..."

"Look into the mirror."

Shinji looked at his reflection in the mirror.

John spoke slowly, "Tell me what you see."

"I see myself."

"Well you know what I see?"

Shinji shook his head 'no.'

John pointed at Shinji's reflection. "I see pride! I see power! I see a bad-ass mudder that won't take no crap out of nobody!"

"You... You do?"

John put on his full fake Jamaican accent. "Ya mon. But it doesn't matter what I see, what really matters is what you see. So look in dat mirror again, and tell me 'bout it."

"I see..."

"Pride!"

"Pride."

"Power!"

Power."

John spied the spark in Shinji's eye and prompted, "I see..."

"I see a bad-ass mudder that won't take no crap out of nobody."

The goon smiled. "Once again!"

"I see pride. I see power. I see a bad-ass mudder that won't take no crap out of nobody."

"Again!"

"I see pride. I see power. I see a bad-ass mudder that won't take no crap out of nobody!"

"I can't hear you!"

"I see pride. I see power! I see a bad-ass mudder that won't take no crap out of nobody!"

"I still can't hear you!"

"I see pride! I see power! I see a bad-ass mudder that won't take no crap out of nobody!"

"From the soul, boy!"

"I see pride! I see power! I see a bad-ass mudder that won't take no crap out of nobody!"

"Keep it coming!"

"I see pride! I see power! I see... um, Genoni-san?"

"What?"

"What's a 'mudder'?"

"Slang."

"Oh."

"You're supposed to be shouting at the mirror."

"Oh, right. I see... Uh, Genoni-san? Little boost?"

"Sure." John gave Shinji's head a light shove into the mirror.

"I see pride! I see power! I see a bad-ass mudder that won't take no crap out of nobody!"

Shinji continued working on his psych-up, allowing John a moment to reflect on his handiwork. This was turning out to be easier than he thought. Of course, the boy was going to give himself a sore throat in a few minutes. He checked his Mini-MAGI's map and left for the nearest Pepsi machine.

---

An alcove twenty feet from the goons' office held the nearest Pepsi vending machine. John was there in seconds, carefully making his choice for the next generation. Mountain Dew was out of the question. Considering what the boy had already been through, pumping him full of caffeine and sugar was not going to end well, entertainment value notwithstanding. Best to start him on something softer. Root beer?

John made his selection, took his prize, and waved to the vending machine dude as he approached from the only access.

The average-looking twenty-something blinked at the huge American.

Shrugging, John went back to the bathroom.

"Hey Ace, I think I remember you liking root beer so I... Shinji?" John's eyes swept the room. "How did he leave without me seeing..." His vision turned to the vertical. "...Him."

The vent in the ceiling was missing a cover. He looked at the floor. Almost hidden under the sink was the cover. Mangled like a bit of aluminum foil.

"Wait a minute..."

Were those scratches on the mirror? And those tiles weren't cracked when he left. If he had to guess, someone had just kidnapped the pilot. Of course, why would they take the bottle of Super Dew?

"No."

He checked the garbage can. A familiar, empty plastic bottle lay inside. In a whisper, "If he... oh shit."

From the vent echoed a feral noise. Not quite hissing, but not quite heavy breathing. The last time John had heard that noise was while watching a series of science fiction movies starring Sigourney Weaver.

"Oooooooooh fuck."

Wisely realizing that this is the part where he screams and runs away, John threw his vocal chords and feet into motion.

Outside of the bathroom, he screeched to a halt to gasp in terror at the wreckage that used to be a gift from Pepsi Cola Co.

What was left of the pop machine littered the floor, the shell shredded as easily as wrapping paper and the internal machinery literally tied in knots. Cans of Diet and Regular Pepsi, Root Beer, and Sierra Mist were all over the floor, giving the scene a hit-and-run accident feel. However, no Mountain Dew was to be seen in the mess... not a single green can. And the vendor dude was missing as well. The only trace of him was a boot on the floor and a torn bit of shirt hanging from the edge of a vent in the ceiling.

John resumed his panicked sprint.

---

In a quarantined research room on the opposite side of the base, Maya and Ritsuko worked around a huge lab on various tissue samples. They wore full biochemical containment suits there looked similar to the environmental containment suit Misato wore inside of the canon Jet Alone. The only noticeable difference was the distinctive mechanical noises made by the breathing system.

Maya was checking on a report shown at a terminal. "Most of the structural work is completed, but the plans for the entry plug and control system are still missing."

"They aren't missing, it's just that those bastards haven't given them back yet. I just wish they would make their move, it's a major pain having to try and guess what they'll try to leverage with those plans. Between those three and the idiots that built that robot..."

"What was the notebook doing out in the open anyway, Senpai?"

Ritsuko turned to glare at her subordinate.

"I'm sorry. Forgive my insubordination."

"I'll think of an appropriate punishment later, Maya. Just go back to work."

"Hai."

A few seconds later, the relative silence was broken by a beeping noise from the comm lines. Ritsuko hit a button on her suit, allowing Gendo's voice to ring out through the room.

"Doctor Akagi."

Ritsuko deepened her voice to James Earl Jones levels. "What is thy bidding, my master?"

In the ensuing silence, the mechanical bellows marking her breath sounded exceptionally loud.

Then Maya started chuckling.

"I hate it when you do that." Gendo finally said. "Where are you?"

Ritsuko answered in a normal voice. "Still working on the F samples."

"Well, you can stop what you're doing. Genoni has been raising a ruckus on all of the vid-screens screaming about someone being loose. Try to find him and see what he's babbling about."

"Since when did I become his keeper?"

"That was an order, Doctor."

"Fine." Ritsuko went back to her Darth Vader impression. "Leave him to me, I will deal with him myself."

Gendo closed the connection.

"Maya, make sure that the Angel remains locked down and have the grunts ready to build that plug. If John's panicking, he'll hand over the plans with a little prodding."

"Tee hee. You're so evil, Senpai!"

---

To be Continued...