Deep within the Ancient Steppe, a battle raged. The battle had been going on for almost half an hour, and the Hunter fighting in the battle was feeling great emotion.
"HOLD STILL YOU STUPID BUG!"
…That emotion he was feeling was anger. He'd been fighting this Seltas for way longer than he should've been. He'd told his Palico to stat home on this mission, fearing that the Felyne would get in the way. He really wished he hadn't done that. He really wished that he had the cover to drink a potion or eat something. But most of all…
"I WISH THEY'D TOLD ME THIS WOULD BE A FLYING MONSTER!"
Because our unlucky Hunter didn't want to back out of this fight, he was on his own, trying to kill a giant, flying insect… with a massive sword. Which took him a full second to swing. Outside of battle, a second might not seem that long of a time, but in battle, a second was enough time for a faster enemy, say, a Seltas, to get out of the way.
Our Hunter cursed again as the Seltas dodged one of his sword swings again. Furious, he sung his sword in a wide arc, but the Seltas simply hovered over it. Even madder, the Hunter grabbed a small rock from the ground and threw it at the Seltas. The giant insect made a satisfying sound as the rock dazed it and made it fall to the ground. The Hunter ran over as fast as he could and reared back for a swing to end the Seltas's life. However, because the sword was so ridiculously heavy, the Seltas had enough time to scuttle out of the way and take flight.
The Hunter had enough. He told himself that he wasn't going to do this, but he had no other choice. He sheathed his sword and reached a hand behind his back, where the opening for his Item Pouch was. The Seltas saw an opening and charged at the Hunter. The Hunter smirked, and pulled out a red aerosol can.
"RAID BITCH!" he shouted as he sprayed the can of bug spray in the Seltas's face… thing. The Seltas made a satisfying screeching noise as the bane of all bug's existences was sprayed into his face. The giant insect went limp.
"Finally!" The Hunter said. He went to carve off what he could of the Seltas. Once he got to the insect, the Hunter got out his hunting knife and raised it above his head, can of Raid in the other hand. Once he was about to plunge his hunting knife into the Seltas, the bug thrashed and knocked the Hunter onto his back. Groaning, the Hunter looked at the can of bug spray in his hand.
"The merchant said that this would kill 100% of all insects, so why-?" The Hunter looked at the label. In fine print, at the bottom of the label, there were the words "Kills 99.9% of all insects."
The Hunter closed his eyes, opened them, took a deep breath, and shouted at the top of his lungs "GOD DAMN IT!"
Well, that was… something. I recently got Monster Hunter 4 Ultimate, and I got to the Seltas boss fight. GOD DAMN that fight was annoying! I only "won" by ending the mission on the secondary goal of breaking the horn off! At least I didn't have the misfortune of trying to fight it with a sword. No, my preferred weapon is a Bowgun, so at least I could damage it easily.
This is my first attempt at a oneshot crack fic, so tell me how I did! I don't know, I might continue this somehow, but I'd be better if you guys told me how I did on this one!
Remember to review if you liked it (or didn't like it), follow if you liked it or me, and favorite if you REALLY liked it or me!
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Raid, or any other kind of bug spray, and I only own a copy of Monster Hunter 4 Ultimate.