Disney and Twister and Bunnies, Oh My!
Disclaimer: The characters from Buffy are not mine, sadly. They belong to the good people at Fox, the WB, UPN and of course the God of all things Buffy, Joss Whedon.
Spoilers: Takes place sometime after Dead Things. B/S are still together.
Description: A response to a challenge from Beyond Surrender.
Other Added Situations You Should Know About: Giles has returned. Yes Giles. He left his favorite tweed suit and some valuable books in Sunnydale, and didn't trust the US Postal service to return them safely. Work with me here.
Rated: R for violence and shagging.
Feedback: Yes Please!
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"You've got to be bloody joking!"
"No I'm not." Dawn held up their movie options for the night.
"Snow White and the Seven bloody Dwarfs?" Spike asked in amazement. "Vampires don't watch cartoons!"
"Yeah, cuz Dawson's Creek is sooo intellectually superior," Dawn muttered sarcastically, rolling her eyes. " There's also the Princess Diaries, don't forget about that."
"It's still Disney."
"Think of it this way, Disney is an evil empire. You're an evil vampire. Logically you should support them."
Spike relented. "Alright, but I'm not going to watch any movie that has 'princess' in the title or involves makeovers," Spike told her. "At least Snow White has a spot of violence in it. Someone dies, right? Tell me someone dies!"
"I think the evil witch does."
"Great," Spike lamented, "kill off the only interesting character. Come on, let's watch your sodding movie!"
The chipped vampire and former key snuggled up on the couch together.
"She sings like a bleeding goat," Spike grumbled. Onscreen Snow White serenaded random wildlife. "Still, those fluffy little animals are pretty cute."
"Aaahhhhhh!" Anya screamed from behind them. She and Xander had but just stepped through the door when she caught site of the television. Spike and Dawn were puzzled, until they realized she was reacting to the cartoon bunnies. Spike switched off the set.
"Shame on you," she told him. "That's no sort of film to show a child. Just think of the nightmares!"
"Hey," Dawn protested, "I'm not a child."
"Can you drive?" Anya asked.
"No," Dawn admitted.
"Vote? Gamble? Drink?"
Dawn shook her head.
"You're a child. We came by to see Buffy, where is she?" Anya asked.
"Slaying," Spike told her. "Why? What so you need to see her about?"
"Nothing of importance." Xander eyed Spike with great distaste. "It can wait."
Anya and Xander left.
"That was weird," Dawn said. "Do you sometimes feel that we're out of the loop?"
"All the time Bit, all the time. So now that we've had this heart to heart, do we really have to keep watching atrocity of a movie?"
"Yes," she informed him, "every sodding second of it!" Dawn attempted to mimic his accent.
He rolled his eyes. "Oh bloody Hell!"
* * *
By the time Buffy came home, Spike and Dawn had progressed from the movie to playing Poker.
"I am not seeing this," the older sister said.
"Relax," Spike replied, "it's not real poker. No kittens involved, just money."
Buffy was aghast. "You're conning my little sister out of her allowance?"
"No," Dawn said, "I'm conning him out of his hard-stolen cash." She held up a stack of bills.
"Yeah, she's just about cleaned me out. I shouldn't have taught her how to cheat. Serves me right, I reckon." He gave Buffy a winning smile, making it impossible for her to stay mad at him.
"Next time stick to Uno, ok?" Buffy opened the cupboard, grabbing a jar of Skippy peanut butter and attacking it with a spoon. As always, she was famished after a long night's slay.
"Ew, do you have to eat out of the jar?" Dawn scolded.
Buffy paused mid-bite. "Come on, you're made out of a piece of me. It's not like a few Buffy germs are going to kill you. Besides, who's the parent around here anyway?"
"That stuff is like pure fat, you know."
"Hey," Spike interjected. "The girl works hard slaying demons, let her snack in piece. Besides," he added, looking her up and down, "there's not a bit of fat on that hot little body of hers."
Buffy shot him a warning look. He grinned. Damn him, why did he have to be so adorable! Dawn, watching their interactions, wondered not for the first time if there was something going on between the two of them. "I hereby dub this my personal jar, and will get you a new one tomorrow, reduced fat, ok?"
"Ok, but the creamy kind, not the chunky kind."
"In fact, speaking of parenting, shouldn't you be in bed right about now?"
Spike looked slightly guilty. "I was going to put her to bed in a minute. I just figured we should finish the game first, it being an educational experience and all."
"I pronounce the game to be officially over. Dawn, take your winnings upstairs and go to sleep," Buffy ordered giving her a kiss on the cheek.
"I'm going. Night Spike!" Dawn gave him a hug.
"Night Bit. We'll work on perfecting that ace up the sleeve . . ." At Buffy's glare he changed his mind mid sentence. ". . . never."
Dawn went up to her room.
"So," Spike told Buffy, pulling her into his lap, "you want me to tuck you into bed Luv?"
"The question is not do I want you to, but am I going to let you."
He began kissing her neck. "And are you going to let me?"
"I'm thinking about it." Buffy began kissing him. "Spike we really should . . ."
The phone rang.
" . . . pick up the phone," she finished. Buffy got up and did just that. "Hello?"
"Good Buffy, you're home." It was Anya. "I just wanted to call and tell you you're coming to a party Xander and I are throwing tomorrow."
"A party?"
"Yes, a party. You've been so depressed about that heaven thing lately, so Xander and I thought that some alcohol and organized fun would be just the thing to cheer you up," she said with great enthusiasm.
"Um, okay."
Xander snagged the phone from Anya. "Look Buffy, if you don't want to go I understand."
"No, it's ok. It sounds . . . well, I'll be there."
"Dawn is invited too of course, except for the alcohol part," told her.
"We'll be there."
They said their good-byes and Buffy hung up.
"So, a party huh?" Spike asked with a raised brow.
"Yeah. Xander and Anya are trying to cheer me up."
"Can I stop by, or will there be a bouncer at the door checking for a pulse?"
"Spike, I don't know. You don't always mesh well with others."
You only seem to mesh well with me, she thought.
"You're afraid they'll know," Spike correctly guessed.
"If you want to come - I mean stop by, then stop by."
"They won't know, " he said, moving closer to her. "I can behave."
"No you can't," she informed him with a slight smile.
"No I can't," he agreed, kissing her passionately.
"Mmmm . . . Spike. Spike! I need to talk to you, before you go distracting me again."
"What about?" he asked, pouting flirtatiously.
"Stop that. I'm serious! It's about Dawn. I really appreciate you looking after her, but if you could try not to teach her any illegal activities-"
"Gotcha Pet."
"I mean she really looks up to you. And if you could not smoke around her."
Spike got a horrified look on his face. "I can't smoke?"
"Just in front of Dawn. Though you really should quit anyway. It's a filthy habit."
"What's it going to do Luv, kill me?" Buffy laughed. "Alright," Spike promised, "I'll be the upstanding citizen when little Sis is around."
"I'll believe that when I see it."
"Of course when she's not around . . ." Spike began kissing her once more. This time Buffy succumbed to his advances, and the two of them became better acquainted with her kitchen floor.
* * *
There was a knock on the door.
"Oh my God, Giles!" Buffy exclaimed. She had forgotten that he was returning that night. Buffy and Spike rushed to make themselves presentable.
Buffy opened the door to find a very perturbed Giles.
"I've been knocking for a good while Buffy," he told her, adjusting his glasses.
"Sorry, didn't hear you."
Giles noticed that Buffy was not alone. "Hello Spike," he said, frowning slightly.
"Spike was just babysitting Dawn for me," Buffy explained, feeling incredibly nervous.
"At two in the morning?" Giles asked skeptically.
"We got busy-" Spike began.
"Talking," Buffy finished. "And sort of lost track of time. How was your flight?"
"Extremely long and turbulent."
Sensing the tension in the room, Spike decided to make his exit. "Ah well, I really should be going. Good night Buffy, Giles."
Buffy helped him with his bags. "I hope you don't mind the couch again."
"Not at all. I'm could sleep just about anywhere right now."
Buffy brought him some blankets and a pillow and helped him make up the couch. He gave her a hug. "It's good to see you again Buffy."
"You too. I missed you. Sleep tight."
"I will. And Buffy?"
"Yeah?"
"The next time you stay up late talking, you might want to check that your shirt isn't inside out."
Buffy blushed. "Giles, I can explain-"
"Trust me, anything you could tell me right now I'd be much happier not knowing."
Buffy went up to bed, horribly embarrassed. Spike never ceased to get her into all kinds of trouble.
* * *
"Right foot red," Giles called out. Buffy had convinced him to come along to Anya's party. However he had opted out of physically participating in their rousing game of Twister, claiming that he was too old for such balderdash.
Buffy and Spike's arms got tangled. He fell on top of her. Now that was a familiar sensation. Spike gazed into her others eyes, and she let him, gazing back for just a moment. Then Buffy realized where they were. She pushed him away.
"Ick Spike, get off!" But as she helped him to his feet, she gave his hand a slight squeeze.
"You wouldn't have happened to have done that on purpose, now would you Spike?" Xander asked, giving him a very dirty look.
"Yeah, you wouldn't be trying to cop a feel, now would you Spikey? You're normally better coordinated." Giles began coughing violently. "Which I have observed from fighting you so much, of course."
Spike understood. Fine, let her deny him in front of her friends. He didn't mind. As long as she didn't deny him in his lair or the alley or the magic box or the front yard or abandoned houses or the cemetery or . . .
"You caught me," Spike confessed, throwing his hands in the air. "I'm a sneaky bastard, I am. Now sod off. Boring game anyway."
"He's right it is kind of dull," Dawn agreed.
"And I suppose you have a better game in mind?" Xander wanted to know.
Spike grinned mischievously, "How about spin the bottle?"
Dawn perked up. "That sounds fun."
"And in your case, it also sounds illegal," Buffy pointed out. "I don't think so. No."
Anya was intrigued. "Well, I haven't made out with anyone but Xander for centuries, except for . . ." She and Giles exchanged a troubled glance. " . . . Xander. It could be interesting. Spike has got to have, what, at least a hundred and ten years or so of kissing experience behind him? I bet he knows all sorts of things about-"
"Hey," Buffy said. She realized the others were staring, so she added. "No making out talk in front of Dawn."
"Yeah, because I so care. It's not like I haven't kissed a boy before."
"Need I remind you that you nearly died in the process?"
"Well, if Bricklayer here is having trouble getting the job done, I'd be happy to give him some pointers," Spike offered.
"Hey!" It was Xander's turn to object.
"No really honey, if he thinks he could help us out at all-"
"Yum, good dip!" Tara interjected, positioned over by the chips. "Why don't you all stop everything you're doing right now and come try it."
Willow knew Tara only said it to break up a potential fight but she glowed just the same. "It's really easy to make. I could give you the recipe sometime, if you want."
Tara smiled. "I'd like that."
They all tried the dip and agreed it was fabulous.
"So, should we move on to the scavenger hunt?" Anya asked.
"Scavenger hunt?" Giles asked.
"Well, it's either that or truth or dare."
"Scavenger hunt!" Buffy, Spike, Giles, Dawn and Tara all agreed.
"Ok then. Buffy, Spike and Dawn will be on my team. And Giles, Willow and Tara will be on Xander's team."
"Wait a minute. I'm your fiancé. Don't you want me on your team?" Xander asked.
"Honey," she said, taking his hand. "Of course I want you on my team. I just want to win more. She gave him a peck on the lips. "Good luck though."
"Hey, don't I get a good luck kiss?" Spike protested.
"Watch it," Buffy warned.
Dawn blushed. "I'll give you a good luck kiss." She placed a light peck on his cheek.
"Thanks Nibblet. You are truly a gem among women."
Buffy felt jealousy creeping over her yet again.
"The first group back with all the things on the list wins a valuable prize," Anya told them.
"What sort of prize?" Spike wanted to know.
"These pretty, shiny stickers."
"Oh bollocks," he muttered.
She passed out the lists. "Ok, on your mark, get set, go!"
* * *
Dawn was looking over the list. "Vampire ashes, well that should be easy for Buffy to come by."
Spike fidgeted nervously. "Hopefully not too easy."
"That all depends, Spike," she told him. A vamp jumped out of the bushes at her, and she picked it up, impaling it against a tree branch and dusting it.
Anya collected a pinch of the ashes and placed them in their bag. "Apparently, that was just easy enough. On to the next items on the list."
Dawn read them off. "A dime, a quarter, a one dollar bill. Anya, these are all money."
"Really, well does anyone have some on them? Or we could just look."
Dawn still had the majority of the money she had gotten from Spike. She handed over a buck thirty-five. "Here you go. Let me guess, you get to keep all the items that were collected?"
"Well, it seems logical that I should, being the host and all."
"Right," Dawn answered. "Hmmm, a pine cone. Should we enter into the woods?"
"I don't know about that. It could be dangerous."
"Because being outside of the woods in Sunnydale is so safe," Spike muttered sarcastically.
"Fine." Buffy gave in. They headed into the woods.
The group looked around. "I am seeing pine needles galore, but no pine cones," Buffy complained.
"What was that?" Spike asked.
"I said-"
"No, I mean did you hear a noise?"
"No." Buffy looked at him curiously. He was up to something.
"Must be the super sensitive vamp hearing. Buffy, don't you think we should check it out?"
Buffy pretended to listen. "You know, I think I hear something after all."
She followed him farther into the trees. "Could you be any more obvious?"
"Didn't have to come with me, now did you?"
"Look, I just came to tell you to knock off the innuendos and everything."
"Is that why you really came?" Spike pushed her against a tree and began unzipping her pants.
"Spike, no."
"What, you haven't got five minutes for little Spikey?" His hands began exploring the curves and contours of her body.
"If memory serves correctly, you take longer than five minutes. Much longer."
"I do, but you don't." He focused his attention southward.
She playfully slapped his hand away. "I said no." Buffy tried to sound firm, but her smile gave her away.
"And I'm planning to make you say yes, repeatedly." Spike's fingers boldly traveled where they had gone many, many times before.
"Oh god."
"I'll settle for that." He covered her mouth with his, stifling her moans, lest the others hear them.
* * *
Meanwhile, team 2 was struggling with their list of items as well.
"I don't think there is a bloody pine cone in this entire forest," Giles told them.
"Sure there is," Xander begged to differ. "I mean what's that?"
"A rock."
"Oh."
"I'm resisting all temptation to conjure one up," Willow admitted.
"How's it going?" Tara asked.
"Good. I mean you don't see any, do you?"
Tara gave her shoulder a little squeeze. "I'm proud of you."
"Yes, you've shown remarkable improvement," Giles told her. "Now what do you say we go back, have ourselves some food and forfeit the game?"
"I like the way you think British man."
Their conversation was cut short by the sound of screaming.
* * *
"I don't know why I let you get me into such compromising situations," she told him, attempting to collect herself.
"Yeah you do."
"Yeah I do," she agreed, "those magic hands of yours and that smile and your ridiculous bleached blond hair and I am rambling to the point that I'm not even sure what I'm saying anymore." What was she doing confessing her strong attraction to him? It was strictly an affair. There weren't supposed to be warm and fuzzy feelings involved. She decided it must have been the post-orgasmic bliss talking.
"Fancy coming by my crypt later to bask in my smile and ridiculous hair?" he asked her, placing a tender kiss on her lips.
She fixed her clothes. "We'll see. Honestly Spike, I-"
They heard screaming.
"Dawn," Buffy said, running towards the noise.
Actually, it was both Dawn *and* Anya who were screaming.
"Buffy, the demon!" Dawn said, pointing to a nine-foot tall hairy, green, fanged demon that was growling at them.
"Buffy, the bunny!" Anya said, ignoring the demon. Instead she had covered her eyes and was cowering away from a small brown bunny.
Buffy and Spike decided that demon was clearly the worse of the two evils, and began fighting it. But as soon as Buffy struck a blow at it, she was blasted away by an unseen force. She threw a sharp rock at it, which shot back at them, narrowly missing impaling Spike. Moments later, the rest of the Scooby gang arrived as well.
"Giles, tell me how to kill this thing!" Buffy yelled, as she dodged its blows.
He pulled a tiny book out of his pocket, and rifled through the pages until he found what he needed. "Of course, I should have guessed! He's a cuniculus demon. They create a natural force field around themselves that protects them from harm. The lack of pinecones should have been a dead give away. They feed on pinecones."
Buffy started to feel optimistic. "Well I guess that's good."
"As well as raw human flesh."
"Not so good."
"Whatcha reading there Giles?" Xander asked. "The Watcher's Pocket Book Of Things That Go Bump In The Night?"
"Actually it's the Watcher's Pocket Book Of Demonology."
"Does it have any information on how to kill the sodding thing?" Spike asked, pushing Buffy out of the way of one of its huge, hairy feet. He was blasted back the moment the demon made contact with him.
"Bunny! Bunny! Bunny!" Anya shrieked, entirely unaware of the other situation at hand.
"Oh for Pete sake!" Willow grumbled, picking up the offensive furry little thing in her arms. "I've got Cottontail. He isn't in a position to hurt you anymore."
"Here we go," Giles told them. "There's a spell to temporarily remove the force field. Tara if you could . . ."
"I'm on it," she said, taking the book in her hands. "Hold out a little longer Buffy."
"What about me?" Spike asked, continuing to get thrashed around.
"Next time it sends you flying, see if you can't land on something wooden around the heart area," Xander suggested.
"Thank you, very helpful," Spike replied sarcastically.
Tara drew an intricate symbol on the ground and began chanting, "Amovere, correctio, mutatio." Two things happened simultaneously as she said the last word. Tara pricked her finger, letting a drop of blood fall to the ground to complete the spell, and Willow lost her grip on the bunny, which hopped into the center of the symbol.
There was a great bang, and the Scoobies found themselves facing a force-feildless, nine-foot tall demon bunny.
"Sweetie," Xander said, "I'm beginning to understand that phobia of yours."
"Nonsense, large or not, a bunny is nothing to be afraid of," Giles informed them. The bunny must have understood the comment and takes offence, for it kicked Giles hard in the chest, breaking several ribs and sending Giles and his glasses soaring in opposite directions.
The bunny hopped over to the glasses and began jumping up and down on them, pulverizing them completely.
"All in favor of running – run right now!" Buffy told them.
The Scoobies made a break for it. Spike and Buffy both assisted the injured Giles. They hid behind some bushes and set the poor Watcher down.
"I know, I'll take a holiday in Sunnydale. Why did I leave the place again? Oh that's right, because whenever I'm here I nearly die. Repeatedly."
"Giles, buddy old pal, is there anything in that little book of yours on how to kill demon bunnies?" Spike asked.
"I'm not your buddy Spike, and I'm fairly certain that we've created a new breed of demon altogether. Even if there were something of help in my book, I can't read a bloody thing."
"I'll tell you what we need," Anya said, "a giant carrot laced with strychnine. Someone conjure up a giant carrot laced with strychnine!"
"That's it, I need a smoke," Spike muttered, searching his pockets for the cigarettes he had left at home in order to appease Buffy. Buffy glared at him, not for the first time that evening. "I mean gum. Anyone have some gum?"
"Here you go." Dawn handed him a piece.
"Bubble yum? First cartoons and now you inflict me with this?" He popped it in his mouth. "Hey, is this watermelon?"
Xander decided to ignore Spike's non-helpful comments. "In Monty Python they killed the monster bunny with a holy hand grenade," Xander offered. "Any one got anything like that on hand?"
"Left all my explosives back at the lair, I'm afraid." Spike blew a bubble.
"Maybe we should head for your lair then," Buffy suggested. "We can give Giles cover, blow up the evil bunny and then you can explain to me why you're holding illegal contraband."
"Because he's evil, duh," Dawn said, giving Spike a wink.
"Has everyone forgotten my conjuring a giant carrot idea?" Anya asked.
"Less talk, more heading for Spike's lair." Buffy picked up Giles, and they sprinted towards Spike's.
When they were inside, she laid Giles down on the bed. "Watch him," she told Willow and Tara, "and watch Dawn for me as well. Spike and I will take care of this."
Spike popped down to his lower level and resurfaced with a handful of grenades.
"You've got serious explaining to do later," she told him. "Come on, let's hunt some wabbit."
They returned to the forest. The demon bunny had traveled a bit but was very easy to spot, as it sat nibbling on a patch of grass.
"On the count of three Luv. One, two, THREE!" Buffy and Spike pulled the pins, threw the grenades and ducked. The grenades exploded with a loud bang. Bunny parts splattered against the trees.
"You alright Pet?" he asked.
"I'm fine. You?"
"I'm alright, but I could be better."
Spike began kissing her. She responded briefly before pushing him away.
"Spike, I'm still mad at you. What were you doing with that kind of artillery, huh?"
"I just had it lying around incase something like this happened."
"You were predicting a bunny from Hell attack?"
"Well not exactly, but you have to admit I just saved all our necks. Isn't that worth something?"
"Yeah, it's worth not kicking your ass quite as much as I'd like to."
"Ooooh, are we going to duke it out Luv?" he taunted. "We both know how turned on that gets you."
Buffy laughed. It was hard to stay mad while staring into those beautiful blue eyes.
"I'm going to let it slide this time, but no more weapons unless they're strictly the demon-killing kind, ok?"
"Ok. We'd better get you back to your watcher. I reckon he'll need a trip to the hospital."
"You're right, we should go. Oh and Spike?"
"Yeah Luv?"
"You might want this back." Buffy said, handing him his gum.