Title: Will You Marry Me?
Summary: He hopes that if he asks enough, she'll eventually say "yes". J/L
Disclaimer: Nope, it's never going to be mine.
A/N:
I started this piece thinking it was going to be a one-shot, but as I continued writing…I realized that I was having way too much fun with this piece. I really find Jane proposing to Lisbon to be hilarious, but I wouldn't be too surprised if Lisbon, later down the road, does decide to get revenge on Jane for some of the things he's done to her here.
So, really; this is just my attempt on a shamelessly cute, fluff piece due to the fact that I just don't want to write angst at the moment.
I.
The first time he asks her, it's an accident.
They're in her office, it's late and she's cussing up a storm.
He's never found her more attractive, especially with her dark hair hanging in her face, exhaustion rubbing at her features and swear words, some he's positive that sailors haven't even heard, flowing from her mouth. Its then, as he's mesmerized by those green eyes of hers, that the four words slip from his own mouth.
"Will you marry me?"
He almost chuckles, especially when she stops in midsentence; her jaw dropped, mouth open, eyes, green and wide in surprise—she's almost too adorable to be considered legal.
(Not that he'll tell her that, of course, due to the fact the woman does carry a gun after all.)
"…wait, what?"
It's also then, while they're in her office and it's late and she's no longer cussing up a storm, that Patrick Jane decides he wants to get Teresa Lisbon to say yes, to him. So, instead of making up some lame excuse as to what he just said to her, not even two minutes ago, though he knows she heard; he smiles brightly, glances at her, innocently and replies.
"I asked you if you'd marry me."
She doesn't reply, and he's pretty sure, as he watches the vein in her neck throb, that either she's having an aneurism, or she's figuring out how to best kill him, and hide his body.
"If you don't get out of my office within the next five seconds, I'm going to find new ways to put my desk phone to good use." Her voice is low and soft, and that spells danger.
"You can't bludgeon your supposed suitor to death."
He doesn't stick around to hear her respond, or to become a moving target to her phone, partially because he wants to live to see tomorrow morning and also because being dead would derail his whole "ask Lisbon to marry him" plan.
(It doesn't even matter that they've only had one date, which she swears backwards and forwards, wasn't a date—he just knows he wants her to say yes.)
II.
"Will you marry me?"
The second time he asks her, she's doesn't seem to be too homicidal.
(But uh…popping the question in the middle of the team meeting with Hightower present probably wasn't the best idea, as far as good ideas go.)
He doesn't get down on one knee, Rigsby is dying of silent laughter, Van Pelt is glancing between her boss and consultant, probably waiting for the inevitable bloodshed to happen, Cho just raises an eyebrow and Hightower is mirroring a fish. Lisbon's face, he notes with delight, is blood red.
He takes that as a good sign because it means she isn't dead, and she's not secretly a vampire.
"I didn't know that you two were dating, Lisbon." Hightower is the first to break the silence.
"We're…I'm…we…" Lisbon sputters, her hands flying everywhere and he smirks. "We're not!"
"Then why is he asking you for your hand in marriage?"
"I have no idea!" Lisbon sputters again. "I think it's because he's in a desperate need of different ways to torture me!" He glares at his future-wife-who-just-doesn't-know-it-yet before he scoffs.
"Lisbon, why would I torture you? I just want you to marry me. I don't think I'm asking for anything unreasonable here."
The response gathers some strange looks, before she turns to look at him, her eyes narrow.
"If you ask me to marry you one more time, I will get a restraining order."
He laughs to himself, because really, what else is he supposed to do?
(Get down on one knee and beg her to marry him? Ha. Yeah, like that'll ever happen.)
III.
Whoever coined the phrase, the third time is the charm, apparently never has met Teresa Lisbon.
The third time he pops the question, they're in the middle of a crime scene, the yellow tape surrounds them and the hot Californian sun is directly overhead.
(He realizes quickly that something is wrong with anyone asking "will you marry me?" over a dead body.)
He only wishes that she would have told him that sooner, as he spends the next two hours, handcuffed to the outside of the SUV—crying out "consultant abuse!" to anyone who cared enough to listen.
(She never gets that restraining order, but he learns to sleep with one eye open— just incase she decides she wants to kill him or something.)
IV.
"I'm not here right now, so please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible."
He grins, and clears his throat to leave her a message after the high pitched beep.
"Hey Lisbon, it's me…Jane. I know you're purposely not answering your phone, and I don't know why but I just wanted to ask you one question." He pauses for a few seconds, as he stares up at the ceiling on the brown leather couch. "Actually, I have two—one, if a person dies and then springs back to life, do they get their money back for the coffin? And two, will you marry me?" He chuckles as he closes the phone, and then places his phone in his jacket pocket.
(It's not until much later, when the office is empty, that he notices that he has a voicemail.)
"Jane! I purposely have my phone on silent because you're the only idiot who wants to call and ask for my hand in marriage. Let me tell you something, I'm not about to get married to you because a) I have no desire of being your wife, b) you annoy the hell out of me and c) I already get enough of you at work!" She pauses for a few moments, before she takes a deep breath and the recording continues. "I'm not even going to answer the other question, because it's one of the most ridiculous things you've EVER asked. Now LEAVE ME ALONE!"
He chuckles, as he pulls his phone from his ear and glances toward Lisbon's empty office.
(He just hopes that, maybe, just maybe, if he asks enough, she'll eventually say "yes".)
V.
It's the fifth time he's about to ask her, and he's not discouraged yet. (In fact, he's googled fifty creative ways of asking her for her hand in marriage.) So, while they're at a hotel for their latest case and she's in her room with Van Pelt, he dresses up in a bellhop costume and knocks on her door.
She answers, and her jaw drops.
"Telegram for Teresa Lisbon."
She grimaces, before she slams the door in his face, and he knocks on the door again. Van Pelt answers only to raise her eyebrow in response, he can hear Lisbon cursing him behind her.
"I have a telegram for Teresa Lisbon." Van Pelt shakes her head.
"Jane, I'm not even going to ask what you're doing…"
"I have a telegram for…"
"Lisbon, I know." Van Pelt sighs. "I'm sorry Jane; boss doesn't want to hear or see you…" Van Pelt shuts the door in his face, but he doesn't knock again—instead, he clears his throat and stares down at the piece of paper in his hands.
"Teresa…" He sings, "I want you to marry me, because you should be Teresa Jane-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e!" He hears something happening behind the closed door. "Please mar-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-ry me!"
The door opens and he finds himself on the ground before he can blink.
"Lisbon, I'm not ready for this step in our relationship just yet." He smirks, and she refuses to get off him.
(When his backside is a beautiful shade of blue and black, he decides to take her aside the next morning to show her; she's not pleased at all, and he ends up riding back to the CBI with the sullen Rigsby and angry Grace.)
VI.
"Why is there a giant gift box outside my office?"
(He hears her move closer, and suddenly he pops out of the wrapped box. He's grinning one of his brightest smiles ever.)
"Surprise! Special deli…Whoa! Put the gun away!"
Lisbon has her hands on her gun, ready to shoot him; she glares at him because he's wearing a huge red bow on the top of his head.
"Jane! What the hell are you doing in a box?"
"Will you marry me, now?"
"For the last time, I'm not going to marry you!"
She stomps off.
(Oddly, he only thinks she's even more beautiful and he plans to try harder the next time.)