Once upon a time there was a wizard named Harry Potter and he asked the hat not to put him in Slytherin and the hat said, "NICE TRY, KID. SLYTHERIN!" and Harry befriended Blaise and fucked Daphne during the Yule Ball and excelled at Potions and created a secret army that was uber-loyal to him and won every game of quidditch and certainly never lost to fucking Hufflepuff and always beat the Gryffindors in the House Cup and made Malfoy look like an idiot and got Os for all his NEWTS and killed Umbridge and also Dobby for pulling that stupid shit with the bludger and stole the Philosopher's Stone for his own use and vanquished Voldemort for real in first year while he was at it and became an even better Dark Lord and banished all the mudbloods in England and his Dark Queens never asked him to leave the seat down and always made him sandwiches.
Epilogue: 19 Years Later
Harry went to Scotland and burned down the entire forbidden forest just to watch it fry before storming the castle and kidnapping Victoire who was really grateful that such a badass stole her away from a really boring job of teaching bratty little bastards how to transfigure matches into needles.