It seems a requirement of all authors on this site to write at least one Naruto fanfic. Thus, before I continue with stuff I'm actually interested in writing, I am pleased to present...
Naruto, Again
Chapter 1: What the Hell, Guys?
Naruto and all associated works are property of Masashi Kishimoto. This odd thing is my own brainchild. None of it is written for cash. Happy now? Oh, and potential spoilers ahead. Just saying.The ceiling was the wrong shade of orange. That was the first thing Naruto noticed when he forced his eyelids apart. He had always been drawn to that particular color, its vitality screaming over any sense of social propriety and ninja practicality. It was bright, and alive; that was why he loved it so. This ceiling was subdued, like a rotting pumpkin in a rainstorm. Someone had clearly avenged themselves upon the trickster genius of Fire Nation, but he could not imagine a human so vile as to ruin a perfectly good orange ceiling.
The second thing he noticed was that the grandiose four-poster bed he rested in was part of a completely unfamiliar room. This in itself was not surprising; He had traveled with Jiraiya for three years, after all. What was surprising was that this room was extraordinarily rich, with polished ebony, burnished silver, and gold-veined marble, and that he could not remember drinking the night before.
Which, in fact, led to his third observation: Naruto was not on the field of the Great Ninja War. There was no pain in his body, and neither of the two Madaras were anywhere to be found. Also odd: He seemed to recall pummeling them personally. Confused, but unwilling to stir himself from the luxury of the mattress, Naruto let his mind drift as, one by one, the memories of the battle unwillingly sorted themselves into a semblance of a recollection.
He wasn't exactly sure when things started to go horribly wrong.
It had begun as a model of a proper ninja ninja confrontation: The great Shinobi Alliance had formed ranks on one end of the wooded plain, and as Madara's evil undead army advanced upon them, cataclysms sundered the earth and rocked the heavens, even as the living embodiments of unrestrained energy clashed upon the blood-soaked rocks, and the bloated, furry avatar of destruction awoke. A proper ninja confrontation, if any was to be had.
Naruto supposed it was his big mouth that really screwed things up. Madara - Or, as it turned out, Obito, had run out of flashbacks, having even recounted the creation of his alias (As if it needed telling. 'Tobi?' 'Obito?' Lord Voldemort called, and he wanted his anagrams back.) Without the breaks in continuity, he was no longer able to recover between bouts. Held in one dimension by Kakashi's superior eye magic, his control over the Juubi had faltered, and it had crumbled into delightfully fluffy bits. The real Madara, a god of battle in his own right, was a fearsome foe even alone, but was losing ground to the unstoppable, painfully bright yellow ninja. All shinobi yet living, and quite a few by definition dead, cheered in spite of themselves. As Madara was forced, step by step, to the mountain's face, the pain in his body seemed to roll away as faces he knew were highlighted with chakra-enhanced definition. There were Ino, Shikamaru, and Choji, shouting until they were red in the face. Iruka, while silent, shone with an undeniable pride in the student who once defaced the Hokage Rock itself. Hinata gazed unabashed at the boy who had always been her hero. And Sakura... He could hear her voice rise above them all:
"Do it, Naruto! Bring that bastard to his knees!"
Even as he basked in the glow of their friendship, even as the broken pieces of his life at last came together in his heart, an ancient evil howled in the depths of his heart, one that had not been seen in countless eons. He watched in horror as his lips formed the words all on their own.
"Why? He's not your mother last night!"
The shinobi world fell silent. For the smallest of instants, Naruto convinced himself that Sakura hadn't heard. But when a sickening crack of knuckles split the air, he knew that the truth was far more terrifying than any undead army.
"...nnnnNNAAARUUUTOOO!"
Madara himself quailed as Sakura, with all the ferocity of a vengeful pink biju, flew at Konoha's #1 Prankster, an unstoppable bolt of feminine fury. Time seemed to stop, and Naruto saw all the years of his life flash before his eyes, from his very first childhood memories to the end of ninja academy... Which were, in retrospect, basically spent as a rebellious, isolated freak of society. Then as a new genin... Consisting of beatings, betrayals, tauntings, rejections, and countless hospitalizations. His recent string of battles, resulting in the destruction of his home, the traumatic murder of his dearest friends, nonsensical resurrections, zombies, and more betrayals...
"You know," Naruto mused, "My life just really, really sucks sometimes. Wait, I remember!" The flashbacks rewound, and he once again saw his adventures with the Pervy Sage, Jiraiya. Open-air baths, endless sake, and the prettiest girls he'd ever seen.
"Wait. What the hell? Why didn't I just stay with Ero-Sensei? God, I'm such a dumbass!" Jiraiya, in all of his unadulterated bachelor glory, was long gone, but as Naruto watched Sakura's fist descend upon him, he took pleasure knowing that their parties in the next life were soon to begin.
"BACK OFF, BITCH! HE'S MINE!" Hinata descended like a living tornado and, as a flabbergasted Sakura was flung into the rubble, forced Naruto to the ground, encircling him with her thighs and eliminating any possible escape. "Finally, right where I want... w-w-want... N-Naruto?" Her face matched Sakura's hair as she seemed to notice the position she had forced Naruto into, and was about to collapse when a bright green bundle boomed across the hills.
"Hinata! I, Lee, had always counted you as a closest ally, but I my youth calls for me to avenge the lovely Miss Sakura! Prepare yourself!" Rock Lee was already opening the first gate and apparently oblivious to Sakura herself crawling unscathed from the rocks. Long since overwhelmed, Naruto gave up resistance and simply watched the show.
"Hinata, though I myself have doubted your choices, as your cousin and friend, I will protect both you and Naruto from this blundering green beast which bears upon you. It is my destiny!"
"Neji, my eternal rival! I always knew this battle was meant to be. Come! I will at long last prove what a genius of hard work can do!"
"WELL SAID! I HAVE TRAINED YOU WELL! YOUR FLAMES OF YOUTH... HAVE REVIVED ME! NOW, WE SHALL DEFEAT OUR FOES, IN THE NAME OF MANHOOD!" Like an emerald effigy of apocalypse, Might Guy shook the heavens with his bellows, and, after a youthful embrace with his student, prepared to wreak havoc upon his foes. Naruto was saved, however, by the revival of Kakashi, who, glancing nervously at the moon, guarded his student and his would-be lover. Ino, Shikamaru, and Choji readied a defensive as well, unwilling to let matters escalate, yet secretly rooting for Hinata.
Madara was getting frightened. These were people on the brink of death just moments prior, who he had brushed aside like flies, and were now amassing power to wipe out nations. "More powerful than all the tailed beasts combined: This is the true power of hormonal adolescents!" He had to escape, before his very essence was ground to dust! Responding to his primal fear, the energies released by the erstwhile combatants swirled around the first, greatest Uchiha, reaching towards the silent moon...
Naruto, already using Hinata's thighs as an impromptu pillow, sensed what was, by this point, another annoyingly familiar chakra, and prepared for the worst. Indeed, it was none other than Sasuke who came flapping over the cliffs, sword in hand and hair quivering like an angry rooster.
"Naruto. The time has come for me to slay you, and show the proof of my existence! I will at last conclude the fight we had when I was thirteen, when you followed me after I was grounded and ran away from home. But I am not alone!" Indeed, flying behind Sasuke was a great, scaly, seemingly inebriated Kabuto, who, at a word, raised yet another army of the dead. Gaara alone came to Naruto's aid, batting aside waves of weakened zombies with walls of reinforced sand.
Naruto had already been exhausted, and this exercise in stupidity was simply too much for his tired mind. Hinata, overloaded by the chain of causality she had detonated, was already unconscious, and Naruto was heavily inclined to join her. Some inkling of responsibility stayed his eyelids, though, and he forced himself to watch the spectacular chaos. It was a rough hand on his shoulder that broke his reverie, and a voice that had been unheard for far too long that rumbled in his ear.
"Finally getting somewhere with women, I see. Considering the amount of effort I put into training you, it's taken far too long." The tangle of long white hair was unmistakable.
"...Ero-Sensei! But..."
"Don't worry about it now, kid. You just get some rest, yeah? Chick like that, you're gonna need it!"
"...M'kay..." As his eyelids at last fell together, the world seemed to grow fuzzy, and the moon swirled like a vortex beyond the stars...
The pieces were all there, but they simply didn't make any sense. Where was Madara? How was Jiraiya still alive? What the hell was going on with the moon? Most importantly, what did Hinata mean, when she said he was hers? Troubled, he slid out of the covers, determined to distract himself with his surroundings. Certainly, there was a lot to distract himself with. The bed was strange, but he could spot the hidden leaf insignia hidden amongst many of the trees carved into the headboard. Three massive doors hung ajar on three opposing sides of the massive, oddly circular chamber. He began to feel peculiar when his gaze strayed towards the furniture, though that might have been simply their overwhelming size. In fact, the entire room was massive; Naruto felt much smaller simply by standing in it. Funnily enough, he felt much lighter as well...
The first door he chose was opposing the bed, and seemed to open into a grand courtyard. It felt far too early in the morning to be going outside, and Naruto closed that door immediately. To the right of the bed was a closet, filled, oddly enough, with both fine black formal wear and rows of his thankfully pure orange jumpsuits. Unnerving, to say the least. The last door, on the left, revealed an opulent bathroom in a state of relative disarray. While the room itself was clean, the shampoo was on its side, the hand wash was inside of the sink, and a bar of soap was simply lying in the middle of the floor. Naruto turned to inspect the mirrors, but he froze when his eyes reached the spotless glass: Reflected in it was a thirteen year old with shockingly blue eyes, bushy blonde hair, and three whisker marks running across each cheek.
Naruto staggered from the bathroom, and at last saw the pictures upon the dresser. A howling infant, swaddled in bright orange blankets; A bubbly toddler, chasing squirrels in the park. The largest frame held a picture of Naruto as he looked at that very moment, holding hands with two smiling adults. He knew them very well.
"Kushina and Minato Namikaze. Mom... and Dad."
Yeah, kind of a sloppy ending there. Don't blame me: I dragged this out in one sitting. Expect repeated edits between this and the finish. In the meantime, tell me what you think! I honestly barely know where this one is going.