Drowning

Beckett got the call when she was at home making herself comfortable on the couch. The bartender from "The Old Haunt" said that the owner may have been drinking too much and that he looked pretty wasted, which became usual lately. He said that he was sorry to disturb her and that his boss had sworn him to secrecy but that he felt obligated to inform her for she was a police detective and was sure able to handle such a situation.
"Ugh!" she thought. All the time she was worried about him and had asked herself where he sometimes went after work. She never confronted him because she accepted the space he needed. After his latest encounter with the psychopath named the "3XK Killer" he had changed. He had become dark and contemplative, it seemed as if this was his mature manly side he always hided behind a loveable childish and very charming outside. Beckett at first thought that it was just a phase and that he would get over it, because he acted as if it all was ok. But that was not true. Inside he drowned in something Beckett could not really make out. Was it fear? Shame? Anger? On the outside he tried to stay normal and put on a masquerade, but on he also slowly began to drown himself into something else - alcohol.

"Damn it, Castle!" Beckett said out loud although no one was there to hear it.

She grabbed her jacket and ran downstairs to jump into her Crown Vic parked in front of her apartment. She usually rode her motorbike when she was not at work, because she did not own a car. But this was not an option anymore, thanks to Castle. At this thought Beckett eventually smiled and it also reminded her how much she cared about this guy. She had fallen very hard for him and enjoyed every minute of the new life Castle had provided her by not letting her go and run straight into the past to drown in it. He had saved her in so many ways and he did not even know about half of it. And she was never going to let him slip away, because for Beckett he was home.

She drove straight to the bar that once had been a speakeasy in the old laddish days of the prohibition. She and Castle came across it while working on a case and Castle totally fell in love with it so he bought it. Beckett maneuvered her car into a parking space one block away from the "Old Haunt".
As she got out she inhaled deeply. She was scared because she was not sure if she was ready to see Castle all drunk and vulnerable, because she had never seen him so tense and upset before. Drunkenness usually brought the things to the outside that one always tries to hide. And for the worse once you are drunk you are not even able to control these deep secrets of yours, so you unwillingly strip your soul to everybody. Beckett wondered how heavily drunk Castle would turn out. Aggressive? Sleepy? Casual? Whiny? She had seen him drunk before but he had been no more than a little tipsy for he was the relishing type of alcohol consumer that preferred savoring a good scotch over getting drunk with beer. So that would be the second premiere of the night.
Beckett went down the block to the bar and entered it. It was half full because it was a Tuesday night and at 10.30 pm a lot of New Yorkers were already heading home from their after work drink. At first she could not figure out where Castle was sitting. But after a while she saw him by the bar at the other end of the room. He had an empty whisky glass in front of him and was disputing with on of the two bartenders. Beckett made her way through the room. The bartender who had called her held her back.

"Sorry Ma'am but he is really kind of aggressive. He's already smashed two glasses and one bottle. So normally we'd call the cops. But with him being the boss …We thought you are as good as the cops! Do you need any help, I mean in your situation you might not…".

"No, thank you…I am the cops, I think I can handle this!"

Beckett looked at the bartender for a second who seemed very concerned.

"He is okay. I will take him home!" she added.

The bartender walked away but still looked unconvinced. Beckett approached Castle and as she did a wave of sadness, love and sympathy crashed on her. She had never seen Castle this torn to pieces as he sat there with weary red eyes. "Rick, come on, I'll get you home." She just said and placed both of her hands on his shoulders.

"Kate, whatcha doin' here?" he babbled.

"Taking you home, that's all!" Kate replied.

"Come on, Castle, let's get going!"

Beckett tried hardly to hide the fact that tears were filling her eyes. With her around suddenly all the aggressiveness of his behaviour had disappeared, now he just looked completely wasted. His eyes were red but the rest of his face was dark and faint. He suddenly looked 10 years older as his crinkles had become deep dark lines framing his drunken expression.

"Beckett, I don' wanna go…Leave me alone…You shoulda stayed at home…".

"Yeah, well Castle, now I'm here and I am not going without you!".

She looked him straight into the eyes as if she wanted to affirm her sentence. Castle slowly stood up.

"Gettin' your lady to get you home bro? No doubt who's the chef, eh?" an old man called out of one corner.

As he laughed his voice sounded raspy and from his looks one could tell he had spent many of his days in bars drinking cheap booze. Castle was about to hit him but Beckett prevented it by stepping between them.

Castle lowered his fist. "Beckett, lemme hit him!".

"No Castle, you wouldn't want to smash the few teeth he has left out of him, do you?".

The guy looked annoyed. Fine, thought Beckett, he just should not have tried to insult an already aggressive man. Outside Beckett somehow walked Castle to her car and they drove in silence.

Beckett got them to her apartment because she did not want his mother and daughter to accidentally see their beloved one in such bad condition. Although they were pretty close and definitely a couple, Beckett maintained her flat as some kind of private and autarkic island. Beckett stayed independent, which made her feel safe because this was the way she got through her life after her mum's murder. But after they got together things went pretty fast and totally not as they would have planned it anyway as it always had been with Castle. She did not plan to dig into her mother's murder again or thought that she could get over it at all. She thought she had worked out a way to deal with her situation by making herself invulnerable with arming and shielding her heart and soul. But one day Castle walks up in the precinct and her whole life changes, because right from the first day he had found a way to at least peek through her wall and had made her see the outside; the life.

She looked at Castle whom she had put on the couch. He just lay there and looked up to the ceiling with empty eyes. Beckett went to get a blanket and as she returned Castle was already asleep or he was at least pretending to do so. Beckett placed a kiss on his sweaty forehead after she had run back a streak of his hair and went to bed. She desperately wanted to cuddle with Castle, hold him and comfort him, but she knew he had to sleep off his hangover first and also she had to wait for him to approach her, because otherwise she would drive him deeper into secrecy and desperation. This night Beckett could not get to sleep. She just lay there staring at the ceiling running her hand over the small bump that was her stomach. They did not plan to get a baby at that point of their relationship, it just had happened after a few months. At first she was shocked but a second after the initial surprise she totally loved the idea of getting Castle's baby, because with him she knew she could achieve and handle everything. With him she felt safe and free. Castle totally freaked out as she broke the news to him.
He was so happy and his magnificent blue eyes were shining as he said grinning: "Guess this ride-along is permanent. Detective Beckett, I told you it would be great and I totally got you laid…"

Beckett thereupon had smashed a pillow in his face, smiled and replied: "And I told you that you have no idea…".

Then they made out. This had become rarely in the last couple of months with Castle being withdrawn and Beckett missed his proximity. Inside of her she felt his baby growing every day and it felt unbelievably good. But at this point she could not share this outstanding experience with the most important person in her life. This thought made Beckett finally cry. She crawled on the side as she silently sobbed into her pillow. Beckett still had no idea what exactly had happened the day Castle had been kidnapped and tortured by the 3XK killer, a serial killer who specialised on blonde women. Castle had figured out where he was hiding and had rescued a woman's life. But it had turned out that 3XK liked to play and set the whole thing up to trap Castle and once again to demonstrate his superiority in his ridiculous psychotic game to him. Beckett came to find him in a seedy motel room just laying there on a dirty mattress. He had said that 3XK just had played the old routine, said some crap about how Castle would feel guilty for being still not able to catch him and then he had shocked him with a taser so he went unconscious.
Castle never spoke about it again. But in the following months he grew apart from her, kept to himself and finally took up a drinking habit that was unknown to Beckett at first for they were not living together in one apartment constantly. The only thing that Beckett knew was that Castle often had nightmares where he would wake up all sweaty.

But he always got out of bed and went straight to the bathroom so Beckett was never able to ask him about it because everytime she did he had replied: "Everything is fine. I just don't have a heavy sleep at the moment. Nothing to worry about."

And then he had always changed the subject. Beckett missed him so much that it hurt her deeply. She just could not stand the fact that he was pulling away from her. At some time she eventually fell asleep because as she opened her eyes again sunlight framed the edges of her curtain. The brightness made Beckett squint and she did not realise that a person was sitting on her edge of bed until she could open her eyes properly. For a little while she was just lost in his beautiful eyes that lay upon hers and she wanted to stay in this moment forever. Castle took her hand.

"Kate, I don't know what to say… I am so sorry, I just, I just can't think of a good way to put it.".

"Shhh!" Kate put a finger on his lips. "It's okay Rick, I understand. You don't have to say anything."

"No, no, it's not. I owe you an explanation. I don't want to hurt you, Kate. You gave me all the space and you didn't push me into talking. But I realised that it's tearing us apart and I don't want that anymore. Damn it, Kate, I could have hurt you yesterday!".

Castle looked down on his hands, ashamed.

"No Rick. I know that you would never hurt me. I am there for you if you want to talk about it or not…".

She fondly looked at him and ran her thumb over the back of his hand.

"But I need you Castle. Damn, I can't make it without you. We need you. " she added looking at her stomach.

As she looked up at Castle again she saw how concerned and sad he was. So she sat up and took his head into her hands to slowly kiss him. He kissed her back and she could smell that he had showered. Beckett savoured the moment, the touch, the proximity, the intimacy.

"Kate, I want to talk about it but I somehow can't, it's driving me crazy and I don't know how to deal with it. It's haunting me. I feel so weak!".

"You aren't weak, Castle. It takes a lot of courage to face a serial killer and I'm proud of you."

She hugged him for a long time and hoped that he could feel her concern and that she would always be there for him.

Finally Castle said: "I'm going to face my problems and I will consult someone. But I can't make it without you."

"I'm your backup Castle, always…".

Beckett smiled at him while she ran her fingers through his sandbrown hair. So they sat in the living room and Castle told Beckett everything. That he couldn't sleep and think anymore because he blamed himself for the things that happened to the woman he saved as it was just a part of 3XK's plan to show him how much he could control Castle. That it was now personal and that he was driven by the thought of catching the bastard while knowing that was just what he wanted. Beckett sat there beside him and held his hand. Castle did not look at her while he was talking. He gazed around the room to gain the confidence to finally tell his story. And at the end of it Beckett embraced him again and they remained silent for a while. Then Castle made breakfast, they ate and went to work, because that was what Castle wanted: To carry on and to not let some psycho rip him of his life with Kate.

The next night they stayed at Beckett's flat again. But this time Castle did not sleep on the couch. He lay with Beckett and she liked the warmth he provided that was filling up here insides. For the first time since months she felt safe and happy again. But in the middle of the night Castle woke up all sweaty again. Beckett felt him trembling and just as he was about to get out of the bed she held him back. She did not say anything but just looked at him and kissed him. While their lips locked their kisses got more intensive and as their tongues played with each other they both felt the heat that was about to come up. Beckett noticed her inside arousing and Castle getting all excited too. They both wanted each other so much and the tension between them became unbearable. So Beckett took off Castles T-shirt and slowly began kissing his chest with her mouth wandering down to his navel.
As she did she noticed the scars the encounter with the taser had left. It looked pretty sore and once again Beckett felt the urge to comfort Castle even more. So she slowly kissed his scars, running her tongue along the marks. Castle's body relaxed under her and she felt him grab under her shirt. As she took it off they hold each others eyes raising the intensity of the moment.

"You look beautiful, Kate." he said lovingly running his hands over Beckett's stomach.

She bent down on him and whispered in his ear: "I missed you Castle. Tonight I wanna feel you…"

Meanwhile she had run her hand down to his sensitive area and he mourned in pleasure drawing her closer to him.

"I love you, Kate Beckett"

"I love you too, Castle!"

That were the only words they spoke. The rest of the night was the silence of two becoming whole again.

Ok, folks! It's my first fanfic so please please review! ;)