Once upon a time there were three girls living in the year 2008 who were best friends. Their names were Mary, Marey, and Merry. Mary had eyes of violet and hair of gold, Marey had eyes of jade and hair of burgundy, and Merry had eyes of indigo and hair of silver. They were sweet, sarcastic, smart, tough, feminine, and witty all rolled into one perfect and hot body.
One day while at Mary's house the girls were listening to mainstream musicals and talking about Shakespeare when suddenly a vortex opened up and the girls found themselves inexplicably pulled back into the year 1899.
"Whoa," Mary said as she brushed herself off. "We totally went back in time."
"Strange how clean and sanitary the late 1800's look," Merry commented.
"Yeah," Marey added. "You'd think with the lack of hygiene products and medicines there would be a lot more death and stench in the air."
Before the girls could further contemplate this, a group of incredibly hot newsboys came over. They were intrigued by the girls standing there dressed in Daisy Dukes and tank tops. However, if they noticed that these girls were wearing less clothing than a turn-of-the-century prostitute, they didn't say anything.
"Hi," Jack greeted. "I'm Jack Kelly and I'm leader of the Manhattan Newsies."
"Uh…shouldn't that be newsies with a lower case 'n'?" Merry asked.
"Nope. Anytime you mention us you have to use a capital 'N' because we're just that cool."
"Okay. So, Jack, now that we've come to your time period from over 100 years in the future, what should we do?"
Racetrack stepped forward, shuffling cards in his hands. "I'm Racetrack, a one-man casino. I think you guys should dress up in Newsies clothing and join us in selling papers on the streets." Racetrack began dealing out cards in an impromptu poker game.
Marey shrugged. "Well, I guess that's the best option. Look!" she pointed to a nearby store. "There's Newsboys Unlimited. I'm sure we can find some time period appropriate clothing in there."
"Will it be gender appropriate?" Mary asked.
The girls decided that really didn't matter.
After stacking up their arms with shirts, pants, suspenders, and all the Newsies caps they could carry, the girls made their way to the check-out counter. "Good thing I stuffed my pockets full of cash before we randomly went back in time," Mary said as she pulled a twenty from her pocket and handed it to the cashier.
"Hm…" he said as he examined the bill. "This bill doesn't look like any money I've seen before and it clearly says it was made in the year 1999 which is 100 years in the future. I should consider this to be a pathetic counterfeiting attempt…but you look like honest girls, so I'll just assume you're telling the truth." He rang up their purchases, handing them a receipt. "Come back soon!"
The girls re-approached the boys after changing into clothing that looked similar to theirs (only very obviously made for women, not men. You know, like those "Boyfriend Jeans" that the Gap or whatever used to sell, where it's supposed to look like a man's jeans, but they were very obviously made for a woman's body, so it really doesn't…sorry, I'm digressing here.)
"Youse goils looks vewy beeutifuls nows dats youse gots ons dats clothings!" one of the no-name Newsies proclaimed unintelligibly.
"Um…what?" Merry asked. "Are you speaking English?"
"Ise is usin dah Noo Yawk accents sos dats youse can tell dat Ise from New York and dats Ise lives in da yeah 1899. If Ise didn't talks likes dis how else would youse be able tah tell?"
"I'd probably be able to tell because I've seen the movie and because the story has already been set up as taking place in 1899 New York," Marey said logically. No-Name Newsie shut up, though he continued to glare at Marey for her use of logic.
"I'm hungry," Mary said.
"We have to go to Tibby's," David explained. "It's the only restaurant anywhere in New York."
"Must suck for people who live in the other boroughs."
"Not really. Manhattan is only about five minutes away from every other New York location."
"Ah. Good to know."
The group got ready to leave. "Hey, Skittery!" Jack called. "Don't you want to come?"
Skittery was currently sitting on the curb with a razor blade to his wrists. "No thanks guys! I think I'll just sit here and cut myself some more. I'm in a bad mood and all, as you are well aware. Have fun!"
"Wow, Skittery, you're so emo!" Merry proclaimed as they walked off.
"Hey look!" Racetrack looked up from his portable roulette wheel and pointed to a boy with breasts. "It's that new Newsie. I think he is horribly ugly and bland."
A gust of wind came by and knocked off the "boy's" cap…revealing the longest and most beautiful head of copper colored hair ever. "Oh my God! She's beautiful and amazing in every way!" Racetrack said.
"But you just said…" Mary was shushed by the Italian Newsie who was now sexing up the newly discovered female.
The group decided to leave him behind and continue on to Tibby's. Just then a very nice looking carriage stopped and the door opened to reveal a beautiful girl. "Oh my God!" she cried. "I'm rich and even though my lifestyle all but guarantees that I will never freeze or starve to death and that the only part of my body that will ever have to do any work is my uterus, I've decided that I'm in love with you and want to live a life of poverty with you!" She tackled Jack to the ground.
"That is so totally awesome!" Jack yelled. If anyone noticed Jack's use of 20th century vocabulary, they didn't comment on it. Instead, the group continued on their way.
"Where are we going to sleep?" Marey asked Blink.
"You can stay in the Newsboy Lodging House," he told her.
"Really? Isn't it for, you know, boys?"
"Nah. You can sleep there in the same room or even the same bed as us. It's totally normal."
"Hey, it's Sarah!" Mush cried. "Hide!"
The Newsies scrambled to hide from the girl as she passed. "We all hate Sarah," Snitch whispered to Mary.
"Why?"
"Because." And that was a good enough reason for her.
"Oh no!" Mush cried from the alley where he had hidden himself. "There's a girl here and she's unconscious."
Everyone gathered around the young girl with hair like the sun. She opened her eyes (they were like the ocean). "Who am I?" she asked. "I hit my head and now I have total amnesia about everything."
"Maybe if you came to live at the Newboys Lodging House it would help," Mush suggested.
"Okay, boy I've never met and who obviously doesn't know me. I'll come live with you."
"You know," Merry said," I don't know that I want to be a Newsie. I mean, selling papers is hard, isn't it?"
"Well, you could work for Medda as a performer," David said.
"That would be good. I'm a highly talented singer/dancer/actress/ventriloquist/puppeteer/magician/lion tamer," Mary said.
"Me too!" Marey said.
"Me three!" Merry said.
"Me four!" said the girl who had been pretending to be a boy.
"Me five!" said the rich girl.
"Me six!" said the girl with amnesia, mostly because she was feeling left out.
"Uh-oh! Here come the Delancy Brothers!" Boots called out. The group turned to see two brothers rampaging down the street, punching the boys and raping the girls.
"Let's duck into Irving Hall and ask Medda about some jobs until they're gone," Merry suggested.
The Swedish psycho met them at the door. "Of course all of you girls can have a job here. You don't need to audition or anything. I trust these guys when they say you're talented. You can start tonight!"
The group celebrated their good fortune.
"We should go to Brooklyn and introduce the girls to Spot!" Blink said.
"But I'm hungry!" Merry whined.
"Don't worry. We'll be there and back in, like, fifteen minutes," Blink promised.
Five minutes later the girls were standing before the asshole/chauvinist Newsie. "You are all really hot," Spot said cockily. "I'm going to make lewd comments to you every time I see you and be perplexed when you don't swoon."
"Wow, you're a pig," Marey said. "And I could totally beat you up cause I'm a tough girl. What happened in your life to make you so disrespectful of women?"
"Well, when I was little I ran away from home and left my baby sister behind…" Spot began, cut off by the screams of a nearby girl who had skin of dark brown, eyes of chocolate, and hair like the night sky.
"Ohmigod! I totally had an older brother who ran away from home when I was little!" She enveloped him in a hug. "You're my long lost sib!"
"Sis!" Spot cried, returning the embrace.
"Um…didn't a lot of kids run away from home?" Mary asked. "That doesn't necessarily mean you two are brother and sister. I mean, you don't look like you're even the same ethnicity."
"No, we so are," the girl insisted. "Our family has an African-American gene that only shows up in the women."
"…did you just use the term "African-America?" Merry asked. "I didn't realize the 19th century was so politically correct."
"Well, now that we're reunited, let's all go to Tibby's for a quick meal."
Five minutes later the group was in Tibby's eating when the door opened to reveal the Mayor's daughter. Blink stood and went over to where she sat. "Oh wow! You're the daughter of Mayor…uh…well, I couldn't actually be bothered to research who was mayor of New York at this time, so I'll just give him the most generic name I can think of…Mayor John Smith! Anywho, do you want to go out and stuff?"
"Sure," the Mayor's daughter agreed, "so long as I can be a frigid bitch for the first ten minutes."
"Of course! In the meantime I'll be as gross and as slovenly as I possibly can."
The sexual tension between the two grew so thick that it began to suffocate the rest of the group, so they decided it best to leave. As they filed out, Mary was grabbed from behind and pulled into a dark alley. She emerged moments later. "Hey guys, I was raped and stuff."
"Must have been the Delancey Brothers," Race surmised as he looked up from his game of Blackjack.
"Yeah, but only Oscar," Mary said.
"Oh, well at least it was the cute one," Merry commented positively.
"Well, you must be very traumatized and afraid," Mush decided. "You probably don't want guys around and touching you."
"Actually, I think having sex with you will make me totally forget the entire thing!" And with that she tackled the boy to the ground, grappling at his clothing.
Marey sidled up along side Dutchy slyly. "Shall we follow their lead?" she suggested.
"Oh, sorry, but I'm gay," he explained before likewise tackling Specs to the ground in a mad and hot make-out session. If the 19th century people walking about thought it strange or scandalous to see two boys make out they didn't say anything.
Amnesia girl suddenly had an idea. "Maybe if I have sex with one of you I'll get my memory back."
Jack shrugged. "It's worth a shot," he said, grabbing her and pulling her into a heavy kiss.
She pulled back. "Yes! I just remembered that my father/boyfriend abused me and raped me so I ran away."
"There seems to be a lot of that going on these days," Spot noticed.
"Well," said Amnesia girl, "I guess going to live with a bunch of horny newsboys won't be emotional traumatic for me at all." She and Jack skipped off happily to the Newboys Lodging House.
Mary, Merry, and Marey decided to have a little pow-wow. "I for one have decided that I never want to return to the year 2008 where I had money, medicine, good hygiene, and other luxuries like television, internet, cell phones, chapstick, Midol and tampons, but instead want to stay here with these hot Newsies and live a life in which I have a good chance of dying in child birth," Merry announced.
"Yeah!" Marey agreed. "Who cares that I'll never see my family again or that doing this will completely change history and possibly prevent someone from ever being born? I think that's a completely smart idea."
"Me too!" Mary chimed in.
And they lived miserably ever after.
Fin
AN: Let me say that this was written in good humor. I'm guilty of at least two or three of the clichés I hit upon (and I think writing a fic about clichés is, in itself, a cliché), so I'm not calling out anyone specifically. I just thought it would be something funny to write.