Disclaimer: I don't own Hollyoaks or any characters. I do however own the OC's.
I got this idea in my head and it wouldn't let me go until I did something with it. It's a very, very slow burner.
Pairing(s): Ste/OMC (non graphic); Ste/Brendan (graphic); mentions of past Ste/Doug; John-Paul/Doug
AU-Future fic. Everything happened as it did in the show as of March 2013. Ste POV.
Rated M; Hard M in places.
Warning(s): Swearing; graphic M/M sex; mentions of alcohol abuse; drug abuse; domestic abuse; graphic suicide.
Set a year and a half after Brendan goes to prison.
It took over a year to get his balance back, to get some perspective. To realise that Brendan was the love of his life, his soul mate but that he was out of reach. That his lover wasn't going to suddenly come back and make his life complete.
He acted out. He hurt a lot of people, not least himself but he had managed to claw his way out of a pit of despair.
He had sold the deli. Forced himself to part with it because he couldn't work there anymore. He loved it but at the same time it reminded him every day of what he had lost. A man who would let him get away with nicking 80 grand, thought that it was worth 80 grand just to see him happy. Would give him everything he wanted, everything he needed but had been forced to give it all up to protect his sister.
Ste was still bitter with Cheryl. He had told her to go the day Brendan was arrested because he had known even then, even with the shock flowing through his system that he wouldn't have been able to bare having her around him. Couldn't bare it, that she got everything. She accepted Brendan's sacrifice. She got the man of her dreams, a lover, a friend and an estate. And Ste got nothing except his heart shattered into thousands of pieces.
He was happy for her. Happy that she finally found herself a white knight but he couldn't forgive her. She had ruined his life just as much as Brendan had. Just as much as Walker, Kevin, Pauline and Terry.
He had sold his half of the deli to Doug. By rights he could have fought with Doug because the Deli was in Ste's name alone but he couldn't do it, couldn't find the fight, the will when it didn't really matter. They were still married and it just didn't feel right to take that from Doug after everything he had done to him, leaving him to go after Brendan after marrying him, screaming at him bitter hateful words when he had just wanted to be alone because he couldn't tolerate kindness. He wasn't that much of a bastard. Doug deserved something for putting up with him. Doug had managed to get a loan to cover his half and bought him out.
40 grand, it was actually worth more than that but he didn't want to fight anymore. He didn't care. 40 grand was enough. He wanted a fresh break.
He had spent enough time ignoring his responsibilities and being a scally. He dealt drugs for a bit mainly because it gave him access to the best stuff. But he'd been too high half the time to actually make the deals and his dealer had stopped trusting him. It was the best thing that had happened to him although at the time he had raged about it. Without dealing he couldn't maintain a habit without dipping into the 40 grand. He couldn't buy drugs with Brendan's money which he found ironic considering where the money had come from. He knew Brendan would go off it if he ever found out. He was going to do it just to spite him but he didn't. Something stopped him.
He fucked around for a while out of spite. He topped mostly but occasionally he needed something more and he'd go out find someone with Brendan's build and have them fuck him from behind. Couldn't bare anyone facing him.
There was nothing there. It left him feeling cold, guilty and dirty. He couldn't even get off most of the time and it was embarrassing. He had stopped though. There was no point.
On good days he could imagine Brendan's face when he told him that he had ruined him for other men. Imagined his glee, his laugh.
On bad days he punched walls, kicked anything within reach and raged against everything because it was all so unfair.
When he was horny he pulled out his personal wank bank from his memory and depending on his mood he had all range of memories of what Brendan used to do to him to get himself off. It made him ache. Made him wish for one last time which he could savour because he had let himself assume that there would always be time for that later.
The drugs were gone but he didn't stop drinking. He drank everything he could get his hands on until one night he had gone into price slice half… three quarters cut, trashed a display by accident as he struggled with his balance. The police had been called and he hadn't even bothered to put up a fight when they put him in the car.
The night he had spent in a cell after getting banged up for drunk and disorderly because Cindy didn't think he should get done for criminal damage refused to press charges, she had just wanted him out of the shop and thought that he'd only cause more trouble if she hadn't rang them, it gave him time to think.
Brendan was stuck in a cell, hated prison, but had taken it. Taken it because the sniper hadn't shot to kill. Taken it so his baby sister could live her life.
He had looked at the bleak walls, listened to the noises, remembered his time in juvie, he remembered everything Brendan had ever wanted for him. Prison wasn't what Brendan wanted for him. It wasn't what Ste wanted for himself. He couldn't bare the idea that he wouldn't be able to see him kids again.
They always say that moments of clarity come only when you have reached rock bottom. Ste was at rock bottom, the only way to get what he wanted, what he needed from his life was to dust himself down.
He had spent the next two days cleaning his flat, binning the drugs and all the drink. He hadn't cared what had happened to it when he was just existing on getting over his hangover or looking for his next fix. Anything to dull the pain, anything to make it all go away.
He had gone to see Doug and apologised for everything he had put him through. Even ground out a apology to that smug tit John-Paul because he knew that he had put a strain on their relationship. He wanted Doug to be happy, if it was John-Paul that made him happy then he wasn't going to even try to understand it, just get out of their way.
He had then gone to Manchester for the weekend and seen Amy. They had talked, seriously talked like they had done years ago when he had been forced into counselling. She had recommended that he get another therapist if he was still struggling. He had wanted to scream that he didn't need one but he realised he did. He needed to talk through everything with someone who didn't know Brendan. Didn't know their history, who could be neutral in a way that no one else around him could be.
Laura Ellington. Dr Laura Ellington. It had taken him five different councillors before he found one that he could stand being in a room with.
All it had taken was a simple question.
"Who's that?" He had pointed to the picture on the wall behind her, anything to stop having to start a real conversation. It was clear that it was a few years old, her hair was a different colour.
"Sean." She replied without looking. There was only one picture on the wall. In fact he hadn't seen anything else personal.
"You're boyfriend?"
"He was… He died." She had replied with a sadness which touched his own. Brendan wasn't dead but the sense of loss felt the same to him. It felt worse for some reason.
"I'm sorry."
"He was stabbed protecting me. It was my fault. The knife was meant for me but Sean just had to jump in and save me."
"When?"
"Seven years ago. But these sessions are for you Ste. We're here to talk about you, not me."
It had loosened him up, she understood loss and because of that she could see straight through him.
She had listened, not judged. Listened to his whole sad, miserable life story without saying anything. She had just sat there while he poured his heart out. Gave him space to get it all out before they started working through it.
She had told him not to feel guilty about getting on and living his life which had started an argument. She had a temper on her too beneath all her calm.
"Like you have?" He had shot back in a fit of temper. "How long has Sean been dead? And there isn't anyone else you have on your wall, looks like you haven't moved on."
"I may not have found love again but I still manage to live. I've learnt to function which is what you want. I miss Sean everyday but it doesn't stop me living. That's what we're trying to achieve here Ste. You can miss Brendan, you can love him but you need to learn to function with your grief."
The next session she had apologised for being unprofessional and that she would understand if Ste wanted to work with someone else. He hadn't though. She was honest with him and that was enough.
He had started making the little steps that he needed to get back on his feet properly. He managed it eventually.
All the baby steps added up to a long conversation on what he wanted to do. He didn't have a job but he loved to cook so what was he going to do?
It was a conversation with Tony at the Dog one night that had made up his mind.
Tony had gone through a rough patch himself and was looking to get Ill Nosh properly back up and running but he was short of cash.
Ste didn't know what he was going to do but he knew he wanted to get back into cooking.
That had been it. Tony had offered to make Ste a partner in Ill Nosh if he invested.
There wasn't really anything for Ste to think about. He liked working with Tony. They got on well and Tony had known him for a long time. It worked incredibly well. Tony took care of a lot of the financial side but between them they were making Ill Nosh a success again.
Amy had agreed to start letting him have the kids again for a couple of days a month ago. She had banned him from looking after them until he been through counselling. He didn't blame her. He was still allowed to see them, all he had to do was call a few days ahead, then again on the morning of the visit so that Amy could check his state of mind. The first weekend he them back at the flat had been brilliant. It reminded him that he was still a good father despite everything.
"Are you done daydreaming? Those mains aren't going to cook themselves." Tony shocked him back into reality.
"Alright I'm doing them now." Ste replied out of habit. He should have apologised for being off in his own world but Tony just shook his head, smiling a little and took the starters out.
Lunch was always busy and in recent weeks it had become even busier. The good weather had meant that people were willing to sit outside, meaning there were more covers. By the time they had finished lunch it was prep-time for the dinner sitting.
"How's it going Ste?" Jamie Rivers asked leaning on the service area. He was a mechanic from the new garage at the back of the village. He had been coming in every day since Tom Cunningham had brought him in. Tom was working a couple of hours at the garage because he thought it was "better than a collecting glasses and cooler than a paper round".
Jamie was friendly with everyone. He was a really nice bloke. Fit too which Ste couldn't help but notice the first time he walked in only to feel crippling guilt. He was checking out other men while Brendan was locked up.
He'd called Laura as she had insisted he did when he hit a problem. She was worried about his history with drugs, drink and he had told her he often acted without thinking only to regret his actions later. She said that it was better to talk through the problem then decide what his reaction should be. His time in anger management helped a lot and he didn't call her every time but there we times when he knew that she would put him back on track.
"Did being with Brendan stop you looking?" She had asked.
"Yeah."
"Not for anything, nothing more than looking. Walking down the street and thinking to yourself he's a bit of alright. Did you never make comments to each other when you were out together? Did he stop looking?"
"Yeah." She pierced him with a look. "Alright no. He was always checking out other men but it was more an ego thing. He'd check them out, they'd fall under his spell then he'd drop all interest, just to prove he could have anyone he wanted."
"What happened if you showed someone a bit of interest?"
"He'd notice, look at them, cock his head, wrap his hand around my neck and pull me into a filthy kiss. I mean this was after he came out properly obviously before that he used to just give me a look that told me everything he wanted to do to me." He blushed when he realised what he said but Laura didn't look embarrassed.
"But you still looked." He nodded. "There's no harm in looking Ste. There is nothing wrong with looking you're a young man, you've got a sex drive." She looked like she wanted to say more but held back. He knew that it was going to be about betrayal though. She was going to say that he wasn't betraying Brendan by looking but had stopped herself because they both knew he wasn't ready to hear or deal with that. Not yet, not by a long shot.
"Earth to Ste." Jamie said smiling. He really was a good looking bloke especially when he smiled.
"Alright. You?" Ste replied stopping doing his prep.
"Busy. It's great actually, it's really picking up. Might have to take someone else on soon." He replied.
"Jamie you're coffee's up." Tony said as he brought the take-away coffee through. He was used to Jamie talking to Ste at the hatch and hadn't said anything to stop it.
"Thanks Tony." With coffee in hand he returned to the hatch. He was looking nervous and Ste's stomach dropped through the floor. He knew what was coming it had been coming for weeks. Jamie wasn't a big flirt but enough of one that Ste knew he was interested in him.
"I was wondering if you wanted to get a drink with me sometime."
"Why?" He asked realising that it had come out harsher than it should have.
"I haven't got many mates around here and we get on alright don't we? It'd just be nice to talk to you without interrupting your work. Think on it yeah. I've got to get back." He gave Ste and hopeful look then walked away.
He felt like he was dying. He couldn't breathe.
"Ste. Ste! Listen to me." Tony was panicking but at the same time calming. "Breathe. Calm down. You're having an anxiety attack. Just breathe. Listen to me. In… Out… In… Out…"
His heart was trying to get out of his chest. His lungs were burning and his eyes were watering.
"You're not dying. Stop struggling and listen." Tony insisted. "In… Out…" Someone came into his tunnelling vision. A paper bag was placed to his lips. "In… and out…"
Eventually his vision came back and his heart calmed down. He sat with his back to the counter. Knees drawn up with his arm wrapped around them.
"Want to tell me what that was all about?" Tony asked handing him a glass of water.
"Nothing." Ste replied.
"Must be something to cause a panic attack." Tony sat opposite him.
"Jamie asked me out." He replied quietly.
"That's all?" Tony realised what he said. Ste could see it. Tony realised it was big deal to Ste but hadn't realised why until he had made light of it. "Ste…"
"I need to call Laura." He needed to speak to her. She never made light of anything Ste felt. She always managed to calm him down. "Can I…?" He realised as he stood he hadn't finished all the work he needed to do.
"Go. Take a couple of hours. I will need you back for the evening rush though." He looked genuinely sorry about that. "Can't have you handling knives with your hands shaking like that anyway." He placed a hand on his forearm. "Will you be alright getting home?"
"Yeah, I'll be fine. Just…" Panic was rising again.
"Go on then."