A resulting one shot from one of my all-nighters. Please R&R. Hermione POV
Because I Love Him
*an H-Hr Fanfic*
His back was turned to me again. He was staring at someone quite far away from us, but still in our table.
Ginny Weasley, the apple of the Chosen One's eyes. And here, I sit invisible, available only when something academic and logical is needed. I would forever be "just" the sidekick. I could feel Ron's eyes on my bushy brown hair. When will he realize that my love for him is purely platonic? Harry would always be the only one. But I will just keep on staring. I would keep on longing. The chances of Harry finally looking at me differently is one in a million. It's too probable, but still, not impossible. All I would have to do is tell him.
Argh, I hate my thoughts. This was not the Hermione I knew. Then again, over the years, I've changed a lot. What with having two highly adventurous boys as best friends, one of them a marked man.
Oh, Hermione, you are totally hopeless.
"Hey," he said as I walked out of Ancient Runes. I could see that he was aching to say something.
"What is it?" I asked, my eyebrow raised.
"What's what?"
"You have something to ask me," I said.
"Here's the thing," he began slowly. "It's a Hogsmeade weekend tomorrow and I was wondering if . . ."
"You were wondering if . . .?" I mimicked playfully. Was this my chance? Is he actually about to ask me out?
"If . . . you could help me ask Ginny out?" he said. My heart shattered to pieces immediately. But I can't let him know that.
"S-sure," I replied instead with a weak smile.
"Thanks, you're the best!" He gave me a quick hug before we proceeded to planning on how to ambush Ginny without anybody getting hurt.
After lunch, we managed to spot Ginny in the library, anxiously doing her homework.
"Go!" I growled at Harry pushing him towards her. I hid behind a bookshelf to listen.
"Oh . . . kay, sure," Ginny replied after Harry finally managed to get the words out. I breathed a sigh of relief. His mission was a success.
The rest of the weekend and the following week had passed uneventfully, except for Harry's constant glancing at Ginny and she smiling back whenever she caught him.
Seeing Harry primp for the event made me depressed. When it was only the three of us he would just throw on the first thing that he would see. What was so special about Ginny? She was also a girl. She was nearly the same as me.
Then again, she didn't have bushy hair. She didn't have large front teeth. She didn't have the tendency to boss people around. She wasn't afraid of riding a broomstick. She wasn't afraid of making the boys like her.
Would you stop this insecurity crap already?!
Calm down, Granger. You don't need to change. You have to make Harry see that you are special. You have to make him see that you love him.
What have I been doing for the past six years? I loathed him and Ron on my first year, but ever since he saved me from the troll, I could never hate him. Every year since that we've been fighting together. We saved Sirius together, I got him through the Triwizard, he stayed with me while I was Petrified, he cried when I almost died.
And then Ginny comes in our lives. I will forever suffer his unrequited love. I will never be truly happy unless he knows.
I've got to let him know.
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I waited for his date to finish inside the Gryffindor Common Room. I had declined Ron's invitation to come with him. I was too depressed. I might see them together happily and might have a nervous breakdown. I can't let Harry see that.
I heard the Common Room door swing open. Two people were walking inside, chattering happily. Then they laughed. The deep-voiced laugh sent chills down my spine.
It was the laugh that I loved hearing the most.
"Oh, hey, Hermione," he greets as soon as he saw me on the couch. Ginny was on his arm. Oh, crap.
"Let me guess," I said, making my smile as sincere as possible—I don't want any reasons for him to doubt my true emotions. Right now, I'll just play along. "You guys had an awesome time at your date, and now you're together."
"Er, not exactly," Harry answered sheepishly.
"Come on, quit denying it. It's obvious from your face," I said. He and Ginny smiled at each other before smiling at me. "Oh, all right I won't tell Ron."
"Thanks, 'Mione, you're the best!" And with that he pecked me on the cheek.
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The spot where he had kissed me burned endlessly. It's been hours since they walked out the door. Here I am, still curled up in a ball, still crying. I mean, a kiss on the cheek? Ha, now I've lost all hope in the world.
I clutched the pillow as I cried, my silent companion. It has been my best friend ever since all this hurt began.
All this hurt I've gone through, because I love him. All this pain, I endured because I love him. All these tears I cried, because I love him.
But was that enough? Was loving him enough reason to torment myself? I've never been such a masochist, or at least I haven't noticed. I've been stabbing myself over and over all this time.
And all because I love him
And I was too late to let him know.
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The next day, I was unable to eat.
"What's wrong, 'Mione?" I heard his familiar voce say. He was worried about me. Huh.
"Oh, nothing, I just . . . nothing," I replied nonchalantly, proceeding to pick at my eggs and bacon.
"I know when something's wrong," Harry said directly in my ear. I could feel his cool breath against one side of my face and I could almost smell it.
The tears were starting again. I knew I didn't deserve this. I wanted this to stop, because if I don't let this stop, I would just want more and end up hurting myself again. Another stab at my heart.
Aha, Dumbledore saves the day. He was up at the platform, about to give another speech.
"Halloween will be celebrated by yet another ball," he began. "This Friday, October the thirty-first, the first Hogwarts Grand Masquerade Ball shall take place here in the Great Hall. Everyone is encouraged to come with partners, and of course, no mask, no entry."
The talk came after his little announcement. Of course Harry would go with Ginny. How am I supposed to go?
"Uh, Hermione?" Ron asked from behind me.
"Yes?"
"I was just wondering . . . if . . .uh . . ."
"If I'd like to go to the Ball with you? Sure. That'd be great," I replied immediately. I'd almost forgotten about him!
"Wow, you mean it?"
"Sure, why not? We're friends right?"
"Y-yeah," Ron's face fell. I bet he was thinking that I was finally falling for him. "Just as friends."
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The Ball came quite swiftly. I had had my dress sent from home. Ron had gotten new ones (proper ones, I might add; unlike those awful ones he used at the Yule Ball) along with a mask. From where the mask was, I don't know. My mum was kind enough to send the mask I got from Venice as well.
We walked together to the Great Hall, which was already packed with people. The lights were a bit dark and flashy, so it was hard to see who's who.
I'd spotted Ginny (thanks to her flaming red hair) arm in arm with Harry. They sat with Ron and I, but Ron had exited off to the buffet table. We had small conversations, but then, the music began to slow down.
"May I have this dance?" Harry asked Ginny. Ginny threw me an apprehensive glance.
I mouthed "go on" and then she took Harry's hand. Together they walked off to the dance floor.
Harry had his arms on Ginny's waist and she had his arms around his neck. They circled slowly and gracefully in time with the music. They stared into each other's eyes as if they were seeing light for the first time. They were holding each other as if they would never want to let go.
I should be in that position. Harry should be staring into my eyes. His arms should have been on my waist. We should have been together. And I'm experiencing all this pain just because of my own stupidity.
They say people who are academically intelligent are ultimately stupid when it comes to love. Hah, here I am, living proof. The scene was too much. I was hurting myself again. The daggers were recreating my unhealed scars.
I hid off to a corner behind one statue set up for the event. And there, I began crying.
The music was already over, but I still can't stop myself. This is the only time when they won't see me. This is the time I can let myself go.
"Hey," someone said. The voice was unfamiliar due to the blaring sound. "Why are you crying?"
"Long story," I replied in between sniffles. The masked man handed me his handkerchief to wipe my tears. "Th-thanks."
"I could lend my ear for a while. I'm in no hurry."
"Well . . . if you insist," I said. "It's just that . . . have you ever felt that feeling . . . when you see your one true love right in front of you and . . . and he doesn't see you back? Like he's staring at nothing."
I paused for a while.
"Like . . . you know that he should love you, but then . . . he doesn't."
"How do you know he doesn't love you?"
"I just . . . know he doesn't," I replied.
"Life is full of surprises," the masked man said. "Believe me, anything can come at any time."
He looked at me and stared into my eyes. His eyes were sort of . . .green, but I couldn't be sure.
"Like what? What could come at any time?" I challenged. His mask was only half covering is face, Just like mine.
"This," he said simply. He lifted his mask slightly and pressed his lips on mine. I closed my eyes to treasure the moment, wishing deeply that it was Harry.
Seconds later, the warmth was gone.
I must have fallen asleep. Good thing no one had seen me.
I made my way to the table and to my surprise, I found Ginny alone.
"Where's Harry?" I asked.
"Oh, he got us some drinks."
I sat down across her and relived the dream that had felt so real.
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"I didn't see you at the table last night while we were dancing," Harry said to me suspiciously the next morning.
"Huh?"
"I didn't see you at the table last night while we were dancing," he repeated. Last night . . . the dance . . . Ginny in Harry's arms . . . I don't want to remember! The memory was enough to send another thorn through my heart.
"It's none of your business whether I have to go to the lavatory at the same time," I said, forcefully fighting back tears. Not only was I masochistic. Now my friends were also sadistic. A sob escaped my throat.
"You're going to start crying again," Harry said.
"No I'm not," I retorted, but my voice broke. The tears were yearning to get free.
"Tell me what's wrong, Hermione," he pleaded, looking straight into my eyes. I could almost imagine him behind the mask of the man I kissed last night.
"You want to know the truth?" I challenged. "Okay. Fine. I'm sick of it, Harry. I'm sick of watching you see right through me. I'm sick of just being a sidekick. I thought after six years, at least something must have happened. But I was wrong to hope."
"Hermione . . ." he tried to soothe me, but it was no use.
"I've gone through all these years hurting myself. I see you all googly-eyes with Cho at first, but since then, I knew you were going to fall apart. She was never meant for you. Then came Ginny. Now she seems like the perfect one. So, all right. I'm cool with it, it's fine. I've hurt myself, I've been a coward, I've been stupid. All because I love you. Are you happy now?"
"Hermione, you don't understand," Harry said. "I broke up with Ginny. The thing is . . . I love you."
What the hell?!
"What? This isn't suppose to happen! I mean—everything had been perfect. You two were going on so well. What happened?" I blubbered.
"The thing is," he began. "I've thought of Ginny for so long as the one person I'm going to marry. But when we were together . . . I felt . . . nothing . . . whereas I kept staring at you and I kept worrying about you . . . that's when I realized . . . I love you."
"This isn't supposed to happen!"
"Prove to me it isn't, Hermione. This is it. This is our destiny. Have you ever wondered who kissed you last night?" he asked.
"I—what? How did you know about that?"
He grabbed something from inside his robe and put it on.
It was the same masked man that had kissed me last night.
"Y-you?"
"Me."
The world stopped spinning. I was so confused. What was this?
I hadn't realized that his face was so close to mine.
"I've gone through a lot of people finding my true destiny. And now, I'm throwing away my cowardice. I love you, Hermione. All of this I went through just because I was looking for something that was already in front of me. All this because I love you."
And just like last night, he pressed his lips on mine. The warmth was back again.
And now, I'm sure it would not leave.
~fin~