DISCLAIMER: None of these characters belong to me, except for Hostiledude. They all belong to their owners (duh). I own all of the situations that they are put into in this fic and if anyone decides to steal it and post it as their work, they will sonn feel my Dark Scimitar stabbing through their back and out their heart. This work is pretty fucked up, so I can't be blamed for any permanent brain damage resulting from this. Anyone messing with this text will die a painful, painful death... remember that!!!
WARNING: This fic contains adult language, graphic violence, sexual content, and a few other minor things. If you love the characters in FF7 and would hate to see anything bad happen to them, I suggest you leave right now. If you hate Yuffie for some reason or another, I suggest you leave now.
NOTE: I am the great Supreme Imperial Kaiser Knight Templar Warrior Mage Exalted Overlord Hostiledude and all shall bow down before me or they will die... The MHC *will* rule the world and anyone who opposes is merely prolonging the inevitable...
NOTE2: Please send any comments, complaints, or hate mail to hostiledude666@hotmail.com
(Yes, hate mail is appreciated!) That will be all... Now to the story...
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
The FF7+ Trilogy: The Mind Warping Journey
[Cloud and Sephiroth were sitting on the couch, drinking beer, and watching Jay Leno.]
Cloud: Damn you! How dare you force me to watch late night talk shows!? Leno: [from inside the TV] Are you insulting my chin? Cloud: Braver!!!
[Cloud uses his weakling first level limit break to obliterate the TV.]
Sephiroth: Damn you! That was the third TV this week!!! Tifa: Well, you shouldn't subject him to such stupid content. Cid: Damn straight! We need to order the Playboy channel! Tifa: [hits Cid] Would you just shut up?!?!?!? Cid: [looking over some papers] Sorry, but that's not in my contract! Sephiroth: I need to kill somebody... Where's Aeris? Cloud: In the kitchen. Why? Sephiroth: You need not concern yourself.
[Sephiroth flies out of the room.]
Cloud: Wonder what he's about to do... Barret: You're a complete moron! He's gonna kill her, foo'!!!
[Suddenly everyone hears a woman's scream, and Cloud runs into the kitchen.]
Cloud: I thought we had an agreement that you wouldn't kill her! Sephiroth: Shut up, weakling! [punches Cloud so hard the he flies through the wall into the next room.] Cloud: [getting up] What the hell is this room???
[The room is filled with all sorts of materia, including all of the materia that Cloud thought he had hidden under his bed.]
Cloud: [thinking] This must be Yuffie's room... Cloud: Yuffie!!! Get over here!!! Yuffie: [in the distance] Be there in an hour!
[Cloud walked back into the kitchen to see that Sephiroth had already left, bringing Aeris' corpse with him so he could sell it to the museum as the "Last Remaining Ancient."]
Cloud: Oh well, now we need to get a new cook... Vincent: Don't worry. I already dealt with that. [Following in after Vincent was a really fat, weird looking, blue person who wielded forks as weapons.]
Quina: Me hungry! Bake food! Vincent: Yes, the Qu are quite exceptional in the culinary arts. Cloud: But don't they eat frogs? Quina: You insult Quina's frogs!? Vincent: No, it's just a human greeting! Right, Cloud? [glares at Cloud] Cloud: Whatever...
[Cloud decided that the Qu would be good for the job and walked back into the living room.]
Tifa: Sit down. Springer's starting! Sephiroth: With the money I got from Aeris' corpse, I bought this TV!
[The new television was massive! It occupied the entire wall.]
Cloud: Good Lord! How much money did you get from her corpse?! Sephiroth: 4,000,000 gil. Cloud: [pupils dialating] If I knew she was worth that much, I would have sold her corpse myself!!! Cid: Just sit down! You're blocking the %&$#@!( TV!!!
Barret: Ya know, we're sort of a disgruntled family! Maybe WE should go on Springer! Tifa: Actually that might not be such a bad idea! Cloud: Where is Yuffie, anyway? I think I need to have a talk with her... Sephiroth: [in the distance] She's with me! Just leave us alone!!! Cloud: I don't even want to know what's going on in there... Barret: Sit yo' ass down, foo'! We can't see the TV!!! Cloud: Fine. [sits down] Cid: [looking at the screen] 'My teacher slept with my dog?' Damn straight! These topics just keep getting better and better!!! ***
[Later that day, everyone else was huddled around the TV still, unable to stop watching the Jerry Springer marathon. Yuffie suddenly walked in, her hair all messed up, and her clothes looking like she put them on in a horrific hurry.]
Barret: Where you been, foo'? you'z missin' the Springer marathon! Yuffie: I was... uh... in my room.... umm... with Sephiroth...uh....yeah... Tifa: I can't hear over your talking, you stupid bimbo! Yuffie: [equips the Conformer] Oh yeah?! That sounds like a challenge!!! Tifa: [equips the Premium Heart] You bet it is!
[Before they could begin battling, though, Sephiroth flew in and cleaved Tifa in half, spraying blood and guts all over the floor. Then he flew over to Yuffie and put his arm around her waist.]
Yuffie: Sephy, I could have dealt with that weakling by myself! Sephiroth: I know... [kisses her] Cloud: [looking down at Tifa's remains with disgust] Hostiledude? Hostiledude: Yes? Cloud: You've probably noted that the storyline of your fic cannot progress without Tifa being among the living, so I must implore for the sakes of us all that... Hostiledude: [angrily] Okay I'll bring her back!!! Just stop trying to sound intelligent!!!
[Suddenly, Tifa's corpse and the TV disappear. In their places stand Tifa and Aeris.]
Aeris: I'm not in the Lifestream anymore? Cloud: Nah! I had Hostiledude bring you two back! Barret: I pity da' foo' who believes THAT!!! Cid: The bastard never wanted you back! He asked for Tifa! Hostiledude: Sorry about that... Aeris' revival was a bi-product... ***
[On the Springer set, Jerry was introducing the next guests.]
Springer: Today on 'People Who Kill And Reincarnate Each Other Regularly' we have Tifa, Aeris, Yuffie, Sephiroth, Cloud, Quina, Vincent, Barret, Cid, Marle, Lucca, Chrono, Ayla, Magus, Hostiledude, Evilguy, Helios, Garfield, A Sumo Wrestler, Cecil, Kain, Rosa, Rydia, and Edge.
[The crowd cheers Jerry as the people mentioned above take their seats.]
Springer: [standing in front of Cloud] Now, when did this strange behavior start? Cloud: When Sephiroth killed Aeris, so then I killed him! Springer: But how do you have the power of reincarnation!? Sumo: That bastard Hostiledude keeps bringing them back! Hostiledude: [zaps Sumo Wrestler to ashes] Just because I manipulate their lives to my purpose doesn't make me evil! Springer: So, you're not evil? Hostiledude: I'm pure evil! Just not for that reason...
[Jerry moves on to Garfield.]
Springer: Now, what are you doing here? Garfield: I was told that there was a banquet for those on the show. Springer: No, there's no banquet... Garfield: Then I'm leaving... [rides away on Odie] Springer: okay... Let's move on to over here... [walks over to Cecil] Springer: What's up with you guys? Cecil: FF Chronicles needed more advertisement, so we decided to get it the free way! Springer: That's not allowed on my show! Get them, bouncers!
[Five big, burly men run out and attack the FFIV characters.]
Edge: Too simple [kills one with a shuriken] Rydia: I'll handle this! [summons Bahamut and kills the rest of them] Edge: I have one thing to say... [kisses Rydia] Rydia: You pervert! [cuts off his head and throws it into the crowd] Crowd: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
[Jerry watches in fear as the four remaining characters leave the stage.]
Springer: Sorry about that... Don't worry, though, our police department will have them all killed within 24 hours! Crowd: Hentai! Hentai! Hentai!!!
[Bouncers are walking through the audience, giving them free hentai so they would not tell about what just happened.]
A/N: NOW IT'S TIME FOR SOME REAL BLOODSHED TO BEGIN!!!
Springer: [in front of the FFVII characters again] So, would anyone explain what the hell is going on?
Cloud: Gladly. It's all about the love triangles! Springer: Yes, please tell us about it. Cloud: Vincent and I like Tifa. Aeris likes me. Cid likes Aeris. Tifa likes ... I'm not sure. Sephiroth and Yuffie like each other. That should deal with it! Vincent: [bashes Cloud to the ground] I don't like anyone, fool! Cid: [stabs Cloud in the leg] I don't like Aeris; I only like her body!!! Cloud: Sorry I said anything... [dies from loss of blood]
[Hostiledude shifts uncomfortably in the place above his chair that he's floating in.]
Hostiledude: [vaporizes the audience] Those simpletons were annoying me.. Springer: You bastard! Without an audience, how will my show get good ratings? Hostiledude: [liquifies Jerry] Always wanted to do that. Aeris: Oh my God! You killed Jerry!!! Tifa: You bastard!!!
[The two women charge at Hostiledude, but he dodges both of their blows easily. Then he slashes out with his Demonic Axe and decapitates Aeris. Tifa tries to punch him in the face, but goes straight through him.]
Hostiledude: Foolish human!!! Now feel the wrath of an immortal!!!
[Dark Lightning falls from the sky and strikes Tifa 666 times, disintegrating her, the attack destroying the Chrono Trigger characters as well.]
Vincent: Oh my God! You killed Tifa!!! Cid: Oh my God! You destroyed Aeris' body!!! Both: You bastard!!!
[Hostiledude gets bored (I have better things to do, right?) and warps from the studio.]
Barret: Isn't this place rather eerily quiet? Cid: Now that you mention it, it is kind of quiet...
[Both of them turn around abruptly, hearing strange noises from the janitor closet.]
Barret: [spooked] Why don't you check it? Cid: Sure. Why the %^&* not? [starts walking over to the closet] Barret: [follows him] Don't leave me there alone, foo'! Cid: Yer' nothin' but a damn baby!
[Cid comes up to the closet and takes a look at what's happening through the window.]
Cid: Hey, Barret! Can you get us some popcorn? Barret: [looks in the window] Be right back! Vincent: [Walks up behind them and looks in] Cid: Hey, Vince! Forgot you were here.
[Inside the closet, Yuffie was stripping for Sephiroth.]
Barret: [comes back with popcorn] Did I miss anything? Cid: Nope! Came just in time!
=============================================================== And that's how the FFVII characters did on Springer! (Yes, they *did* end up watching Yuffie stripping in a closet... And yes, all the characters were revived by me... And yes, I did videotape Yuffie's little strip-tease dance and sell it on E-Bay. Yes, the names were kept the same, so as not to protect anyone... ===============================================================
The FF7+ Trilogy: The Mind Warping Journey
[Cloud and Sephiroth were sitting on the couch, drinking beer, and watching Jay Leno.]
Cloud: Damn you! How dare you force me to watch late night talk shows!? Leno: [from inside the TV] Are you insulting my chin? Cloud: Braver!!!
[Cloud uses his weakling first level limit break to obliterate the TV.]
Sephiroth: Damn you! That was the third TV this week!!! Tifa: Well, you shouldn't subject him to such stupid content. Cid: Damn straight! We need to order the Playboy channel! Tifa: [hits Cid] Would you just shut up?!?!?!? Cid: [looking over some papers] Sorry, but that's not in my contract! Sephiroth: I need to kill somebody... Where's Aeris? Cloud: In the kitchen. Why? Sephiroth: You need not concern yourself.
[Sephiroth flies out of the room.]
Cloud: Wonder what he's about to do... Barret: You're a complete moron! He's gonna kill her, foo'!!!
[Suddenly everyone hears a woman's scream, and Cloud runs into the kitchen.]
Cloud: I thought we had an agreement that you wouldn't kill her! Sephiroth: Shut up, weakling! [punches Cloud so hard the he flies through the wall into the next room.] Cloud: [getting up] What the hell is this room???
[The room is filled with all sorts of materia, including all of the materia that Cloud thought he had hidden under his bed.]
Cloud: [thinking] This must be Yuffie's room... Cloud: Yuffie!!! Get over here!!! Yuffie: [in the distance] Be there in an hour!
[Cloud walked back into the kitchen to see that Sephiroth had already left, bringing Aeris' corpse with him so he could sell it to the museum as the "Last Remaining Ancient."]
Cloud: Oh well, now we need to get a new cook... Vincent: Don't worry. I already dealt with that. [Following in after Vincent was a really fat, weird looking, blue person who wielded forks as weapons.]
Quina: Me hungry! Bake food! Vincent: Yes, the Qu are quite exceptional in the culinary arts. Cloud: But don't they eat frogs? Quina: You insult Quina's frogs!? Vincent: No, it's just a human greeting! Right, Cloud? [glares at Cloud] Cloud: Whatever...
[Cloud decided that the Qu would be good for the job and walked back into the living room.]
Tifa: Sit down. Springer's starting! Sephiroth: With the money I got from Aeris' corpse, I bought this TV!
[The new television was massive! It occupied the entire wall.]
Cloud: Good Lord! How much money did you get from her corpse?! Sephiroth: 4,000,000 gil. Cloud: [pupils dialating] If I knew she was worth that much, I would have sold her corpse myself!!! Cid: Just sit down! You're blocking the %&$#@!( TV!!!
Barret: Ya know, we're sort of a disgruntled family! Maybe WE should go on Springer! Tifa: Actually that might not be such a bad idea! Cloud: Where is Yuffie, anyway? I think I need to have a talk with her... Sephiroth: [in the distance] She's with me! Just leave us alone!!! Cloud: I don't even want to know what's going on in there... Barret: Sit yo' ass down, foo'! We can't see the TV!!! Cloud: Fine. [sits down] Cid: [looking at the screen] 'My teacher slept with my dog?' Damn straight! These topics just keep getting better and better!!! ***
[Later that day, everyone else was huddled around the TV still, unable to stop watching the Jerry Springer marathon. Yuffie suddenly walked in, her hair all messed up, and her clothes looking like she put them on in a horrific hurry.]
Barret: Where you been, foo'? you'z missin' the Springer marathon! Yuffie: I was... uh... in my room.... umm... with Sephiroth...uh....yeah... Tifa: I can't hear over your talking, you stupid bimbo! Yuffie: [equips the Conformer] Oh yeah?! That sounds like a challenge!!! Tifa: [equips the Premium Heart] You bet it is!
[Before they could begin battling, though, Sephiroth flew in and cleaved Tifa in half, spraying blood and guts all over the floor. Then he flew over to Yuffie and put his arm around her waist.]
Yuffie: Sephy, I could have dealt with that weakling by myself! Sephiroth: I know... [kisses her] Cloud: [looking down at Tifa's remains with disgust] Hostiledude? Hostiledude: Yes? Cloud: You've probably noted that the storyline of your fic cannot progress without Tifa being among the living, so I must implore for the sakes of us all that... Hostiledude: [angrily] Okay I'll bring her back!!! Just stop trying to sound intelligent!!!
[Suddenly, Tifa's corpse and the TV disappear. In their places stand Tifa and Aeris.]
Aeris: I'm not in the Lifestream anymore? Cloud: Nah! I had Hostiledude bring you two back! Barret: I pity da' foo' who believes THAT!!! Cid: The bastard never wanted you back! He asked for Tifa! Hostiledude: Sorry about that... Aeris' revival was a bi-product... ***
[On the Springer set, Jerry was introducing the next guests.]
Springer: Today on 'People Who Kill And Reincarnate Each Other Regularly' we have Tifa, Aeris, Yuffie, Sephiroth, Cloud, Quina, Vincent, Barret, Cid, Marle, Lucca, Chrono, Ayla, Magus, Hostiledude, Evilguy, Helios, Garfield, A Sumo Wrestler, Cecil, Kain, Rosa, Rydia, and Edge.
[The crowd cheers Jerry as the people mentioned above take their seats.]
Springer: [standing in front of Cloud] Now, when did this strange behavior start? Cloud: When Sephiroth killed Aeris, so then I killed him! Springer: But how do you have the power of reincarnation!? Sumo: That bastard Hostiledude keeps bringing them back! Hostiledude: [zaps Sumo Wrestler to ashes] Just because I manipulate their lives to my purpose doesn't make me evil! Springer: So, you're not evil? Hostiledude: I'm pure evil! Just not for that reason...
[Jerry moves on to Garfield.]
Springer: Now, what are you doing here? Garfield: I was told that there was a banquet for those on the show. Springer: No, there's no banquet... Garfield: Then I'm leaving... [rides away on Odie] Springer: okay... Let's move on to over here... [walks over to Cecil] Springer: What's up with you guys? Cecil: FF Chronicles needed more advertisement, so we decided to get it the free way! Springer: That's not allowed on my show! Get them, bouncers!
[Five big, burly men run out and attack the FFIV characters.]
Edge: Too simple [kills one with a shuriken] Rydia: I'll handle this! [summons Bahamut and kills the rest of them] Edge: I have one thing to say... [kisses Rydia] Rydia: You pervert! [cuts off his head and throws it into the crowd] Crowd: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
[Jerry watches in fear as the four remaining characters leave the stage.]
Springer: Sorry about that... Don't worry, though, our police department will have them all killed within 24 hours! Crowd: Hentai! Hentai! Hentai!!!
[Bouncers are walking through the audience, giving them free hentai so they would not tell about what just happened.]
A/N: NOW IT'S TIME FOR SOME REAL BLOODSHED TO BEGIN!!!
Springer: [in front of the FFVII characters again] So, would anyone explain what the hell is going on?
Cloud: Gladly. It's all about the love triangles! Springer: Yes, please tell us about it. Cloud: Vincent and I like Tifa. Aeris likes me. Cid likes Aeris. Tifa likes ... I'm not sure. Sephiroth and Yuffie like each other. That should deal with it! Vincent: [bashes Cloud to the ground] I don't like anyone, fool! Cid: [stabs Cloud in the leg] I don't like Aeris; I only like her body!!! Cloud: Sorry I said anything... [dies from loss of blood]
[Hostiledude shifts uncomfortably in the place above his chair that he's floating in.]
Hostiledude: [vaporizes the audience] Those simpletons were annoying me.. Springer: You bastard! Without an audience, how will my show get good ratings? Hostiledude: [liquifies Jerry] Always wanted to do that. Aeris: Oh my God! You killed Jerry!!! Tifa: You bastard!!!
[The two women charge at Hostiledude, but he dodges both of their blows easily. Then he slashes out with his Demonic Axe and decapitates Aeris. Tifa tries to punch him in the face, but goes straight through him.]
Hostiledude: Foolish human!!! Now feel the wrath of an immortal!!!
[Dark Lightning falls from the sky and strikes Tifa 666 times, disintegrating her, the attack destroying the Chrono Trigger characters as well.]
Vincent: Oh my God! You killed Tifa!!! Cid: Oh my God! You destroyed Aeris' body!!! Both: You bastard!!!
[Hostiledude gets bored (I have better things to do, right?) and warps from the studio.]
Barret: Isn't this place rather eerily quiet? Cid: Now that you mention it, it is kind of quiet...
[Both of them turn around abruptly, hearing strange noises from the janitor closet.]
Barret: [spooked] Why don't you check it? Cid: Sure. Why the %^&* not? [starts walking over to the closet] Barret: [follows him] Don't leave me there alone, foo'! Cid: Yer' nothin' but a damn baby!
[Cid comes up to the closet and takes a look at what's happening through the window.]
Cid: Hey, Barret! Can you get us some popcorn? Barret: [looks in the window] Be right back! Vincent: [Walks up behind them and looks in] Cid: Hey, Vince! Forgot you were here.
[Inside the closet, Yuffie was stripping for Sephiroth.]
Barret: [comes back with popcorn] Did I miss anything? Cid: Nope! Came just in time!
=============================================================== And that's how the FFVII characters did on Springer! (Yes, they *did* end up watching Yuffie stripping in a closet... And yes, all the characters were revived by me... And yes, I did videotape Yuffie's little strip-tease dance and sell it on E-Bay. Yes, the names were kept the same, so as not to protect anyone... ===============================================================