The Mysterious Mystery Girl
A/N
This is a parody of all the bad HTTYD fanfics I've encountered. It's a quickie I pounded out in an hour while taking a break from more serious stories. I was tempted to include all the spelling and grammar errors that make these stories so painful to read, but that would be overkill. Let me know if I forgot any of the usual cliches.
SUMMARY: a mysterious girl falls from the sky over Berk with a deep, dark secret that could destroy their world. I stink at writing summaries. My first fanfic. Please review. No flames.
One day, a mysterious girl fell from the skies over Berk. Hiccup and Toothless just happened to be flying in that part of the sky at that moment, so they flew under her and caught her before she plunged to an early grave.
"Hiccup! You saved me!" she exclaimed excitedly, and gave him a warm hug that he could not resist.
"Have we met?" he asked confusedly.
"I saw you in the movie, and I love you, and you're my favorite character!" she exclaimed excitedly again. "Except for Toothless, of course. He's just the cutest thing! But be careful. I have a deep, dark secret that could destroy your world."
"Yes," he agreed. "The last mysterious girl who fell from the sky with a deep, dark secret almost destroyed our world, but Toothless and I were able to improvise a solution with her help. We might have lived happily ever after, but she got tired of writing and never finished the fanfic. But you... you are so different! You make me want to forget all about my life-long obsession with Astrid and pursue you instead, even though you're a total stranger! Just like the last mysterious girl who fell from the sky! What do you think of her, Toothless?"
The black dragon, who would be the only one of his kind until the mysterious girl inevitably found another one, sniffed and snorted. He was usually very picky about who got close to Hiccup, but he was so entranced with her flowing golden tresses and her innocent azure orbs that he fell in love with her too. They went for a romantic flight. It was very romantic.
In the meantime, Snotlout boasted about himself, Ruffnut and Tuffnut got in a fight, and Fishlegs quoted some useless facts about dragons. Okay, that's enough about them.
Back on the ground, Astrid was very suspicious of the mysterious girl. "What's your name?" she demanded suspiciously.
"Sodium Laureth Sulfate," she answered. "But you can call me Laureth because you're my friends."
"I'm not your friend," Astrid growled angrily. "One of these days, one of you mysterious girls who fall from the sky with deep, dark secrets is actually going to destroy our world, and that will make me even madder than I usually am in these fanfics."
"Oh, don't be mad at me," Laureth sobbed. "I like you too, and your dragon, Blue-Spiky-Thing."
"Huh?" said Astrid. "My dragon's name is Stormfly."
"I know that now," said Laureth. "But before 'Gift of the Night Fury' came out, people were making up more weird names for your dragon than all the other dragons put together. I didn't want to be left out."
Just then, Stoick the Vast burst in. "I have bad news," he said. "Alvin and the Chipmunks – I mean the Outcasts are going to attack Berk. They want to kidnap Hiccup so he'll teach them to ride dragons, even though they hate dragons." Having made his token appearance, he vanished for the rest of the adventure.
"Oh, those unspeakable fiends!" Laureth exclaimed, stamping her little foot. "Hiccup, I won't let them hurt you!" But she failed, and they took him away, and he got hurt in the process. (The process is a small organ between the liver and the small intestine.)
"Oh, now what am I going to do?" she sobbed. "I'm lost and alone in the forest, those evil Outcasts are doing things to my Hiccup that I can't mention in a K+ story, I can't find him to do the hurt/comfort thing, and I still haven't gotten to the part about my deep, dark secret that could destroy their world."
Then she heard a sad sound. It was a Night Fury, only it was white, and it was a girl (the long eyelashes gave it away). It had a near-fatal case of the jumping cold robbies, and was in terrible pain. But fortunately for the dragon, Laureth had many talents. In addition to being a web-site designer, Nobel Prize-winning biochemist, Olympic gymnast, vampire hunter, women's-rights historian, cheerleader, and world-class fingernail artist, she also knew everything about herbs, some of which just happened to be growing at the foot of a nearby tree. She did some herbal things with them and healed the Light Fury, which automatically fell in love with her out of gratitude. She named it Ampersand because it sounded pretty.
She got on her dragon's back, learned to fly in a matter of minutes, and rescued Hiccup, who got on Toothless (how did he get there?), and together, they thwarted Alvin's evil plot. It was very exciting and dramatic, especially the part where she fell off her dragon and Hiccup caught her in mid-air with his not-so-big, not-so-beefy arms.
Afterward, she stood with Hiccup, Astrid, and the others, who might as well be nameless extras in this story. "I've loved having this amazing adventure with you on Berk. But my time here is done and I have to go home."
"Wait!" Hiccup cried. "You can't leave me like this! Not without telling me about your deep, dark secret that could destroy our world!"
"All right, I'll tell you," she said, as the tears began to flow. "The truth is... sob... I come from Boston, Massachusetts... sniff... but I root for the... sniffle... the... the... the NEW YORK YANKEES!" She broke down in hysterical tears. Hiccup rushed to comfort her.
Astrid glared at her angrily, as usual. "That's your deep dark secret?"
Laureth wiped her lovely eyes dry. "In Boston, that's a hanging offense. Well, anyway, I have to mysteriously disappear, but I'll never forget you." Then she and Ampersand mysteriously disappeared, leaving only the echo of her delightful voice on the evening breeze.
Toothless snorted. Hiccup nodded and stroked his dragon's head. "Yeah, me too, bud. I thought she'd never go."
Astrid walked up to him and hit him in the arm. "That's for acting OOC!"
Gobber stuck his head out the door of the smithy. "Is it safe for the rest of us to come out?"
"For now," Hiccup answered. "We'll probably get another one tomorrow. Fishlegs, break it down."
Fishlegs consulted his notebook. "The Viking bookies are giving 2:1 odds that the next mysterious girl will fall from the sky again. It's 3:1 that she'll be found in the forest, 5:1 that she'll watch the DVD and get pulled into her TV set, 6:1 that she'll wash up on the beach, and 17:1 that it will be a boy this time."
"Yeah, like that ever happens," Ruffnut complained, rolling her eyes. Her brother pushed her for no reason, and they got into another senseless fight.
"Well, things are back to normal here," Hiccup sighed. Then he grinned wickedly. "Hey, Astrid? Me and Toothless are going flying. Do you want to race me on Blue-Spiky-Thing?"
THE END
(you hope!)