Grey

Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama. Sorachi Hideaki does.
Also, the lyrics used in this fic are from the song 'Read All About It' by Emeli Sandé. I had been listening to the version from the London 2012 Olympics Closing Ceremony CD when I was writing this – so if you wanted something to listen to whilst reading this, I would recommend that ^^;

Author's Note: It's been a while since I've written any fanfiction - and many years since my last Gintama one. I've had a really bad bout of writer's block. Hopefully, this will help to remedy things (it's funny what can get you motivated – like being cooped up in the house ill for a week with nothing to do). The last time I wrote a Gintama fic was way back in 2008, but I was re-watching some of the episodes and – coupled with a song that currently will not leave my head – I was inspired to return to this fandom. I hope you all like it – please don't forget to leave a review. Thank you :3

'You've got the words to change a nation
But you're biting your tongue
You've spent a lifetime stuck in silence
Afraid you'll say something wrong'

The dreary grey skies were refusing to clear – rain still pouring down from emotionless black clouds.
It was almost as if Mother Nature herself was in mourning. The gloomy, almost desolate atmosphere had not parted. Not since that night. And perhaps, in another place and time, Kondo Isao would have probably snorted and smirked a little at the irony of his thoughts.
But not today.
Not even last week.

The Shinsengumi Commander recalled the previous week's painful scene in his head: Most of the recruits had left the grounds after the first hour, the remaining few were soon after quietly ushered away and back to the Shinsengumi barracks by their respective Division Captains. Kondo had stayed on the scene with Okita Sougo until the young Captain had quietly thanked him for staying by his side and suggested, in an almost emotionless tone, that they should return home.

Even back at the barracks, the atmosphere was still unnaturally tense, to say the least: Some of the newer members were still too afraid to approach their superiors for fear of being snapped at, beaten, or forced to commit seppuku. Okita Sougo had confined himself back to his quarters, refusing to communicate with anyone (and nobody wanted to try their luck trying to coax the sadistic Captain out from his room). The moods of the other Division Captains had remained a solemn one – their moods reflected upon their subordinates. Not even Yamazaki Sagaru had been seen – or heard – running through the Shinsengumi grounds, energetically playing his favourite sport of badminton. Kondo wasn't sure how long it would take for the emotional damage to even start to repair itself. The emotional switch at the barracks was almost suffocating – and to him of all people! The Shinsengumi Commander! He was supposed to guide the others, to help them through the dark times. But he just didn't know how to even start going about things. And as much as he did not want to admit it, the strategic smarts of the Shinsengumi was not always his forte.

And that's why he had come back here – to almost the same spot he had been a week ago, standing under the branches of the large cherry blossom tree atop the solitary hill that overlooked the hustle and bustle of the busy Edo streets. The rain had soaked the fragile flowers that had bloomed from the branches, causing them to cling helplessly to each other. To Kondo, it seemed almost depressing to see something so beautiful in such a hapless state. But he was not here for sight-seeing.

Up ahead stood a solitary figure. One which he had not seen since that horrible night, a week and a half ago. Kondo was not even aware at what point said person had left the hospital. Or where he had been since. He had not even been present at the service three days ago. The Shinsengumi Commander was unsure if he should be furious or concerned about that. Instead, he chose to observe silently from his position, barely sheltered under the waterlogged blossom tree. After all, it was only coincidental that he found himself here at the same time as the other. Part of him was not sure how to approach the situation and was still pondering upon that when he heard the other speak.

"I wonder if you would be angry at me for not turning up the other day."

Kondo's breath caught a little in his throat, wondering if he had been found out. However, the other still stood with his back towards him, seemingly uncaring at how the heavily falling rain was soaking his clothes through, how it was plastering his usually tousled hair to his head. There was no way that he could have seen him, was there?

"I guess I just didn't want to cause any problems by showing my face. I'm not sure how Sougo would have reacted. I'm sure he still holds me partially responsible for how things turned out," a small, almost hoarse chuckle escaped his mouth. "He's always been out to get me, you know?"

The Shinsengumi Commander kept his silent vigil, unsure if he should interrupt and not quite sure if he should be listening in on what was being said. Part of him was still not accustomed to the quietness of the other's voice – devoid of any of its usual emotions.

The man before him let out a weary sigh, setting himself unsteadily onto the wet ground, placing the crutch that the hospital had given him on the grass next to him before stretching out his right leg, making a small sound of discomfort as the movement jostled the wound. He sighed again. "I wonder what you would have said if you saw me like this now. Though I guess this wouldn't have been a first for you, right?"

Kondo closed his eyes for a moment, leaning back against the cherry blossom tree, also sinking to the ground. He knew what the other meant. Only a little too well. These recent events had brought back so many bittersweet memories.
The Shinsengumi Commander rubbed a tired hand over his face, feeling his heart start to ache. "Toshi…"

'You've got a heart a loud as lions
So why let your voice be tamed?
Baby we're a little different
There's no need to be ashamed'

The rain wouldn't stop pouring from the heavens.
Wet, dark hair clung to his face, starting to obscure his view.
Frowning, Hijikata Toshiro pushed dripping strands of hair out of his eyes with his good arm, staring almost numbly in front of him.

"So, this is it, isn't it?" his authorative voice was hoarser than usual, and unnaturally subdued, almost drowned out by the sound of the rain. His shoulders and back were slouched in defeat as deep blue eyes never wavered from their subject. "I never thought that I would see the day when something like this would have happened. And to you of all people," the corner of his mouth twitched slightly in a brief, sarcastic smirk – a flicker of the Demonic Vice Commander coming back to his features before it was gone again. "How cruel that someone such as you could be taken away like this, leaving behind horrible and tarnished creatures such as myself," his right hand shifted towards his pocket, fingers closing around the damp box of cigarettes before he hesitated and chose to withdraw his hand, empty. "Sorry. Bad habit. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want me lighting up here in front of you."

'You've got the light to fight the shadows
So stop hiding it away
Come on, come on'

It felt so odd to hear an apology come from Hijikata Toshiro.
Kondo Isao bit his lip from his hiding spot. At first, he had been angry – where had Toshi been hiding all this time? The Commander was very sure that his second in command had not returned to the barracks since that night. The proof was evident by the torn and tattered Shinsengumi uniform that the dark haired man was still wearing. At least the blood stains seemed to have been washed clean from his clothes.
The anger had soon been extinguished and replaced with worry. After all, Kondo knew how Toshi worked. They had known each other long enough to be able to read each other's actions and behaviour. That's why – coupled with Sougo - they made such a good team. It would take an awful lot to make the Vice Commander firstly act alone and without the backup of his comrades, and secondly to go missing shortly after. Kondo knew that Toshi was going to be upset – shaken up even (the Demonic Vice Commander of the Shinsengumi shaken up? There was a first!) – but he did not expect such a strong reaction as this.
Well, maybe a little…
Hesitantly, Kondo started to stand, stretching and kneading out the knotted muscles in his shoulders.
He knew what he needed to do.

At night we're waking up the neighbours
While we sing away the blues
Making sure that we remember, yeah
Cause we all matter too'

"Now that I think about it, I know that I was horribly selfish about things. About us," Hijikata leaned back slightly, supporting himself with his good arm as he looked up at the sky, blinking a little as a few raindrops made contact with his eyes. "I wanted to protect you. But I wasn't really sure how to go about it. I thought that the best way was to just let you get on with your life, hoping that you would eventually forget about me..." he paused to take a deep breath. There was an annoying lump in his throat. Growling a little under his breath, he tried to shake the horrible feeling, swallowing a couple of times. "I think the truth is, I was too afraid to tell you how I really felt about you. How I felt about us."
Closing his eyes, the first thing that he saw was nothing more than a painful memory.

The request had been so simple. A request to accompany them.
And yet, he knew that it also meant so much more than that.
"I want to be… with everyone…"
Silence.
"I want to be by your side."
His mind had not been too sure how to react to such a statement. Choosing instead to ignore it at first. What would the others have said? What would Kondo-san have said?
Why did he not know?
His heart already knew what the answer was – however, the rest of him was more than aware of the implications that might have occurred if he always blindly listened to his heart. He knew that where he and the others were going was dangerous. That it would also be dangerous to anybody else that would follow them.
He could not take that risk.
"I don't care."
It took everything in his power to make his voice sound convincing enough as he started to walk away, willing every muscle in his body to not look back over his shoulder. A gentle Autumn night's breeze ran through his hair, his ponytail swaying slightly with each step he took. He knew that he was being harsh with his words – with his answer – but he knew that this would be for the best… Wouldn't it?
"What happens to you is none of my concern."

'I wanna sing, I wanna shout
I wanna scream till the words dry out'

Hindsight was a bitch.
Hijikata understood that now.
Part of him wished that he could stumble upon a time machine and go back into the past. Maybe change the way that he was when he was younger. Change what had been said.
But it would not have made a difference, would it?
Things would still have ended up the way that they did.
Fate was cruel.
And that lump in his throat was still refusing to disappear.
"I wish I could have apologised for the way that I spoke to you," his eyes, now open again, returned to their original view ahead of him. "I guess we didn't really get much of a chance to talk since then, did we?" Old habits died hard and the dark haired Vice Commander hunched forwards, reaching for that damp packet of cigarettes in his trouser pocket, pulling out a stick and placing it between his lips, choosing not to light it just yet. "I was such a little shit in my earlier years. I'm not even quite sure why Kondo-san took it upon himself to save me and take me in under his wing. I guess not much has changed since then either. I was still afraid to face you. To tell you how I feel," he let out a half-hearted chuckle. "It's kind of ironic that when I finally grow the balls to do so, it's too late," another small snort. Maybe he was going crazy. "I guess it wouldn't have changed anything anyway. It would have still been too late," the muscles under his bandaged left arm painfully protested as he brought his hand up to rest upon the hilt of his sheathed katana. "Besides, it wouldn't have been right. For a killer like me to have such feelings for somebody like you."
The almost alien feeling in his throat was spreading downwards, causing his chest to tighten up, almost as if somebody had opened up his ribcage and clamped a vice around his heart, constricting it. Choking him. Making it harder for him to breathe.
"I… I wanted you to be happy…" Hijikata gritted his teeth around the unlit cigarette in his mouth, inwardly scolding himself when he heard his voice crack slightly. Swallowing hard, he took a deep breath, continuing. "I wanted you to have a family. Have children. And to live a normal life. One that you wouldn't have had if you had stayed with me. With the rest of us. That's all I wanted."

The rain was still pouring down, and Hijikata could have sworn that it was starting to feel warm as it ran down his face. A fog seemed to have started to set in too, clouding his vision, making everything seem hazy and unfocused. His hands tightened into fists, right hand balling against the soft, wet blades of grass beneath him.
"I wish… I wish I could have seen your face one last time… Seen that gentle smile of yours." the abnormally warm rain was coming down harder now, drops forming along his clenched jawline, dropping off and soaking into his torn uniform and onto the grass around him. "I wish I could have told you. Everything…"

'There's no need to be afraid
I will sing with you my friend'

Kondo Isao was a big guy. A big guy with a big heart.
And said large organ – usually reserved for his beloved Otae-san – felt like it was going to cease and shatter into a million pieces when he heard Toshi's heart-wrenching, tear-choked words. He had never seen or heard his second in command so pitiful.
So broken.
Without really thinking about it, the Shinsengumi Commander straightened his posture and made his way towards his comrade.
No.
Not just a comrade.
His friend.
His brother.
Kondo's large hand reached out with surprising gentleness, resting comfortingly upon Toshi's shoulder, making the younger man flinch. Deep blue eyes, clouded with tears cast themselves up at him and for a moment, Kondo couldn't see the demonic Vice Commander – all he could see was the young, boyish face of the stray that he had picked up and rescued from death all those years ago.
"Toshi…"
The Commander's voice was a low, gentle rumble as he knelt down, wrapping his arms around shaking shoulders as he pulled the other against himself, feeling his own uniform become warm with tears as he let his second in command succumb to the feelings that he had kept trapped inside of himself all of these years.

"I loved her…"

The words were small. Pitiful. Wracked with sobs. Filled with emotions that Kondo would have otherwise not have associated with Hijikata Toshiro.
The larger man tightened his embrace around the smaller, one hand sliding up to the back of his head, stroking the tousled dark hair soothingly, listening to his soft cries of anguish.
"I know, Toshi. I know."

'Yeah, we're all wonderful, wonderful people
So when did we all get so fearful?
And now we're finally finding our voices
So take a chance, come help me sing this'

Sat on the bench in the graveyard, Okita Sougo's deep reddish-brown eyes silently observed the scene that unfolded not too far away from him.
Part of him found it ironic that today was the first day that he had left his quarters at the barracks with plans to go and visit his beloved sister – and that it just so happened to be the day that Hijikata and Kondo-san had also decided to show up in the same place.
The Shinsengumi Captain let out a small sigh as he glanced between his rocket launcher and the bunch of flowers that he had brought with him, deciding that maybe, just for today, he would make an exception and spare Hijikata's life.
With a sigh, Okita pulled out his eye mask, reclining on the bench, uncaring about the weather. He would give Hijikata and Kondo-san a little more time before he would take his turn to visit his sister's grave.

'I wanna sing, I wanna shout
I wanna scream till the words dry out
So put it in all of the papers,
I'm not afraid
They can read all about it
Read all about it, oh'

A/N #2: Thank you so much for reading this. If I've managed to pull any heart strings with this, please do leave me a review. Even if it didn't, I would still appreciate any feedback (though no flamers please). And maybe, I might even start writing more fics again soon. Reviews, after all, make the world go around ^_^;