I need you to need me

by Svart-Natt

He doesn't ask her if she's ok. Won't. This is what she wanted. Him uncaring to her but it doesn't matter how they do this. He can't be uncaring to her and she can't not feel. AU angsty oneshot (LP of course)

A/N So this has been lurking on my computer for a while. Just a short angsty LP one shot...not much more to say!

'Lucas' She sighs, she doesn't need to look at him to know it's him. 'I really don't feel like arguing right now' She came up here to escape. He use to be an ally in all her getaways. Not anymore. Fleeing from him has become her favourite pass time.

He takes note of her belongings that are strewn around the guest room. The scent of her perfume lingers in the air. It smells like their bedroom. It smells like home. It's not home though. He's surprised she's come. He knows she doesn't want to be here.

She's taking her earrings out and he can't bear it. Can't bear the way she hasn't even bothered to glance in his direction.

His lack of response garners her attention and he wins her exasperated stare.

'I'm tired' She expels. It's his dismissal but he's not leaving. He's done. Done giving into her.

'Yeah? Me too' He closes the door and marches toward her. 'Tired of this shit'

She gasps as his coarse hand encloses around her skinny forearm and jerks her round.

'What're you doing?' She bleats as her back comes into contact with his chest. She's use to his calm nature, his irritatingly soothing words, his desire to please her.

'I need you' His voice is husked in her ear and she recognises his tone, knows exactly how he needs her and her feet have her making a bid to escape. 'No you don't' His free hand locks tight on her hip, keeping her in close proximity.

'Stop it Lucas' She hisses. Her heart is racing, a heat rising in her cheeks.

It's been a long time. A long time since his hands were on her like this.

'No, I've done everything you fucking want for the last six months, it's your turn to do as I say'

She snorts because she can reel off an endless list of requests he's failed to meet and she doesn't even know where to start.

'Do you know what it's like for me?' He doesn't give her the opportunity to argue. She catches sight of him in the mirror on the wall, takes note of the way he's swaying her; even when he's trying to be authoritative there's still an element of tenderness. She gets lost in the reflection, lost in the thought that they still look nice together, still fit together, despite the mutated jigsaw pieces they've become. 'Having to sit through a whole fucking evening of you flirting'

'I was not flirting' She's snapped from her silent wonderings because she won't have him make such ridiculous accusations when they hold zero truth. She attempts to break free again but his hold only tightens. 'A man and woman talking does not equate to flirting'

'You have no need to be talking to that jackass-'

'Aren't we a little old for you and Nate to be hung up on shit that happened in high school? Chris has changed'

'Really, who turns up to a party they weren't invited to? I mean clearly he's been stalking Hales on facebook'

'Who cares. Do you really think Haley would be tempted to run off with him?!' She indignantly responds.

'I'm not concerned about Hales! It's you that's been with him all night!'

'Wife should stay in kitchen. Wife should tend to children. God forbid wife converse with other adult'

Despite his irritation he smiles into her neck at her deep, mimicking voice.

'Wife should only flutter her eyelashes at her husband' He drawls.

'I wasn't fucking fluttering my eyelashes at anyone'

'No?' His hands have smoothed down to her thighs now and he eases the fabric of her dress up and watches her in the mirror.

'No' Her hands cover his in a weak attempt to stop what he's doing. 'Get your fucking hands off me and go back to your stupid poker game' Up until a few hours ago he probably would've done as he was told. But he's been watching her and he's pissed and jealous and this dress she's wearing has been making his dick twitch all evening.

'I already lost $200. I think I'd rather stay right here thanks'

'I don't care what you want'

'Oh I know, you've made that abundantly clear sweetheart' He swallows because he's hiked the restrictive fabric up past her thighs now and the familiar jade coloured panties that greet him are a welcome treat. He's got visions of her lying in said panties and nothing else, she's laying on her front and smiling at him coyly over her shoulder. A memory. A time he'd die to go back to. 'But not everything revolves around you and your fucking pain'

He's struck a cord and she shimmies her hips as her hands work on tugging her dress back into place. 'Get off' Her demand is lilted with anger now and he's treading a dangerous path, he knows it. 'I mean it Luke. That's enough'

'You told Haley you've been thinking about divorce' If she wants raw, ferrel anger he can do that too.

She doesn't respond verbally. Her limbs lurch, a groan of frustration passing her lips when she fails to escape. He doesn't know why she's trying. They both know she's not got a chance in hell.

He effortlessly hauls her back until he has the wall as a partner in this twisted game, trapping her between himself and the hard surface.

She's panting as her back hits the wall and the framed photo of their niece and nephew that's hanging just above the drawers shudders.

'Where, where did you tell everyone you were going?' She's trying to change the subject, trying to steer his line of thought onto a safer topic, but he's familiar with her deflecting techniques.'Do they know you're up here with me?-'

'Who the fuck cares?'

'I care' Her words are a shrieked whisper. 'It's Haley's god damn birthday Luke. We're in their house, can we try not to ruin a gathering just this fucking once!' It plays on her mind. They're a train wreck and she's more than aware that they've caused havoc at any social event they've turned up at in the last few months. It can't be helped. She hasn't let him be alone with her since the day she demanded he move out, of course that meant he'd corner her at any given opportunity.

Unlike her though, he doesn't give a shit about the group of people downstairs that will have undoubtably noticed they're both missing. 'We're. Not. Getting. A. Divorce. Peyton'

A crease forms on her forehead as she frowns. 'Can we please not talk about this right now?' She wishes her back was still to his chest because his blue eyes are kryptonite to her fierce stubbornness and he knows it.

'When?! You won't talk to me! I want to talk about it right now'

'Well I don't'

'Well you can listen then sweetheart' She closes her eyes as his nose brushes against hers, his breath mingling with hers. He's had a whiskey. She can smell it on his breath. 'When we said our vows you agreed to forever. In sickness and in health. Better or worse' He reminds her, his voice scarily low. 'You don't get to bail on us'

'I'm not bailing' She whispers. 'It's broken Luke. You can't fix what's broke'

'We are broken' He agrees. 'But you know what fixes that. Our marriage. Our love for each other. If you'll just let it! You're not the only one hurting. I didn't sign up for this. Neither of us did. But you know what fucking sucks? That I've lost you too' He knows when she opens her eyes they're going to be glassy but he's done avoiding this. He's let her do this her way but her way isn't working. 'I'm not just going to stand by and not do anything anymore'

Her lashes snap open then and the tears he predicted race free. 'And what's your grand fucking plan?' She wonders. She despises the way his fingertips attentively brush her tears away. 'You think fucking me is going to help? So you can kid yourself that you're a man? Is that your big plan? Come to claim your wife? Come to make sure she still knows that she's yours?' Now she's just being mean. 'Go ahead, do what you want. I can't feel anything'

He doesn't know if she's trying to provoke him but it works. His hand is between them in all of a second, touching her where he hasn't in months. 'Can't feel anything?' He sniggers.

Neither of them had wanted this from each other. Not to begin with. But there'd been a point where he would've happily sought solace in this. In being between her legs. In loosing himself in her. In escaping the morbid grief that had consumed their lives. He wasn't stupid though, he knew she didn't share the same view. Knew she didn't crave his touch. His touch was merely a reminder of the last time they'd been wrapped up in each other's arms. Everything had been perfect then. Breathy I love you's had been exchanged. She doesn't want the euphoria that he can bring. He thinks she blames him. She's never said that but that's what it feels like. He's spent months trying to figure out how to bring her back to him but she just keeps building her wall higher and higher.

'I'll make you feel something' He grunts.

She closes her eyes. Doesn't make a sound. If he wants this that's fine but she's determined not to participate. She's wrong in thinking her body will support her in her mission.

'Open your fucking eyes' Not that he'll allow it either. His growl irritates her.

She glares at him. 'Just get the fuck on with it'

He grits his teeth. 'You think you can just stand here and let me fuck you without having an ounce of feeling?'

'I've done it before' she's trying her hardest to piss him off and it's working.

His smile isn't one of amusement. A year ago he'd have known her comment to be the furthest thing from the truth but now everything is different. Her words rile him because he's spent months trying to be what she needs, trying to keep her afloat but nothing that he does seems to help. He's spent the evening watching her speak to another man with a smile on her face that has had him wondering if he really is on the brink of loosing her. A thought that's unbearable. He's not about to give up on her but the notion that her feelings could have changed toward him is like some one has his heart in a closed fist.

'Do you think being a bitch is going to get rid of me?' His hand disappears from between them so he can thrust his lower half hard against her, his fingers ensnaring her arms once more to jar her against he wall. She grimaces at his roughness but it's all welcome, a welcome reprieve to his usual sweetness. She craves his anger. God knows she's angry. Angry at the whole world.

He looks like a raging bull, his forehead creased in distress. And despite her indifference she can't ignore the sadness in his blue eyes.

'It's not our fault Luke' She whispers. 'Do you know how many couples split up after going through what we have?'

'Stop it' He's panting. 'We're not a fucking statistic, we're not fucking splitting up' He presses his forehead to hers. 'You don't get to decide that'

'We're already separated. You've been living at your Mum's for the last three months-'

'Because you wanted me to! Not because I wanted to' He growls.

'It wasn't good for Sawyer seeing us argue all the time' Her voice is the opposite to his. It's calm and quiet and he hates it.

'Right cause we can't have her seeing her parents showing any fucking emotion can we?! Pretending like you're fine for her isn't fucking fine! It's okay for her to see you fucking cry'

She's closed her eyes again and his fingers squeeze at her arms in frustration.

'Baby' He tries his hand at pleading. 'Please. Come back to me. Stop blocking me out. I'm right here' He starts to leave open mouthed kisses down her jaw line, his hands finally releasing her arms in favour of letting them familiarise themselves with her body.

She remains unmoving.

Something he's painfully aware of but he perseveres nonetheless, hopeful that he'll break her.

She's always been skinny but her collar bone is more pronounced than it's ever been and he almost looses himself to the lump that forms in the back of his throat because he knows she's been neglecting herself and it kills him.

And any anger he had dissolves. He doesn't want this to be what she so clearly wants. He doesn't want to fuck her up against the wall. He wants to worship her.

He slowly sinks down to the ground, his mouth tenderly following the path of his hands as they mould their way down her slender form.

Still she doesn't move. It's only when he's kneeled before her and he's no longer blocking out the light that her eyes flutter open to investigate where he's gone.

'What're you...No. Don't do that' She tries to break free when she realises his intentions. 'I don't want that. Just fucking fuck me if you want me so badly'

His hands clamp down on her hips, holding her prisoner to the wall. 'Just stay fucking still' He orders.

'I'm warning you Lucas. Stop' She hisses.

'You stop' He retorts, his fingers foresee her legs jutting out at any given moment to knee him in the face and forgo holding her hips, fingers instead encasing her long legs for a moment. 'Just stop fucking fighting me'

'I don't want that' She grinds.

'I thought you didn't care what I did?'

'You're a bastard'

'Yes. That is a well known fact. But you've never had a problem with my parentage before' He quips and he knows when she rolls her eyes to his remark that he's slowly wearing her down.

He kisses the spot above her right knee.

'Luke' She whines.

'Mm' He smiles into her leg, his hands have loosened their grip and begin to glide up the smooth limbs. He's not had the privilege of touching them like this in forever. It's been torture. He's found himself openly ogling her pins on more than one occasion, something that hasn't gone unnoticed by their friends but he's sure she's blind to his gawping. That or she's doing a grand job of acting indifferent.

'Enough, come up here'

'No thank you' He bows his head and presses his lips to her lower abdomen and despite the fabric of her dress concealing her she still shudders. He sees. He feels it. He smirks. 'You think you can fight it but you can't baby' His fingers are beneath her dress now and she clenches her thighs together in an effort to stop him from tugging her underwear down.

He shimmies forward. His knees wedging in between her feet easily.

'These are my favourite' He hums as his fingers blindly hook her panties and begin to drag the silky fabric down. 'But then you already know that. Did you want this to happen when you were getting dressed hm?'

'Yes, when I'm scurrying to get ready with a five year old lingering in the background my first thought is always what underwear would Lucas want me in because you never know he might hold me hostage in my brother and sister in law's guest room' She rants sarcastically.

He has said underwear around her ankles now and gently lifts one of her heeled feet off the floor to free her leg. 'Holding you hostage' He echoes with a throaty chortle. 'I wouldn't call it that sweetheart'

'What would you call it then sweetheart?' She replies in a sickly sweet voice.

'You were already up here. I just came to take care of my wife'

'Well she's telling you fucking no'

'She doesn't know what she wants'

'Isn't that what rapists say?'

He looks up at her then. 'Don't joke about rape'

'Who says I'm joking? I'm saying no and you're not listening'

'I'm allowed to fuck you but I can't go down on you?' He deciphers.

'Yes' She thinks her words are successful in guilting him out of this.

'Fuck that. You're telling me you're not wet for me right now?' He presses his nose to her, can literally feel her heat through the satin fabric of her dress.

Her mouth opens. Her hands flail. Want to get tangled in his hair but she's refusing to let them go there.

His hand is back beneath her dress and seeks out an answer to his question, his smile widening at his findings.

'Just admit it. You want me' He urges as he removes his fingers and slowly draws them into his mouth. The action makes her want to clench her thighs together, anything to give her momentary relief to the aching desire that's thrumming through her. But it's not welcome. None of it is. And she's pissed.

'Who says that's for you?'

Her taunt wipes his smirk from his face. 'Don't joke about that shit'

'Again, who says I'm joking?'

He grits his teeth. His anger is back. She delights in the way his eyes darken a few shades.

He looks up at her intensely for a silent moment and she smiles that god awful smile that she's given him a lot lately. And he hates it. It's the smile she gives someone she hasn't got the time of day for. He was never meant to be on the receiving end of that smile.

Her heart starts to race as he finally moves because she knows she's succeeded. Knows he's not going to continue with what he'd had in mind. She's pushed him over the edge.

She presses herself back into the wall as he rises to his feet. There's a brief moment when she knows she could flee. Could return downstairs to their friends. But her feet don't move. She doesn't want to go downstairs.

'Don't say that'

She's stunned by his distress because neither of them were the jealous type. And she realises then that he perhaps really does think she has a thing for the musician downstairs and she doesn't. She really doesn't. She knows the game she's playing is sick. Is semi aware that her desire to make him angry isn't healthy. But she wants his anger. She's sick of his sweetness. Sick of the way he's seemingly coping. She knows he's hurting too but he's put her first through all of this and she hates him for that because she's not been able to be that selfless. She's been incapable of taking on his pain as well as her own. But then again he always was the knight in shining armour. But she doesn't want his fucking shield. She's not interested in being saved.

She blinks up at the ceiling. Hears his belt buckle being freed. She's accustomed to him taking his sweet ass time when it comes to this.

A hum of surprise passes her lips when he hoists her leg up around his waist and in the next moment he's pushing into her. Her hands grapple at his shoulders, fingers digging into him as a muffled noise sounds in the back of her throat.

He's succeeded in getting her attention. Her eyes are back on him, her mouth open wide, stunned by his roughness.

He doesn't move for a moment. He knows her. Knows of her discomfort. His breath mingles with her own as his stare pierces into her. He wants to ask her if she's ok because she's tight and was definitely not completely prepared for his sudden intrusion and he's cursing his stupid male ego and his need to make her his. She's his, of course she's his. But he doesn't ask her if she's ok. Won't. This is what she wanted. Him uncaring to her but it doesn't matter how they do this. He can't be uncaring to her and she can't not feel. 'Is it like the first time after Sawyer?' Instead he murmurs.

She hates him for comparing the two instances. It's not the same in the slightest. 'I'm fine'

'No you're not' He fights the instinct to move.

'Telling me what I feel now are you?'

'You expect me to do this if I'm hurting you?'

Her legs lock around him then because he started this. He doesn't get to leave. He's got her all worked up and she wants to feel something. Anything. She's succumbed to it. He groans. 'Peyton-'

'I want you' She gives him the words she knows will urge him on. He moves abruptly. He's oh so predictable. She hisses.

'I'm sorry, I'm sorry'

'I'm fine. I'll be fine in a sec'

His hand brushes over her cheek, tangles in her hair. 'I love you'

She knows. She kisses him then. Hard. To shut him up. To save her replying. But he's right; she can't pretend when it comes to this. Not with him because of course she loves him back. She'll never not love him. But god does she hate that because he deserves better. He deserves the best and she's not that. She's never going to be that again.

•

'Peyt I've got an upset Sawyer that wants her-'

The brunette's eyes bug out as she takes in the scene. The hand that was rubbing soothing circles on the five year old's back instinctively moves up to the little mop of golden hair ushering her into her side and pulling the door to enough to block the sleepy infants vision.

They're both on the floor. Lucas leaning against the wall, Peyton straddling his legs and Brooke is beyond thankful that her best friend's dress is still semi on and flowered over his legs hiding anything that could be really mortifying. But their compromising position leaves no doubt in the brunette's mind as to what has just transpired between the two adults. Peyton shrinks, hiding her head in his neck with a muttered "oh god".

A year and a half ago Brooke would have backed out of the room and hollered a crude comment with her distinctive cackling laughter following. But this is different. She's not just walked in on her best friend getting it on with her husband.

Lucas doesn't miss the way her eyes dance with excitement. It's just a split moment and then she's averting her stare to the ceiling and clearing her throat.

'Sorry I, don't worry about anything, I'll look after Sawyer for you guys' The door clicks shut.

'Fuck' Peyton comes out of hiding.

'It's okay-'

'No-I should go relieve her' She begins to try and get up.

'No you shouldn't' Lucas moves abruptly, pushing her until she's suddenly laying flat on her back on the floor.

She blinks. 'Luke-'

'Sawyer is fine. I know Brooke is the one person you trust with her-'

'That's not true' She cries indignantly. I trust you too.

He smirks. 'I saw you eying Haley earlier-'

'She fusses over her so much, it's not going to be long before Sawyer wants her as Mummy'

He shakes his head against her. 'That's absurd. You're the only person she'll ever be calling Mummy sweetheart. Is this one of your darling best friend's contraptions?' He changes the subject, referring to the dress still tangled around her waist, the dress his hands have been trying to manoeuvre up her torso for the last five minutes.

'Yeah'

'I swear she just makes this shit to get me all hot and bothered and then I can't ever get them fucking off you' She regards him bemusedly. 'She does it on purpose doesn't she? You're in on it aren't you?! Lets see what we can make that will torture Luke the most'

She smiles then. He doesn't miss it. He drowns in it.

'You're just always too impatient' Her hand goes to her side and locates the zip that has only been partially undone. She finishes the job and arches her back, easily pulling the dress that's suddenly causing him so much displeasure off over her head. 'Better?' She enquires as she looks back up at him.

'Mm' His eyes skitter over her. His hand smoothes down the centre of her chest. Over her flat stomach. Over the horizontal scar running across her lower abdomen. He's wise not to linger. He hovers back over her, relishing at the feel of her, just her. 'Much better'

He watches her intently. With intensity that has her clamming up. He watches it happen. Watches her swallow and avert her eyes. 'I really need to go check Sawyer is ok'

'No you don't' He shakes his head, presses his forehead to hers. 'Don't hide from me, just tell me what you're fucking thinking' He exhales in frustration.

She pushes against him, gasping when he settles his weight completely against her.

'Luke' She brings her hands up to her face, covers her eyes. 'We shouldn't have done that. I don't know what I'm...We shouldn't be doing this'

'Why?'

'I..it's not right'

'Why?' He jerks her shielding fingers away from her face and pins her arms back to the floor. 'What isn't right about this?' He begins to pepper kisses down her neck. He wants to make her fall apart. He's not completely convinced he achieved that just moments ago. He hates that. Hates that he doesn't know if she was faking it. He'd always of known before. She'd never have done it before.

'Stop-'

'Nothing can possibly be wrong in me touching you. Wanting you. Needing you. You're my wife Peyton-'

'I shouldn't be!'

He stops issuing her collar bone with butterfly kisses. 'Do you blame me?' He dares to ask. He's been too scared to ask before.

'Wh-what?' She tries to fathom his question.

'You blame me' His words are low, breathy and strained.

Her face crumples. She's feeling too many conflicting emotions. 'Of course I don't fucking blame you' She shakily answers.

'You hate me'

'This is me hating you?' She wonders. She finds it almost amusing that he's accusing her of such a thing when she's laying beneath him, legs scissored around him. When she's just let him have her in this way. Then again she supposes the many words that have transpired between them both tonight and over the course of the last eight months have given him reason to doubt her feelings. She supposes what they just did didn't exactly resemble love either. Passion sure. 'I don't hate you. I hate me. I hate that you're coping better than-'

'Coping? I'm not fucking coping' He disagrees and sits up abruptly. 'I'm not sleeping. And when I do I see you in a fucking bloody mess! I see him! I wake up realising I'm in my fucking childhood bedroom and you're not there and my little girl isn't down the hall and my baby boy is never going to be in the nursery we made for him! And on top of that I'm living with the fact that my wife wants a divorce! The one person I need right now is doing her utmost to get as far away from me as possible. The baby isn't here Peyton. You fucking are'

'He has a name. You never say his name. Why don't you ever say his name?' He doesn't answer. 'I can't pretend he didn't exist'

'You think that's what I'm doing? That's not what I'm doing and I'm not asking you to either. Have I told you once that I didn't want to talk about him?'

'You've not said his name once since that day Luke!'

'I don't want to upset you'

'Why would that upset me?'

'Because I chose you!'

'What?'

'You made me swear not to make the choice I did but I couldn't!' He barks. 'You carried him. You had him inside you. You felt him kick and grow. You were connected to him before he was even here Peyt. I...wasn't and that makes me an awful father but it's the truth! You were my concern. I nearly lost you. I needed you to be ok. I had to sign that fucking form'

'You were given the statistics and you followed the Doctor's advice'

'That's not how you see it though is it? You see it like I murdered our son. That I chose you over him'

'Of course I don't' She disagrees and slowly sits up. 'You didn't choose me over him. It was save me or loose us both... I know you didn't have that connection that I did but he was as much a part of you as me. I know you wanted him. I don't doubt that for a second. You had all these dreams wrapped up in him. I know you'd imagined it all. All the things we'd all do together. I took that away from you! I don't deserve you! Not anymore!'

His brow furrows. He's spent all these months feeling like she blamed him. Like she was mad at him. Not that she felt undeserving. 'What?'

'It was my fault. I'm the one that couldn't fucking carry our child Luke. I thought it, it would be like Sawyer. I thought...and now...now we can't even...I can't give you anymore. I can't have anymore' Her voice wavers.

'I've told you' His hands cup her face as he shakes his head vigorously. 'All I need is you. And if you need us to have another child we will. We'll adopt'

Her face contorts. She's seeing her son's little lifeless form.

'It's not fair!' Her bottom lip wobbles. 'I want him back'

'I know. I know. Me too' His eyes glaze over because her distressed expression mirrors his horrific memory of her on that god awful day, the memory he's tried helplessly to erase but he can't. She's drugged up in the hospital bed. She rocks her head against her pillow and then she's screeching and he holds her and her fists pummel into him as she tries to break free and then she's looking into his face, begging him to save him, begging him to fix their little boy but he couldn't then and he can't now. He's gone.

She gasps for breath. 'I'm so s-sorry. I'm so sorry. I-I know y-you n-need m-me a-and I-I haven't, I I've not..'

He gulps. He does need her. He needs her more than anything and he doesn't understand why she doesn't need him back. 'Why don't you need me?'

'I..I...I want the p-pain-it it's all. It, it's all I have l-left of h-him'

'That's never going to go away' He tells her darkly. 'It won't. We'll have this pain in our hearts forever sweetheart. He, he was ours. Our baby. You and me. We made him together and we'll carry this pain together. But you, you can't keep pushing me away. You letting me hold you and love you, us smiling again and being together, that, that doesn't mean we love him less. It doesn't. Sawyer needs us to be together. We can't let her suffer too. Finn wouldn't want this. You think he'd want his Mum to be sad? You think he'd want his big sister feeling like she wasn't enough? Because that's what you're doing.'

'Maybe you should take her' She blurts then.

'What does that mean?' He scowls.

'It means you should, you should have her and I, I should go away for a bit-'

'Fucking stop. Just stop being a martyr. Can you hear yourself right now? You know what growing up without a Mother did to you. You're willing to do that to your own little girl? We lost Finn but god damn it Peyton, Sawyer is still here. She's you. She's me. She's beautiful and somehow she's still this innocent bright light and you're talking about taking that away from her because if you abandon her she'll not be the same. Swear it. Swear to me you won't leave us.' He growls darkly.

She sniffles.

'Swear it'

'I-I swear' She wipes away the tear that has just raced down his cheek.

'Where you go, I go. Is that clear?'

'Crystal' She whispers. He's not ever snapped at her with such authority before. She lays back down on the floor, wincing slightly with the movement. She aches.

'Good' His nostrils flare and she's suddenly worrying about his heart and the stress she's put him under in recent months but he beats her in asking if she's ok. '...Are you alright?' He sighs. His voice the polar opposite to what it just was. His fingers running over her midriff. 'I shouldn't have, it shouldn't have been like that- I-'

'I'm fine Luke' She coos. 'It's been a while since we did that that's all'

'A while' He echoes. The last time they'd had sex they'd been whole, her rounded belly between them. 'I don't think we've ever done that like that...'

'We're different' she shrugs simply, she can't see how they can ever go back to the people they once were.

'My love for you isn't. You weren't...faking were you?'

'Of course not. You're right; I can't pretend when it comes to that. I didn't mean it...about Chris. You know that right?'

He studies her hard, lowers himself back onto her. 'I use to know what you were thinking just by looking at you Peyt' He hoarsely admits. Her brow furrows. 'I've got it wrong so much over the last year I don't know anymore'

She nods. '...I want to be what you need so badly Luke I just don't...I can't...I-'

'I'm not asking you to have it together for me. I don't want that. I'm just asking you not to block me out'

She bites her lip and looks up into his face, her hand lacing over his.

He's about to ask her what she's thinking but she urges his hand between them. He momentarily thinks she's doing the polar opposite to what he's just requested but he's been without her, without this for a long time that he's easily distracted.

'Do you want me again?' She wonders breathily.

'I'll always want you Sweetheart'

She presses his fingers hard against her, he doesn't miss her grimace.

He tries to retract his hand. She's tender after their rough coupling but unlike him she's undeterred.

'Don't Luke'

'I was too rough- you're sore'

'I like it' She whispers. 'I've been numb so long'

A line forms on his forehead. It's concern that she doesn't want.

'Don't be sweet right now. Please don't be sweet' She begs into his mouth, her teeth grazing over his bottom lip. 'I can't handle swee-' He pins her wrists down above her head then.

'Like this?'

'Mm' She pants.

'I'll fuck you again, I'll give you what you want but you've gotta let me hold you after' He wants to take his time. Wants this to be everything that it wasn't moments ago but he'll take what he can get. He's not stupid though. He's anticipating her wanting to scarper after. He can't handle her fleeing after this. Not when it feels like they've just made a gigantic step forward. He can't handle that kind of rejection. Won't let her use him like that.

'Fine' She arches her back.

'Tell me you need me' He demands.

'I need you'

'Yeah?' He needs her to say it again. Needs it to pass her lips as her own words not as his demand.

She wriggles beneath him. 'Mm, Please'

He enjoys the way she's desperately trying to reunite their bodies. Revels in the control he has over her in that moment because lord knows he's had zero control over anything in recent months. 'I'm the only one aren't I?'

'What?' She's becoming more impatient by the second.

'I can't loose you'

'You're not'

'Promise'

'Jesus Luke'

'Promise'

'I promise'

He relents then and she throws her head back, mouth gaping.

'I'm gonna hold you to that' He rumbles in her ear. His restraining hold is gone. He can't keep to his word. He can't fuck her again in the same way. He needs slow and she's lost the ability to argue. She can't answer. Can't form any further words. Lets him take her away. Lets him dull the ache in her heart.

•

'Mumma'

'Hey munchkin' She presses a lingering kiss to her daughter's cheek and the five year old scrunches her shoulders up and giggles.

'Mummy!'

'What you're just so scrummy, I could eat you'

Sawyer rolls her eyes, a mannerism Peyton is sure she's picked up from the brunette that's looking at her impatiently.

'What B?'

'I'm waiting for the deets P Scott and it better be freaking good. I've had to watch Frozen twice this morning' She flails her arms dramatically. 'This was meant to be my night off of Mummy duty'

'I'm sorry. I didn't realise what the time was' She'd not slept well when they'd finally gone to sleep. Lucas' arm tight around her had been suffocating and unyielding despite her wriggling, like he was scared she was going to escape all night long. She'd pried herself free just forty minutes ago. Had lingered. Watched him in slumber. Noted the lines on his face that seemed to have appeared over the last year alone.

Brooke shakes her head. She wasn't having a go, just teasing. 'What is it with that film?'

Peyton blinks.

'Frozen' Brooke reminds her.

'Right...It's all about girl power and sisterhood, I'm for it'

Brooke screws her nose up. 'It's about snow, snow, snow' She moans. 'I hate the cold'

'Snow is fun Aunt Brooke. Especially ice palaces, they're the most magical, bestest places ever'

'Yeah Aunt Brooke. Especially ice palaces' Peyton chimes.

'Uhuh. Did Lucas take you to your ice palace last night?!' She smirks and Peyton scowls because her friend's wriggling eyebrows are an indication of her true question.

'You have an ice palace Mumma?' Sawyer's hands fall to her hips in outrage. 'And you didn't take me?!'

'Aunt Brooke is just being silly honey'

'How many times did he make it snow?' Brooke leans on her hand, mischief dancing in her eyes.

'Daddy can make it snow like Elsa?' Sawyer is pouting now. 'Can I make it snow?'

Brooke's face is aghast, suddenly not so impressed with her farfetched analogy. 'No you cannot!' She exclaims with a wag of her finger. 'Not until you're at least sixteen'

'Eighteen!' Peyton blurts. 'At least eighteen! Honey why don't you do a drawing for Daddy, you know he loves it when you do that?' She lifts the five year old down off her stool at the island and shifts her to the kitchen table a little more out of earshot of their conversation. The little girl doesn't need much persuasion, eagerly getting to the task as Peyton sets a pot of pencils before her. 'Nice' She shakes her head at her best friend's antics when she returns.

'What?!'

'You know what'

'Hey. This weekend was meant to be no children. You're the one that broke that little deal!'

'I didn't want to leave her'

Brooke's face contorts. 'Of course you didn't honey. I'm just kidding. You're killing me here P'

'You already got an eyeful!' Peyton mutters, her cheeks blushing as she seeks out coffee.

'Sorry about that, Sawyer woke up and I thought it was weird that you hadn't heard her and, well that's irrelevant- I didn't know you were with Luke'

Peyton shakes her head. 'Thank you. For looking after her'

'You're most welcome. So you're...you two are...?'

'Can we drop it?'

'Nope. No we cannot' Brooke sits a little taller on her stool as she watches her friend move around the kitchen island. 'Why won't you talk to me? You can talk to me about anything P'

'Like you talk to me?' She pours them both a brew.

'What's that suppose to mean?'

'It means you don't talk to me like you use to. When was the last time you rocked up at mine with the kids or even talked about them to me'

Brooke opens and closes her mouth.

'This whole town is walking on eggshells around me B, that's not meant to be you'

'I didn't know...I didn't know I was doing that...I...I'm sorry' She licks her lips. '...Jude walked at the weekend' She offers.

Peyton blinks. Her anger vanishes. Emotion is quick to glaze over her eyes. 'Yeah?' She feigns ignorance as she perches beside the anxious brunette.

'Yeah'

'Do you know how much I love your kids B?'

Brooke's brow furrows. 'Yes. Because I feel just the same about yours'

'Well don't take that from me too. Just don't'

'I'm not..what're you talking about?'

'Haley told me that Jude took his first steps' She reveals. 'I know it's stupid but that upset me. I'm meant to hear that from you and it wouldn't matter, I wouldn't care but I know you intentionally didn't tell me that'

'I just want you to be okay Peyt. You've got so much stuff going on. I don't want to upset you and I sure as hell don't want you feel like I'm coming round and throwing all these happy moments at you-'

'You're happy' Peyton interrupts. 'You're the happiest you've ever been and that can only ever make me happy Brooke'

'Okay' Brooke nods affirmatively. 'I'm sorry'

'I bet he gave you the biggest smiles' she imagines, knowing her god son's characteristically cheery personality.

'Uhuh. I'll show you pictures later. Now that they're both on their feet it's like I can't sit down for five seconds. God knows what circus I'm going to go home to later. Did I tell you Davis has decided he doesn't like cheese. Like really doesn't like it. The other day he threw it on the floor and screamed the bloody house down. And then Jude started to copy him and I freaked the fuck out. Like they're one and already copying each other so if one of them starts doing something naughty the other catches on- I thought it was terrible 2's not 1?! Jude thinks it's pretty funny to undo his sleep suit so I have to popper it about fifty times a night. Julian did some freaky ass sleep walking the other night. I nearly killed him with a baseball bat; he scared the crap out of me' She babbles. 'So that's literally me. Now you. You and Lucas'

Peyton's engaged face is quick to avert to the floor.

'I don't know...I don't even know what happened, one minute I was more or less telling him to fuck off and then..'

'He was fucking you?' Brooke suggests.

Peyton's head spins around, the mother in her looking for tiny listening ears that shouldn't hear this conversation. Sawyer is still seemingly preoccupied with her drawing and deaf to their conversation.

'You can't tell me off for swearing, you just did' Brooke bats her hand flippantly. 'She's not listening...so Lucas Scott finally grew a pair then'

'What's that suppose to mean?' Peyton's eyes skitter back to her friend.

'It means he's been on his hands and knees trying to please you, doing everything you god damn say when all you need is him'

Peyton pushes her tongue to the roof of her mouth. '...I don't need you to tell me I'm a bitch B. I'm well aware' She whispers.

'Jesus honey, no. That's not what I just said'

'But it's the truth. You're all thinking it'

'That's never crossed my mind. Everyone deals with grief differently. I just want to help you but I know I'm not the person you need' Brooke blurts.

'...It was an accident okay?' She mumbles.

'Fucking your husband isn't an accident honey'

'It was. He's gonna think...' She scrapes her hand through her hair.

'What? That he might have a shot of moving back into his home? Of being with you? And your daughter? Well god I hope so too'

'You don't know what it feels like' She lowers her voice even more. 'Some mornings I want to drop Sawyer off with him and just leave because looking at them is too hard! Lucas doesn't get that. He doesn't understand. He's wanted to be near me all the time, he's wanted to drown in me and I can't be that because I'm a fucking bitch'

Brooke bites her lip indecisively.

'Just say what you want to say B' Peyton sees her best friend's trepidation.

'I don't want you to hate me'

'That's not possible'

Silence.

'Brooke'

'Snap out of it' The flushed brunette rasps. 'You think running away could ever fix anything?! You can't run away from yourself! You need Luke as much as he needs you. You think he's trying to save you but he's just trying to survive. A divorce isn't going to allow you to move forward, you're crazy if you think that. It won't change anything. You two are linked forever whether you like it or not'

Brooke is beside her now. An arm goes around the small frame of the unsettled blonde.

'I love you Peyton. I need you too you know? You don't get to bail on your life. On that little girl'

'I've been useless with her B' She whispers. 'She's so happy when she's been with with Luke and then when he leaves it, I literally watch that drain out of her. She'd be better off with him'

'That has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact that her Daddy isn't there. With her Mummy'

'...I know'

'You know?' Brooke eyes her, her confusion apparent.

'I know...what?'

'I just, I had more. I thought I'd have to work a bit harder for I know'

Peyton smiles sadly. 'I've been using her B' She whispers. 'Haven't I? I've not meant to. I, I reasoned that me and Luke arguing wasn't good for her. That it was better us being apart but she's not needed that. It's what I wanted'

'Peyt-'

'What kind of Mum uses their kid as a pawn in their fucked up shit?'

'Honey that's not...you're the best Mum ok. You're also a grieving Mum. There was no right way to do this. Space might have been what you both needed but you've had that now and it's time to face the music. You can't hide from him forever'

'...I'm scared B'

'Oh sweetie'

'...letting him back in means facing up to the fact that he might leave me for good'

'What?' Brooke fails to follow her friend's line of thought.

'I can't give him anymore children. I'm not the same now-'

'Jesus you're living in the 21st century Peyt. You're not some tainted, undesirable woman all of a sudden. Luke is, has always been, will always be in love with you' Brooke chastises. 'If having more kids is something you both want you'll do it another way. That's all'

'But I won't have him! I won't have Finn'

'No' Brooke nods. 'But even if you could have more another baby couldn't replace him. It would be it's own person. It wouldn't be Finn'

'I...I know that...I just...it, it's hard you know? Everything is, is really hard right now. I know it's been months now but-'

'God Peyt no one is expecting you to be over this. You lost a child and in loosing that child you lost the ability to have anymore. And it sucks. It really bloody sucks. But that didn't just happen to you. It happened to Luke too. He's not going to bail on you. When has he ever bailed on you?'

'Not now, not ever' Lucas' voice makes Peyton jump. She wonders how much of their conversation he's eavesdropped on. She thinks judging by his face not much because he's calm and collected and she thinks he'd probably be pissed if he'd heard it all.

Brooke smirks at his confidence as he saddles up beside his wife, arm sweeping around her waist.

Peyton tilts her head to look at him, her stare berating.

'Morning sweetheart' He smiles sweetly, ignoring her. 'You two are talking about me'

'Never' Brooke smirks with a wink. 'Peyton was explaining frozen to me'

'You watched frozen without me?' He pouts. 'I love that film'

'Well apparasley you can make it snow Daddy so I'm not happy with you' Sawyer's voice interrupts them and Peyton gulps because she wonders when the five year old checked back in to their conversation.

'What?'

'And you made Mumma an ice palace' She slips off her chair and joins the adults, thrusting her drawing at Lucas. 'I did this for you but you shouldn't have it really cause you are not very nice. You could at least be kind and make me an ickle Olaf'

Lucas opens and closes his mouth, he studies the drawing- wants to tell his young daughter that it's a work of art like always but her words have left him stumped.

Peyton bites her lip in amusement as she watches her perplexed husband scratch his head.

'What're you talking about baby? I didn't make your Mumma an ice palace'

'But Brooke says so' She points incriminatingly at her guilty god mother. 'She says you made it snow, snow, snow'

'She did, did she?' Lucas squints from his bemused friend to his wife as he silently tries to understand.

'Uhuh and I'm not allowed to make it snow till I'm sixteen-'

'Eighteen' Peyton blurts again.

'That's not fair' Sawyer stomps her foot and Lucas is quick to decipher the hidden subject matter in this conversation because his wife's hasty interruption and aghast expression says a thousand words.

'It's more than fair' He snorts. 'I think thirty is a much better age' He chimes.

Brooke snorts. 'You might as well send her to a convent'

'Oh I might just' Lucas grins.

'What's a covet?'

'Never you mind baby' Peyton shakes her head with a soothing smile. 'We're all just being silly. Mummy and Daddy can't make it snow like Elsa. Only she can do that. But I tell you what, we'll take you ice skating next week if you're good'

'You and Daddy?'

'Yes. Me and Daddy'

'Yes' Her little fist bumps the air in a way that they both know she's learnt from her uncle. 'And Aunt Brooke? And Judey and, and Davis and and Uncle Julian' The caring child excitedly wonders.

'If Aunt Brooke and Uncle Julian want to come ice skating she's more than welcome' Peyton laughs at her daughter's excitement.

'You'll come too won't you Aunt Brooke? Please pretty please? Mummy is Elsa and you're like Ana and I have to have you both there' She rambles.

'Oh I think I might be able to' Brooke rasps with a smirk. 'But I think we might leave Jude and Davis out of it. Ice skating is a bit tricky for babies. You know what I think I'm gonna have to watch this Frozen thing again if I'm going to be playing a part'

'We can do that!' Sawyer grabs for Brooke's hand.

'Now?'

'Uhuh. Now'

'Sawyer don't boss Brooke around. She probably doesn't feel like watching that again'

'It's alright P Sawyer. Talk'

•

'Will you stop' She doesn't know what to do with herself, doesn't know what to say now that they're alone but his unfaltering gaze is putting her on edge.

'What?'

'Looking at me like that'

'Like what?'

'Like you're going to...' She trails off, thinks better than indulging him.

'What?' He smirks, arms sneakily locking her to the kitchen island. 'Like I'm going to what Peyt?'

She frowns up at him. 'You know exactly what'

'Like I want to take you right here. Right now? Because I do. I really, really do. Last night was...'

'Stop it' She hisses. 'Haley is going to come in in a second'

'And would be delighted to find us reconciling'

'More like concerned about the sanitation of her work tops'

He laughs. 'That is true' He concedes.

'Uhuh. So down boy. You're just going to have to wait till later'

'Is that a promise?'

She pauses. 'I promise'

'Mm' His nose grazes hers as he drops his forehead to hers. 'I'm going to hold you to it...there's something I've been meaning to give to you' He whispers. 'I've sort of been scared but I think now you might not throw it in my face. At least I hope not' He eases back from her a little and rummages in his pocket. 'This isn't, this isn't me trying to fix anything like you keep yelling at me. Nothing can fix him not being here but I just, it would mean a lot to me if you'd wear this for me because I want a little piece of him with you Peyt I know it might not -'

'Luke' She cuts off his rambling. 'Just show me. I'm not going to bite your head off. Whatever it is. I promise'

He squints at her uncertainly for a moment and then slowly uncurls his hand to reveal a golden locket. He pops it open to reveal a lock of hair.

'His hair' she breathes, eyes welling. 'Oh Luke' He tries to read her expression.

'Is that an oh Luke I love you or an oh Luke I'm going to kill you'

'The first you idiot'

'It's a bit hard to judge these days'

'I know. I'm sorry. Put it on me?' She shuts the little door. Holds it between finger and thumb as he tentatively does it up around her slender neck.

'You've lost too much weight Peyt' His fingers linger on the back of her neck. 'Sorry I shouldn't, I didn't...' He tries to backtrack. Wishes his mouth would sometimes consult his brain before speaking. Especially right now when he's been doing so well in not being issued with a scowl. He doesn't get a scowl.

'I know. I've not been eating well' She admits. 'Sometimes I have to force myself to' He swallows thickly. 'Maybe it'll be easier...eating with someone again'

He feels like he's probably misheard or misconstrued her words. His silence forces her to clarify.

'Come home Luke'

'You mean that?'

'Of course I do' She mutters.

'If I come back I'm not leaving again Peyt. It's for good'

'That's what marriage is right? Our marriage at least. Forever'

His smile breaks free then. 'Uhuh. Forever'

'I can't promise I'm not going to be a bitch Luke'

'I'm well accustomed to you being a bitch babe' She hits his arm lightly. 'Kidding' He laughs.

'No you're not...' She looks up into his face '...I do love you. You know that right?'

'Uhuh. But it is nice to hear'

'I'm sorry I'm-'

'Baby I don't need you to be sorry. You're entitled to feel everything you've been feeling. All I want is for you to share it with me'

She nods curtly. 'Do you...do you think about him, about what he'd be doing now?'

'Of course. He'd be eleven months tomorrow. Remember Sawyer at that age?'

'She was fluent in her own gibberish language and getting into everything...I think he would've been more like you. Laid back. Maybe still not walking-'

'Lazy you mean?' He kinks his brow but is smiling.

'No quietly inquisitive'

'Oh, is that what you think I am?'

'You always fucking know everything Luke. About me. Without me confiding'

'If that were true I wouldn't have screwed up being what you need the last year'

'You didn't screw anything up...I've been punishing myself but I'm not just punishing myself I'm punishing you and Sawyer...I need to stop. For the both of you...I think, I think I might need to talk to someone...like professionally. Would, would you do it with me?'

Lucas nods without hesitance. 'Of course. I think that would be good for the both of us'

'You do?'

'Yeah' He tugs her closer. 'It'll be good for us to have someone else's input. It's easy to loose sight of each others grief when we're wrapped up in our own'

'You just described me, not you'

'No Peyt...Deep down, if I'm being honest I've been...I've not been the most patient. I know you think otherwise but I haven't. I've felt like you're blaming me all this time because, well, I've blamed myself. It seems we're both good at that and logically I think we both know neither of us are to blame. It's just the cards we got dealt'

'It's a shit hand'

'The worst. But we still have our little girl Peyt. We still have each other and I feel beyond lucky for that. I won't feel guilty for wanting to enjoy you and her. Life is so short. One day we'll be with him again, I believe that. And until then I'll make sure we have adventures and love and laughter because otherwise we won't have any exciting stories to share with him'

A tear races down her cheek. He catches it. 'Anyone would think you're a writer' She mutters.

'I've been known to dabble' He hums with a small smile.

'You're right... you're always right' She murmurs. 'I have to live again. For Finn'

'For Finn'

end.