Lightning couldn't recall just how many times she's been called mom.
And with each and every single time, never has it ever felt right to hear it.
Her? Mom?
It never sounded right hearing anyone call her mom.
She was anything but a mom.
She was a soldier, ruthless, strong, and cold.
She was a sister, protective, clingy, and desperate.
And she was a bitch, short tempered, violent, heartless, and was proud of it.
How did all that lead up to her being called mom?
It was something she just couldn't figure out. She was nothing like their mother, her gentle, calm, quiet mother that always knew what was wrong, that knew what to say, knew what to do to make everything better. Her mother could always smile during the darkest times, she could always find a good side to each and other bad.
She smiled on her deathbed, a sad and happy smile.
Sad to leave them, happy to be reunited with their father.
Lightning could never remember a time she's seen her mother so torn and so accepting. So ready for death, for the eternal peace that was Valhalla...
She didn't have the same courage that her mother had, to move forward, only in raw rage and despair did she find her drive to move towards death, even then, it was merely suicide while her mother was at peace.
She acts rashly and with violence, she did let her anger speak for herself, she was never as controled as she wanted to be, as their mother was...
What was it about her that compelled the term? The title?
One she didn't deserve, and never should.
She wasn't a mom, she never could be...
The first time it happened was a few months after their mother passed.
Serah had grown used to Lightning and came out of her room, her cheeks dry though her eyes were still heavy, and Lightning finally came home, no longer avoiding her sister and the house itself like before. As soon as the despair disappeared and the unbearable sight of one another, they clung tightly to each other's side, stuck like glue.
No matter where, they were together, walking up to school, leaving school, shopping, or simply enjoying the beach; they were always together. The ever guarding Lightning, watching over her sister that tried to reenact their past days when they were three instead of two, the thirteen year old pretending that they were playing on the beach while their mother was home, cooking dinner.
With the exception to the knowledge that she isn't, it was fairly believable for Serah. Even with the name change, Lightning still acted a lot like Claire, and neither had the heart to crash her nostalgic fantasy.
When Serah tripped and landed near a snake, she flew into Lightning arms, frantic and afraid while the elder held her tightly, slowly creeping them both away. Through her mesh of wails, one word rang clear to the fifteen year old's ears, a word Serah probably wans't even aware that she said in her scare.
"It almost bit me mom! It almost bit me!"
That was the first Lightning had ever been called mom, and it was a knife probing its pointed tip at her heart. Despite her rigidness, she set to working soothing her worries away, promising that the snake wasn't coming back for her; all the while thinking that this would be the only time... it was far from being the last.
The second time was by Serah again.
Its been a year since the death and Lightning graduated and was training to join the Guardian Corps, leading to her hardly being home, much to both sisters sorrow. So when the chance arose for them both to be together, they took it.
Like Serah being sick.
Lightning skipped training for her sick sister, despite Cid and Rygdea's warnings that her teacher this semester wasn't an understanding type. That was the last of Lightning's concerns and thoughts for the training as she nursed her sister, wiping the sweat from her brow, bringing her soup, getting her medicine, and keeping her as comfortable as possible.
It was frightening when one of them got sick, even if it was a mere cold. The memory of their mother being sick was still fresh in both their minds, its something they'd never forget.
At 8:13 at night, as Lightning tucked the tired Serah in bed, pulling up the covers to her neck like she liked and tugging the corners around her shoulders so she could cocoon herself, and at last wiping away at her forehead, feeling her temperature; Serah smiled up at her, not really seeing but not blind either. She moved on her own, faster than Lightning could prepare for as she lightly pressed her lips on her cheek, smiling brightly as she fell back down, cocooning herself like Lightning predicted she would, though the stiff sister could hardly react.
"Night mom, I love you."
She hated him.
She knew that the first moment she met him.
He was everything the GC wasn't, everything that was taught to her, trained into her till it became a second nature.
He was nothing like that, nothing at all. He had no control, no discipline, no sense of duty and responsibility. He was selfless and dumb, charging in without thinking, that he was everyone's ray of sunshine.
That he was a hero.
Lightning never thought she'd hear a word used so wrong.
He wasn't a hero like he believed. He was far from being a hero. She was taught and worked with heroes everyday, men and women that gave up a lot for the people of Cocoon, that lost so much, that dealt with the daily mockery of the PSICOM, that fought with them just to keep the people safe.
Those were the real heroes.
Not this thug, not this idiot that thought he was the savior for the people to both PSICOM and GC.
This boy knew nothing of being a true hero, of what's to be sacrificed and learned.
It takes more than boasting, encouraging words, and brawn to make a hero.
It takes loss and growth to get past that loss.
She's seen it everyday with her mentors.
In their eyes, she sees it and admires it.
They are true heroes, they know the risk to their job, and they were willing for that sacrifice.
This boy... if given a choice, would he choose his life or another?
But no matter how many times she pressed, screeched, and scolded him, he always waved her off, laughing as he dove in to fight beside her, bashing thugs' head; always where she needed him the least.
"Yeah sure, whatever you say mom."
She was eighteen and a month away from her Sergeant's training.
Amodar suggested that she rest and just take a break.
She just wanted to train and better herself.
Unfortunately her sister eagerly agreed with her mentor.
"We are not wasting our money on a dress Serah," Lightning scolded as she glared at the offending fabric that Serah was admired, imagining her sister in it. Hardly deterred, Serah easily said, "But you'd look lovely in this!"
"Serah," came her firm tone. "My expenses barely cover the house and food, we're not wasting the little leftover we have on that."
"But sis!" Serah whined, "You've got to have at least one dress in your wardrobe! Not just your uniforms, shirts, and jeans!"
"Who decided this?"
"The natural laws of life."
"Well I don't follow those laws, especially since they're ridiculous."
Serah half whined half moaned, but complied, following after her sister that lost interest in the fabric and the conversation. Not that Serah was done with the latter. "Why are you so against dresses?"
"They limit necessary survival moments, and from what I see, people only wear a dress at least once in their life for some occasion. If I ave too, I'll rent."
Serah sighed, "Its nice owning a dress though, and wearing one." She smiled cheekily. "You might even catch a boy's attention." Lightning merely rolled her eyes. Serah always obsessed over things like that, Lightning and boys... as if that would ever happen.
"Why do you want me to meet a guy?" she asked aloud, stopping to inspect some of the fruit they have out in the open market. "So I know you won't be alone," Serah replied, then grinned, "plus I want to be an aunt someday."
"Serah!" Lightning scolded, "You're too young to be thinking of such things!"
Serah merely rolled her eyes, though she still smiled cheekily. "You never know with life sis. I think you'd make a wonderful mom."
She scoffed, "There are a lot that would disagree."
"I still think you'd make a great mom."
"I don't approve. Plain and simple Serah."
"But sis-"
"I don't want you dating that oaf!"
"His name is Snow!"
"I. Dont. Care. I don't want you around him."
"You don't even know him!"
"I know well enough that all he'll bring you is trouble Serah. He's full of himself, thinking that he'll save everyone, that he's better than the Sanctum, that he's the saint compared to them. He's just going to get you killed."
"You don't know that, you don't even know him!"
"I know well enough how much of an idiot he is Serah! He's reckless! A showoff, and blind to what's around him. He's pushing the sanctum buttons Serah. I bet they'll come after him one of these days."
"He's helping the people!"
Yeah, encouraging them to piss of Sanctum, he's going to get us all Purged if this goes on."
"Maybe a break from them would be good!"
"...Serah."
"I don't want to hear it Claire! I love Snow!"
"..."
"...Sis?"
*slam*
"I thought I told you, that Claire is dead..."
"Claire isn't dead...you're still Claire, even if you don't want to, you're still-"
"SHUT UP!"
"..."
"You know do you? How do you know you're in love? You're fucking seventeen Serah! You don't know what love is."
"And you do!"
"I'm pretty sure I would in the next ten years! But right now, you don't know what love is Serah, you're not feeling love, what you have is some stupid crush that'll hurt you and you're too young to see that. I forbid you from seeing that oaf ever again."
"You're not my mother!"
They've been hiking for hours, going up the rocks and down them, keeping along the wall as she sought out any copters, her mind focused and locked on simply getting to Eden and destroying that fal'Cie. Even if it ended in suicide, its what her enraged mind was locked on.
The fucking fal'Cie wanted to destroy Cocoon and themselves, then sure, yes, she'd gladly destroy them all.
Fal'Cie, Cocoon, Snow...
She'll gladly destroy them all.
Especially Snow.
The next time she sees that man, it'll be too soon.
When the scatter of stones clicked and clattered behind her, she paused, resisting the urge to sigh. She nearly forgot about her newest comrade in this mission. Glancing back, she glared at the boy that followed after, a rich kid that never fought a day in his life. She's seen kids like him all the time during her missions up to Eden; brats fated to take over the family business just as they were raised too.
The whole trip up while the group was together, all the kid did was whine and mope, hardly living up to his namesake, the complete opposite of it actually. He was unbearable when they started.
She had to commend him for the moment, ever since he followed her after the group split up, he has let to breath a word. Looking at him now, she could see that he was barely conscious, stumbling and tripping constantly as he tried to follow her without complaint, his eyes blinked constantly as he struggled to stay awake.
Any farther and he was going to collapse... Pulse knows even she could leave a kid behind, no matter how much of a brat they are. So when he finally caught up to her, she allowed them to rest.
As soon as he sat himself down, he was out, slumped against the rock asleep.
Lightning though was far from tired, and took the moment to patrol the area, making sure there were no monsters or soldiers on their trail. When she looped around, the boy hadn't moved, still slumped over and asleep. Rolling her eyes at the typical child, she settled herself across from him, staying alert and listening for any approaching steps.
The boy shifted in his sleep, catching her attention and locking her gaze in him. In the quiet air, she heard him whisper one word, one she scoffed at as he settled back into sleep. He wasn't even close.
Still, her body moved on its own, rising and sitting nearer to him on his wall, jumping slightly when he leaned over and rested against hiss shoulder, smiling slightly as the feeling of security washed over him as he felt the other body next to him. Lightning let him lean on her, resting as she watched over them both in the night.
"Mom...?"
They were going to be the death of her.
Perched high on her bird, Lightning twitched as she watched Hope and Snow race on their chocobos, Fang and Vanille rooting for them in the background. She had to grip the feathers to keep herself from shouting at them both, more Hope than Snow; she didn't care much if the bird threw the oaf off.
"Easy soldier," Sazh's voice spoke out, "pull those feathers out and that chocobo will surely buck you off." Blinking in surprise, she looked down to see indeed, that she was gripping the feathers harder than necessary and that her bird was eyeing her warily. "Sorry," she murmured automatically, letting go of those feathers and running her fingers over its neck, bringing out a delight koo from the chocobo.
It still baffled her that this larger, wild species of chocobo was still docile enough to let humans ride them.
When a shout rang out, she looked ahead to see Hope laughing as he gripped his own bird, trying to stay on as they turned sharply, trying to catch up to Snow, Fang and Vanille now joining in on the race. She scowled darkly at them.
"What's got you so tense now?" the other mature member of the group asked, raising a brow at her, his chocobo chick chirping curiously, peering at her from his hair. She nodded to the group ahead, "They're going to break their necks."
Sazh watched them alongside, he chuckling as he listened to them chortle. "Though there is a risk, I don't think they're going that fast."
Lightning wasn't convinced, still glaring at the group.
"How long has it been since you've had fun soldier?"
Lightning raised a brow at him, the word fun sounding alien to her ears. Nodding to himself, he mused to himself, "A long time."
Shaking her head, she replied, "Depends on what you define as fun I guess..." she smirked slightly, "I do enjoy punching people."
"Yeah..." he bid out, rubbing his jaw at the memory when he first met her and she punched him. "But surely Serah sought to have fun like this."
She frowned then shook her head. "No, she didn't... at least, as far as I know..." she sighed, "we became quite distant and she did try to make it up but... I was too proud and stubborn; I... I wasn't ready to let her go, and I didn't think Snow could take care of her."
Maybe that was the reason Serah was attracted to Snow, he was the exact opposite of Lightning.
Sazh chuckled, catching her attention. "I'd say you'd understand when you have kids of your own but... in a sense I guys you sort of do. You can't cling to them forever you know, at some point they have to go out and make mistakes of their own to grow themselves. You'll do fine when you settle yourself... maybe just loosen up a bit..."
Lightning rolled her eyes, but quickly jumped into action, rushing her bold forward as she shouted at Snow when he bumped Hope's bird a little to close to the edge of the plateau they were on.
"You'll do fine... just loosen up a little."
She was blind.
That was the first thing she was aware of when she opened her.
Blind, light, and alive.
When it cleared and she could see, she was on a familiar beach, with the cool summer night air around, with the moon and stars above her. A hand rested on her shoulder, turning her to face a familiar heart shaped face, pale silver hair, and green eyes.
"Mom..."
The woman smiled, behind her, a man stood at the distance, his ruby red hair flowing in the wind, his aqua blue eyes gleaming bright with bittersweet longing. Lightning stepped past her mother, eyes locked on the man, reaching out for him, only to be held back by her mother, shaking her head sadly while the man watched on with sad eyes.
"He's been gone far too long darling," her mother whispered, slowly wrapping her arms around Lightning, leaning her head against her own.
"But... I'm dead, aren't I?"
Her mother smiled, pulling her body closer. "No sweetie, you're asleep, you merely asleep. You won't die for quite a while, your father and I can wait a while longer for you, after you lived your life."
"Asleep," Lightning repeated to herself. She was in a crystal status then, that was the only conclusion that she could come up with... she did remember hearing that the status was peaceful from what was recorded from other l'Cie, that it was peaceful and that any sense of time was lost. If she focused hard enough, she could get an idea...
But as her mother held her, lightly pressing her lips to her grow and easing away all her troubling thoughts, Lightning found she could bring herself to try and wake, not just yet. She wrapped her arms around her mother, leaning into her and shaking as tears started to leak out of the corner of her eyes, still longingly eyeing her father watching them in the distance.
"I'm sorry mom," she whispered, "I tried, I tried to take care of Serah, to protect her... and I failed, she's gone, in a crystal, I don't even know if we will meet again. I'm... I'm so..."
"Shh," she shushed her, running her fingers through her hair. "You did better than I could have hoped. She became a promising woman Claire, for all you did for her, she came out marvelously. Both of you did." She drew away, smiling down at up and tugging hair behind her ear, her mother whispered, "Its almost time for you to wake up."
Lightning's eyes widen, grabbing her mother and holding her tightly.
Her mother merely shook her head, shushing her gently. "She's waiting for you Claire, they all are. We can't keep you here, Claire, not yet..."
Closing her eyes, Lightning leaned forward, resting against her mother's chest as she shook in her arms, listening as her mother's voice grew more and more distant to her ears. "I love you mom... I miss you..."
"And I you my brave little girl, we both miss you, and Serah... but we love you, and we'll always be watching over you... But remember Claire, we're proud; of both you and Serah, we're so proud..."
this thought came to mind to me today about how many times lightning has been called mom, whether on purpose or a slip of the tongue, and her thoughts and feelings about being called mom.
so i went through all the possibilities that i could think of at the top of my head. from pregame to in game and after.
lightning's original design was her with silver hair, but that was given to hope instead, who originally was going to be blonde. serah mentions that lightning looks a lot like their mother so i'm using that original design for her mother's appearance. you can see the original design as one of lightning's alternative outfits in dissida