A/N; So yes hello, I've thrown up something new again, alert the masses. I feel like with the lack of things going on in the collective fandom recently that writing BTR fanfic is my method of keeping it alive, which is probably lame, but still true. So here's something new from me. Showverse, pretty obviously. But it's loosely based off of the book If I Stay by Gayle Forman (go read it, oh my god it's phenomenal). The preview for the movie adaptation came out recently and that's honestly what inspired me to pull this swing on it out. If you haven't read that book/seen the preview for the movie and have no idea what this story is about to be about, good luck to you, friends. Good luck to all of you, we're getting very emotional very fast. Fair warning, though, I am changing the POV each individual chapter (for ex: this chapter is in James's point of view, the next one I have planned to do in Carlos's, then Kendall's, then Logan's.) Just a heads up.
S/O to my best friend Kacie for putting up with the emotional turmoil I've put her through in telling her about this story and all that's gonna happen.
And as always, huge thanks to anyone who enjoys this story enough to tell me so and to follow/favorite, all that good stuff. If you do it, you're fab and I love you, really I appreciate it a ton.
WHEW OKAY. Done talking now. Hope you like it~
-Kay.
Chapter 1-
Summer was incredibly different this year. Back in elementary school and middle school, Brooke had always tried to incorporate something as a special Diamond family vacation to kick off the summer. In the last handful of years that had changed. First it was because of the divorce. James hadn't even been surprised when that first summer after all the fighting and all the separating there actually was no vacation to be had. That had been sixth grade.
Seventh grade he and his mother had picked up the tradition, just the two of them. They had gone to Washington DC that June. James had moaned and groaned and dragged his feet through the historical establishments. Eighth grade was much better because it was the first year Diamond family vacation turned into a Diamond-Knight-Garcia-Mitchell camping trip. Kicking off the summer before they all began high school together with his three best friends had been the summer James called his favorite for a long time.
High school changed everything. The summer between freshman and sophomore years, James had spent almost the entire summer in a music training program. His ongoing dream to be a pop star hit an all time high as he had grown up, grown to obviously become "the pretty one" that he was considered for the few years to follow. That summer lacked in family vacation, lacked in best friend interaction, and ended up bringing back an overly confident –arrogant, even- and even more musical James.
The summer after sophomore year, he and the guys were living in a completely different world. That summer was the first tour for the four of them as Big Time Rush, spent trying to create their reputation, prove themselves as a band. As fun as it was, it was also a time of intensity for James. He had had the most to lose if the tour had flopped, so he had been more than a little obsessive in his perfectionist ways.
Of all the summers so far, the one after junior year had been the best –James's favorite by far. Big Time Rush's world tour had been –no pun intended- the time of his life. He and the guys got to go to so many places he could have only ever dreamed of before they were a band. They did so many shows that tour, they got to meet so many fans, James got to kiss so many girls –obviously his highlight.
This summer, though, this summer was different. He and his three best friends had officially graduated high school –albeit at the Palm Woods school instead of the hometown school they had started out at back in Minnesota. They were going to be going on another world tour across the country, the last tour all four of them were going to be able to go on before Griffin demanded his break out change once again. The tour kicked off toward the end of the month, their graduation at the start of June, so they all had a little bit of time to kill. What made this summer so odd, other than the unavoidable fact that he was quickly growing up, was the fact that both of his parents were present in one place for his graduation and not only seeming to get along, but suggesting that the three of them –"for old time's sake"- took a "family" trip together before he left with the guys for tour.
"This is insane." James huffed.
It was the day after the graduation ceremony and the fabulous celebration that had been complete with a great performance on their behalf. Now, courtesy of a non-arguable demand from his mother, the brunet seventeen year old was throwing together clothes and essentials in a suitcase to go off on this short vacation –one he had no doubt at all was bound to be more than awkward. His blond haired band mate balled up a t-shirt and tossed it over to him.
"Dude," Kendall chuckled. "You used to love Diamond family vacations.
James rolled his eyes as he properly folded the shirt that was thrown at him. "Yeah, back when I was eight and my parents could go more than a few hours without wanting to set each other on fire."
"They seem to be doing alright." Logan noted from where he sat at the house-communal computer desk, facing the screen.
"For now, maybe." Eyes falling on the prestigious looking webpage open on the computer screen, he kinked a brow after a beat. "What are you doing?"
"Signing up for online college courses for the summer term." The shorter boy answered matter of factly.
"Of course you would."
Making a reach for a piled stack of paired socks waiting to be stuffed into his suitcase was halted as Carlos abruptly launched himself up from where he had been sulking quietly on the floor at the end of the yellow swirly side. The smaller boy's arms wound tightly around James's middle, the initial impact earning a quiet noise of surprise from the taller of the two.
"I don't want you to leave." Carlos complained in a dejected mumble.
With a light laugh, James brought the hand that had fallen to rest on Carlos's shoulder up to tap against the top of the Latino's familiar hockey helmet.
"I'll only be gone a week, Los."
"And then he'll be on tour with us for like two and a half months and we'll get tired of him all over again." Kendall joked.
"Hilarious." James rolled his eyes.
Carlos disentangled himself from the brunet after James had given him another one-armed hug. He perched on the arm of the colorful couch, squinting down at the contents of James's suitcase.
"Where are you guys going again?"
"Just down to San Diego for the week. Gonna hang out at the beach, maybe visit Shamu or something." James answered.
"You can work on your tan." Kendall said.
"If anyone needs to work on their tan, it's you. You literally blend in with your white sheets. And I-" He paused, making an exemplifying motion up and down toward himself. "I am perfect."
"Yes!" Logan raised his voice enthusiastically.
James pointed toward the dark haired boy, winking over at him despite the fact that Logan had yet to actually turn around. "Thank you, love the enthusiasm."
"What? Oh." A confused expression crossed Logan's face as he turned in the swivel chair finally. "I was excited about the available astronomy class I just got to sign up for."
Kendall flopped over onto his side on the couch in his laughter, James frowned in response.
"You pain me, Logan, pain me." He muttered, being melodramatic as he brought a hand to his chest, clutching over his heart.
"You're fine." Logan snickered, maneuvering in the rolling chair he sat in to move over to the side of the couch Carlos was seated on the arm of, both pairs of dark eyes peering into the brunet's suitcase now. "Did you pack extra socks and underwear?"
"Yes, mother." James replied.
"And your phone and I-pod chargers?" Carlos checked as well.
"Guys," Kendall sat up from where he had still been on his side after laughing. "James is a big boy, I think he can remember necessities for a week, chill out."
Logan brushed the blond off with a dismissive wave of his hand and James snickered under his breath. Truth be told, James was positively soaking up the doting attention. He loved almost any and all attention given to him. Logan taking on the role of mama duck keeping her ducklings in line came as no shock. Carlos's half clingy, half mopey puppy dog look wasn't anything new either. Then, as usual, there was cool and collected Kendall, not a care in the world, trying to be the collective level head for the sake of the rest of them. He always did that, regardless of situation. It was one of those things about Kendall that James admired while simultaneously wanting to strangle him for on occasion.
"Don't get too used to vacationing. You're gonna come back and be thrown right into tour rehearsals, no mercy." The blond warned.
James rolled his eyes. "Please. All you losers are the ones who barely survive rehearsals."
He didn't miss the way that Carlos frowned and Logan scoffed, getting a quiet chuckle from him. Zipping up his suitcase a moment later, satisfied with the last of his packing, the brunet breathed out a sigh. He couldn't lie and say that taking a vacation, even somewhere not so far from home, sounded really nice. The beach, the sunshine, the time to himself. He loved the guys to death, but they all practically lived in each other's pockets lately.
After Griffin's big "necessary break out" announcement they had all somehow managed to cling to each other even more than usual. James was just as guilty as any of them of clinging to Big Time Rush and their loyalty to themselves, each other, and their friendship, but, god, it was getting exhausting. Getting away, from any and all of it, that would be refreshing. He would be able to come back after being in San Diego and he would drink up all the attention from his friends –all the questions about how vacation was, all the "I missed you"s. Then he would positively own tour rehearsals, give it his absolute all –not that he ever did any less than his best in everything (except for maybe school, sue him.) All of it would work out, be good, even. Given his parents didn't want to start World War 3 along the way, that is. That was the only thing seeming to perpetuate any apprehension in him still.
For a second time, Carlos jolted James in surprise as he launched himself at the taller boy, clinging around his midsection.
"Carlooos." James whined, squirming in the tight circle of the smaller boy's arms. "Don't be such a girl." He chuckled jokingly.
"I think we need a group hug." Kendall declared, getting up from the couch.
James shot him a glare, well aware that the blond was totally pulling that card on purpose. Logan stood from the desk chair, following their makeshift leader. Carlos's arms squeezed tighter around his middle as the other two boys hugged him, too, three pairs of arms wrapping around him and holding onto him tightly. He huffed shortly in false irritation.
"I hate all of you."
The smile he couldn't seem to fully suppress from crossing his face actually suggested the opposite.
Driving to San Diego with both of his divorced parents in the same car proved to be just as full of awkward tension as James had feared. Evidently whatever semblance of decent attitudes and getting along with one another that his mom and dad had for a short while had just as quickly worn off. The car was quiet, his mom even leaving the radio off as they drove down the highway. James texted Logan, hoping for some boy-genius response to dealing with the tension. After several "LoganLoganLogan," "Help me," "I need your brain," "Distract me," and "Dude what are you even doing right now I have Logan needs this is priority" texts that went unanswered, the brunet had taken to dejectedly slumping against the back car door, hazel eyes flicking between his mom and dad in the passenger and driver's seats.
"Sooo," James started awkwardly, eyebrows raising. "Can I assume that we're not gonna be happy family-ing it on this vacation after all?"
Brooke sighed, her agitation becoming more apparent as she pinched the bridge of her nose. "James, please."
"Honest question. This was your guys' idea, not mine." The teenager mumbled with a roll of his eyes.
"Lose the attitude." His father spoke up finally, voice sharp as his hands flexed around the steering wheel.
A frowned creased the tall brunet boy's brow as he shifted from leaning against the car door to sit up straighter. As much as he was looking forward to a little beach relaxation and the possibility of girls in bikini's totally inevitably fawning over the James Diamond, the longer they spent in the car, the more he was rethinking the whole thing.
"I wanna go home." He mumbled, sounding much more like a child than he intended.
"We're only 20 minutes from the hotel exit, James." Brooke muttered.
The seventeen year old practically scowled. "I don't care. I want to go home."
"We're not turning around after that drive." Matthew replied.
"I'll call Kelly, she'll send a car for me." James shrugged with one shoulder.
"This wouldn't even be a problem if your father had just stuck by his word to not handle anything work related while we were here for-"
"Oh, so now this is my fault?"
The raised accusatory voices of his parents were quickly proving to give him a raging headache. He thought for a moment that he should be used to it. The fighting between the two adults was far from infrequent. He had been expecting it, even. The attempts to pit blame on one another continued to escalate, James growing exasperated as it progressed into yelling. He thumbed through his contacts on his phone, looking to call Kelly as he had previously suggested. Just as he was about to make the call, he glanced upward toward the bickering adults in the front seat.
"Can you try to keep it down? Making a phone call here." He announced, voice snarky.
"James, knock it off." His mother reprimanded.
"I need to knock it off? Really? I do?" James's voice grew louder. "I'm the only one in this car right now with a valid enough reason to act like a child and yet it's you two that are doing it."
"Don't be so dramatic." His father scoffed, shaking his head.
"Are you freaking kidding me?" The boy's voice hit an octave and volume he could only correlate with the fights he sometimes had with Kendall, when his tolerance was low and his defenses were high. "I didn't even want to go on this stupid vacation, I knew this was going to be a disaster from the get-go, but no, I gave the benefit of the doubt and took the guys' advice to hope for the best. God, things would have just been better if neither of you had come out here to California at all."
Things seemed to move too quickly for him to keep up with after that. One second he was yelling angrily back at the two of them, and the next Brooke was shouting for Matthew to watch out. The oncoming truck seemed to come out of nowhere, speeding along the onramp into their lane. Colliding with the side of the tail end of the car resulted in the small silver civic fishtailing into other oncoming traffic. The harsh collision with the passenger side of the car followed, just before the car rolled side over side over side, halfway down the highway embankment.
James couldn't remember passed the initial passenger side collision.
Everything was black and absolutely silent for what felt like forever. The endless nothingness was eerily calming for a time, like ongoing sleep that not even a dream could puncture a hole in. And then suddenly it was gone. It was only a second, a bright flash of absolutely blinding light. Not even white light, it was red light, like a tail light or a stop light, directly in front of his eyes. It seared at them, then in an instant it was gone once again, as quickly as it had come. An instant later, the red flashed again, this time paired with a high pitched screeching that stabbed at his ears and made him wish he didn't have the ability to hear at all.
Continuous streams of these flashes persisted and with each one came a pain worse than anything James had ever felt in his life. He had had concussions and broken bones in hockey related injuries more times than he could count on one hand, but not one of those injuries felt like this. All of those injuries combined didn't feel like this. This hurt in every inch of his body. It hurt in his ears and eyes and head and arms and legs. Everywhere. Literally everywhere, his body was plagued with a sharp and somehow simultaneously burning pain.
He couldn't figure out what he was seeing, if he was seeing anything at all. He couldn't get passed all the red. It was just red everywhere. Were his eyes bleeding? Is that what was happening? Where were his mom and dad? Where was he? Why couldn't he see?
His hearing came and went, as if one second his head was beneath water and the next it was above it again. There was the painful scrape of metal against metal, then there was nothing. There was the echoing wail of a siren, then there was nothing. Vaguely there were voices, chopping, broken up, frantic voices that were speaking words, but the words weren't registering. It was like he was barely there, not fully conscious, but not fully unconscious, and that in itself was terrifying. The limbo, the hanging by a thread, it was all too real, too scary.
Somewhere in his subconscious, he thought maybe he was having a panic attack, but he didn't seem to have enough consciousness in his senses to know for sure. None of it felt like it could actually be happening, and yet it felt painfully real at the same time. It was too much. He had just dozed off in the backseat and was having a totally whacked out nightmare. He'd wake up any second now and find out that they were going to check in at their hotel in San Diego finally.
Only he didn't open his eyes, awake and in a lavish hotel parking lot. He didn't open his eyes at all. The red he hadn't been able to get away from started to fade, but instead of clearness it was replaced with darkness. Pitch black darkness. And then the pain went, too, and there was nothing. Nothing at all.