Characters etc. etc. not mine. Wish they were. Story is. Nuff said.
"Buffy! You're not concentrating!" "I'm SORRY" Buffy spat back at him. Giles was surprised by the vehemence of her words and by the tears which had sprung to her eyes. "Buffy I." He was cut off by a fast right cross to his lowered target pad. The unexpected impact sent his arm out at an awkward angle and he felt something scream in his shoulder as he fell to his knees and the pain made his senses swim.
"Giles.I'm so sorry" As the room phased back in he became aware of Buffy knelt beside him, gingerly placing her hand on his shoulder. "so sorry". This last statement came out as a whispered sob before she sank down on the mat, hands covering her face and raking at her hair. The pain receded as he took in the heart wrenching site infront of him.
"Buffy, what is it?" He asked as gently as possible. "Nothing" She wiped at her face, pulled her hair back into a ponytail, and gave him a defiant look, like a child determined not to show any weakness and prove how grown-up she was. It was enough to wrench Giles' heart even further. He swallowed hard and closed off as much of his frustrated emotion as possible before reaching out to draw her to him.
When Buffy was like this, he knew there was nothing he could do except hold her against him, willing his strength into her until the sobs subsided and she was drained.
But this time she surprised him. Glancing briefly at him, she ignored the proffered hand and instead stood and moved behind him. He felt her hand on his neck.
"Lie down." It was a simple instruction, but her voice held a weight which he could not fathom. He moved forward and laid face down as she had instructed, his arm aching with each movement. She straddled his backside and began to massage his shoulder, moving onto his neck then down his arm.
Her slender fingers worked gently but insistently. As she felt the tensions leave his muscles her focus drifted and she became aware of the man lying prone beneath her.
The ache in his shoulder dulled under her ministrations, he became relaxed and his mind was diverted involuntarily as his body responded to the way her hands had begun to smooth down his back and she rocked against his backside..
She suddenly caught herself and her hands stilled as she tried to quell the fire that was threatening to overwhelm her common sense.
As her hands stopped he froze. She rolled off his back and drew her knees up to her chest defensively. Fearing his body would betray him if he turned over, he raised himself onto his left elbow and twisted toward her.
"Buffy?"
A furtive glance up at him before her eyes returned to a spot about three inches above the floor between them.
What was she thinking? Why had she begun.massaging. his back like that? A sigh escaped him as realization dawned. It was someone rather than something which had been playing on her mind. She had been thinking about some boy, or God forbid, some vampire whilst she had been touching him.
He despised the question with all the pain he knew the answer must bring, but the need to alleviate Buffy's suffering won over as always. "What is it Buffy?"
Why could she never fool Giles? Why did she always end up giving up the act so easily? Well, most of the act anyway.. A shrug of the shoulders was all she could trust herself with.
His own desires buried, 'back where they belong' he thought), he pushed himself to a sitting position opposite her. "Who is he?" He asked as softly as he could, concentrating on not reacting to the answer, instead retrieving his glasses from the chair and polishing them furiously.
She was startled by the question. Giles usually tip-toed around her love- life, obviously not wanting to know which rules she had broken, or the gory details. Afterall, no father liked their daughters boyfriends anyway did they? And that's what Giles felt. A father's love.
"Just someone I know" "Well, it would be a bit odd if you didn't know them. Is it Spike?" "No. It would be simpler if it was." "More complicated than Spike. Oh dear."
She couldn't help but smile at the understatement of his concern. "So who?" "Just a friend" "Alright, you don't want to say. So um, what is the problem?" "Plural" "Sorry" "Plural. ProblemS" "Ah. Well start at the beginning"
What beginning? These feelings didn't seem to have a beginning. They sure as hell didn't feel like they had an end either. "He doesn't see me in that way" "In what way?" "As, you know as." Girlfriend was not the right word. "..as a woman" "What on earth do you mean?" "I suppose he sees me as a child. And as a slayer. Nothing more. Certainly not as a potential." She struggled to get the words out. "A lover?" Giles supplied. "She caught her breath at the phrase, and could only manage a brief nod. "How do you know?" "He's a lot older than me." Giles' heart skipped a beat. "How m-much older? Are we talking t-ten years or m-more like a hundred?" She shook her head, but still could not meet his eye. "He's not a vampire. But it's more than ten. Actually it's more than twenty." "Oh. Oh. Well of course that can complicate the relationship, but if you um, if you really want to, it's er, um, not.insurmountable." "But if he can't look at me as anything but petulant child slayer h" "Buffy if he looks at you and sees a child, he must be partially sighted, or, or, just plain..idiotic!" Giles exclaimed much to Buffy's surprise.
"Do you?" "Do I what?" "How do you see me?" "Well. I-I, um, I err.." "Exactly" "No. No. Buffy, I see you, as, a um, a well you're.you're amazing." Buffy's eyes widened at the unexpected words. "That is, I-I think you are intelligent, um, courageous, honourable, sharp- loving-brave-inconsistent-infuriating-intriguing-wilful-selfless- loving..and um, beautiful." Giles swallowed hard, not quite believing these words had poured forth with such (relative) ease. Bringing his eyes to meet his slayer's face, he saw her expression change from open-mouthed shock to puzzlement, to a smile, to something he could only read as wonder. "You, you really." a smile played across her lips once more "you think I'm beautiful? A-and brave? And intriguing? But Travers..what he said, you.you.." "Oh for heaven's sake Buffy! That was four years ago. You were eighteen. And I never wanted to be your father." "No?" "No. At the time. If anything.. You were a protégé if you like, a, I don't know. But I never saw you as a child, I knew what lay in front of you. At least I thought I did. If you were a mere child how could I have led you into all this? So you see, maybe you're wrong about this man."
Buffy considered his words for a moment and Giles thought he saw a weight lift from her. And it only served to raise his jealousy further.
"So are there any other problems?" Please God let there be something more. Please. The light smile evaporated from Buffy's face. "I don't know how to tell him" she whispered. "Just tell him why he's so special to you..Buffy you are.well any-any man would be mad to turn you down"
"Spike said I came back wrong." "He what?" "He said I came back wrong" Giles Exploded. "Buffy, please don't tell me you actually listened to that, that..bastard?" "He was right" "NO! No he wasn't. Buffy listen to me. You did not come back wrong. You have suffered an unspeakable trauma, I don't honestly know how you've coped as well as you have, hiding the truth from your closest friends and, and, keeping it all together for everyone else. Never giving up on being happy. Never giving up on living. You're still you. You're still my Buffy." He trailed off, suppressing the words coming next.
"Giles, the first time I died, some part of me got left behind. I already had a crush on Angel. And I looked for the missing part, or a way to live without it, in him. He was dead and, and I thought he may understand." "Buffy.." "No Giles, please listen..When I came back this time.I'd been pulled out of heaven and thrown into hell. And this time I lost even more." "And this time you sought it in Spike" Finally. Finally he understood. "Yes. Then when you came back, and , and remember that night I let it all out and you held me. You carried me to bed that night. And when you said goodnight and left me I, .I realized that all the time I'd been looking in the wrong place. When you held me, I felt whole again."
Tears were now streaming down her face. A mixture of relief, fear,, and plain exhaustion working their way from her system. Giles removed his glasses and she saw his eyes swam with emotion at what she had revealed. He held out his hand to her once more, and this time she threw herself into his embrace. He pulled her to him, hugging her fiercly and buried his face in her hair. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry.." he murmured over and over again. She wanted to tell him that it wasn't his fault, that it didn't matter now, that she was alright as long as he was there to hold her. but she could not get the words past the broken sobs which shook her.
They stayed locked together for what seemed like an eternity, then slowly they eased apart. "I should have been here. I was wrong. I thought."
"You haven't put two and two together yet have you?" She smiled at his puzzled expression. "The man I want to be with.you told me to tell him what made him so special. I just did."
A frown creased Giles brow as he took in what she was saying. She couldn't mean..it didn't make sense..why would she want..how..?
She watched his face for reaction, and pulled away gently when shock seemed to settle across those green eyes.
"You mean...you...me?" He asked incredulously, barely more than a whisper. She nodded. She was afraid that if she opened her mouth, she wouldn't be able to shut up again before telling him how she had lusted after him for so long, how in covering that up she knew she had reacted too harshly many times and hurt him, how the realization that she loved him with more than affection, that that love was borne less of the need to fill the missing part of her and more out of pure, inexplicable desire for him above all others. She had begun to spend more time with him. Choosing to use a week of her precious vacation helping him to decorate the dilapidated house he'd bought, and realizing that she loved to be around him, that there was fun to be had in such tasks if you were with the right person, and that the more time she spent with him, the less she could see how she'd ever thought him a stuffy librarian..Oh Giles if only you could see straight into my heart.
"I don't know what to say" He was polishing his glasses again. He was so flustered he kept opening his mouth and closing it again. Buffy realized he wasn't going to sweep her into his arms and kiss her passionately. And it was too late to take it back, to change what she was saying. She'd asked him to be her lover. HUGE mistake. How could she have been such an idiot. He might not see her as a child. But he didn't want her either. And now she was losing her best friend. She felt the world collapsing around her.
"Giles it's okay. I mean you don't feel the same, so, we should um forget it I guess. I'll get over it. It's no big deal really. I.." She grabbed her training bag and ran from the room before the tears spilled.
"Buffy! No. Wait. Please." He ran for the door. but she was gone. Blithering idiot!!! He'd lost her. She told him she wanted him. HIM. And he'd blown it. It was too late. He went back to the training room and took it out on the punch bag until his knuckles were raw and bleeding.
"Hey Buffy.." Buffy shot past the kitchen ignoring Willow's greeting. Willow followed her up the stairs. Buffy was upset or angry. She wasn't sure which, but since it had been she who had brought her friend back from the dead, only to find it was the worst thing she could have done to her, she felt more than a bit responsible for all Buffy's moods.
"Buffy." Willow glanced around the door. Buffy lay in a feotal position sobbing. Her eyes were sore and red. She guessed it wasn't the first time Buffy had cried today. She sat on the edge of the bed and smoothed back the blonde hair. "Hey. What's up?" Buffy's only response was a sarcastic snort. She was still in her training kit.
"Did you fight with Giles?" This only brought fresh sobs. "Buffy talk to me. Please hon, I'm worried..see?" Said Willow doing her best comical worried expression. It didn't work. She hadn't really expected it to.
"I'm such an idiot" "No you're not, why would you think that?" "I told him..Oh God Willow, why did I tell him?" "Tell who what?" Buffy did her best to get a hold of herself. "I told him I loved him. That-that I wanted him..uurrrgh." "Who? ...oh. You told Giles. But, what went wrong?" "He doesn't want me. Oh Willow what have I done?" She looked up at her friend. "Why don't you look shocked?" "What that you're in love with Giles? Come on Buffy, everybody can see it except you two! But I still don't understand what you mean, 'he didn't want you'? Of course he wants you. He's whoop-bang head over heels in love with you." "He's not Willow." "Yes he is. He told me so." "He what?" "In England. We were talking, and I kinda asked him. He is crazy about you. 'I love her so much, and she has no idea of the effect she has on me. I sometimes feel like I'm losing my grip on reality.. and when I lost her I didn't think I could go on' were his precise words." Buffy lost the ability to speak. Or close her mouth.
"Buff, loose jaw- tongue out - it's not a good look hon."
"But, but.when I told him he, he.." "Looked pretty much like you do now. Heehe. You probably shocked the poor guy. He didn't have a clue Buffy."
Willow had no time to make any further explanation because Buffy was off the bed, down the stairs, out the front door and half-way down the road before she had even got another word out.
She stood at the door of the training room watching him. He wasn't aware of her presence. He was too busy muttering obscenities and punching the bag. He sank down to his knees and pulled Buffy's heart right out of her chest in one wearied movement. She noticed his shoulders were shaking, and his hands..Oh his hands were bleeding.
He felt something being wrapped around his hand, and lifted his head, a 'go away' directed at whoever had intruded into his misery. And then he saw her face and she was smiling at him through her tears. The words died on his lips.
She wrapped the towel around his right hand, he looked up at her, about to say something then changed his mind. A weak smile was all she could manage.
NOW! Say it you imbecile! Tell her!...."Buffy..I'm sorry I didn't mean to..I was just shocked..you..I couldn't believe it...I .."
"Shhh." She laid a finger on his lips and then covered them softly with her own. A chaste kiss of understanding. "Willow.explained.."
"Do you really want this?" He couldn't find any other words, he didn't want to risk losing her altogether by indulging a whim. "I've never wanted anything more in my life. Giles you told me to tell you why you were so special to me. That was the best example I could give. But it doesn't even scratch the surface. I love you for everything that you ever did for me. For every time you were everything I needed you to be. But mostly just for being you. For the way your eyes draw me in, for the way you run your hands through your hair when you get exasperated, the way you take such delight in the world even when you know what a disaster it can be..just you."
" I love you so much Buffy. I never dreamed.. never even d-d-dared to hope..when you said that it was m-me you wanted, I felt as though the, the genie had jumped out of the lamp and granted my dearest wish.I was stunned."
She moved against him, running her hands across his chest just as she had on so many nights alone in her bed. He could hold himself in check no longer and tracing the outline of her face with his finger. Pain shot through his shoulder. Punching with a jarred shoulder was not clever.
"Giles, what is.oh your shoulder..I forgot." She touched his shoulder and felt guilty all over again. "It's alright" It clearly wasn't. She didn't know what else to do so she slipped her arms around his waist, lay her head on his chest and held him.
He managed to twist his legs around, pull Buffy to him and lay back on the crash mat behind them using just his left arm this time. She moulded herself against him, her thigh resting between his, her hips tilting against him and her hand pushing up under his t-shirt. Giles moaned softly. Then she was moving again, slithering across until she lay atop him, her fingers traced his brow, his jaw, his lips, she pushed herself up further and loose strands of hair brushed against his ears as she lowered herself to kiss him. As their lips met he felt a shiver run through her and with no conscious thought now to guide him, he brought his hand to the back of her leg, stroking upwards, higher with each movement. Her hips ground at him as the kiss deepened. Her tongue delicately exploring his lips he reached further and pulled her tight against him. She felt him straining against her lower belly, his body tightening as his hand explored the length of her body and she supported herself on one hand arching her back to allow him access to the front as well as the back. Suddenly he stopped. He pulled her t-shirt back down to cover her back, moved his hand demurely to her waist and pulled back from the kiss.
He saw the panic in her eyes and moved his hand up over her back once more to reassure her this was not rejection. Her eyes closed at the sensation. "Buffy..Not here. Not like this." He whispered softly but quickly, lest she misunderstand. "You deserve better. I want..I want to make it as special as you are." A slow smile wound onto her lips and he noticed that for the first time in a long time there was life and emotion in those beautiful eyes.
"Buffy! You're not concentrating!" "I'm SORRY" Buffy spat back at him. Giles was surprised by the vehemence of her words and by the tears which had sprung to her eyes. "Buffy I." He was cut off by a fast right cross to his lowered target pad. The unexpected impact sent his arm out at an awkward angle and he felt something scream in his shoulder as he fell to his knees and the pain made his senses swim.
"Giles.I'm so sorry" As the room phased back in he became aware of Buffy knelt beside him, gingerly placing her hand on his shoulder. "so sorry". This last statement came out as a whispered sob before she sank down on the mat, hands covering her face and raking at her hair. The pain receded as he took in the heart wrenching site infront of him.
"Buffy, what is it?" He asked as gently as possible. "Nothing" She wiped at her face, pulled her hair back into a ponytail, and gave him a defiant look, like a child determined not to show any weakness and prove how grown-up she was. It was enough to wrench Giles' heart even further. He swallowed hard and closed off as much of his frustrated emotion as possible before reaching out to draw her to him.
When Buffy was like this, he knew there was nothing he could do except hold her against him, willing his strength into her until the sobs subsided and she was drained.
But this time she surprised him. Glancing briefly at him, she ignored the proffered hand and instead stood and moved behind him. He felt her hand on his neck.
"Lie down." It was a simple instruction, but her voice held a weight which he could not fathom. He moved forward and laid face down as she had instructed, his arm aching with each movement. She straddled his backside and began to massage his shoulder, moving onto his neck then down his arm.
Her slender fingers worked gently but insistently. As she felt the tensions leave his muscles her focus drifted and she became aware of the man lying prone beneath her.
The ache in his shoulder dulled under her ministrations, he became relaxed and his mind was diverted involuntarily as his body responded to the way her hands had begun to smooth down his back and she rocked against his backside..
She suddenly caught herself and her hands stilled as she tried to quell the fire that was threatening to overwhelm her common sense.
As her hands stopped he froze. She rolled off his back and drew her knees up to her chest defensively. Fearing his body would betray him if he turned over, he raised himself onto his left elbow and twisted toward her.
"Buffy?"
A furtive glance up at him before her eyes returned to a spot about three inches above the floor between them.
What was she thinking? Why had she begun.massaging. his back like that? A sigh escaped him as realization dawned. It was someone rather than something which had been playing on her mind. She had been thinking about some boy, or God forbid, some vampire whilst she had been touching him.
He despised the question with all the pain he knew the answer must bring, but the need to alleviate Buffy's suffering won over as always. "What is it Buffy?"
Why could she never fool Giles? Why did she always end up giving up the act so easily? Well, most of the act anyway.. A shrug of the shoulders was all she could trust herself with.
His own desires buried, 'back where they belong' he thought), he pushed himself to a sitting position opposite her. "Who is he?" He asked as softly as he could, concentrating on not reacting to the answer, instead retrieving his glasses from the chair and polishing them furiously.
She was startled by the question. Giles usually tip-toed around her love- life, obviously not wanting to know which rules she had broken, or the gory details. Afterall, no father liked their daughters boyfriends anyway did they? And that's what Giles felt. A father's love.
"Just someone I know" "Well, it would be a bit odd if you didn't know them. Is it Spike?" "No. It would be simpler if it was." "More complicated than Spike. Oh dear."
She couldn't help but smile at the understatement of his concern. "So who?" "Just a friend" "Alright, you don't want to say. So um, what is the problem?" "Plural" "Sorry" "Plural. ProblemS" "Ah. Well start at the beginning"
What beginning? These feelings didn't seem to have a beginning. They sure as hell didn't feel like they had an end either. "He doesn't see me in that way" "In what way?" "As, you know as." Girlfriend was not the right word. "..as a woman" "What on earth do you mean?" "I suppose he sees me as a child. And as a slayer. Nothing more. Certainly not as a potential." She struggled to get the words out. "A lover?" Giles supplied. "She caught her breath at the phrase, and could only manage a brief nod. "How do you know?" "He's a lot older than me." Giles' heart skipped a beat. "How m-much older? Are we talking t-ten years or m-more like a hundred?" She shook her head, but still could not meet his eye. "He's not a vampire. But it's more than ten. Actually it's more than twenty." "Oh. Oh. Well of course that can complicate the relationship, but if you um, if you really want to, it's er, um, not.insurmountable." "But if he can't look at me as anything but petulant child slayer h" "Buffy if he looks at you and sees a child, he must be partially sighted, or, or, just plain..idiotic!" Giles exclaimed much to Buffy's surprise.
"Do you?" "Do I what?" "How do you see me?" "Well. I-I, um, I err.." "Exactly" "No. No. Buffy, I see you, as, a um, a well you're.you're amazing." Buffy's eyes widened at the unexpected words. "That is, I-I think you are intelligent, um, courageous, honourable, sharp- loving-brave-inconsistent-infuriating-intriguing-wilful-selfless- loving..and um, beautiful." Giles swallowed hard, not quite believing these words had poured forth with such (relative) ease. Bringing his eyes to meet his slayer's face, he saw her expression change from open-mouthed shock to puzzlement, to a smile, to something he could only read as wonder. "You, you really." a smile played across her lips once more "you think I'm beautiful? A-and brave? And intriguing? But Travers..what he said, you.you.." "Oh for heaven's sake Buffy! That was four years ago. You were eighteen. And I never wanted to be your father." "No?" "No. At the time. If anything.. You were a protégé if you like, a, I don't know. But I never saw you as a child, I knew what lay in front of you. At least I thought I did. If you were a mere child how could I have led you into all this? So you see, maybe you're wrong about this man."
Buffy considered his words for a moment and Giles thought he saw a weight lift from her. And it only served to raise his jealousy further.
"So are there any other problems?" Please God let there be something more. Please. The light smile evaporated from Buffy's face. "I don't know how to tell him" she whispered. "Just tell him why he's so special to you..Buffy you are.well any-any man would be mad to turn you down"
"Spike said I came back wrong." "He what?" "He said I came back wrong" Giles Exploded. "Buffy, please don't tell me you actually listened to that, that..bastard?" "He was right" "NO! No he wasn't. Buffy listen to me. You did not come back wrong. You have suffered an unspeakable trauma, I don't honestly know how you've coped as well as you have, hiding the truth from your closest friends and, and, keeping it all together for everyone else. Never giving up on being happy. Never giving up on living. You're still you. You're still my Buffy." He trailed off, suppressing the words coming next.
"Giles, the first time I died, some part of me got left behind. I already had a crush on Angel. And I looked for the missing part, or a way to live without it, in him. He was dead and, and I thought he may understand." "Buffy.." "No Giles, please listen..When I came back this time.I'd been pulled out of heaven and thrown into hell. And this time I lost even more." "And this time you sought it in Spike" Finally. Finally he understood. "Yes. Then when you came back, and , and remember that night I let it all out and you held me. You carried me to bed that night. And when you said goodnight and left me I, .I realized that all the time I'd been looking in the wrong place. When you held me, I felt whole again."
Tears were now streaming down her face. A mixture of relief, fear,, and plain exhaustion working their way from her system. Giles removed his glasses and she saw his eyes swam with emotion at what she had revealed. He held out his hand to her once more, and this time she threw herself into his embrace. He pulled her to him, hugging her fiercly and buried his face in her hair. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry.." he murmured over and over again. She wanted to tell him that it wasn't his fault, that it didn't matter now, that she was alright as long as he was there to hold her. but she could not get the words past the broken sobs which shook her.
They stayed locked together for what seemed like an eternity, then slowly they eased apart. "I should have been here. I was wrong. I thought."
"You haven't put two and two together yet have you?" She smiled at his puzzled expression. "The man I want to be with.you told me to tell him what made him so special. I just did."
A frown creased Giles brow as he took in what she was saying. She couldn't mean..it didn't make sense..why would she want..how..?
She watched his face for reaction, and pulled away gently when shock seemed to settle across those green eyes.
"You mean...you...me?" He asked incredulously, barely more than a whisper. She nodded. She was afraid that if she opened her mouth, she wouldn't be able to shut up again before telling him how she had lusted after him for so long, how in covering that up she knew she had reacted too harshly many times and hurt him, how the realization that she loved him with more than affection, that that love was borne less of the need to fill the missing part of her and more out of pure, inexplicable desire for him above all others. She had begun to spend more time with him. Choosing to use a week of her precious vacation helping him to decorate the dilapidated house he'd bought, and realizing that she loved to be around him, that there was fun to be had in such tasks if you were with the right person, and that the more time she spent with him, the less she could see how she'd ever thought him a stuffy librarian..Oh Giles if only you could see straight into my heart.
"I don't know what to say" He was polishing his glasses again. He was so flustered he kept opening his mouth and closing it again. Buffy realized he wasn't going to sweep her into his arms and kiss her passionately. And it was too late to take it back, to change what she was saying. She'd asked him to be her lover. HUGE mistake. How could she have been such an idiot. He might not see her as a child. But he didn't want her either. And now she was losing her best friend. She felt the world collapsing around her.
"Giles it's okay. I mean you don't feel the same, so, we should um forget it I guess. I'll get over it. It's no big deal really. I.." She grabbed her training bag and ran from the room before the tears spilled.
"Buffy! No. Wait. Please." He ran for the door. but she was gone. Blithering idiot!!! He'd lost her. She told him she wanted him. HIM. And he'd blown it. It was too late. He went back to the training room and took it out on the punch bag until his knuckles were raw and bleeding.
"Hey Buffy.." Buffy shot past the kitchen ignoring Willow's greeting. Willow followed her up the stairs. Buffy was upset or angry. She wasn't sure which, but since it had been she who had brought her friend back from the dead, only to find it was the worst thing she could have done to her, she felt more than a bit responsible for all Buffy's moods.
"Buffy." Willow glanced around the door. Buffy lay in a feotal position sobbing. Her eyes were sore and red. She guessed it wasn't the first time Buffy had cried today. She sat on the edge of the bed and smoothed back the blonde hair. "Hey. What's up?" Buffy's only response was a sarcastic snort. She was still in her training kit.
"Did you fight with Giles?" This only brought fresh sobs. "Buffy talk to me. Please hon, I'm worried..see?" Said Willow doing her best comical worried expression. It didn't work. She hadn't really expected it to.
"I'm such an idiot" "No you're not, why would you think that?" "I told him..Oh God Willow, why did I tell him?" "Tell who what?" Buffy did her best to get a hold of herself. "I told him I loved him. That-that I wanted him..uurrrgh." "Who? ...oh. You told Giles. But, what went wrong?" "He doesn't want me. Oh Willow what have I done?" She looked up at her friend. "Why don't you look shocked?" "What that you're in love with Giles? Come on Buffy, everybody can see it except you two! But I still don't understand what you mean, 'he didn't want you'? Of course he wants you. He's whoop-bang head over heels in love with you." "He's not Willow." "Yes he is. He told me so." "He what?" "In England. We were talking, and I kinda asked him. He is crazy about you. 'I love her so much, and she has no idea of the effect she has on me. I sometimes feel like I'm losing my grip on reality.. and when I lost her I didn't think I could go on' were his precise words." Buffy lost the ability to speak. Or close her mouth.
"Buff, loose jaw- tongue out - it's not a good look hon."
"But, but.when I told him he, he.." "Looked pretty much like you do now. Heehe. You probably shocked the poor guy. He didn't have a clue Buffy."
Willow had no time to make any further explanation because Buffy was off the bed, down the stairs, out the front door and half-way down the road before she had even got another word out.
She stood at the door of the training room watching him. He wasn't aware of her presence. He was too busy muttering obscenities and punching the bag. He sank down to his knees and pulled Buffy's heart right out of her chest in one wearied movement. She noticed his shoulders were shaking, and his hands..Oh his hands were bleeding.
He felt something being wrapped around his hand, and lifted his head, a 'go away' directed at whoever had intruded into his misery. And then he saw her face and she was smiling at him through her tears. The words died on his lips.
She wrapped the towel around his right hand, he looked up at her, about to say something then changed his mind. A weak smile was all she could manage.
NOW! Say it you imbecile! Tell her!...."Buffy..I'm sorry I didn't mean to..I was just shocked..you..I couldn't believe it...I .."
"Shhh." She laid a finger on his lips and then covered them softly with her own. A chaste kiss of understanding. "Willow.explained.."
"Do you really want this?" He couldn't find any other words, he didn't want to risk losing her altogether by indulging a whim. "I've never wanted anything more in my life. Giles you told me to tell you why you were so special to me. That was the best example I could give. But it doesn't even scratch the surface. I love you for everything that you ever did for me. For every time you were everything I needed you to be. But mostly just for being you. For the way your eyes draw me in, for the way you run your hands through your hair when you get exasperated, the way you take such delight in the world even when you know what a disaster it can be..just you."
" I love you so much Buffy. I never dreamed.. never even d-d-dared to hope..when you said that it was m-me you wanted, I felt as though the, the genie had jumped out of the lamp and granted my dearest wish.I was stunned."
She moved against him, running her hands across his chest just as she had on so many nights alone in her bed. He could hold himself in check no longer and tracing the outline of her face with his finger. Pain shot through his shoulder. Punching with a jarred shoulder was not clever.
"Giles, what is.oh your shoulder..I forgot." She touched his shoulder and felt guilty all over again. "It's alright" It clearly wasn't. She didn't know what else to do so she slipped her arms around his waist, lay her head on his chest and held him.
He managed to twist his legs around, pull Buffy to him and lay back on the crash mat behind them using just his left arm this time. She moulded herself against him, her thigh resting between his, her hips tilting against him and her hand pushing up under his t-shirt. Giles moaned softly. Then she was moving again, slithering across until she lay atop him, her fingers traced his brow, his jaw, his lips, she pushed herself up further and loose strands of hair brushed against his ears as she lowered herself to kiss him. As their lips met he felt a shiver run through her and with no conscious thought now to guide him, he brought his hand to the back of her leg, stroking upwards, higher with each movement. Her hips ground at him as the kiss deepened. Her tongue delicately exploring his lips he reached further and pulled her tight against him. She felt him straining against her lower belly, his body tightening as his hand explored the length of her body and she supported herself on one hand arching her back to allow him access to the front as well as the back. Suddenly he stopped. He pulled her t-shirt back down to cover her back, moved his hand demurely to her waist and pulled back from the kiss.
He saw the panic in her eyes and moved his hand up over her back once more to reassure her this was not rejection. Her eyes closed at the sensation. "Buffy..Not here. Not like this." He whispered softly but quickly, lest she misunderstand. "You deserve better. I want..I want to make it as special as you are." A slow smile wound onto her lips and he noticed that for the first time in a long time there was life and emotion in those beautiful eyes.