"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too-even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling."- Mitch Albom
As Steve glanced up he caught sight of the red head, in a despondent like trance, a dead look in her stare conveyed an unfocused Natasha. Something which he had never beheld before, and incited a feeling of uneasiness and unrest. Natasha was unlike any woman he had ever met, her resilience and strength emanated from every particle of her being, and it had become somewhat of a comfort. Whenever he felt out of depth or uneasy, he looked to her for the steadiness that grounded him, and made him at ease within a time he was not born into. She was his anchor in a storm of technology, war and chaos in the modern age. Therefore this aura of a woman out of character prompted him to question the source of this disturbance, something that was rarely contemplated when it came to Natasha,
"You ok?" The sound of Steve entering the room had drawn her from her thoughts, and she resumed towelling her hair,
"Yeah." However he noted an unconvincing waver in her delivery of her response, and she tried to cut off any further conversation by averting her gaze back to the spot she had been staring at previously. He was used to the iron walls that Natasha frequently built, however the weakness in her voice alerted him further to the need to pry. He continued drying his hands, shifting the towel from one hand to the next in preparation for his next approach, before finally flinging it on to the floor of the bathroom, and with a sigh stepping into the room. With, what Natasha regarded as an intrusive move, he crossed the space between them, her eyes flickered up to him and her brow creased as she prepared herself for the discomfort that this conversation would surely bring.
As he sat down, bringing his face to her level, the crease in her brow eased, and although she felt disgusted at how vulnerable she was right now, his close proximity brought with it a feeling of serenity and calm which she welcomed. She would never admit to anyone, but Steve brought something that she rarely encountered, a sense of virtue and innocence that within this world of darkness gave her light and hope when she felt she had truly lost herself. When she truly thought that she was consumed by the dripping red, that was her ledger a gentle smile bestowed by Rodgers guided her out of the shadows that haunted her. She was reminded that within the ocean of blood, murder and vengeance, that the ever-forgiving light of the stars would guide her to safety. He was the constellation, that pulled her from the murky depths of obscurity.
His crystal blue eyes, met hers of stormy grey as he softly ushered,
"What's going on?" And in that instant she felt the walls that had guarded her so well for all these years, disintegrate and a swell within her chest pushed against the walls of her heart. As if despite the limitations of her mind, biologically her body needed to share a part of her with him, whether she consented or not. He patiently waited for her response not pushing not pulling, no expectations just concern. After a brief moment she pulled herself back to the present,
"When I first joined S.H.I.E.L.D. I thought that I was going straight." She nodded her head in affirmation, as if to confirm to herself that it was the right thing to do. It also brought with it a sense of control, something she felt little of in this instance. Yet again he noted her eyes wonder out the window, as if to avoid the confrontation that was occurring, something which concerned him greatly as it was often Natasha who relished confrontation,
"But I guess I just traded in the KGB for Hydra." She hushed as her eyes glided back Steve, before she gently lowered her gaze in shame. How could she a woman built on lies, have the audacity to stare into the face of a man sculpted by honour and truth. A sigh leaked from her lips, as her heart pounded,
"I thought I knew whose lies I was telling but..." She shook her head, a half-hearted smirk forming across her face as she tried to build a shield from the remnants of her walls, before her eyes finally reached his,
"I guess I can't tell the difference anymore."
"There's a chance you might be in the wrong business." An echo of what she had said in the car briefly shocked her before a smile crept upon her face. Steve was glad he had chosen to crack a joke; he felt that the weight of the conversation had increased by tenfold. Plus on the rare occasions that Natasha smiled, she positively glowed, and right now that was the only thing he could do to ease the betrayal they both felt.
As she averted her gaze to his tender smile, she felt the weight of all her lies collapse on her. All her life lies had kept her safe and made her feel in control, and now she had found out that in fact lies had also lead her into the uncertainty that was the present. Her lies had fabricated her very being, and now she felt them slacking and unravelling at an alarming rate. The man presented before her, who personified truth and valour had in fact saved her from the peril of deception, another debt she felt she would never be able to repay. With that lingering thought she was brought to the present with a violent slam to the realisation that Steve had saved her without knowing a single slice of truth about her,
"I owe you." She uttered, he firmly shook his head in response,
"It's okay." She now felt that this was time to ask the question that had started to eat away at her, an itch she could never scratch,
"If it was the other way round, and it was down to me to save your life. You be honest with me... would you trust me to do it?" Their stares bore into each other. Natasha enraptured by the wonderment of how this man could ever trust her, and how he could ever find something within her that was worth saving. Steve on the other hand was stunned by her question, this conversation had already unearthed more from the red head than he thought possible, and he could not deny that there were many moments when he distrusted her judgement and decisions. But they were still alive, and she had been a significant part of that,
"I would now." He stated. Natasha felt all the tension in her muscles release and felt a fluttering in her stomach which she quickly put pain to. She had no time to feel, nor did she deserve it. She didn't deserve the trust and friendship this man bestowed and offered, and she knew she never would. Steve leaned forward lightly tapping her knee playfully with his hand as he smirked and said,
"And I'm always honest." She let a grin creep across her face; a grin that Steve wished was a permanent fixture as it ignited a sparkle in her eyes that captured his heart and twisted it ever so slowly, inducing a relenting but addictive ache, that he craved. He dared not to interrupt this moment between them but inexplicably found his hand moving upwards to cup her face. Their eyes never broke focus from each other and Steve was surprised to see that Natasha didn't flinch from his touch, as his thumb gently stroked the contour of her cheek. Natasha was surprised to find her hand had wrapped itself around Steve's other hand that was placed in his lap, the yearning throughout her body betrayed her emotional defences and she felt herself fall into his touch,
"I made breakfast... if you guys need that sort of thing." Sam abruptly announced. They had ripped apart from each other as soon as they heard Sam's footsteps approaching, and now all that remained was the slight heat that radiated from each other's touch and the unforgiving loss they both now felt.