Disclaimer: Clover is by Clamp. Not mine at all.
Kibou (Wish)
by Miyamoto Yui
Prologue - Yume wa hounto ni yume desu ka?
(Prologue - A dream is really a dream?)
~Yume?~
(~Dream?~)
Ring. Ring.
My heart beat a little bit faster than usual. I always felt like this though. I knew what I was doing was wrong.
But it couldn't be too wrong if Grandmother Kou let me, ne?
I wasn't...
I convinced myself that it was so.
"Hai?" the familiar voice answered.
And all the flood of nervousness slipped away as I answered, "Suu desu."
"Ah, Suu," Oruha confirmed. But I could hear the slight smile in her voice.
Ever since the incident of being mistaken for a prank call, I was always relieved to find that she didn't hold it against me.
Oruha wouldn't...
I guess, because I had always been alone, I was always scared of being turned away. I had built up my courage to say hi because I didn't want her to let me go too.
Isn't it silly to think that you base your whole life on a single phone call?
And yet, I did...
"How are you?" she asked as I heard her unzip something.
"Fine."
And the conversation went on like that. The usual, 'what did you do today' and the like.
But my answer was always the same. Though it was hard to hold myself back, I managed pretty well. My heart felt like a hole and all this air was being sucked in with no apparent sign of stopping. And yet, I felt happy that I could smile because there was someone to talk to.
I always answered back differently though it was difficult.
Especially when you thought for hours after that, "I wish I could do the things you do."
For me, Oruha's day was my day too. Whatever she did, she would let me share in it. She'd give me such detailed descriptions that I could have been there myself.
She never seemed surprised that I asked such strange questions. I haven't gone out in so long that I've forgotten what things are 'real'.
Sometimes I think I'm a robot myself. Living here for so long by myself and surrounded by artificial things...
...am I artificial too?
Am I real at all?
Living so long here...
I've forgotten once in a while...
~Four-leaf clover ni naritai...~
(~I want to be a four leaf clover~)
Oruha started to giggle as she tried to say that Kazuhiko had gotten a bit jealous when a little boy had given her a flower. It was all in fun, but some part of him cringed and she somehow loved the attention.
The care.
It was the deep care he gave to her that she loved so much more than all the presents or all the words he had ever said to her.
It were the unspoken things...
These unspoken things were the existence of my own song.
The bird's song of sorrow. A silent one that can never be sung.
Ever.
"Oruha?" I asked while blinking my eyes and looking out of my cage of a room.
"Yes?" she said with her usual twinkling voice.
I blurted out, "Do you dream?"
"Do I dream?" she repeated to herself.
"I've always wanted to ask you."
"What do you mean by dream?" Oruha asked me curiously. "There are lots of ways to dream."
"There are?"
I didn't know that.
Have I been locked up for so long that I've stored those things far away from my heart and mind too?
I became silent.
"Yes, there are. There are the ones you make with your heart. Then there are ones you say aloud. There are even ones when you're awake. There are ones when you go to sleep and go to a different place."
I could hear her smiling at the phone, but then, her voice dropped a bit in tone. "It's like a wish that you want so much. But, you don't know if it'll ever come true."
"Tell me about these dreams or wishes, Oruha."
"Well, the ones you make with your heart, those are the ones you never say. These are the ones that sometimes you have to realize them. The ones you say aloud are the ones that you can't help but want.
Then, there are ones when you're awake. They're called daydreams. You could be thinking about something while you're doing something else. Like if I think of being held by Kazuhiko while I'm singing on stage...
The most interesting ones are the ones when you're sleeping. These are also things called dreams. When you go to sleep, you go to a different time and place. You can be in the beach and talk to someone but it's all in your mind. And then you wake up."
Silence.
"I'll have to wake up someday, now won't I, Suu?"
She then mumbled unhappily, "I can never be Kazuhiko's four-leaf clover..."
"Oh..."
I wanted to shake my head.
Again, there was silence.
My eyes blinked and before I knew it, I softly whispered, "You wouldn't want to be a four-leaf clover."
"Why?" Her voice began to quiver a little. That's all she could ask me.
"It's lonely."
"Suu?"
"Excuse me, Oruha. But I'll talk to you later. Thanks for speaking with me!" I said in one breath.
Then, I put my hands to my face as the tears began to slip through the crevices of my hands. Like a river, they flowed continuously onto my white dress.
You don't want to be a four leaf clover.
If you only knew...
I want a dream.
I want to dream.
To be able to go to a different place and time.
What was she talking about? I only asked because she mentioned it in her song.
Was a dream like the way I felt when you sang? With your beautiful voice, you took me to a dream?
Didn't your voice take me to somewhere I could never reach? Outside of these golden wires that they thought would keep me here?
I was physically here, but my spirit was floating out there. All that was left was a shell.
I was just a shell of something resembling a human...
Then, I stopped crying. As the birds chirped in front of me to ask why I was this way, I shook my head and wiped my face with the back of my hands.
~Tori no kanashii uta~
(~The bird's song of sorrow'~)
That's what I am.
A caged bird...
The one with beautiful wings...
I lifted my hands and closed my eyes.
Then, I began to sing myself without thinking:
"A long time ago
I made a promise
to lock myself so far away
so deep inside
that I'd never come out again.
I lost myself
while I was wide awake.
The sky was torn from me
and all I see is a white ceiling.
I see these birds that sing
but never really sing a tune.
I touch my skin
and wonder if it's fake.
Is an illusion made real
when you start to believe it?
I don't understand.
Tell me.
Teach me.
Tell me that I bleed
like you too.
A long time ago
I used to laugh
when I ran around thinking
I could touch the sky,
only to have it fall on me.
I lost my innocence
while I was watching myself
deteriorate before my eyes
and all I can walk around is a tile floor.
Is a dream made fake
when you fail to make it true?
I understand now.
Whisper to me.
Don't teach me.
Tell me that I cry
like you too.
A long time ago
I made a promise...
A promise I wish I never made
If I had died then,
I would have lived.
For now,
I'm just here,
waiting patiently...
To fly somewhere.
Anywhere to get away.
To get away from my
torn heart.
(whisper)
Is an illusion made real
when you start to believe it?
I don't understand.
Tell me.
Teach me.
Tell me that I bleed
like you too.
I know I do.
I know I did.
Tell me that I bleed
like you too..."
Then, everything began to become blurry again. I hung my hand as my wings branched out wanting to breathe as much as I myself did.
I couldn't sing anymore. It hurt too much.
Singing...
it is my dream?
"How do you make your songs?" I had asked once.
"These are the dreams I can never say, Suu." she had answered.
Barely audible, I say with the echoes reaching back to my ears, "Thank you...I understand now, Oruha."
I know what it is to dream...
But why is my heart cringing more deep inside of me?
To be continued.
--
Author's note: This came to me while I was in one of my seminars. I guess it was because I was thinking, "If I were Suu, what would I ask Oruha?"
Weirdly...this was pretty easy to make...
Kibou (Wish)
by Miyamoto Yui
Prologue - Yume wa hounto ni yume desu ka?
(Prologue - A dream is really a dream?)
~Yume?~
(~Dream?~)
Ring. Ring.
My heart beat a little bit faster than usual. I always felt like this though. I knew what I was doing was wrong.
But it couldn't be too wrong if Grandmother Kou let me, ne?
I wasn't...
I convinced myself that it was so.
"Hai?" the familiar voice answered.
And all the flood of nervousness slipped away as I answered, "Suu desu."
"Ah, Suu," Oruha confirmed. But I could hear the slight smile in her voice.
Ever since the incident of being mistaken for a prank call, I was always relieved to find that she didn't hold it against me.
Oruha wouldn't...
I guess, because I had always been alone, I was always scared of being turned away. I had built up my courage to say hi because I didn't want her to let me go too.
Isn't it silly to think that you base your whole life on a single phone call?
And yet, I did...
"How are you?" she asked as I heard her unzip something.
"Fine."
And the conversation went on like that. The usual, 'what did you do today' and the like.
But my answer was always the same. Though it was hard to hold myself back, I managed pretty well. My heart felt like a hole and all this air was being sucked in with no apparent sign of stopping. And yet, I felt happy that I could smile because there was someone to talk to.
I always answered back differently though it was difficult.
Especially when you thought for hours after that, "I wish I could do the things you do."
For me, Oruha's day was my day too. Whatever she did, she would let me share in it. She'd give me such detailed descriptions that I could have been there myself.
She never seemed surprised that I asked such strange questions. I haven't gone out in so long that I've forgotten what things are 'real'.
Sometimes I think I'm a robot myself. Living here for so long by myself and surrounded by artificial things...
...am I artificial too?
Am I real at all?
Living so long here...
I've forgotten once in a while...
~Four-leaf clover ni naritai...~
(~I want to be a four leaf clover~)
Oruha started to giggle as she tried to say that Kazuhiko had gotten a bit jealous when a little boy had given her a flower. It was all in fun, but some part of him cringed and she somehow loved the attention.
The care.
It was the deep care he gave to her that she loved so much more than all the presents or all the words he had ever said to her.
It were the unspoken things...
These unspoken things were the existence of my own song.
The bird's song of sorrow. A silent one that can never be sung.
Ever.
"Oruha?" I asked while blinking my eyes and looking out of my cage of a room.
"Yes?" she said with her usual twinkling voice.
I blurted out, "Do you dream?"
"Do I dream?" she repeated to herself.
"I've always wanted to ask you."
"What do you mean by dream?" Oruha asked me curiously. "There are lots of ways to dream."
"There are?"
I didn't know that.
Have I been locked up for so long that I've stored those things far away from my heart and mind too?
I became silent.
"Yes, there are. There are the ones you make with your heart. Then there are ones you say aloud. There are even ones when you're awake. There are ones when you go to sleep and go to a different place."
I could hear her smiling at the phone, but then, her voice dropped a bit in tone. "It's like a wish that you want so much. But, you don't know if it'll ever come true."
"Tell me about these dreams or wishes, Oruha."
"Well, the ones you make with your heart, those are the ones you never say. These are the ones that sometimes you have to realize them. The ones you say aloud are the ones that you can't help but want.
Then, there are ones when you're awake. They're called daydreams. You could be thinking about something while you're doing something else. Like if I think of being held by Kazuhiko while I'm singing on stage...
The most interesting ones are the ones when you're sleeping. These are also things called dreams. When you go to sleep, you go to a different time and place. You can be in the beach and talk to someone but it's all in your mind. And then you wake up."
Silence.
"I'll have to wake up someday, now won't I, Suu?"
She then mumbled unhappily, "I can never be Kazuhiko's four-leaf clover..."
"Oh..."
I wanted to shake my head.
Again, there was silence.
My eyes blinked and before I knew it, I softly whispered, "You wouldn't want to be a four-leaf clover."
"Why?" Her voice began to quiver a little. That's all she could ask me.
"It's lonely."
"Suu?"
"Excuse me, Oruha. But I'll talk to you later. Thanks for speaking with me!" I said in one breath.
Then, I put my hands to my face as the tears began to slip through the crevices of my hands. Like a river, they flowed continuously onto my white dress.
You don't want to be a four leaf clover.
If you only knew...
I want a dream.
I want to dream.
To be able to go to a different place and time.
What was she talking about? I only asked because she mentioned it in her song.
Was a dream like the way I felt when you sang? With your beautiful voice, you took me to a dream?
Didn't your voice take me to somewhere I could never reach? Outside of these golden wires that they thought would keep me here?
I was physically here, but my spirit was floating out there. All that was left was a shell.
I was just a shell of something resembling a human...
Then, I stopped crying. As the birds chirped in front of me to ask why I was this way, I shook my head and wiped my face with the back of my hands.
~Tori no kanashii uta~
(~The bird's song of sorrow'~)
That's what I am.
A caged bird...
The one with beautiful wings...
I lifted my hands and closed my eyes.
Then, I began to sing myself without thinking:
"A long time ago
I made a promise
to lock myself so far away
so deep inside
that I'd never come out again.
I lost myself
while I was wide awake.
The sky was torn from me
and all I see is a white ceiling.
I see these birds that sing
but never really sing a tune.
I touch my skin
and wonder if it's fake.
Is an illusion made real
when you start to believe it?
I don't understand.
Tell me.
Teach me.
Tell me that I bleed
like you too.
A long time ago
I used to laugh
when I ran around thinking
I could touch the sky,
only to have it fall on me.
I lost my innocence
while I was watching myself
deteriorate before my eyes
and all I can walk around is a tile floor.
Is a dream made fake
when you fail to make it true?
I understand now.
Whisper to me.
Don't teach me.
Tell me that I cry
like you too.
A long time ago
I made a promise...
A promise I wish I never made
If I had died then,
I would have lived.
For now,
I'm just here,
waiting patiently...
To fly somewhere.
Anywhere to get away.
To get away from my
torn heart.
(whisper)
Is an illusion made real
when you start to believe it?
I don't understand.
Tell me.
Teach me.
Tell me that I bleed
like you too.
I know I do.
I know I did.
Tell me that I bleed
like you too..."
Then, everything began to become blurry again. I hung my hand as my wings branched out wanting to breathe as much as I myself did.
I couldn't sing anymore. It hurt too much.
Singing...
it is my dream?
"How do you make your songs?" I had asked once.
"These are the dreams I can never say, Suu." she had answered.
Barely audible, I say with the echoes reaching back to my ears, "Thank you...I understand now, Oruha."
I know what it is to dream...
But why is my heart cringing more deep inside of me?
To be continued.
--
Author's note: This came to me while I was in one of my seminars. I guess it was because I was thinking, "If I were Suu, what would I ask Oruha?"
Weirdly...this was pretty easy to make...