Subtrahend
Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion.
/\/\/\/\
- 4 years
"Hello," the boy mumbled with a modest bow. "My name is Shinji Ikari. I'm thirteen years old."
He was small and slight. His eyes were fixed on the floor. The class paid him attention with polite derision. He was a circus freak out of his cage to be pitied and gawked at. He balled his fists.
"I believe there's a free seat in the third row in front of Suzahara," the teacher said from the podium at the head of the class, craning his neck. "Suzahara! Raise your hand. And get your feet off the desk."
A tall boy in a tracksuit obeyed with a sigh, swinging his legs to the floor. "Yo, new kid. Welcome to the end of happiness, otherwise known as the Hakone public school system."
"Suzahara," the teacher warned. He was a hunched, grey old man, perpetually squinting his eyes. "Don't bring your negative influence to someone with a clean slate."
"Sir, yes, sir."
Shinji moved down the aisle, doing his best to ignore the whispers that had accompanied him since he entered the school. He gave a brief bow to the boy behind his desk and sat.
"Ikari, I'll give you extra time to get yourself up to speed by the end of the week," the teacher said. "Now, everyone, open your History text files to page 67…"
Hikari Horaki dutifully obeyed. She held her hands over her desk's laptop keyboard, poised to begin taking notes, and glanced about her. Most of the class decided not to emulate her studiousness. Her friend Asuka was idly brutalizing a portable game system behind her laptop screen. Hikari spotted Kensuke Aida looking far too enthusiastic about whatever was on his own screen. She chanced a peek behind her and saw Toji Suzahara asleep on his keyboard.
When I'm Class Representative, she thought, things are going to be different.
She was about to turn back when she saw the new boy Shinji slowly reach around his terminal and disconnect the network cable, isolating him from the rest of the school. Hikari raised an eyebrow.
"Hey!" a thin girl near him hissed. "If you don't want to answer us then just say so, you little creep!"
The boy did not respond.
"Well, Shinji is as wimpy as ever," Asuka said as soon as classes ended, rolling her eyes.
"You know him?" Hikari asked, leaning close.
"Our parents worked in the same lab, way back when. That defunct GEHIRN place. After it went under I moved back to Germany for a few years and we lost touch. We weren't really friends. We were just forced into close proximity. We were like, I don't know, seven or eight, maybe."
Hikari turned in her seat to find him. He was collecting his belongings, ignoring several classmates around him peppering him with questions. He made his way to the door with his head down. A few students spat disparaging names after him.
"There are already all sorts of rumors swirling around him," Asuka was saying, "even before he arrived."
"What do you mean?"
"You really don't pay attention to gossip, do you? I don't know the details," she went on, already sounding bored, "but it has to do with his mom going nuts and killing herself. Or something. Some say she was murdered by a boyfriend. Who knows. The fact is she's dead. End of story."
"Poor Ikari." Hikari was five when her mother died; she barely remembered her.
"Yeah. I think his mom was pretty. At least, that's what people at the lab said. I remember his dad was a jerk, though."
"And Ikari is living with him?"
"Why don't you just talk to him yourself?"
"I can't go up to him and ask all this. It's impolite."
"And talking behind his back isn't? Why are you so interested in him anyway?"
"I'm running for Class Representative," Hikari stated. "It'll be part of my job to look after troubled students."
"Troubled," Asuka repeated absently. She sighed it away. "I have to get going. Mama's on the warpath again about God knows what."
"Maybe about work?"
"It's always about work." Asuka rose from her desk and grabbed her satchel. "See you tomorrow."
"See you."
Hikari watched Asuka leave, then began her duties cleaning up the classroom. She helped two other students wash the blackboard, sweep the floors, wipe down the desks and make sure all the teaching aids were returned to their rightful places.
She was cleaning off the new boy's, Shinji's, desk, when she noticed the network cable was still unplugged. She snapped it back into the socket. She tried not to think about how lost he looked.
/\/\/\/\
- 3 3/4 years
Hikari walked back from the incinerators on the hill above the school. Garbage duty was her least favorite classroom chore but it had to be done. Volunteering also showed her commitment to the school which she hoped would help secure her a position as Class Representative. And having a good example never hurt the student body.
She turned the corner of the gym and saw someone sitting on the dusty ground of the narrow passageway between the school and the supply shed. She spied the bright flash of blood as the person ran a hand over his mouth. Hikari inched forward.
"Ikari?" she asked quietly.
Shinji looked up, still wiping the blood from his lip on his forearm. He shot her a questioning look.
"Oh, I-I'm Horaki. I'm in your class." She offered him a hand up. "We should get you to the nurse's office."
Shinji stared at the hand for a long moment. Finally he stood on his own. His legs shook. "I'm okay," he whispered.
"Don't lie." Hikari bit her lip. She decided. "Come on." She grabbed his clean wrist and pulled him back towards the school. He stumbled after her, but did not resist.
They reached the nurse's station, a small room tucked by the faculty offices. They heard voices drift through the walls.
"I forgot. There's a staff meeting this afternoon." Hikari turned to Shinji. "Sorry. I could, um, I could help you instead. I'm not as good as a nurse, but…" She tried a smile on him and he shrugged. She took it as consent and led him in.
She sat him down on a stool near the faucet. She wet a cloth to clear the blood first. His lip and cheek were purple and tender. He winced as she washed him.
"Sorry. There's going to be some swelling," she told him as she worked. She set to clean the dried blood from his forearm. "What happened?" she finally asked.
Shinji was silent.
"I could take you to the principal's office if you want," Hikari offered.
Shinji was silent.
"Nothing will change if you don't say anything."
"It's okay," he said at length. He ran a hand over his cleaned arm. "I'm used to it."
She finished in silence. Shinji stared at the ground.
"Thank you," he said, still looking away.
"Of course. Glad to help." Hikari replaced everything she used and threw the bloody cloth away. She stayed by the garbage can, fumbling with her hands. "I still think you should tell someone. It isn't right to get beaten up."
"I know." He slid off the stool and ambled to the door. "Thank you again, Ms. Horaki."
He left before she could tell him to call her Hikari.
/\/\/\/\
- 3 1/2 years
The wood of the cello looked orange in the afternoon twilight. The bow sawed back and forth over the strings in slow, practiced sweeps. Without accompaniment it was somber and lonely.
Hikari stood by the doorway of the Band room listening to Shinji force Bach from a cello. He waited until the rest of the students abandoned the building before taking up the instrument. Hikari had heard the low strains from the courtyard as she exited after finishing some extra work for her science teacher after school and turned back. The song was too forlorn to leave alone.
The melody faltered with a sour note and Shinji abruptly stopped playing with a screech of strings. He stayed still for a long moment. The bow hung limply in his hand.
Shinji flung the bow across the room. It hit the floor and clattered into the far wall below the window. He slumped in his chair, bringing his free hand up to cover his face. His shoulders trembled. He shook his head.
"Mother."
His hand curled into a claw, then a fist, then dropped to his side. Shinji pulled himself up and retrieved the bow, then carefully put it and the cello away where he found them. He folded up his chair and set it against the wall.
Hikari hurried away, suddenly embarrassed at spying. She did not hear him leave the Band room.
/\/\/\/\
- 3 1/4 years
Hikari sat alone at her desk. It was lunch and Asuka was absent. She called in sick but Hikari knew better; it was the second day of her period and she must be refusing to leave bed again. Her mother never pressed the issue when Asuka demanded these respites. Hikari hated to think she was giving her friend special treatment by facilitating delinquency and preferred to rationalize it as a safer, quieter arrangement for everyone involved, in class or otherwise.
It was a sunny, breezy day and most students opted to eat outside. The few that stayed indoors formed a study group in the back to prepare for the upcoming algebra test. And then there was Shinji, who simply did not have friends.
Hikari occasionally injected herself into various groups during lunch breaks as Class Representative in order to facilitate better relations with the class. Most didn't mind and she was on good enough terms with each student to avoid personal conflicts. They appreciated her willingness to help with assignments and as a useful intermediary with the teachers.
She left Shinji alone since she was appointed, unsure how to approach him. His grades were decent enough to avoid intervention and he was so quiet he made her nervous. Asuka had also been less than enthusiastic about his sudden reappearance in her life.
But she was Class Representative, she reminded herself, and if anyone needed help being represented in class, it was Shinji. She got out of her seat and walked over to him.
"Hello, Ikari," she said with a careful smile.
"Oh, um, hello?" He glanced about, searching for an escape route.
"I'm Horaki, remember?"
"Y-Yeah. Can I help you?"
"Could I eat with you today?"
Shinji looked genuinely pained. "I… I, um, why?"
"As Class Representative I like to keep on good terms with everyone." She saw his face and body shift. "A-And I thought it might be nice. We haven't really talked since, ah, that one time."
She thought he was going to simply ignore her until he finally mumbled: "If you want."
"Great." Hikari quickly pulled a chair up to his desk and sat. This was probably the first time anyone ate lunch with him in school, she realized. He looked like he was almost ready to cry.
Hikari cast about for topics to engage him in; TV, movies, books, music, even schoolwork. He answered with polite reserve, staying confined to the shortest reply possible to respond to her questions and keep her from pursuing any one subject beyond trivialities. His eyes never met hers.
"Ikari," she said, "you're not in trouble or anything." Something like a revelation struck her in the back of the head. "I'm not here on official business. I just thought it might be nice to get to know you better. Is that okay?"
He nodded vaguely, still looking away. They ate in silence.
"Congratulations," Shinji said to her as the lunch period wore on. "You won the election for class representative."
"I wouldn't exactly call it an election," she chuckled. "I was the only one who wanted the job."
"Oh. Still, it was something you wanted, right?"
She smiled at him. "That looks really good," she said, nodding at his bento. "Who made it?"
A blush flowed over his face. "I-I made it."
"Really? I'm impressed." Hikari laughed softly and displayed her own lunch. "Mine looks so plain next to yours."
"N-No, that's not true. Yours is great. It's just today is sort of a special occasion. I, ah, I make lunch for my stepsister, too, and today is her birthday. I wanted to do something nice for her. She doesn't talk much and, I mean, she doesn't say thanks for the meals but she eats them, so…" Shinji glanced up from his desk and found Hikari intently following his every word. He went red again. "Sorry. I'm probably boring you."
"Not at all. How old is your stepsister?"
"Ten. Her name's Rei."
Hikari giggled. "Is she cute?"
"She's…" Shinji debated his words. "Unique."
The bell for the end of lunch rang. Shinji looked startled. Hikari stood and replaced the chair she borrowed, feeling oddly pitying. She turned back to Shinji and let him have one last smile.
"This was nice," she said. "If you ever want to eat with me again, just ask, okay?"
He never asked.
/\/\/\/\
- 3 1/6 years
Hikari asked Asuka to ask Shinji to her fourteenth birthday party. She was too nervous to ask him herself. Shinji had so far proven disinterested and incompetent when interacting with his peers. Asuka had the benefits of knowing him previously and being unfailingly confident in everything she did.
"I had to twist his arm but he said okay," Asuka reported back. "It's like pulling teeth with him."
Shinji needed some positive social interaction outside school, Hikari decided, and a party was an excellent opportunity. If someone initiated and made an effort he was a nice boy to talk to. She knew he played the cello and hardly a day went by he didn't spend time with an old SDAT so he had musical aspirations that could make for an interesting conversation. Hikari would help him.
Her house was big enough to accommodate her friends plus all the friends Asuka invited to, as she put it, "have a real party." Her sisters and father had the grace and common sense to vacate before it began, trusting her to keep things under control. The crowd was well-mannered despite its size, although they had gotten progressively louder as the night wore on.
Hikari recognized most of them from school, some from the Academy on the east side of town, and some she never saw before. A few looked too old to attend a fourteen-year-old's party. Asuka vouched for all of them, but after several wished her a "happy birthday, Yukari" she had her doubts.
The party was well under way when the doorbell rang and Hikari found Shinji on her front steps looking extraordinarily distressed.
"Happy birthday, Ms. Horaki," he said, blushing in discomfort and averting his eyes. He thrust forward a small wrapped box. "Sorry. I didn't know what to get you."
She smiled. He was wearing a tie. "You didn't have to get me anything. I know it was kind of last minute."
"About time you showed up," Asuka complained, appearing beside her. "I said six-thirty. It's almost quarter after seven. Where were you?"
He looked away. "Sorry."
"Yeah, yeah. You're always apologizing without meaning it."
"It's fine," Hikari said, holding up her hands. "Really. You're here now and that's what matters." She blushed at how that sounded.
Asuka groaned after Shinji just stood in the doorway. "Hey, stupid Shinji. You're supposed to compliment a girl when she's wearing a dress, you know."
"Oh. Right. You look very nice."
"Not me! Idiot! Compliment Hikari! It's her birthday."
"S-Sorry. You look very nice, Ms. Horaki."
Asuka covered her eyes and shook her head. "Idiot."
Hikari smiled again and thanked him. She was wearing a simple armless dress with wide straps, cut below the knee. It was the fanciest thing in her wardrobe. Shinji was the first person to compliment her in it.
She invited him in. He looked slightly ill at the size of the crowd. Hikari tried to keep an eye on him as the party went on, wilting by the refreshment table, unsure what to do with himself. Maybe inviting him was a mistake.
She lost sight of Shinji as the night dragged on, pulled in a million different directions by the sheer volume of guests. She hoped he was socializing, maybe finding someone with similar interests, or even someone who took pity on him.
The noise and density of the crowd demanded she take a break. Hikari weaved through the guests, politely thanking those who remembered who the party was for. She already had a headache about the amount of cleaning required after everyone left.
She didn't have the chance to open Shinji's gift yet and plucked it from the table the guests left presents on. She settled on a brief respite in her room, assured no one had broken the rule to stay on the first floor. As she climbed the stairs the noise of the crowd drifted to a muffled cushion of indistinct sound.
Hikari went directly to her room. She sat on her bed and carefully opened the small box, taking care not to rip the paper. Inside was a silver pendant of a bird with folded wings shaped like a heart. It couldn't have cost much, and it was obvious Shinji was aiming in the dark.
She ran a finger lightly around its edge and smiled.
She held it in her hands, debating how bold it would be to ask Shinji to put it on her. Too bold. She snapped the necklace clasp behind her neck and let the pendant fall outside her dress to show it off.
Hikari left her room intent on thanking Shinji. As she passed by the hallway on her way back downstairs she spotted someone behind the plate glass door to the small balcony overlooking the street. She inched forward with a frown.
It was Asuka. She was bent forward, resting her arms on the balcony's railing, one foot idly twisting back and forth behind her. Hikari moved closer and saw someone else beside her, also leaning on the railing. It was Shinji. She recognized the trousers and dress shirt he wore to the party.
Asuka smiled. Asuka laughed. Hikari could not see if Shinji did. All she saw was his back.
Hikari clutched the pendant. She watched them for a half hour. She thought about them for the rest of the night.
/\/\/\/\
- 3 years
"Ikari!"
Shinji jumped in his stride, nearly toppling over. He fell into the wall of shoe lockers at the entrance of the school.
"Class Rep?"
Hikari smiled at him. "I'm off the clock, Ikari."
"Sorry, Ms. Horaki."
"Forget about it." She tilted her head. "You just had gym, right? Why are you so late getting back?"
Shinji's eyes fluttered to the ground. "No reason."
"The boys made you clean up by yourself again, didn't they?" He didn't answer and she knitted her brow. "I'm going to go yell at them."
"No!" he blurted. "If you do… Sorry, but it's okay, really. I can live with it."
Hikari watched him in silence.
"It'll only cause trouble if other people know," Shinji went on. He opened his shoe locker to retrieve his books to go home and quickly reached in. "Ah!" He recoiled, cradling his hand.
"Ikari! What's wrong?"
"There's…" He lifted his hand and stared at it in horror. It was covered in blood. "I don't…"
Hikari peered inside the locker. Several razors were taped to the front and sides of his books. "This is terrible. Who would do such a thing?" She glanced at him. He was dripping blood on the floor. "Um… ah…" She looked around for something to wrap his hand and found nothing. "We need to get you to the nurse."
She led him through the empty school. Shinji gave up and used his shirt to stop the bleeding. They reached the nurse's station and found it abandoned.
"The nurse must have already left," Hikari said, ushering him inside. "How irresponsible. I could fix you up. Hey, like old times, right?"
Shinji nodded faintly. "Yeah."
"This'll sting," she told him.
She washed and dressed the cuts. Shinji winced but stayed silent. Hikari was forced to wrap most of his hand; the cuts were superficial but they covered his palm and fingers.
"Thank you," Shinji mumbled. He was in his undershirt; his uniform was stained and ruined.
"You're welcome." She still held his hand.
He smiled weakly. "Sorry for being such a bother. It feels like you're always looking after me."
"Maybe someone should."
/\/\/\/\
- 2 3/4 years
Kodama was at the kitchen table chopping vegetables for a salad. Nozomi was in the living room watching a very loud animated program. Hikari was at the stove, heating soup and making rice balls. She wore her mother's apron. It was stained from a thousand meals and made her feel like the head of the house.
"Carrots are done," Kodama said. She started on the tomatoes. "Are you sure this is enough?"
Hikari glanced over her shoulder. "Yeah. Nozomi hates tomatoes. She won't eat much."
Hikari always made up four plates, even though their father was rarely at home for dinner. He left for work before they went to school and came home after curfew. He trusted his daughters because he had to and loved them because he wanted to.
Kodama looked up at her younger sister. In the apron she was the image of their mother. An unexpected tremor of emotion snaked through her.
"Thanks for making dinner," she said.
"Huh? I always make dinner."
"I know, but still. Thanks."
Hikari gave her a confused smile. "Sure."
Kodama's eyes fell on the silver clasp at the nape of her neck. "I've been meaning to ask you: where did you get that necklace?"
"It was a present."
"Ah. Could I see it?"
Hikari hesitated. "Why?"
"No reason," Kodama said with a shrug. "You wear it almost every day."
She did wear it every day. "It… I mean, it's special."
Her sister smiled knowingly. "You don't have to show me. Was it from a boy?" Silence answered her. "Okay, okay. I'll drop it." She cut tomatoes. "Is he cute?"
"Kodama…" she warned. "You said you'd drop it."
"So it is a boy. Oh, please, give me something. Anything. I need to live vicariously through you."
"It isn't like that."
Kodama stayed silent at her tone.
"It's just…" Hikari stopped working and stared out of the small window above the sink. "He needs help. And I want to help him."
/\/\/\/\
- 2 1/2 years
Hikari didn't consider it loitering because she had a reason to be there. The apartment complex was a wide, high L-shaped building, the individual doors all visible from the street behind a low glass-enclosed partition to display the hallways. In the crook of the L was a courtyard with parking and trees lined the property like a fence. It was in the business district of the city, and was considered a wealthy neighborhood.
Hikari saw the small blue car drive past and pull into the complex. She waited until she heard the car doors open, took a deep breath, and strolled out from behind the tree. She casually glanced to her side and brightened.
"Ikari!"
Shinji went ashen. He looked around and located her. He stared for a moment. "H-Hello." He hadn't gotten to close the car door yet.
Hikari hurried over. "I didn't know you lived here. I was just walking by to the grocery store."
"Oh. It's, ah, nice to see you." He shut the door, glancing between Hikari and a tall blonde woman who had driven. "You said you were on your way to the grocery store?"
"Yeah, but I'm not in a rush. Oh, am I keeping you?"
"N-No. I was just, ah, I mean, do you usually do the food shopping?"
Hikari nodded. "My sisters are helpless in the kitchen without me."
"Oh. I see."
The young woman with blonde hair watched the conversation with a grin. Finally she stepped forward. "Are you a friend of Shinji's? He never brings his friends home to visit." She ruffled his hair. "I was starting to think he didn't have any."
Shinji looked down. His lips fought to contain a frown.
The woman looked Hikari over. "So, Shinji? Are you going to introduce us or what?"
"Sorry." He stood to the side, speaking in their general direction. "This is my stepsister, Ms. Ritsuko. Ms. Ritsuko, this is my, ah, this is Ms. Horaki."
"Pleased to meet you," she said, with a slight bow.
"Likewise," Ritsuko responded. She smiled. The motion shifted the mole beneath her left eye. "We have to get going now, I'm afraid."
Shinji had not looked up from the ground once while the woman talked. Hikari waved goodbye. Shinji did not return it.
/\/\/\/\
- 2 1/6 years
Hikari worked up the courage to ask Shinji herself if he wanted to come to her birthday party this year. She slipped away from Asuka as students were packing up to leave one Wednesday. She didn't want the invitation to be a last minute surprise this time.
"Hi, Ikari," she said, approaching his desk with a grin.
"Oh, hi, Ms. Horaki."
"Hey, um, my birthday is coming up and I thought maybe you'd like to come over again this year." He looked genuinely shocked and she rushed ahead. "I mean, other people will be there too, not as many as last year thankfully, but a few." She pursed her lips. "Asuka will be there." She didn't know why she said that.
Shinji seemed to shrink. "I'm sorry. I can't. My father…" He stopped himself. "I have something I need to take care of. I'm sorry. It's important."
On her birthday Hikari barricaded herself in her room before anyone arrived. She left all the preparations to Asuka. Soon she faintly heard people downstairs. It made her ill.
There was a knock on her door. "Hikari?" It was Asuka. "What's up? Everyone's waiting for you." There was a pause. "You okay?"
"I feel sick," she said. "I'm sorry, but could you ask everyone to go home? They don't have to leave anything for me. I'll make it up to them somehow."
There was another pause. "Hikari, they all came here to see you. They're going to be pissed."
"I'll make it up to them."
"Do you want me to go, too?"
Hikari was sitting on her bed, bent forward, staring at a small box in her hands. She closed her eyes. "Yeah. I'm sorry."
Asuka left without saying anything.
The crowd departed and the house was silent. Outside the sun fell into the horizon and the sky turned dark. The city lights blinked into existence like a thousand stars.
"Happy birthday, Ms. Horaki." She opened the box and lifted the silver bird pendant out. She carefully hooked the clasp behind her neck and let it fall over her heart. "Thank you, Ikari."
/\/\/\/\
- 2 years
The television screen strobed flashing death. Digital screams and grunts thundered over the rapid mashing of controller buttons in Hikari's bedroom. Asuka swore as she lost the round.
"Language," Hikari warned.
"Yeah, yeah."
"Can't we play something else? This one is so violent."
"You bought it."
"Yes, but—"
"Fine," Asuka said, ejecting the disc. "I'm tired of you killing me anyway. Who knew you'd be so good at fighting games?"
"Just lucky?"
"Hmm."
Asuka selected another game, a futuristic kart racer with transforming robots. As always, she chose the red mech bristling with gun pods and missile racks. Hikari opted for a light blue machine with fins. They began.
"Damn it," Asuka growled as she missed a turn and careened into a wall. She sighed. "I know, I know."
"You seem edgy today."
She was quiet for a time. "I'm just… It's frustrating."
"What is?"
Asuka did not answer.
"What do you think of Ikari?" Hikari asked, watching the screen.
"I don't," Asuka answered immediately.
"Don't what?"
"I don't think about him." She played in silence for a moment. "And neither should you."
/\/\/\/\
-1 3/4 years
Over the vacation puberty strapped Shinji to a rack and pulled hard. He returned to school tall and lanky, with a uniform that was too short for his legs and too narrow for his shoulders. Students giggled and pointed with a discreet cruelty that left the adults clueless and the children fully aware. He hunched down in his seat as class began, failing to avoid detection.
When lunch began Hikari walked directly to Shinji, scattering the various gawkers around him. She waited until the rest of the class dispersed enough for them to be uninterrupted.
"Thanks," he whispered, standing up.
"Wow, Ikari," she said, looking up at him. She couldn't help it. He was nearly a head taller than her now.
"Yeah."
"Sorry, I didn't mean it in a bad way. It's just… you got… tall."
"Yeah."
"Are your parents tall?" Stupid! she thought immediately. His mom's dead.
Shinji stared through her. "Yeah."
Hikari panicked for some way to salvage the meeting. "Say, um, d-did you do anything interesting over vacation? You could tell me over lunch?" She held up her bento like a peace offering.
"Sorry," he told her, sounding empty. "I'm not hungry. I'm not really feeling that good. I think I'll see the nurse." He started walking towards the door.
"I could take you. If you're not feeling well then maybe—"
"Thanks, but don't trouble yourself with me. It's no big deal." He left.
Hikari spun around looking for Asuka. She wasn't in the room. She dragged herself back to her seat. Hikari clenched her fists under her desk until they turned white. She jammed her eyes shut.
Stupid! she screamed at herself. I'm so stupid!
/\/\/\/\
- 1 1/2 years
Hikari stepped out from the alley into the main throughway of the shopping arcade. She worked her shoulders to fight off the cramp that developed from leaning against the wall for so long. She checked her watch. It had only been three hours.
It was Sunday. The sky was clear and bright. It was hot in the sun and cool in the shade. The arcade was a blue-and-white tile motif, an open-air courtyard ringed with shops and restaurants.
Hikari discovered Shinji's routine on Sundays was to either stay at home or amble to the arcade's music stores. He bought old tapes for his SDAT player from a dizzying array of genres but he never looked happy when he did. It seemed more like a grim obligation than a hobby he enjoyed.
He never ate at the multitude of restaurants. If he was thirsty, he bought only water. He never brought friends.
Today was one of the rare days he wore something besides his school uniform; he had on a dark blue button-up and charcoal slacks that made him seem older than he was. Hikari was pleased to see him in something new.
She came up behind him as he leaned against the back of a bench thumbing a message on his phone. She only caught the words "you then" before he noticed her and snapped the device shut.
"Ms. Horaki?"
"Ikari," Hikari said with her best surprised smile. "Fancy meeting you here again. You're not stalking me, are you?" She didn't meet him every Sunday he came to the arcade. Just enough to be spontaneous yet predictably safe for him.
"O-Of course not." He looked uncomfortable. "I, ah, I was just out today and—"
"I was kidding. You're so serious all the time."
"Sorry."
"I don't mind." She made a show of looking around. "It looked like you were waiting for someone?"
"Uh, n-no," Shinji said. "Just, you know, out. I'm out today. That's all."
"You're certainly dressed up."
"Am I?" He blushed self-consciously. "Um, s-so are you."
Hikari was wearing a sleeveless blouse and long fitted shorts. She smiled; he still didn't know how to talk to girls. She was glad.
"So," she began, moving a step closer, "I was just out today, too. And we're both dressed up so, ah, I—"
She stopped and stared. Behind Shinji walking down the flight of stairs from the train depot was Asuka. She was drawing looks as she moved; jealousy, lust, admiration, astonishment, longing, stupefaction. A light, high-cut dress swayed with her hips as she moved. She was barely made up but was still perfect.
Shinji followed Hikari's eyes. She couldn't see his reaction.
Asuka glanced their way and kept walking without missing a step. Hikari didn't know if she saw them. She passed through the courtyard at a distance and disappeared into an underground shop passage. A moment later Shinji's phone buzzed. He glanced at a text message and flipped the device shut.
"Sorry," Shinji said. It was the word and tone that always made Hikari's stomach sink. "I, ah, I need to get going." He stood up and took a step before glancing back. "It was nice to see you today, Ms. Horaki."
Hikari waited for an invitation that never came. He left in the same direction Asuka did. Hikari knew it had to be a coincidence.
/\/\/\/\
- 1 1/4 year
Hikari glanced up at the clock above the door of the classroom. Only one minute until lunch ended and the period began. Asuka and Shinji were missing. Asuka wandering in late was nothing new but Shinji was unfailingly punctual. He hardly went anywhere besides class. Hikari couldn't find them during lunch either. Her imagination struggled against the confines of her propriety.
The door slid open. Asuka strolled in with a relaxed gait. She offered a blithe smile to anyone who looked her way. She sat without a word and held her chin in her hand, smiling to herself.
The bell rang and Hikari told everyone to rise and bow to the teacher who seemed, as always, thoroughly unimpressed by the routine. Twelve minutes later Shinji opened the door and walked in like nothing was amiss, interrupting the teacher in the middle of an economics lecture.
"Ikari!" the teacher barked. "You're late!"
Shinji stared at him.
"Well? What do you have to say for yourself? Where were you?"
"Not here."
The classroom bubbled over with giggles. The teacher went red in the face.
"Get in the hall," he growled. "You're holding buckets for the rest of the period."
Shinji did as he was told. He exited without looking at the class.
Hikari glanced over at Asuka. She smiled fondly at Shinji as he left the room.
/\/\/\/\
- 1 1/6 years
Shinji had not attended school for two days. The teacher was treating it as an explained absence and carried on as if he never existed. Despite that gentle cruelty no one bothered to inform Hikari where he was. She finally asked the teacher and was met with a polite but firm "it doesn't concern you."
Of course it concerned her. Shinji was part of the class and she was class representative. She in turn represented him. She deserved to know.
"I wonder where Ikari is," she wondered aloud near Asuka on the third day in what was, to her, a very clever way of prodding her friend for information. Sometimes the direct approach was not the most efficient.
Asuka, busy with a handheld game, barely thought about it. "Probably getting weepy somewhere. I think it was around this time of year his mom killed herself."
Hikari felt desperate and ill. "But… but he went to my party when I turned fourteen. It was the same time of year."
"Oh, yeah. I convinced him to go. He needed to get his mind off it. He obsesses over everything, you know."
"But it was his mother."
Asuka peered at her. "So, what? You think it's better to wallow in self-pity like he's doing now?"
"Maybe for him, yes. I don't know. Did you ask him how he's doing?"
Asuka kept peering at her. "Not recently. Why are you so worked up?"
"I'm… I'm not worked up. I'm Class Representative. It's part of my job."
She hummed comprehension and returned to her game. "Well, whatever. Just wait a few days. He'll come back mopey as always and then you can do your job again." Asuka played. "You're not his mother, you know."
"I know that."
/\/\/\/\
- 1 year
The high school was smaller than the middle school. Classes were denser. Teachers were less friendly. The uniforms were drabber. The students were more self-segregated into cliques. Middle school identities were diluted to faint influences on current interactions.
Here she was no longer Hikari Horaki, Class Rep. Here she was just Hikari Horaki. Here she was nothing special. Here the teachers passed their eyes over her like she was anyone else, here the students did not defer to her or appreciate her. Here she did not have a reason to check up on Shinji or ask him about his day or help him with assignments or be near him. Here there was nothing to insulate her insecurity. Here she wanted to curl into a ball and scream until her lungs burst.
She secreted herself away in an empty classroom to eat lunch. She needed a break from the crushing shadow of Asuka's beauty and popularity. Even that had changed since middle school. Asuka was still gorgeous and admired, but more so. She was tall and athletic with an idol's body, smart and exotically pretty, coupled with a natural, effortless social dexterity. Everything Hikari lusted after her entire life. Asuka didn't need crutches like makeup or arbitrary positions of authority to gain attention. She just needed to be herself.
Hikari idly picked at her bento, staring out the second-story window onto a small hill below the tennis courts where students often ate lunch. There was a smattering of small groups, laughing and smiling together. She let her eyes pass over them all.
She stopped. Something unnatural caught her attention. She saw Shinji. With people. Not picking on him.
She watched Suzahara stand on his tiptoes to reach Shinji during a futile basketball team recruitment pitch. She watched Shinji smile politely, but gratefully for the positive attention.
It was like watching a flower slowly begin to bloom after tending it alone for years. When everyone else ignored it or deprived it of care she was there to watch over it and protect it. Now others were reaping the fruits of her labor.
Asuka came up behind him and lightly flicked the back of his head, ordering him to stand up straight. She forcibly squared his shoulders and he let her. Suzahara renewed his recruitment pitch. Shinji kept smiling politely.
Hikari threw the rest of her lunch away.
/\/\/\/\
- 3/4 year
Hikari opened the heavy door to the roof of the school. She happened to see Shinji heading up there during lunch and decided to eat with him. She didn't have any official reason to be with him now so she had to earn one on her own merits. He was still awkward and quiet, and Hikari knew she still had to help him.
She stepped out into the open air. It was balmy and cool, and the sky promised rain later. She found Shinji sitting against the grated stand for the water tank, his long legs stretched out before him. Next to him was Asuka, leaning close to share an ear bud from his SDAT. They were both focused on the music, staring vacantly at the ground.
"Eh," Asuka said with a shrug. "It's okay. I like their earlier stuff better."
"Me too," Shinji said. "The later albums are kind of an acquired taste."
"Then make me a copy. I can't find this at a reasonable price."
"Cheapskate."
"Idiot."
Who was that? Hikari thought. Who was that joking and looking so comfortable with someone else? Where was Shinji Ikari?
"Why don't you upgrade to something from this century?" Asuka chided him. "Digital is so much easier."
"I have too many tapes to just dump them. And digital players are expensive."
"And you called me a cheapskate." She suddenly leaned towards him, reaching between his legs to grab the SDAT. "Wait, wait. I like that song. Go back."
Shinji was at ease with the proximity. "Sure."
He helped her find the player and they both held it, his hand over hers, as they listened to the music shoulder-to-shoulder. Hikari stumbled in place and Asuka spotted her. She did not startle or rush away from Shinji. She calmly slipped her hand from his, returned the ear bud, then stood and stretched.
"Oh, hey, Hikari," she said, sounding painfully bored. "What are you doing all the way up here?"
Hikari worked her best casual smile. "I thought it might be nice to eat outside today. It was a little stifling in the classroom." She displayed her bento box. "How about you?"
"I already ate," Asuka said as she walked towards the door without stopping.
"Maybe next time," Hikari said as she passed. They did not make eye contact. A moment later the roof door opened and swung shut. She tried to move closer to Shinji and failed. Her feet refused to budge.
"I already ate, too," he said, sounding guilty. "Sorry."
"Oh."
"I could, um, you can still eat up here if you want."
Hikari laughed it off. "Don't worry about it. It looks like it'll rain anyways. See you, Ikari."
She swallowed hard and forced her feet to obey her. She took a shaky step backwards and managed to maintain a steady stride all the way to the door. She slipped inside and immediately fell into a crouch as her legs failed.
Come after me, Hikari thought as hard as she could. Come after me. Come after me. Come after me. Please.
She waited alone in the stairwell for the rest of the period.
/\/\/\/\
- 1/2 year
"Sorry, Hikari," Asuka said without sounding like she meant it. "I've got some stuff to take care of on Sunday. I'm going to have to bail on the movie."
"Oh. It must be important."
"You could say that."
Hikari couldn't see her face. Asuka's voice was playful.
"Maybe next weekend."
Asuka left. Hikari still couldn't see her face.
/\/\/\/\
-1/4 year
Hikari stood naked before the long mirror mounted on her closet door. She carefully reached up and undid her pigtails. Her hair flopped down around her neck, spilling over her shoulders. It made her look older.
She ran a critical eye over what she saw. She hated the boring hair and plain features, the haphazard freckles, the bony arms, the clavicle poking up beneath the skin, the small breasts, the sharp ribs, the empty bowl of a stomach, the jagged hips, the tangled mess of pubic hair, the skinny legs and big feet.
That wasn't Hikari, she told herself. But that was the Hikari everyone else saw. That was the Hikari Shinji saw.
Maybe Shinji would prefer someone pretty without freckles.
Maybe Shinji would prefer someone with a bigger bust or longer legs or a more athletic physique.
Maybe Shinji would prefer a more exotic hair color. Like blonde or blue. Or red.
Hikari picked up the bird pendant from her dresser and placed it around her thin neck. It fell perfectly over her heart, like it was made to be there. And suddenly she was pretty. If she focused on the pendant all the flaws and disappointments became blurred and forgotten and all that remained was the Hikari she wanted to be. The Hikari she needed to be.
She fell backwards onto her bed. She brought the pendant up to eye level, delicately holding it with her thumb and index finger. It seemed to sparkle in the dim light.
/\/\/\/\
- 1/6 year
Asuka leaned down and planted a hand on Hikari's desk after school.
"You have to have a birthday party," she demanded. "You're turning seventeen. That's a big deal."
"I just don't feel like it," Hikari said. She shrugged one shoulder. Her face was placid. "I'm too old for that kind of thing."
"Nonsense. I can get some of the Club people together and—"
"That's okay. Thanks, but it's alright."
Asuka pursed her lips. "Then we have to go out. We can hit the arcade. If you're lucky, maybe I'll let you win a few rounds at the game shop."
"I just don't feel like it," Hikari said again.
She didn't feel like doing much anymore. She didn't put her name in for consideration of class representative, she didn't join any clubs, she didn't expand her social network beyond the people she knew from middle school and they had subtly distanced themselves from her. Her sisters abandoned her too; Nozomi was absorbed with her own teenage existence and Kodama was busy at University. Only Asuka remained.
Shinji was missing again, like last year. She had no one she could ask to find out where he was. There was no reason to have a party anymore.
"You're being a stick-in-the-mud," Asuka said.
"Sorry."
Hikari went home. Her sisters offered their best birthday wishes and presents and a dinner Hikari didn't have to make herself for once. Hikari thanked them for the wishes, opened the presents and ate the meal, all while wearing the same, static smile. Her sisters did not object when she said she was tired and wanted to go to bed early.
Hikari lay in bed in the dark. She ran her thumbs over the silver pendant, holding it like a delicate flower. She didn't cry.
/\/\/\/\
- 1 month
She was easy to follow; Asuka was tall and her hair made her stand out. Hikari struggled through the crowd at a safe distance, not bothering to look where she was headed or who she ran into as long as the bobbing mane of red hair stayed in her vision. It felt like swimming against a current.
The mass of students thinned, then vanished, then Hikari found herself in a vacant hallway near the rear of the school. It was a Club hallway, but they were all temporarily canceled with exams coming up. Now there were just empty classrooms in an empty corridor.
She heard a door slide shut. She quietly hurried to it and peeked in through the window. Hikari desperately clutched at the pendant under her blouse.
Asuka and Shinji were very close together. He was sitting slumped on top of a desk. She was standing before him. Their lips moved but Hikari could not hear what they said.
They talked in a secret whisper language until Asuka leaned forward. Her hands fell on his thighs, then slid up to his waist, then around to rest on the desk. She nudged his nose with hers. She whispered again, her lips a breath away from his.
He gripped her arms and stood and pushed her up against the blackboard. He crushed their bodies together. One of her legs snaked around his. They kissed. They kept kissing. She held him as close as possible.
He finally broke off, panting hard. Asuka gave him a fierce grin, showing teeth.
"Why'd you stop?" she asked as she struggled for breath. She tugged on his belt. "Idiot."
His hands went to undo the bow around her neck. Hers worked his belt free, then the fly, then his pants dropped around his knees. He opened her blouse, nearly tearing the fabric. She hiked her skirt up around her waist and slid her thumbs into the sides of her underwear. They kissed the entire time.
Hikari didn't cry.
/\/\/\/\
- 1 week
Sunset fell over the city, casting it in deep orange hues. The sky was colored with wide brushstrokes of red and violet. The sun was hidden behind the tall buildings of the industrial west side.
Hikari walked home alone. She didn't know where Shinji was. She didn't know where Asuka was. She didn't want to know.
She reached the old bridge spanning a long, winding drainage ditch that cut through a fifth of the city. Hikari skimmed her hand along the railing, looking out over a thin string of water running down the curved center of the ditch. It coiled away to another bridge a mile to the west. The sun would set directly behind it.
A section of the rail gave way under her touch with a sharp creak and she paused. She wriggled it, watching flakes of rust drift to the ground like snow. The creaking continued. Suddenly the rail broke and Hikari lurched forward.
She peered down. The drainage ditch was far below. There was graffiti plastered on some of the sloping walls, words and symbols all mashed together in an unrecognizable mess.
Hikari let one foot slip from the bridge and hang in the air. She felt her stomach bottom out. The pendant around her neck was weighing her down, making her body impossibly heavy. She leaned forward, holding onto the rail, balancing on one heel.
If she landed on her head maybe her hair would turn red.
She stepped back onto the road into a small ditch shaped like a crescent moon. Hikari replaced the railing segment, pulling it into uniformity with a sharp creak of metal.
A storm front was crawling along the coast towards the city. It would rain all weekend. That was a good thing.
/\/\/\/\
Zero
"Asuka?" Hikari wondered aloud. "What are you doing here?"
It was late. School was over, clubs were over. The classrooms and halls were empty except for Asuka standing at the threshold of their homeroom.
"I could ask you the same thing," she said with a grin. "What are you doing here?"
"Cleaning," Hikari said with a vague sweep of her hand.
"I can see that. Wasn't it Suzahara and Aino's turn to clean up today?"
"Yeah, but they both said something came up, and nobody else volunteered, so… Don't laugh at me."
"Sorry, sorry. Ever the Class Rep." Asuka entered the room and sat on the closest desk. She tilted her head back. "Almost done?"
"Yeah."
"Want to walk home together? It feels like ages since we last did."
"I was going to see about the Band room. Those guys never pick up after themselves…"
"You'll be here for years if you have to help those losers again." Asuka stood and grabbed her friend's hand. "Come on."
They left school together.
It was the first day since the weekend it didn't rain. The ground was slick and muddy, the air was heavy and wet. Grey clouds still hung low in the sky, threatening to break open.
They reached the old bridge over the drainage ditch connecting the school's district with the first residential blocks. The pavement was wet and spotted with irregular puddles from the week's storms.
"I know," Hikari finally said. "About you and Ikari."
Asuka was silent for a moment. "Yeah, and?"
They walked over the bridge. Asuka avoided the puddles on light feet. Hikari trod through them. Her socks felt cold and thick.
"Do you love him?"
Asuka scoffed. "I don't know. I'm just having some fun."
"Does he love you?"
"Probably."
Hikari reached out and grabbed Asuka's wrist. "Don't… play with him like that."
Asuka stared at the small hand and abruptly looked away. "Why not?"
"It isn't right."
"That's not a good enough reason." Asuka pulled her wrist away. "And why do you care, anyway?"
"Because you're supposed to be my friend."
"What does that mean?"
Hikari shook. "You can't… It isn't right to treat someone like this."
"I'm not hurting him. He enjoys it, too."
"Enjoys it," she repeated without wanting to. She felt hollow.
"Well, we've done some… stuff," Asuka said, trying to hide a blush. She started walking again.
Hikari watched her go. "That's indecent."
"Grow up. We're seventeen. Well, he's seventeen. I'll catch up in three months. But I'm already an adult in terms of intelligence. So, really, I'm the older woman." She grinned.
Her hair bounced lightly as she walked. Hikari paused to admire how beautiful her friend was. Of course Shinji would want to be with her and do indecent things with her. Of course Shinji would love her. Asuka picked him.
Asuka stepped up against the railing to avoid the crescent moon puddle. Hikari ran forward.
She pushed with all her strength. Asuka stumbled into the railing, twisting as she did to find Hikari.
Asuka looked surprised. Not angry or scared, just surprised. She still looked surprised when the railing gave out behind her and she tumbled backwards into the sixty feet of open air above the drainage ditch.
Hikari watched her fall faster than she thought possible and burst apart with a dull crack on the cement. The walls became an abstract mess of thick red chaos. One of her eyes shot out of her skull, bouncing on a tether of fibrous nerve tissue. Her left arm was bent at an unnatural angle. Her long hair became matted and heavy with blood. She did not move.
The blood seeped down into the water of the drainage ditch, and soon a long crooked red finger pointed away from the body, twisting into the oblivion of the setting sun.
/\/\/\/\
+ 1 week
Shinji's apartment complex was smaller than Hikari remembered. The building was polished and clean, and quiet; she had no way of knowing how many people were in it. The thought struck her that Shinji might very well be truly alone.
Hikari went directly to the third floor, apartment 317, and rang the bell twice. A small, pale girl wearing a middle school uniform opened the door. Red eyes peeked out from messy light blue hair.
"May I help you?" she asked in a whispery voice.
"You must be Rei," Hikari said. She received no response. "Is Ikari home?" She saw the girl hesitate. "Tell him it's Horaki. Please."
"… Just a moment."
The door closed. Hikari waited for less than half a minute.
"Ms. Horaki?" Shinji said as the door reopened. "Are—what are you doing here?"
He looked tired. His hair was mussed, one side plastered to his head. He was wearing shorts and a loose t-shirt.
"Did I wake you?" she asked.
"No. I was… I'm not…" He trailed off. "Why are you here?" he asked again.
"You haven't been to school all week. Teacher called but no one answers. The students that were told to deliver your handouts always said you were out." Hikari shuffled on her feet. "I would have come sooner but I had some things to take care of."
Shinji cringed.
"You didn't come to the funeral," she went on, quietly.
"I wasn't invited," he managed.
"Oh." She rubbed her arm. "It was a nice service. It was Christian, so I couldn't follow a lot of it. But it was nice." Hikari looked up at him. "It's good to see you, Ikari."
Shinji left the doorway. He leaned forward against the partition overlooking the apartment complex's courtyard. Hikari remembered the way he leaned on the railing of her balcony with Asuka at her fourteenth birthday party.
She joined him at the partition and glanced at his profile. The bags under his eyes were almost black. His eyes were glassy. He was pallid. He looked old.
"I'm sorry," he told her. "She was your friend and I'm the one locked in my room." He dragged a hand up over half his face. "I'm so selfish it's pathetic."
Hikari watched him.
"She lied to me, you know. She said, 'see you tomorrow.'" Shinji worked out a shaky grin. "See you tomorrow." The smile collapsed and he sank to his knees, pushing his head against the partition wall. "Oh, God," he moaned. His shoulders shook unevenly.
Hikari watched him.
"Oh, God, no." He ground his head into the wall. "I keep thinking if I had said just one more thing to her or stopped her from going for just one more second she wouldn't have slipped in that puddle or she would have walked a different way or something." He was talking fast, taking greedy gulps of air. "I keep thinking… There had to be something I should have done."
Hikari watched him.
"It's not fair." He grit his teeth. "It isn't fair. I can't… God damn it. Not again." He squeezed his eyes shut. "I can't take it."
Hikari watched him.
"Sometimes it all feels like a bad dream," she told him quietly. "Doesn't it? Like none of it ever happened. Like she didn't make those decisions, but she did. I don't want to remember all of that. I want to remember her the way I used to know her.
"I knew her since she transferred here in middle school," Hikari said. "We were very close friends. And I know she wouldn't want to see you like this. She told me she cared about you a lot."
He looked up at her with a stricken face. His eyes were red and puffy. His brow and lips trembled. She stepped forward and cradled his head, thrilling at the sensation.
"I couldn't help her," she said softly. "Let me help you."
He froze, then melted. He pushed his face into her stomach, clawing at her back. She felt tears seep through her blouse.
"Oh, God, Horaki," he whimpered. He took several shuddering gulps of air. He sniffled. "Help me. Please."
"Of course I'll help you," she told him. She kneeled and hugged him properly as he wept into the crook of her neck. She stroked his back and held his head. "Of course I'll help you."
Beneath her shirt, the pendant was warm against her skin.
"I will help you."
/\/\/\/\
End
Author notes: Well, that was predictable. Sigh. But I did promise people a Hikari/Shinji fic one day. I never said it would be happy. Or good.
This started out as a soap opera-esque romance fic but quickly morphed into this hot mess. I don't know which is worse. I might get around to writing the other version someday. It would be absent of all the, you know, murder and insanity. Mostly.
I really debated including this epilogue. Part of me feels it's over-the-top, another part feels it gives a little more closure. Eh. You can decide.
/\/\/\/\
Epilogue
+ 4 years
The apartment was Shinji's. He worked part-time at his father's company and the rest of the rent was subsidized by his father's desire to be rid of him. It was small, only three rooms, but it was enough for what he wanted and more than what he needed. There was a bathroom, a bedroom, and a kitchen and living room bisected by a waist-high shelving partition. Hikari always complimented him on how tidy he kept everything.
They were in the kitchen, sitting across from each other at the narrow table eating dinner. The dish was Italian, something Hikari was experimenting with lately. She was attending cooking classes at the local college though she showed no desire to pursue it professionally, or any other field. Nozomi teased her she was just killing time until Shinji married her.
He took a bite of the meal.
"The sauce tastes different," he said. "Did you change the recipe?"
"No."
"Oh."
"Does it taste bad?" she asked.
"No, no," Shinji quickly said. "I must be imagining things. It was a long day."
They ate.
"Today's the anniversary," Hikari remarked idly.
"Ah, sorry? Did I forget one of ours?"
"Hmm? Oh, no. I was talking about the anniversary of the day Asuka died."
Shinji felt cold. "Oh."
"It's already been four years." She smiled gently at him. "The time just flew by, didn't it?"
Shinji swallowed. "Yeah."
"It's actually also the eight-year anniversary of the day we met," Hikari said, still smiling. "Well, technically. It was the day you transferred to our class. Kind of funny how those two days lined up, isn't it?"
"Yeah." Shinji swallowed again. "Sorry I forgot."
She waved it off. "Don't worry about it. I know you've been busy at the University. How are classes going?"
"Okay," he replied, glad for a change in subject. "I'm really starting to understand the Theoretical Chemistry course. Only four of us stuck with it, so we each get time with Professor Fuyutsuki. He really is brilliant." Shinji smiled a small, guilty smile. "He said I have a lot of promise."
"That's great." Hikari twirled her fork full of noodles. "Did you know Asuka was going to enter a German college, but her mother forbid it? She thought Asuka should have a normal childhood and interact with her peers. She was quite smart, you know."
Shinji set his jaw. He put his fork down. "Is something wrong, Hikari?"
"Of course not."
A wave of nausea splashed his innards and he closed his throat. He lost all appetite. He shook his head to clear the rapidly weaving cobwebs.
"I know you loved her," Hikari told him. "You never kissed me the way you kissed her."
"Hikari…" Shinji gripped the table. He felt faint. Something was not right. He began to sweat. His chest felt hollow. The table seemed to stretch out from him and Hikari was sitting miles away in his tiny kitchen. He pitched forward with a groan.
"I know you still love her," Hikari went on. "You can't really forget, even if you try. And I know you tried, so hard. I know you tried. Because I have proof."
Shinji pushed his plate away and hit his head on the table. He barely felt it.
"I'm pregnant," she told him as the world swam in a vortex of black sunspots.
Shinji fell out his chair. He didn't feel the impact as his face struck the floor. He tried to speak and managed a few sputtered coughs. He tried to move and failed.
Hikari stood and pushed her chair in. She walked around the table and looked down at Shinji. He was panting, futilely clawing the floor.
"Now I'll have a part of you forever," she said, gently caressing her stomach. "A part that won't love anyone else."
It was getting hard to breathe. He couldn't feel his body.
"I'm so sorry. I lied to you earlier. I did change the recipe. Just for you. Can you forgive me?" She kneeled by him. "Don't be scared," she told him softly. He saw her reach out to stroke his cheek. He didn't feel it. "I forgive you for loving Asuka. Because you gave me such a wonderful gift."
He gaped for air.
"I love you, Shinji," she whispered, and the world went dark.