Disclaimer: Joss owns it all.
Author's Note: Just like the prequel, this takes place after "Hell's Bells" (and before "Entropy"), but Spuffy never broke up. Misspellings are intentional. Also, Willow is gay.
Dedication: Again, this is for the funny, funny people at TwoP. Thanks to regina welch for suggesting the sequel. And thanks to my husband, who isn't into "Buffy," but listens to me drone on about it anyway. He was also nice enough to read this over for me. Also, a couple of jokes in here are his.
A Very Brady Buffy Sequel
Buffy yawned as she walked home from Spike's crypt. "I just can't figure out why I'm so tired," she said to herself. "It's not like I've been doing much lately." She thought back over the last 24 hours: She had worked a 37-hour shift at the Doublemeat Palace, gone home, taken out the trash, washed the dishes, scrubbed the floor, cleaned out the garage, re- shingled the roof, killed four newly-risen vamps, spent an hour working on her puns, gone to the store to buy a new pair of leather pants, and shipped off her tapes for Emmy consideration. After that, she had stopped by Spike's Shaggarific Sarcophagus for some, well, shagging. At the thought of Spike's sexy British body, she became so excited that she turned around and ran back for another quick roll in the hay. And by "quick" I mean several hours on end, due her amazing Slayer strength and his impressive vampire stamina.
The following morning, Buffy walked home to her house and breathed in the yummy vanilla scent that permeated the place, owing to Buffy's vanilla lotion, vanilla shampoo, vanilla-scented Maybelline make-up, not to mention the vanilla bubble bath and vanilla-scented incense. She noticed Willow and Tara gaily cuddling on the couch in a gay way. "Hey, you guys are back together? That's great!"
"Yeah," said Willow. "Mr. Brady showed me the error of my ways and I've decided to turn over a new leaf. No more magic-addiction for this gay- Wiccan-lesbian-formerly-Jewish-redheaded witch. And thank the Goddess, because I've never been happier. Or gayer, for that matter. Did I mention that I'm gay?"
"We're e-e-ever so happy now," said Tara as she shyly looked down at her burlap skirt.
"That's terrific," said Buffy. Just then, Xander and Anya entered the living room. Anya was, as always, counting her money and Zsa Zsa was chewing on a carrot stick.
"Xander, honey," said Anya as she ran her fingers through her light- brown-blonde-dark-auburn-jet black longish-short straight-curly hair, "I thought I asked you not to chew on those in front of me. They remind me of the bunnies."
"Sorry, my little jelly-filled donut, I forgot." Xanander pulled out a piece of sugar-free gum to chew instead.
"Oh!" exclaimed Buffy. "My light at the end of the tunnel! It's not a train after all! Thank God-"
"-dess," interjected Tara as she gaily rubbed Willow's thigh.
"-that you two worked things out," continued Buffy, not having noticed Tara, since the blonde gay lesbian witch wasn't talking about her. "When you two broke up, it was the saddest day of my life. Except for when my soulmate Angle left town and my mom died, and those two times I died. I mean, I am so touched that you two worked out your differences. And you did it all for me!" Buffy hugged Zander, knocking the non-fat cracker right out of his hand. "Hey," she said, "have you been losing weight?"
"What about when we pulled you out of heeeaaaven?" asked Anya.
"What?" said Buffy.
"You were in a wonderful, peaceful paradise. There was no pain. No fear, no doubt. 'Til we pulled you out. Of heeeeaaaaven," Anya reminded her.
"Oh yeah," said Buffy. She teared up and looked into the cameras, making sure that everyone understood just how sad she was. Sad, sad Buffy. Before Buffy could launch into her dramatic speech, a portal opened up right there in the living room. Mike Brady stepped out, dragging Dawn behind him.
"Mr. Brady!" exclaimed the gay-lesbian-redhaired-Wiccan no-longer- magick- addicted witch. "What are you doing here?"
"Well," responded Mr. Brady. "I felt bad that I didn't have time to help Buffy last time. Also, this girl ended up in our dimension somehow," he said, pointing to Dawn, who was wearing Jan's bell-bottom pants and Greg's "Johnny Bravo" sunglasses, while holding both Kitty-Carry-All and Bobby's kazoo, as well as Marsha's pom-poms in her arms.
"Dawnie!" said Buffy. "You've been in another dimension? I thought you'd been in your room."
"I've been gone for a week!" screeched Dawn. "You see? You never notice me! Get out, get out, GET OUT!" Dawn flounced up to her room, grabbing Xandaddy's bag of veggies on the way.
"Well, Mr. Brady," said Buffy, "I hope she didn't cause much trouble."
"Oh that's all right, Buffy. The doctor says Peter's ears will be back to normal someday. Our toilet has gone missing, though…" Before he could finish, Spike ran through the door. He closed his UV-shielding umbrella, took off his UV-protection sunglasses, and approached Buffy.
"Slayer," he said Britishly as he raised a sexy eyebrow at her, "I've decided that if you don't tell your friends about us shaggin' every night, I bloody will."
"I think you just did tell them," said Buffy, indicating the room full of people.
"Did someone say something?" asked Xandar in a vacant way while opening a bag of non-buttered popcorn.
"Cor," said Spike, "I bloody bleedin' love you Slayer. I can't bloody think of bloody anything else. Oh bollocks, I must have you, Elizabeth. Blimey, luv."
"But I hate you, Spike! I hate every sexy bit of you, from your sexy peroxide-blond hair, to your sexy eyebrow scar, to your sexy abs and sexy arms, all the way down to your sexy thighs and your sexy British toes. The mere thought of you makes my blood boil until I'm hot, oh so hot for you…oh Spike! Take me!" She launched herself onto Spike and tore at his clothing.
"Ew," said Willow, "I just can't imagine having sex with that."
"You mean a disgusting soulless vampire?" asked Tara.
"No, a man. I would never lay my hands on a naked man. Because I'm GAY NOW! That's right. I'm gay. Gay, gay, gay! And I don't care who knows about it! I'm coming out of the closet! I'm a gay lesbian who's gay. I'm the gayest lesbian gay witch there ever was!"
"Willow," said Mr. Brady. "Everyone knows that you're gay. It seems to me that you're avoiding the real issues with your non-stop proclamations of gayness. Now, there's nothing wrong with being a gay-Wiccan-lesbian- magic-addicted-gay witch. Except for the addiction part, that is. But you don't have to say it 3,000 times."
"Sorry," Willow pouted as she sat back down. Tara gaily rubbed Willow's neck in a gay way. Because, like Willow, Tara was gay. And Willow was her gay-lesbian-Wiccan-Goddess-worshipping witch lover, with whom she had, on numerous occasions, had gay lesbian sex.
"What happened to Buffy?" asked Xanax as he swallowed the last of his Slim Fast milkshake. "Hmm, that's odd. She left her pants and blouse rumpled on the floor here. But where could she be?" He looked around again as, not two feet away from him, Buffy was enjoying yet another Slayer orgasm brought on by her soulless daemon lover. As they rolled around having wild, passionate, sexy sex, Buffy and Spike knocked into Ziggy and tripped him. He got right back up again, popped a grape into his mouth and said, "Watch the rug here, guys. I think I just tripped on it."
"Looks like I won't be able to help her this time either," said Mr. Brady with disappointment in his voice. "Besides, I want to be home in time for dinner. We're having pork chops and apple sauce." The portal re- opened behind him. Just as he was stepping through, Dawn flounced back downstairs.
"Why didn't anyone follow me upstairs to comfort me?" she screeched. "I've not had any attention at all for over five solid minutes!"
"Here we go again," said Zoltar as he reached towards Dawn.
"No, Xander," said Willow. "Let me." She looked gaily at her gay- Wiccan-non-magick-addicted-gay-witch-lesbian lover. "Baby," she cooed, "can we make an exception just this once?"
"If you don't do it, I will," said Tara as she gaily stroked Willow's gay hair.
"No!" screeched Dawn. "Stroke MY hair! MY hair! I'm the one with the shiny, shiny hair!"
Willow stood up and held out her arms. "Ortal-pay, ake-tay is-thay eeching-scray irl-gay! Ear-hay is-thay ommand-cay!" The portal immediately sucked Dawn in and closed behind her.
"And this time, stay gone!" hollered Xenon through his mouthful of rice cakes.
"Xander," said Anya, who had finished counting her money and was now counting the bills in Buffy's Monopoly game, "watching Buffy and Spike is kind of putting me in the mood."
"Why would that put you in the mood?" inquired Sandbox as he bit into an apple.
"Because they've been having wild, kinky, amazing sex right in front of us on the living room floor, and the couch, and the loveseat, not to mention the coffee table, for the last twenty minutes."
"I'm sorry, hon, I didn't catch that. Who shot who in the what now?" Zephyr said blankly as he continued to munch on his broccoli.
"Let's just go home," said Anya as she led him out the door.
"Say," said Willow. "We should go find a spell to dis-invite Dawn from this house so she can never come back."
"B-b-but she isn't a v-v-vampire," said Tara, looking shyly at the floor, then looking right back up again to avoid the sight of all the heterosexual sex going on down there. "I thought that spell o-o-only worked for vampires."
"I think we're powerful enough gay-lesbian-Wiccan-witches to overcome continuity." She smiled seductively at Tara. "But first we could have some gay lesbian sex."
"O-o-okay," said Tara. The two witches skipped up the stairs.
Buffy stopped riding the Spike-train long enough to notice that everyone was gone. "Hey," she said. "Where'd everyone go?"
"Maybe we got lucky and all your friends and loved ones were killed by some bloody horrible demon from the flaming maw of bloody hell, luv."
"Oh, Spike, you're so evil!" Buffy said angrily. "You make me sick and disgusted with your horrible evilness. You're such a soulless, evil, disgusting, repulsive…oh, Spike! I must have you again!"
"Cor!" he purred as he obliged.
THE END
Author's Note: Just like the prequel, this takes place after "Hell's Bells" (and before "Entropy"), but Spuffy never broke up. Misspellings are intentional. Also, Willow is gay.
Dedication: Again, this is for the funny, funny people at TwoP. Thanks to regina welch for suggesting the sequel. And thanks to my husband, who isn't into "Buffy," but listens to me drone on about it anyway. He was also nice enough to read this over for me. Also, a couple of jokes in here are his.
A Very Brady Buffy Sequel
Buffy yawned as she walked home from Spike's crypt. "I just can't figure out why I'm so tired," she said to herself. "It's not like I've been doing much lately." She thought back over the last 24 hours: She had worked a 37-hour shift at the Doublemeat Palace, gone home, taken out the trash, washed the dishes, scrubbed the floor, cleaned out the garage, re- shingled the roof, killed four newly-risen vamps, spent an hour working on her puns, gone to the store to buy a new pair of leather pants, and shipped off her tapes for Emmy consideration. After that, she had stopped by Spike's Shaggarific Sarcophagus for some, well, shagging. At the thought of Spike's sexy British body, she became so excited that she turned around and ran back for another quick roll in the hay. And by "quick" I mean several hours on end, due her amazing Slayer strength and his impressive vampire stamina.
The following morning, Buffy walked home to her house and breathed in the yummy vanilla scent that permeated the place, owing to Buffy's vanilla lotion, vanilla shampoo, vanilla-scented Maybelline make-up, not to mention the vanilla bubble bath and vanilla-scented incense. She noticed Willow and Tara gaily cuddling on the couch in a gay way. "Hey, you guys are back together? That's great!"
"Yeah," said Willow. "Mr. Brady showed me the error of my ways and I've decided to turn over a new leaf. No more magic-addiction for this gay- Wiccan-lesbian-formerly-Jewish-redheaded witch. And thank the Goddess, because I've never been happier. Or gayer, for that matter. Did I mention that I'm gay?"
"We're e-e-ever so happy now," said Tara as she shyly looked down at her burlap skirt.
"That's terrific," said Buffy. Just then, Xander and Anya entered the living room. Anya was, as always, counting her money and Zsa Zsa was chewing on a carrot stick.
"Xander, honey," said Anya as she ran her fingers through her light- brown-blonde-dark-auburn-jet black longish-short straight-curly hair, "I thought I asked you not to chew on those in front of me. They remind me of the bunnies."
"Sorry, my little jelly-filled donut, I forgot." Xanander pulled out a piece of sugar-free gum to chew instead.
"Oh!" exclaimed Buffy. "My light at the end of the tunnel! It's not a train after all! Thank God-"
"-dess," interjected Tara as she gaily rubbed Willow's thigh.
"-that you two worked things out," continued Buffy, not having noticed Tara, since the blonde gay lesbian witch wasn't talking about her. "When you two broke up, it was the saddest day of my life. Except for when my soulmate Angle left town and my mom died, and those two times I died. I mean, I am so touched that you two worked out your differences. And you did it all for me!" Buffy hugged Zander, knocking the non-fat cracker right out of his hand. "Hey," she said, "have you been losing weight?"
"What about when we pulled you out of heeeaaaven?" asked Anya.
"What?" said Buffy.
"You were in a wonderful, peaceful paradise. There was no pain. No fear, no doubt. 'Til we pulled you out. Of heeeeaaaaven," Anya reminded her.
"Oh yeah," said Buffy. She teared up and looked into the cameras, making sure that everyone understood just how sad she was. Sad, sad Buffy. Before Buffy could launch into her dramatic speech, a portal opened up right there in the living room. Mike Brady stepped out, dragging Dawn behind him.
"Mr. Brady!" exclaimed the gay-lesbian-redhaired-Wiccan no-longer- magick- addicted witch. "What are you doing here?"
"Well," responded Mr. Brady. "I felt bad that I didn't have time to help Buffy last time. Also, this girl ended up in our dimension somehow," he said, pointing to Dawn, who was wearing Jan's bell-bottom pants and Greg's "Johnny Bravo" sunglasses, while holding both Kitty-Carry-All and Bobby's kazoo, as well as Marsha's pom-poms in her arms.
"Dawnie!" said Buffy. "You've been in another dimension? I thought you'd been in your room."
"I've been gone for a week!" screeched Dawn. "You see? You never notice me! Get out, get out, GET OUT!" Dawn flounced up to her room, grabbing Xandaddy's bag of veggies on the way.
"Well, Mr. Brady," said Buffy, "I hope she didn't cause much trouble."
"Oh that's all right, Buffy. The doctor says Peter's ears will be back to normal someday. Our toilet has gone missing, though…" Before he could finish, Spike ran through the door. He closed his UV-shielding umbrella, took off his UV-protection sunglasses, and approached Buffy.
"Slayer," he said Britishly as he raised a sexy eyebrow at her, "I've decided that if you don't tell your friends about us shaggin' every night, I bloody will."
"I think you just did tell them," said Buffy, indicating the room full of people.
"Did someone say something?" asked Xandar in a vacant way while opening a bag of non-buttered popcorn.
"Cor," said Spike, "I bloody bleedin' love you Slayer. I can't bloody think of bloody anything else. Oh bollocks, I must have you, Elizabeth. Blimey, luv."
"But I hate you, Spike! I hate every sexy bit of you, from your sexy peroxide-blond hair, to your sexy eyebrow scar, to your sexy abs and sexy arms, all the way down to your sexy thighs and your sexy British toes. The mere thought of you makes my blood boil until I'm hot, oh so hot for you…oh Spike! Take me!" She launched herself onto Spike and tore at his clothing.
"Ew," said Willow, "I just can't imagine having sex with that."
"You mean a disgusting soulless vampire?" asked Tara.
"No, a man. I would never lay my hands on a naked man. Because I'm GAY NOW! That's right. I'm gay. Gay, gay, gay! And I don't care who knows about it! I'm coming out of the closet! I'm a gay lesbian who's gay. I'm the gayest lesbian gay witch there ever was!"
"Willow," said Mr. Brady. "Everyone knows that you're gay. It seems to me that you're avoiding the real issues with your non-stop proclamations of gayness. Now, there's nothing wrong with being a gay-Wiccan-lesbian- magic-addicted-gay witch. Except for the addiction part, that is. But you don't have to say it 3,000 times."
"Sorry," Willow pouted as she sat back down. Tara gaily rubbed Willow's neck in a gay way. Because, like Willow, Tara was gay. And Willow was her gay-lesbian-Wiccan-Goddess-worshipping witch lover, with whom she had, on numerous occasions, had gay lesbian sex.
"What happened to Buffy?" asked Xanax as he swallowed the last of his Slim Fast milkshake. "Hmm, that's odd. She left her pants and blouse rumpled on the floor here. But where could she be?" He looked around again as, not two feet away from him, Buffy was enjoying yet another Slayer orgasm brought on by her soulless daemon lover. As they rolled around having wild, passionate, sexy sex, Buffy and Spike knocked into Ziggy and tripped him. He got right back up again, popped a grape into his mouth and said, "Watch the rug here, guys. I think I just tripped on it."
"Looks like I won't be able to help her this time either," said Mr. Brady with disappointment in his voice. "Besides, I want to be home in time for dinner. We're having pork chops and apple sauce." The portal re- opened behind him. Just as he was stepping through, Dawn flounced back downstairs.
"Why didn't anyone follow me upstairs to comfort me?" she screeched. "I've not had any attention at all for over five solid minutes!"
"Here we go again," said Zoltar as he reached towards Dawn.
"No, Xander," said Willow. "Let me." She looked gaily at her gay- Wiccan-non-magick-addicted-gay-witch-lesbian lover. "Baby," she cooed, "can we make an exception just this once?"
"If you don't do it, I will," said Tara as she gaily stroked Willow's gay hair.
"No!" screeched Dawn. "Stroke MY hair! MY hair! I'm the one with the shiny, shiny hair!"
Willow stood up and held out her arms. "Ortal-pay, ake-tay is-thay eeching-scray irl-gay! Ear-hay is-thay ommand-cay!" The portal immediately sucked Dawn in and closed behind her.
"And this time, stay gone!" hollered Xenon through his mouthful of rice cakes.
"Xander," said Anya, who had finished counting her money and was now counting the bills in Buffy's Monopoly game, "watching Buffy and Spike is kind of putting me in the mood."
"Why would that put you in the mood?" inquired Sandbox as he bit into an apple.
"Because they've been having wild, kinky, amazing sex right in front of us on the living room floor, and the couch, and the loveseat, not to mention the coffee table, for the last twenty minutes."
"I'm sorry, hon, I didn't catch that. Who shot who in the what now?" Zephyr said blankly as he continued to munch on his broccoli.
"Let's just go home," said Anya as she led him out the door.
"Say," said Willow. "We should go find a spell to dis-invite Dawn from this house so she can never come back."
"B-b-but she isn't a v-v-vampire," said Tara, looking shyly at the floor, then looking right back up again to avoid the sight of all the heterosexual sex going on down there. "I thought that spell o-o-only worked for vampires."
"I think we're powerful enough gay-lesbian-Wiccan-witches to overcome continuity." She smiled seductively at Tara. "But first we could have some gay lesbian sex."
"O-o-okay," said Tara. The two witches skipped up the stairs.
Buffy stopped riding the Spike-train long enough to notice that everyone was gone. "Hey," she said. "Where'd everyone go?"
"Maybe we got lucky and all your friends and loved ones were killed by some bloody horrible demon from the flaming maw of bloody hell, luv."
"Oh, Spike, you're so evil!" Buffy said angrily. "You make me sick and disgusted with your horrible evilness. You're such a soulless, evil, disgusting, repulsive…oh, Spike! I must have you again!"
"Cor!" he purred as he obliged.
THE END