burning into you ensuring you would never forget. I realized my mistake while I was making it, but your draw was too tempting, too much to fight against. And you always had that effect on me. It was something I couldn't understand at the time and I'm still not sure if I do. I was sure I was in love with you.
And those words. The words that seemed so breathtakingly beautiful to you at the time, morphed later into the venemous posion that would only serve to infect you further. It was never my intention to bring you pain. In fact, I was aiming for the exact opposite. I wanted to heal you, to be something that could take away that ache and misery from your ever sad eyes. I was, temporarily. But I could never be that long enough to matter, and I knew that. My selfishness, it's what I hate the most. Because at the time I wanted to say those words as much as you wanted to hear them.
And then months later, after I had built you up, given you so much to hope for, I had to turn around and take it all back. I had to watch you crumble and crash to the ground with more of my words. Watch as those things I said destroyed you and it destroyed a part of me too. I tried to explain that what this feeling was between us was not love, although it felt, tasted and smelled like love, it was not. This feeling was an imposter. I explained how sometimes when you are so similar to another, when you recognize your strengths and weaknesses in someone else it can cause such an emotional reaction. When you see this other person with such likeness to you, you have the opportunity to be angry with them for their flaws, and the ability to praise their strengths. It's in this way that you can come to terms with your feelings towards yourself without the guilt of self loathing or the embarrasment of vanity. So logical. I had rehearsed the words for days before attempting to recite them for you. They came out so wrong though, a jumbled mess. I couldn't think right, the way you looked, I will never forget. I never told you though, that I never fully believed the words myself.
I was aching to hold you in that moment. To be the saviour you needed, but I soldiered on, shattering you to pieces.
After that you began to fade quickly. I seen you spiralling out of control but could do nothing to steady you. And you were waiting for me to correct you, to pull you back in and tell you I cared again, but I didn't and I couldn't. You knew that as well as I.
And now you are gone. And everyday I blame myself. I hate that I got myself into such a mess, that I put myself in a position where so many other's feelings were on the line. And ultimately I blame myself for the loss of you. Such an amazing person. It feels so unfair, because my intentions were always pure, I did feel so much for you and I tried so hard for so long to seperate myself from that. And that night, you were sitting there, and you were so wrecked. And I only wanted to shoulder some of that pain. But then, I said those words without thinking and I had my whole life that I had to worry about, so many other commitments that I had made prior to you. After those words, there was no way I could keep my promises to everyone. And you were the one that I had to sacrifice. And I'm so sorry.