Everything, a bill fanfic

Title: Everything

Author: Loz

E-Mail: loz06(at)yahoo(dot)com

Rating: K+

Category: Neil.Andrea...Who else?

Series: Stand alone…Not related to anything else I've done

Spoilers: So minor it shouldn't ruffle any feathers.

Archive (if applicable): www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net(slash)loz06

Feedback: The good, the bad and the very ugly it's all appreciated.

Summary: Set after soft interview room break up. How Andrea's feeling.

Disclaimers: Lyrics from M2M "Everything". I don't own the Bill either. That covers everything.

It's been nine days, eight hours

Forty minutes, ten seconds

Since you called

She opens her eyes looking at the clock.

The sun hits her for the first time and she recoils as a reflex, like a tortoise back into its shell having sensed danger, she hides under the duvet.

It's 7:38am and this is no day for a lie in.

It's 7:38am and it's been more than 15 hours since she met Neil in the soft interview room.

That's entirely the reason she wants to stay where she is under the duvet.

I've been so crazy

I've just about

Taken our picture

Off the wall.

She'd shed tears after he first told her his decision. In that room, exposed for everyone to see.

She was upset.

And then she got angry.

Angry that he got scared, first sign of something difficult, a hiccup and his solution was to end things.

Angry that he ended it with simple words and walked away.

Without checking how she was.

If she was all right.

He gave her no chance to protest or to have her say.

This has been a reality check he'd said. She was starting to think she might have been a reality check in his life…how good it could be.

Could you live a lie? He asked and immediately dismissed her yes answer.

He apologised but followed by telling her he didn't want this anymore.

'This' was what he reduced them to. Like it was lunch he'd finished eating.

That made her angry.

When she got home she deleted his messages she'd been keeping. One after one her finger jabbed the delete button.

Then she deleted his number from speed dial.

The gifts he bought her went into the bin, the shirt of his she slept in as well.

She turned the photos of them over and buried them in her bottom drawer with her clothes that don't fit anymore.

Fitting as he seemed to have decided she didn't fit his life anymore.

She stopped being angry then.

And started to cry again.

It's been three months

Over hundred days

Since you held my hand

"Do you have to go now?" She leans against the kitchen bench pushing her bed swept hair out her face and picks up her tea from the counter next to her.

"I'm already late." He looks up from the fridge where he'd been searching for something to eat. He stands, hand on top of the fridge door looking across at her.

She folds under the affection of his look, stirring her tea with her index finger, eyes on the floor.

The fridge door closes quietly and she keeps stirring, his feet shuffle into view and stop in front of her.

He gently takes the cup of tea from her hand and places it back on the counter, his other hand gently traces down her arm from her elbow and links fingers with hers.

He leans in and kisses her forehead and though she closes her eyes, her fingers run along the edges of his silk tie.

"We've got to get that search warrant today…" He leaves a pause, squeezing her hand once. "What are you going to do today?"

"I have some things." She says non-committingly, slowly she looks up to meet his eyes.

His lips meet hers in a sweet kiss, "I'll call you."

It's a promise he so rarely keeps but it never stops her from hoping just once he'll come through.

She doesn't let go of his hand until there's too much space between them.

When the flat door closes she replaces his warmth with her cup of tea.

The tea has already cooled; she should have seen it coming then.

That was the last time they were together.

And I miss you

A thousand ways

Will I ever see you again?

She comes out from under the duvet to be met by the same morning sun which she's been avoiding like she wants to work today.

She runs her hand over the left side of the bed. When she was single she used to take up the whole bed, since him…

She expects it to be cold, lack of heat is not what she's searching for.

The bed is cold more mornings than not.

There's usually a note.

A good morning note, penned in his own handwriting, he usually leaves.

It speaks of the time they shared the night before and how he wishes he could stay.

It leaves her filled with a warmth similar to that she experienced when he was with her and it fills the spaces in her created by his absence.

It's one of the thousand things she'll miss about him.

She'll miss seeing him.

Not the seeing him that will have him there in the corridors everyday, passing each other, a case possibly meaning they'll have to work together.

She'll see him again everyday.

But the one where he's in control and commanding; wears a face which gives away nothing.

It's the other seeing she'll never have again.

The vulnerable and nervous him, unsure, the confidence he displays at work gone, the man who's generous, affectionate and loving. The man who cares for her on a greater level that she does anyone else.

She'll never see him again that way.

How did it change so fast?

(I won't give you

To the past)

I really though it'd last.

In the bathroom mirror she stares at herself for the longest time, she looks better than she thought she would.

She fumbles with her toothbrush and paste, the brush rattles to the bottom of the basin and she looks to the ceiling and sighs.

She has not idea how Kerry found out. And so fast.

She was so careful. They were so careful.

Phone calls where no one else was around, general conversation that could be mistaken for a chat between friends.

Meets in place they wouldn't be seen. With Bruce she didn't mind but with him…it was a point of contention. Never mention or allude to the other in conversation.

It all happened so suddenly.

It all came crashing down.

And suddenly their world was pressure filled.

She manages to coordinate her brush and paste and continues to wonder.

How did things change from so good to so empty?

How did it change so fast?

She's not ready to let go yet.

She's not ready to let go of her feelings for him, or her memories of them together.

She's not going to give up on them.

She was starting to feel something more for him, something deeper and stronger.

That he cold be everything to her.

Despite their complexities and complications she'd though they had something strong.

Their attraction was strong, they were similar in many ways, and they made a good match.

It was still early for them but she never thought anything would scare him like this has.

He'd been willing to take the risk in the first place; he liked her, she though he'd have more determination to hang on.

She thought it would last.

All that we had was

So unbelievable

In the mornings when he was around…

She lets go of the thought and concentrates on the water from the shower beating down her back.

She relents…

He would wash her back, it never mattered what he said, she was always too grateful to have him there.

He'd make coffee and read her paper.

When they were together things were easy, things just worked between them, they were comfortable.

And at times when she stopped and thought about them.

She found it a little unbelievable.

She'd never had anything like this before.

Now that it's gone

It's just inconceivable

Out of the shower she rubs her hand in a circular motion over the mirror, clearing away the steam which has collected.

When she looks at herself in the mirror she looses the ability to be optimistic.

She can't turn her mind back to when they were together.

It remains on just how everything fell apart so fast.

No matter how much she tries.

She can't get her head around it.

Still in my dreams

You were so damn beautiful

"Doesn't this depress you?" She shifts her head and leans it on his shoulder. He highlights something on the page in front of her but she neither knows what it is nor is interested.

"It's just the news." She changes the channel, flicking all of the way through and back to the news.

"Don't you get enough of the doom and gloom everyday at work?" He asks continuing to highlight.

She buries her head deeper into his shoulder and shifts closer to him. He pulls his arm from between them and puts it around her shoulder. "I guess I just doesn't notice when you're here with me."

"I want to make you happy." He says quietly, his hand stills and his lips press against her forehead.

"You do."

The Middle East conflict story switches to another famine in Africa and she draws herself slowly out of her thoughts. She looks to her right where he sat in her memories, arm around her.

The space next to her is empty now.

All she has left is the beautiful memory.

How could it be

That you ruined my

Everything

The front desk is busy and she passes through unable to see anyone behind the desk for the crowds.

She opens the security door with the alpha numeric key but immediately presses herself against the frame as two of her colleagues rush out.

She watches the rest of the officers that pass her on the way to the locker rooms, none of them know her.

Not really.

They think they do but there's only one person in the building she's opened up to.

He is the only one she hasn't kept her personality traits at bay for.

She suddenly feels claustrophobic; the room goes off shape for a minute.

He's the only one she's told about her family and childhood.

He's the only one who knows who she is first thing of a morning in her flat.

But he's ruined that, rejected it.

"I don't want this anymore." His words repeat in her head.

Standing outside the locker room she wants to turn around and go home.

Hide under the duvet again.

Something has shattered in her.

Confidence and faith has been demolished.

She was invested in him.

Though it was early he was becoming a part of her life.

She looked forward to the next time she'd see him, take delight in small moments in the corridor, sad when he had to leave her.

He could have been everything to her.

It seems like

Everyone every where's in love

So where are you?

"Come here." Her friend whispers, the locker room door open a fraction. She's not sure if she can face the corridors yet and the possibility of coming across him.

The blonde CID detective waits outside the door and she wants to turn away, make an excuse that they'll be spying on a private moment.

He handsome detective approaches, looking around him for casual observers before wrapping his arms around the blonde detective and kissing her.

She turns away, she knows the scene playing out.

So many times she snuck away with him for a few minutes of privacy like the one outside the door.

Fractions of conversation float to her ears from the couple outside

…I miss you…

…I love you…

…Not enough time…

She turns away, tears in her eyes.

She misses him in moments like this that remind her of what they shared.

She wonders where he is.

Is he plagued by memories and reminds?

Does he regret?

Does he feel the same way as her?

And I remember

You couldn't get enough

Said you felt it too

So didn't you?

"So I'll see you again tonight?" He asks, the trip to work from her flat had been one in silence up to this point.

She looks over to him and smiles; he wants to see more of her.

It's what she's been feeling she wants as well.

"What?" He shifts back through the cars gears as he approaches a red light.

She looks down, embarrassed to be caught looking day dreamingly at him, "Nothing."

"No what?" He insists plunging her into further embarrassment.

"You want to see me again." She says shyly.

"I must like you or something." It's said more seriously that she expected.

She immediately goes for her nail, biting down on her index one.

The car pulls away from the lights.

"There's something isn't there?" He breaks the silence.

"No it's fine." She almost gushes, a reassuring gush.

"No I meant…" He trails off.

"Between us?" She boldly finishes, though not so bold she can't look anywhere but out the window like she is.

"Yeah," He says putting them on the same page.

"It's been there since the first day…"

"We met." He says before she has a chance to finish.

"Yeah," She breathes.

She smiles to herself and then across to him.

He reaches his hand out and takes it in hers.

How did it change so fast?

(I won't give you

To the past)

I really though it'd last

She's late to the morning briefing.

It took a while to get herself out of the locker room door.

When she gets to the full briefing room she wishes again she hadn't gotten out of bed that morning.

There's one space left in the cramped room and its right next to him.

She hovers in the doorway but the sergeant soon catches her eye and pauses for a second.

Potential embarrassment in front of her friends and colleagues has her slipping into the remaining spot.

Next to him.

His scent immediately surrounds her and she feels a little heady.

She used to relish the mornings she'd wake up to the sheets around her next, his scent a gentle wake up alarm.

She comes back to attention suddenly, realising she's yet to hear one word of the briefing.

She crosses her arms using it as a show of strength.

A 'look I'm fine' pose.

There's no movement next to her, she doubts he's noticed.

But she needs it and uses it.

It makes all the difference in her mind.

Like this she can outwardly project defiance.

Present the impression she's ok.

Of course the opposite is true,

Particularly right now.

Because all she really wants is to brush the arm of his wool suit and have him react in the slightest way.

Or have him cross his arms as well and touch his fingers with the slightest most intimate brush like they usually would in this situation.

When the briefing is over he doesn't leave right away but she dares not look at him in case her new hardened exterior melts.

When he walks out he does so without acknowledgment from her.

She stands for a moment wondering again how they got to this point so fast.

One thing is clear to her though.

She's not ready to forget him.

All that we had was

So unbelievable

Now that it's gone

It's just inconceivable

Still in my dreams

You were so damn beautiful

How could it be

That you ruined by

Everything

Coming along the corridor she's just glad to be out of the briefing room and to have something else to maintain her focus on.

He calls her by title, she didn't see him behind her but he obviously saw her.

Sighing she looks up, wondering what this is about and not wanting to get into anything.

He asks if she's ok, standing face to face, for a moment she feels a little weak but quickly talks herself into being strong.

Out of habit they check the people around them.

She asks him what he's going to do for her if she's not. She reminds him they're over and he ended it. She takes an opportunity to take a shot at him, to express how hurt and angry she is.

Look, he begins but that's all he manages.

She reverts back to being nice, she can't make a scene here and now and if his concern is genuine….no matter what their past. She'll be fine she assures him and not to worry about her. She just never though doing her job would mean becoming a target for gunmen.

With that she starts to walk away.

He calls her back by name, claiming he still cares.

She weakens, nodding. She still cares too. The curse of being newly broken up.

With bite she tells him she hopes there's no evidence found about their affair among Kerry's things.

He asks what she means and she can't believe he could be so naïve.

She takes another dig, with bite in her voice, indicating Kerry might have written something down and they wouldn't want anyone else to find out they were an item.

She starts to walk away but realises there's more she could fire in his direction.

Bitterly she asks him not to worry, assuring him if the truth came out it would be worse for her.

And it would be.

All that we had was

So unbelievable

Now that it's gone

It's just inconceivable

Still in my dreams

You were so damn beautiful

How could it be

That you ruined by

Everything

Kerry's death just adds another layer of shock. And just like he'd said, she feels a tiny amount of relief that their secret died with her.

The new assignment is just another useful distraction.

This time she hears him behind her.

He uses her title again asking where she's going, she can feel him one step behind her.

She answers plainly giving her intended location.

He hurries in front of her, putting pause her progress. He questions if he was to task her to do something for him instead.

She asks him why he would do this, it's becoming clear he's attempting to make his was back into her favour.

He seems to trip slightly on his words, it might not be safe.

She's not weakening this time, telling him bitterly again she appreciates his concern but it's perhaps a little late.

As are his attempts to neutralize her anger.

She walks straight past him.

Everything Everything Everything

Ooh, hooh

You're really my everything

Everything Everything Everything

Her true employers call annoys her, on top of a grilling from MIT and everything else in the past couple of days.

She smashes into her slimy male colleague outside and talks to her boss, still angry for making her take the risk.

She wants out she tells him, it's not safe.

That's a lie.

Her police job apparently now is unsafe but without journalism she can imagine life a little less complex.

She can imagine her feelings for him growing, without the shadow of secrets and lies.

He comes over angrily, almost marching. She makes up a lame line.

She can see the fire in his eyes as he asks if she's being bothered. This is the work him.

She answers no and he spits out an insult.

They walk away together with the same purposeful strides he approached with.

For the first time she feels like a tiny piece of her is willing to let him back in.

He rescued her just then…even if she didn't need rescuing.

As the day wears on her resolve to remain angry and hurt weakens and that tiny piece of her grows.

It's been nine days, eight hours

Forty minutes, ten seconds

Three months, a hundred days

And I miss you in

A thousand ways

She hears him coming this time and her heart skips a beat. She's waiting in the canteen line and she suspects already this attempt to win her back is going to work.

He asks loudly if he can ask her something, addressing her by title.

She steps out of the queue carefully; she keeps the anticipation that begins to bubble in her a secret.

She addresses him as sir, force of habit making her look around them.

He asks her the next question like its business, what's she doing after work?

She asks him to repeat himself, to be clear and sure, and needing a few seconds to absorb.

She's in control, more that just for the fact they're in public.

A part of her thinks he should have to work for it and today he has.

He says the magic words she loves to hear, that his wife isn't expecting him home tonight.

She's still careful asking what exactly he's proposing, Sir. Even in private she'd be this reserved.

He'd like to make things up to her he tells her but she doesn't instantly appear positive and that makes him pause.

Cause if you need to think about it he offers her and she knows now is the time to put him out of his misery.

She keeps it simple, no…see you later and he walks away.

They have a mutual understanding about times and places.

It's just been resurrected.

She allows herself the faintest smile.

Back in the line for tea Andrea's ears pick up on the song on the radio that flows its pop lyrics into the canteen.

She sings along in her head and as the song comes to a close she adds her own line.

"But I'm going to see you again."

El Fin