S c e n t
Strawberry Shampoo
(sometimes it's easier to cling to dreams)
She smells like summer, like ocean breezes and strawberry shampoo. Peter's eyes absorb her, he is so enthralled that he almost doesn't notice his friends' stares, they are hazy remnants of a past and she is the bright everything that represents the present and the future. Something, somewhere in his mind, tells him to pinch himself, because he is dreaming, but it's impossible for dreams to be this vivid, this real. And then he snaps out of his trance, the smell is still there, as alluring as ever, but so are his friends and their faces.
They are livid, but their harsh words and livid stares do not cut Peter the way he expected, because fury is supposed to burn, to make your heart bleed, and yet it doesn't.
As she marches off, he can still smell her shampoo.
---
She's too good for me, he tells himself, because even if that's not entirely true (he's a Marauder and what are the Marauders if not adored and loved) it's the only way he can forget her, because as much as he feels something when he sees her, and it's so tantalising and exhilarating, but he needs to purge the memories, if only for the sake of remaining James' friend.
Now, Lily is nothing but the indistinct shadow that lurks in his dreams, always dancing gracefully across the background, luring him and yet never coming any closer than she does in life. Even Peter's dreams were designed to mock him, it seems.
Next Hogsmeade weekend, Peter buys a bottle of strawberry shampoo, ignoring the bewildered looks on the faces of his friends.
Its essence is exactly like her, as fresh and invigorating, and yet it isn't. The shampoo smells like her, but it isn't her. It's fake, just a smell, it can't ensnare him quite the way she does in life.
But he still continues to sniff it, knowing, somewhere deep down inside, that this could be as close as he'll get.
---
The shampoo is comforting though, it's like a drug that causes euphoria, except the euphoria is short lived. His mother once told him that a smouldering fire is more real and intense than sparks, because while sparks are electrifying and a vibrant display of light, smouldering fires are more real, they put more effort into developing themselves and they are just so real and intense.
Her strawberry scent may waft over him like the most luscious summer breeze, but it rarely lasts. It filters away quickly, leaving his body, his mind and his spirit aching for more, exactly like the sparks.
---
It was always inevitable, Peter knew this, and he prepared himself for the harsh reality of it all before it even happened, but still his heart aches and his head protests. They were intangible, tangled and knotted and twisted and delirious. They fit together perfectly, their innocence is so genuine and Peter feels like he is drowning, they are the unreachable salvation and he is left to fend for himself, unsure which way is up and which way is down. He's lost, and Lily is the shining beacon of light, but she's being smothered and dulled in his eyes by James and his frequent, passionate kisses.
Sometimes, in that blurry, almost surreal world that lays somewhere between sleep, dreams and reality, he wonders if James can smell her shampoo as well.
---
Peter is there when they first kiss; Sirius grins impishly, Remus is glowing and Peter just feels numb. He does not really exist; he's just an empty shell, devoid of any real emotion and purpose. He wishes he felt searing pain ripping through his muscles, or his fragile heart shattering into a million pieces as though it was nothing more than glass. Something, anything to make sure he really was alive.
They kiss again; Lily's face is glowing with a gorgeous smile that makes her shine like the sun and James is nothing short of over the moon. Peter doesn't believe in astrology, because the stars are doing a poor job of controlling his love life, but he knows that the planets are aligned, that the stars are nodding contentedly. Lily and James are destiny.
Tugging on Sirius' arm, Peter gestures back towards the castle, wanting to do nothing more than cower under the sheets like the little boy that he is and hibernate until the world is sunshine and rainbows again.
Instead, he sits on the toilet, head in hands, sniffing a bottle of strawberry scented shampoo.
---
Peter is the first person James approaches when he decides to marry Lily. He knows this is only because Sirius will laugh and Remus is on mission for the Order, but he appreciates the gesture all the same. He clasps his friend's hand, ignoring the fact that it is sweaty and disgusting. Peter just nods his approval, if he tried to spit out anything else he would most probably choke, not on saliva but on bottled up emotions, all of which are straining and daring to attempt to bubble over and cause a mess.
So James proposes, and Peter stands torpidly in the photo, as close to Lily as he can probably get without it becoming suspicious.
That night, he grabs the shampoo bottle, before thinking better of it. Its heavenly scent only lasts for a minute or so. Instead he reaches to his bedside table, complete with a mug of cold tea, and longingly grasps the photo, before viciously tearing away the section that contains his fellow Marauders. Tapping it with his wand, he neatens the scraggly edge, and tucks it under his pillow.
The shampoo may provide quick relief, but photos and memories last forever.
---
Peter sits in the front row at Lily and James' wedding, making polite talk with Lily's sister, who's obviously horrified by the sheer number of witches and wizards in attendance.
He's elated on James' behalf, for his friend has finally achieved his childhood dream, but something seems to be chewing away at his heart, casting murky shadows and doubt upon their relationship, whispering that it should have been him instead.
Peter pushes the voice away, and goes to ask the bride for the next dance.
Even after all this time, she still smells like shampoo.
---
He leans his head on her shoulder, drinking in the scent, revelling in the closeness that he's always been denied.
"I love you Lily," he whispers, and she stiffens, she pulls away, but she also seems unfazed. Lily has always been rational.
"I'm sorry Wormtail," she says, and that's all it takes. Peter feels that horrid drowning sensation again, he has to get away before he suffocates in memories that while wonderful are now also painful and poisonous. Dwelling on the past aches, rips a little, unrepairable hole in his heart, but pondering a future full of unreciprocated feelings is even worse.
He throws the shampoo bottle in the bin.
---
Two days later, Peter sends an owl to Lucius Malfoy, who's intimidating, but Death Eaters, as he's heard they call themselves, are above love, and that's exactly where he wants to be.
He also rescues the shampoo bottle from the bin.
---
(a/n: So, this is the first part of a threeshot for the Character Sketches Unrequited Love project, where I've claimed Peter x Lily, Dean x Luna and Pansy x Draco. Hopefully, you'll enjoy all three stories, and please, do leave a review ...)
tbc,
-Cuba ...x