/ 'ERE WE GO!/ Story: Manny the Imperial Guard's Chaos-Funded Adventure Into Horseland/ by Iron Cultist Galley/-/
[size=2em]FOR GORK AND MORK!1[/size]
Manny the Imperial Guardsman almost shat his pants as a massive ork slashed his buddy's face in half with a cruel axe's blade. The guardsman fell to the ground, bleeding profusely from his now divided head. Manny was aghast.
"Oh, no… Pedro!" Manny said as the ork suckled on Pedro's vertebrae. "You had too much spine for your own good…"
"Tasty too!" The ork agreed with a swift nod and tossed Pedro's body to the side. Manny whimpered and backed away into a pile of rubble behind him that used to be a McEmperor's franchise before the ork WAAAGH! "Now, wot's Iz to do wif you?"
Manny gulped and fiddled with his lasgun, smiling nervously at the massive green beast towering over him. All around them the landscape was a mirrored image of the same situation, perhaps because they were inside the ruins of a House of Mirrors, but that's unimportant.
"Err, let me live?" Manny spewed out with a quivering smile, half-hoping that the ork was stupid enough to-
"No, I'll eat yer liver." The ork clapped his hands, smiled and grabbed the screaming and screeching Manny by his kicking and scrambling limbs before tearing them all off. It goes without mention, he did eat the liver.
Also, Manny died.
The end.
For Manny.
Because, y'know, he's dead. Like a lot.
Losing the liver via biting tends to do that.
Yeah.
Manny opened his eyes once more to find himself surrounded by intoxicatingly delicious energy crackling around him like thousands of electric discharges simultaneously going off on his skin. He felt peaceful, and naked.
His nakedness, however, was the least of his concern as he rapidly realized he was inside the dreaded Warp. The chaotic energy was palpable in the air, and Manny suddenly became terrified. He was not only naked, but he was naked inside the Warp, but not only that; he was naked, in the Warp, and surrounded on all sides by dark energy.
"Oh shit." Said Manny, trying to cover his growing erection as none other than the motherfucking God Emperor of Mankind gracefully glided down from the chaotic Warp storms thundering above him down to the insignificant imperial guardsman below. Manny suddenly became aware of two things:
Firstly, he was stark naked, with a massive erection, in the middle of the Warp with none other than the big guy himself approaching him.
Second, the ork had kept his liver.
"My son, do you know who I am?" Spoke the Emperor in a glorious voice reminiscent of a choir of a billion, angelical castratos, but overflowing with such copious amounts of masculine testosterone that Manny felt his non-existent vagina overflowing and he began to lactate. "Do you know why you've been summoned?"
The light of a billion suns reflected off the Emperor's glorious armor to create such a powerful light that no darkness could ever hope to outshine it. The armor was tight fitting to accommodate to the Emperor's extremely fit and beautiful body. His abs were perfectly outlined to the most minimum detail, his biceps bulged and hardened whenever he flexed them. Manny felt drool leaving his mouth as the sight of the Emperor's-
"My son, up here, if you please."
Manny shook his head to clear it, and he looked up to the Emperor's smiling face. His jaw was chiseled out of marble, it seemed to Manny, and his eyes were the embodiment of sensuality itself. Oh, and that nose… If Manny had had any clothes on, he'd have needed to change them.
"Umm… I… I'm Manny, my Emperor… I mean, your Emperor! No, you're the Emperor, and I'm yours. Not that you're mine, not my Emperor… I mean yes! You're my Emperor, but you don't belong to me, you belong to you, or not, I don't know!" Manny covered his face, blushing madly at how much of an idiot he was being in front of THE EMPEROR.
But the Emperor was merciful, so he simply smiled with his incredibly masculine lips and beckoned for Manny to follow him.
Manny nodded and scrambled behind the Emperor, completely unconcerned by being able to walk normally in the Warp. The Emperor was obviously doing it. He could do anything with his slick, oil-covered abs and bulging-
"Here, my son. Enter, and refrain from trying to flee, if you can."
Manny gulped but did as he was told. The Emperor would obviously protect him. The tiny guardsman walked over to the Emperor and to the large wooden door that had materialized beside him. At the behest of the Emperor's virile smile, Manny opened the door and entered.
As soon as the door was open enough for Manny to see inside, all those occupying the room became aware of just how loud and effeminate an Imperial Guardsman's scream can be.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Screeched Manny with all his strength as the faces of a myriad xenos and other scary things materialized before him. "EMPEROR, PLEASE HOLD ME!"
The Emperor rolled his eyes and smacked Manny in the back of the head with his robust, firm, steady and powerful hand, knocking the guardsman unconscious.
Manny was getting tired of being hit in the head, having his liver eaten, and then waking up naked. It was like having to share a tent with a Catachan guardsman all over again, and Manny wasn't going to have any of it, unless anyone else wanted him to, in which case he couldn't do much...
Manny was sitting in the middle of a large, round table with a hole and chair in the middle. The Emperor was facing him, and beside him was Khorne on the right, then Slaanesh on the left, and there were also Gork and Mork, Nurgle, Tzeentch, some Eldars, a few Necrons, and helluvalot of weird shit. Even Malal was there, but Manny didn't know that. No one knew Malal...
"Okay, so let me get this straight then..." Manny said, rubbing his temples. He was fairly confused. He felt as though he'd been skullfucked by an entire Chapter of angry space marines. It was not a pretty feeling. On the plus side, he was clothed. On the bad side, he was also surrounded by every living God in existence. "You want me to go to a weird planet inside the Eye of Terror..."
"Yes." Replied everygod.
"...to convince a bunch of xenos of drinking this stuff..." Manny held up a vial that Slaanesh had given him during the event that Manny had come to name 'The Butt Stretcher' because he felt exactly that way after being told what they wanted from him.
Slaanesh giggled as everygod nodded, and Manny realized the liquid inside the glass roughly resembled semen.
"Eww..." He winced. "Okay, and I must do this alongside a bunch of weirdos of your choosing because... because why, again?"
"Because we believe in you-" The Emperor began, but Khorned slammed a fist into the table so hard it drew blood from the wood.
"BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THAT'S WHY!"
Manny 'eeped' and peed himself a little. "Okay, Mr. Khorne. Please don't hurt me." He squeaked and shrank as much as he could into the chair.
The Emperor sighed and stood up. He searched inside his beautiful pockets and produced a small figurine. "This, Manny, is why we need you to do this." He placed the figurine on the counter and sat back down.
Manny recovered enough from his terror to look at the figurine. It was a small, plastic, purple horse. A pony toy that was probably older than the Imperium itself. The guardsman didn't know what to say, so he stayed silent as one by one, everyone took a hand into their pockets and started placing more figurines on the table. Except for Slaanesh, who instead searched inside hiers panties.
A pristine white unicorn with a purple mane stood before Tzeentch. A bright pink pony was placed in front of Slaanesh; Nurgle happily put forth a yellow pony with a pink mane, while Gork and Mork loudly slammed down two cream colored ponies with red manes and joyously announced their names "Flim!" and "Flam!". One by one everyone put a pony on the table, except for Khorne.
"Khorne, you too." Said the Emperor.
"Do it, you brute." Slaanesh urged.
"Orkz put ponis! Spiky Boy put poni too!" Demanded the ork twins.
Finally Khorne grumbled in annoyance and roughly pulled out a perfectly intact and well-cared for white pony with a multicolored mane and a golden crown on her head.
"Cake for the cake goddess..." He muttered and sat back on his chair.
Manny was baffled. He had no idea what that whole, apparently-emotional display was supposed to mean. He simply shut it and waited for the gods to explain what exactly was going on.
The Emperor looked Manny in the eye and spoke.
"We need you to do this, Manny. We cannot trust ourselves to not lose it if faced by our idols. You must be the one to take this vial and convince them to drink it, or else they may not survive what is to come."
"W-what is to come?" Manny asked with a trembling voice.
"The end of ponykind." They all said in unison, perfectly scaring Manny once more.
And once more did Manny feel the piss sliding down his leg.
Unbeknownst to them all, Twilight Sparkle looked up from her studies and stared at the sky. Rainbow Dash looked at her and arched an eyebrow.
"What is it, Twilight?"
"I don't know, Rainbow Dash. It just feels as if the universe were gathering its greatest and most powerful forces to conjure up the most pathetic beings in the galaxy for a task much greater than themselves..."
"Uh-huh." Rainbow sighed and rolled off the balcony. Her wings spread out and she flew away, shouting a big, loud, "NEEEEEEEERD!"
Twilight sighed, then returned to her studies.
"Whatever."
She had no idea what awaited her.