Playlist for this Chapter is 'Heartbroken, In disrepair' by Dan Auerbach. Check it out. He is fucking sweet!
There is no light, there is no charm
All my belongings, I hold in one arm
under the bridge, asleep in the shade
All of the terrible choices I made.
My skin crawls as I feel every prick. Not one eye is focusing on anything but the outcast before them. The rain slips from my hood dripping down before my eyes, mixing blue with black. Lifting my head the fresh water cleanses my face, sticking my bangs to my forehead.
Though this is only my first day, a clean slate I will never get. No light at the end of the tunnel for me. Small town ears hear everything, even my echos from Phoenix. I am nothing but a murderer. A doped up, fuck up. That will never change.
I prayed many nights for another chance to do it all over. Packs of cigarettes and yellow fingers later I finally realized God never gave a damn about me in the past and never would. I should have died a month ago. I'm defective, too many shattered pieces to ever be right again.
Searching for light, gasping for air
Heartbroken, in disrepair
The guidance consoler in the office doesn't speak more that she has to, quickly shoving my papers at me before turning back to her computer. My cold hands grasp before turning and fumbling out of the office. The teachers alternate between shaking their heads and studiously ignoring my presence as I walk by them counting off the numbers on the doors.
Charlie is the only one whose spoken more than a handful of words to me since. He assures me it wasn't my fault daily. His words fall on deaf ears. While I never put the smoking gun in his hand, I sure as hell helped put it their.
Nana fell back on her religion. She gave me my great grandmothers rosary as a parting gift. She firmly believed that only god could save me now. Her god may save me as many times as she wishes him too but here in this world my sins will never be erased . I'm still me and I've got a list in my chest till I'm done.
God may forgive me, but that's not enough'
Cause I gotta live in my chest, till I'm dust
Renee and Nana haven't spoken to me since I left four days ago. I wish I could say the same for Charlie. He still hopes everyday that his little girl from all the summer vacations will come running through the door with skinned knees for him to kiss all better. He doesn't see that I'm not his little girl anymore and never will be. My body may appear to be many things but on the inside I am nothing but a monster. The line between good and evil was always too thin for me. I walked it many years trying to be his perfect little angel. The war was lost and I haven't any fight left.
Renee and I are too much alike. The apple never falls far from the tree. We destroy the ones we love. She stole my fathers soul when she left him. I stole my best friends. I lived and loved but it was never enough.
Just walk on by, if we pass on the street
Sometimes in battle, it's best to retreat
Room 409. The flickering fluorescent light calls to me like a moth to a flame. I know this year will kill me but in death comes great release. Maybe, just maybe I'll feel the burn and get even a small portion of what I deserve.
My feet drag forward stopping just at the teachers desk as I place my note in front of the balding middle aged man. His eyes widen slightly before he shakes his head looking back at the note and hastily scribbling his initials.
I turn, walking away to an empty seat, before he stops me.
"Miss Swan, would please greet the class before you take a seat. I'm sure you would like to get to know a few of our students as you will be living here now." He states. "Tell us your name and a little about yourself."
I turn lifting my head and letting one ear bud fall down to my waist.
I couldn't care less about this class, this town, or these people but my mouth has other ideas. It forms the words on impulse. The first words I've spoken in public since walking out of that hospital.
"Bella. Just Bella."
Searching for light, gasping for air
Heartbroken, in disrepair.