Authors note: This story is based off of the things that I am going through. Please be kind if you want to criticize.
He sat with his arms wrapped around his legs. His head was resting on his knees as he closed his eyes. His heart was pounding. He felt like the walls were closing in around him. His mind was racing with the familiar phrases that he heard during his childhood.
Fag. Sinner. Diseased. Broken. Gays will be the destruction of America. Perverted. Dangerous. Destroying the family. epitome of godless. Idolaters. Bearers of God's wrath.Was this what he was? Nothing more than God's mistake. His bastard child. Why? Why did he put him in this world only to hate him? Did God set him up for destruction? Was his love really that evil?
He couldn't change. God knows He tried! He prayed, he fasted, and he did everything he could but he never changed.
God knows he wanted to. He never wanted to be rejected by his family. He never wanted to be the talk of the small town that he grew up in. It seemed like everyone knew before he even came out. Damn.
These thoughts raced through his head. They consumed him. It was as if his brain was stuck in a rut constantly repeating his damnation, his perdition. He didn't want to move. His heart literally hurt as he focused on his breathing, trying to drown out these thoughts. He was alone. He couldn't call anyone or at least he didn't know of anyone who could pull him out of himself. What did they know anyways? They wouldn't understand that he couldn't just let go of everything he believed as a child.
He thought he escaped when he left his small town. He thought life would improve. And it did, but still how easy he fell back into this darkness. How easy he fell into the state of mind where life, at least his own, meant nothing. How easily these demons from his past returned to haunt him.
The door opened in the distance and his heart broke for the man who was walking in the door.
"Edward," the person called as his keys clanged in the bowl next to the door. "Where are you baby?"
Edward didn't answer. He couldn't answer. He was humiliated that Jasper, the only good thing about being gay, would see him in this darkness.
"Edward?" Jasper called out again. His voice slightly changed. It contained a twinge of worry. "Are you home, baby?"
Jasper's foots steps approached as Edward tried to dry his tears before Jasper saw him. Jasper stopped at the door to the living room and looked at him. "Edward…" he whispered from the door. His foots steps were quick and soon he was by his side kneeling. His strong arms wrapped around Edward, and his lips touched Edward's temple in a brush of a kiss. One of Jasper's hands moved to Edward's face and wiped his tears away. Jasper slowly stroked Edward's cheek.
His face held such compassion that Edward was hit with guilt. He tried to turn his head but Jasper's hand forced him to keep looking into his eyes.
"I can't do this!" Edward sobbed. "I can't keep going like this. I'm so scared of everything. All I want to do is disappear. I have failed. I have failed his family, his church, and his God. Everything that I loved I have hurt. I can't do this to you. I can't be whole. I can't give you what you deserve. Every time that I feel okay something sets me back and there I am curled in a ball crying. You deserve someone who knows who they are. You deserve to be with someone that can love you fully without having his past hold him back. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this…."
"Shhhhhh" Jasper whispered as his lips kissed all over Edward's face. He kissed Edward's forehead, his closed eyes, his cheeks, and finally he brushed his lips against Edward's. "Shhhhhhhhhhh" was all he said. Jasper brushed his lips against Edward's so slightly that he barely felt them there. He kissed him lightly again. When he was done, he pulled Edward's head into his chest. Jasper's heart beat filled his ears. With each pump of his blood through his veins peace pumped through mine. His sobs slowed but I couldn't stop his tears.
"Sweet sweet Edward. What have they done to you?"
Then he just held him. No words were said. At that moment, none were needed. I wasn't alone. For a moment I felt okay. I felt like there could be hope. I felt at home.
"I don't know what you experienced growing up. I never had to deal with the ideas that you still struggle with. I never felt the rejection you faced in your home and in your church. I know that being gay destroyed any illusion of having the answers but know this. Know that I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in this life. "He emphasized his words with a kiss to his lips. "I don't pretend to have the answers. I don't know what I feel about God but I know this. The love for you that I have cannot be evil. Didn't Christ say sohimwhere that a bad tree could not produce good fruit? Is not the love that I have for you the essence of good?"
He stopped talking and I looked into his eyes. I saw the love that he spoke of. "Know this ,Edward. If they are right, If the love that we have for each other is a sin then I will gladly go to hell to be with you. I hate that you struggle every day with just being yourself. I hate that I can't carry this for you. But God damn it! I will not let you be alone! I will not let you sabotage yourself! You say I deserve more? I want you and only you. Baggage and all, baby. I want you. I will net let you go."
His eyes filled with tears as he pleaded with him. "I love you God Damn It!" he shouted as he pulled him close." I will not let you go. Please, please, don't ask him to let you go."
He separated us and began to take of his shirt. When he was done with taking of his own shirt he took off mine. His hand grabbed mine and placed his hand over heart. He said nothing but I knew what he was trying to say.
He stood up and pulled him up with him. He took his hand lead him to their bedroom and took off his pants. He did the same with his. He pulled him into our bed and held him. Skin against skin his loneliness had no room place. He felt Jasper's arms wrap around him and he turned him to face him. Jasper's eyes stared into Edward's as he held him.
Edward wasn't alone. He didn't have the answers. He didn't know anything except this. He loved this man, Jasper, with all his heart. He was strength when Edward couldn't go on. His heart beat against his chest. He felt peace and He felt right with God. For the first time, in a long time, Edward wasn't scared of God. He was home.