Hey-a, guys! The usual, I guess.
I don't own Digimon, Taito. Rated for language, mentions of child abuse/neglect. Whatever, right? Maybe I should practise some happy go lucky fluff stuff instead. lol
Leave me a review/send me a message, I always answer, unless you don't leave me a way to respond!
When you're told that you're nothing, no one loves you, you shouldn't have been born, it gets to you. I mean, that's all I've heard my whole life. I screwed my dad up at work, because I was crying that night as an infant, hungry, because my mother wasn't allowed to feed me. When I could walk, I was always touching things. My father has always hated me. I mean, always. Since before I was even born he'd told my mother how much he didn't want me. She's never tried to stop him from hurting me. Didn't care enough to bother, I guess. Then, of course my sister was born. And she was perfect. She didn't cry, she didn't touch things, she listened. She was just..good. Unlike me. By the time I was 12, I hated myself. Because that's what I'd always been taught. I was no good, and no one could ever love me.
Of course I never let anyone else see that. I laughed the most, the loudest, I was always the one trying to cheer everyone up. Then, at summer camp that my mom begged my father to let me go to, I met the one person that changed everything.
Goddamn Yamato Ishida. Stupid cool blonde, with blue eyes. We hated each other at first. Yamato was everything I couldn't be. He was neutral, to everything except his brother, and he was perfect. He had the perfect look, the perfect hair, the perfect voice, even at 12, girls were willing to do anything he wanted. Older girls too, would laugh and giggle when he'd look at them. But he wasn't interested. Not even close.
After our intial trip to the Digital World, Yamato and I became close. I don't know if he picked up on my constant inner battle, or if he just decided he liked me. Either way, we were friends. My dad had to back off a little bit, because Yamato was always there. Always. It was nearly impossible to seperate us. Except when Yamato was 14, he got really into his music. I mean, really into it. Even formed a band. He still always found time for me. For all of the Digidestined, but mostly me.
When I was 15, Yamato called me, and said I had to meet him in the park, he was scared. I snuck out, and rushed to meet him, and found Yamato shaking on a bench. Those beautiful blue eyes of his were all pupil. Black over powered the blue. Yamato explained he was pretty sure he was drugged. We spent the night hidden behind trees in the park. Yamato had laughed and giggled, snuggled against my side. And it hit me so suddenly I had a hard time breathing. I had feelings for Yamato.
I ignored my feelings, stuffed them down deep, because, why would I want someone to know how I felt if no one could ever love me? Being boys didn't seem to be an issue. Yamato decided sometime bewteen ages 14-16 he liked boys, and so it was no surprise to see him with a different boy every few weeks. He got bored fast, and I sat by quietly and watched. I never said anything, never even really thought about it. It hurt too much.
And then, sometime after my 16th birthday, Yamato kissed me. It had been a confusing night, Yamato had been high on exctasy, again, which kind of became habit for him, and we ended up having sex. I had my first kiss with him, lost my virginty too him. It hurt emotionally in the morning, I expected him to apologise. But he didn't. He stayed nestled against my side for hours after. Until his cell phone started ringing, and he had to go get ready for some band thing he had. Before he left though, he had kissed me again, lightly, and then he was gone. I didn't see him for two days, but when I did see him again, the changes that happened stayed.
I sigh as I open my eyes. The bed is cold. The side of bed that should have my angel-like blonde is empty. I crawl out of the bed, hoping Yamato hasn't left yet. I stumble across the room, the floor covered in stuff Yamato chucked across the room when he decided that it didn't need to go with him. I check the living room first, which is empty. There's no noise from the direction of the kitchen. A fauct turns on behind me, and backtrack past the bedroom towards the bathroom. My Yama is there, and he looks perfect, like always. His hair is still a mess from sleep, and all he's wearing his a pair of my track pants. The tattoo on his shoulder flashes at me, and I enter the bathroom, to wrap my arms around his wasit.
"Morning," He says around his toothbrush.
"Hi," I say, hiding my face against his neck. "Do you really have to go?" I whisper.
Yamato doesn't answer at first, but then I hear him spit out his mouth of toothpaste and drop his toothbrush back in it's place. He turns around in my arms.
"No. If you really want me to stay, I'll cancel." He says. He says it with total conviction, like it isn't really a big deal he just told me he'd cancel his first tour with his band.
In the four years Yamato and I have been together, he's never been away longer then a night or two, and I don't know if I can handle life without him.
"A year is a really long time," I say quietly. Yamato nuzzles me.
"I'll be back for the holidays. I couldn't stay away for a year."
"What if you find someone not so...so broken?" I ask.
"Taichi," Yamato says, it makes me look up finally, which earns me a quick kiss. "I won't find anyone else, okay?"
"Okay," I agree. I release my Yama, so he can finish getting ready.
I stay close, though. And I watch him. He doesn't make me leave when he changes, yanking on too tight jeans, and a shirt he shouldn't be allowed to wear outside of the house, he doesn't make me leave as he spends time getting his hair just right. I follow him into the kitchen where he cooks one last meal for the both of us.
We spend the majority of our morning in silence. I'm too busy fretting about my Yama not coming home to me, Yamato is lost in his own thoughts. When Yamato starts dragging his bags to the door to wait for the rest of the band, I collapse on the couch. A few minutes later I'm treated to a lapful of Yamato. He nuzzles into my neck, placing kisses along my jaw.
"...'Chi," Yamato says softly. I'm sure he said my whole name, part of it too quiet for me to hear.
"Hmm?"
"I'm laying down rules, so listen." He says, sitting up, legs on either side of mine. I can make myself look at his face. He's going to be gone soon.
"Okay," I tell him.
"Stay away from your parents. Please." I nod my head, that one is easy enough, I avoid them at all costs anyway. "Call me whenever you need me. Whenever, Tai. I'll only not answer if I'm on stage." I nod again, although I can't make any real promises on this one. I know he's going to busy. Probably too busy for me.
Yamato's cell phone starts ringing, he doesn't even look at it, where it's left on the table behind him.
"No animals." I forwn at Yamato. "Seriously, Tai. The last thing we need is an animal right now, okay?"
"Okay," I agree. I get a kiss for that one. Yamato's phone stops ringing, then starts again, a different song playing. Once again, my Yama ignores it.
"I'll be home in like, two months." I glance up at that.
"Really?"
"Mhm, probably only for a night or two, but..I'll be here." Someone bangs on the door, and Yamato sighs. Apparently he doesn't want to go as bad as he made me think. He kisses me again before climbing off my lap. "I'll call you later, okay?" I get onto my knees and lean against the back of the couch to watch Yamato leave.
When the door closes, I'm over whelmed by the feeling of loneliness.
Those first two months were almost easy. Almost. I call him like promised, and he calls me every night before he goes to sleep, even if I don't answer. I wait, everyday, for him to call and say "I can't do this" He never does. Then one day I come home from work, and find my house smells like food, and I get a very over excited blonde in my arms. He doesn't even say hi before he's kissing me. He drags me around like an accessory for the three days he's in town, and I don't complain. Not even when pictures of us appear online and in magazines together.
As the next few months go by, I struggle to get through daily life. Yamato calls lessen, although he still calls as often as he can, and almost always picks up when I call him still. But I stop answering his calls. He always seems so happy. And I can't be happy without him. Eventually Yamato just stops calling. When Yamato's brother tells me Yamato isn't coming home as was planned for Christmas, I almost lose my mind. I want to see him, I just can't handle only talking to him on the phone. I feel like I'm lying to him, pretending to be happy, when it's a struggle just to get out of bed.
Yamato's been gone for six months when a headline on a magazine catches my attention. One of the band members called of the rest of the their tour. They're all coming home. No one is sure why it was cancelled yet. I rush home to call Yamato. Unsurprisingly, he doesn't pick up. I call Yamato's brother, who tells me he doesn't know anything, either. I call Yamato's dad, and he says the same thing, he's only spoken to Yamato twice since he's been gone.
I wait, unsure if Yamato will even come home. I try calling him a dozen times, and Yamato doesn't answer. Days go by, and there's no way they can't not be home by now. And still nothing. I guess my father really was right. It's too hard to love me, I'm just a mess.
Miserable, I pace the apartment that makes me think of Yamato. Everything has something to do with him. And then I wonder why I'm even still alive. I can't even go anywhere, it's pouring rain outside, and there's thunder, which is never any good. I debate on just going out anyway. Maybe I'll get hit by a car. Just as I reach the door to yank it open, there's a light tap on it. I swing it open, and my Yama is there. Soaking wet, and shivering.
"Tai," He says quietly. I stumble forward, and he catches me. I hide my face against his freezing cold neck. I can feel the tears. I'm sure he can, too, with how cold his skin is.
I manage to get myself together just long enough to yank him inside and close the door, where I promptly become a hysterical mess on the floor.
My Yama, whose wet, and freezing and looks miserable sits on the floor with me, running his hand along my back as I snuggle into his side. After a few minutes, once I've stopped crying, Yamato rises. He pulls me with him.
"Now we're both soaked and cold." He says. I shrug. I don't care. Yamato leads me by the end to the bathroom, where he strips us both and makes me shower with him. He holds my weight, and I let him.
By the time we're done showering, and Yamato's skin is warmed up, I'm okay enough to dress myself. Yamato opts for my clothes, and I don't say anything. Yamato sits on the edge of the bed. I stay by the dresser.
"I'm sorry," I say.
"Don't be." My Yamato looks up at me, and I could get lost in those stupid sapphire eyes of his.
He reachs out for me, and I come willingly. "Why was your tour cancelled?" I ask, curling up beside him.
"Mmm, I couldn't do it. I missed you too much. I was so busy it was hard to call, but I was always thinking about you, then you stopped answering my calls..." Yamato trails off. Then he laughs. "Maybe next time I'll just have to take you with me." He says.
"Really?" I ask, surprised.
"Mhm. It's too hard to not have you with me. So I guess you'll just have to come," He says.
I shove Yamato down onto the bed, and kiss him. I kiss him with all the emotion I can muster, and he returns it with just as much intesnity.
My father was wrong. Someone could love me. Willingly. I just had to find him, first.