"I'm glad you're here, Merlin"
Five words before he drank the poison. Before he collapsed. Before he died to save me.
I have never felt so helpless.
If it hadn't been in these circumstances such words would have filled me with joy. With hope.
But not here. Not now. Never again.
I was supposed to protect him – and I had! Against magic, against monsters, even against the dead!
But how could I protect him from himself?!
I couldn't. I'd failed and now he was dead. The other half of my soul.
I didn't realise I could hurt so much.
I'm at his side, begging him to wake up. I'm looking at Anhora and begging him, I would gladly die in his place. I listen dumbfounded as he explains about the sleeping draught then disappears into the air. I wait anxiously until Arthur wakes up; dying slowly every minute he remains unconscious.
When he wakes, I'm huddled next to him, my knees drawn up and my face hidden. I hear him though, but don't raise my face to him. I don't want him to see my tears.
Of joy. Of sadness. Of love. Of sheer exasperation.
So many conflicting emotions are coursing through me that I can scarcely breathe.
"Merlin?" His tone is one of confusion. I raise my head, finally, quickly wiping away the tears.
"A sleeping draft" I choke out,
"How could you be so bloody stupid?!" the words are out of my mouth before I can stop them; before I could process them. His face changes, grows expressionless, but I don't care.
"You could have died! You knew you would! And you still drank! I'm only a servant, I am a nothing! You are the Crown Prince! I'm supposed to protect you! Protect you!"
I stop, choking on the tears that once again run down my face. It will do no good.
He stares at me coldly.
"It hurts, doesn't it?"
I stare at him, shocked into breathing more normally. My face twists involuntarily into a look of query, my mouth unable to frame the words. Arthur's eyes soften and he shifts himself until he sits next to me and I lean into him without being conscious of doing so. He allows the contact, deepens it even by wrapping his arm around me.
"I know what it feels like to watch someone drink, knowing they will die" he says, casually, looking straight ahead, not meeting my eye.
"I know what it feels like to watch them, not knowing if they will live. I know, Merlin..." he finally turns to me, staring deeply into my eyes in such an intense way it made me shiver and his voice... the way he said my name, dropping his tone and volume, huskily whispering. It was more than I could bear and my eyes filled with hot and shameful tears.
He pulled me tighter and I rested my head on his breast, his armour cold. He shushed me calmly as if my outburst did not disgrace me.
"I know what it's like to watch someone you love sacrifice their life for you" he barely whispered, but our heads were so close that each and every word fell plainly into my ears.
Someone you love
I raised my head and my mouth pulled itself into a smile as he watched me warily. It was that wariness that convinced me, that told me I needn't be afraid.
"I love you" I whispered and his mouth broke into a wide grin, a smile of pure happiness I had never before seen on the controlled face of my Prince. He pulled me, if possible, even closer to him and kissed me gently on the lips. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the feeling of warm, soft lips on mine. He pulled back and I let him, staring into his eyes. We didn't speak. There was nothing left to say. There were wider implications of our relationship, yet another secret to keep; and the guilt of my greatest secret weighed heavily on me. But for now we remained in silence; with secrets and future worries unspoken. They could wait; we had plenty of time.