Disclaimer: I own nothing, except Sir Percy the Scarlet Poodle.
Sir Percy: (barks despite the fact he is a stuffed animal)
Les Misérables: The Musical
Condensed
Scene 1: At the PrisonPrisoners: Wow, life sucks.
Javert: 24601, you spent your time here, your parole's begun
Valjean: Yipee, I'm free!
Javert: Not really, you get a yellow passport which means you will be shunned and driven from every society, isn't that nice? Now lets cram 100 pages into a few lines.
Valjean: Okey-dokey.
(the author is too lazy to write down the background info)
Javert: Remember 24601, I'm watching you, always watching.
Scene 2: Outside the Bishop's House
Constables: Let's see, a former convict says he got the silver plates from the bishop as a gift, now that's BS if we ever heard it
Bishop: No, actually it's the truth, but Valjean, you forgot the candlesticks, here you go, now go away police guys (to Valjean) Now since I saved your…err…bottom (determined PG rating) you should become a good guy like me (a/n: if anyone's interested about how good a guy the bishop is they should read the first 52 pages of Les Mis, all on how saintly he is)
Scene 3: Somewhere Outside DigneValjean: Where's petit Gervais?
Authoress: Um, not here?
Valjean: Alrighty then. I'll just have to wonder about how cynical and depressed I've become all on my own.
Author: You do that.
Valjean: I feel unloved.
Authoress: But it does go to an awesome tune.
Scene 4: Montreuil-sur-merPoor: Wow, life sucks (again).
Foreman: I'm weeping in pity here.
Poor: Life still sucks.
Random Gossip: The foreman has been having some naughty thoughts concerning Fantine today.
Poor: Life hasn't got any better.
Mean Girl Whose Neck We All Want to Wring: Now, I'll just steal Fantine's letter 'cause I'm such a bi…bad person. Hello, Fantine has a bastard kid.
Fantine: That's none of your business!
Cat fight followsValjean: Ha, I'm a mayor now. Aren't I good?
Authoress: Get on with it.
Valjean: Oh right, children, children settle down. Foreman, I trust you, even though you're probably lower than pond scum, to figure this out.
Everyone: Nice, Valjean.
Valjean: I do try.
Authoress: This is supposed to be condensed!
Foreman: Right. Now someone say how this began.
MGWNWAWTW (Mean Girl Whose Neck We All Want to Wring): Fantine has an illegitimate kid somewhere.
Fantine: Oh, now we're using fancy words.
MGWNWAWTW: and she has to pay some guy to keep the kid and you bet she's getting the money sleeping around adopts saintly voice and the boss wouldn't like it.
Everyone: wants to wring MGWNWAWTW's neck and then give her to Erik to be sunburned to death.
Fantine: Yes, I do have a kid. But there are certainly single mother protection acts somewhere so you can't fire me for that.
Women: Wanna bet? This is 19th century France we can fire whoever we darn well please!
Foreman: And today that would be you!
Authoress: This is getting too long. Wrap it up folks.
Poor: Sack her.
Foreman: Alrighty, then. Goodbye.
Authoress: Everyone should know this is all Tholomyès fault and he's going to Erik's torture chamber with MGWNWAWTW.
Scene 5-SomewhereFantine: Life used to be cool but now it really sucks.
Everyone: This is getting old.
Scene 6-I'm guessing the docksSailors: very rude lines about prostitutes
Whores: ditto
Old Woman: Can I have that trinket?
Fantine: I'll sell it
Old Woman: 4 francs
Fantine: More
Old Woman: Nope.
Fantine: Please?
Old Woman: 5
Fantine: 10
Old Woman: 5
Whores: more lines that don't go in PG fics
Crone: I'll buy your hair.
Fantine: Get lost.
Crone: 10 francs
Fantine: Okay, I am way too much of a nice girl, trying to save my kid.
Sailors/Whores: even more deleted lines
Whores: Come on dearie, you need the money.
Fantine has to turn to prostitution to pay for Cosette and Authoress sends MGWNWAWTW and Foreman to the Machine from the Princess Bride
Scene 7-Somewhere
Valjean: Do I have yet another song about whether I'm good or bad?
Authoress: Yeah, and this one has a wicked cool tune too.
JVJ: Javert just caught a guy he thinks is me. The right thing to do is admit I'm Jean Valjean. What to do, what to do?
Everyone: Come on, this is Jean Valjean, resident saint, it's a bit obvious what's gonna happen.
Valjean: Fine, be that way. Hey Javert, I'm 24601, remember me?
Scene 8: Montreuil-sur-merFantine: I'm dying and talking to my daughter even though she's in Montfermeil. Go me and my super powers.
Valjean: Wow, this sucks. I'm like, practically responsible for this woman's death and that is simply not saintly. I know, I'll look after her child and love her to death and have the whole way-too-protective father thing down pat. Now, that's saintly.
Fantine: Good, now I can die in peace. Does so
Javert: Ha, I caught up with you Mister Evil-Convict. Now, put up your hands like a good boy.
Valjean: Wait, I just became a father, I can't go to jail yet. Nope, Javert, but I'll come back in three days.
Authoress: And knowing Valjean, he would.
Javert: Pshaw, you're a convict. Your word is worth nothing. You'll always be evil.
Valjean: Oh well, ties Javert up Have to go, bye-bye now.
Javert: Uh oh, this sucks.
Scene 9: MontfermeilCosette: When life really sucks (i.e.: all the time) I like to pretend I'm on a castle on a cloud.
Audience: feels really sorry for Cosette, the abused kid
Scene 10: MontfermeilThenardier: I'm the only good innkeeper around here
Authoress: And we present Thenardier, probably the most detestable man alive.
Thenardier: Throughout this whole song I'm talking about what an evil guy I am, but no one seems to notice.
Drinkers: We're really too drunk to care.
Mme. Thenardier: Wow, life sucks.
Authoress: Ring a bell, anyone?
Mme. Thenardier: Rude lines about her husband that he deserves
Scene 11: Montfermeil
Authoress: For anyone's whose interested, here's the Thenardier family philosophy made up by Les-Mis-Genius: Dote on the girls, ignore the boys, abuse the foster kids. Now on with the show (or lack thereof)
Thenardier: Lying through your teeth is fun! Oh please don't take our darling adoptee away.
Valjean: You are a big stinking liar. Fine, I'll play along. Anything to get Saint Jr. out of here. (gives more money)
Mme. Thenardier: Not enough! More money, more!
Everyone: backs away
Valjean: Alrighty then (gives even more money).
Thenardiers: How do we know you're not a creepy guy who stalks little girls by AIMing them?
Valjean: Well giving you more money will certainly convince you. 'Kay Cosette let's go. I have to turn you into a little saintly person.
Scene 12: ParisAuthoress: is jumping up and down ecstatically because this is her favorite of the songs and her favoritest little gamin in THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD gets to sing
Everyone: is scared
Beggars: Life sucks.
Authoress: Not even touching this one.
Gavroche: 'ow do you…(is interrupted by Authoress giggling madly and trying to be a cool devil-may-care gamin like Gavroche)
Gavroche: Okay then. (is disturbed) Well, life sucks but we gotta make the best out of it.
Authoress: Damn straight!
Everyone: blinks because authoress never swears (even damn) though she is inexplicitly fond of the word demned
Beggars: beg
Old Beggar Women: Why are you here girl? Why, in my day…
Young Prostitute: I really don't care.
Old Beggar Women: Sucks for you. I'm gonna tell you anyway.
Pimp: Better move. She can talk for hours.
Beggars: Life sucks but it will change eventually. Yay!
Pessimist: It'll probably get suckier.
Authoress: I don't remember you. Out! Now!
Enjolras: Where are the leaders of… (is interrupted by Authoress singing an absurd cheer about red vests, obsessed revolutionaries, Les Amis, and other stuff)
Marius: Yay for me! Everyone loves me! Cause the Eponine fans and Cosette fans both do so I always win (like Christine).
Authoress: is glaring daggers
Marius: Or not? (whimpers) What kind of mizzy are you?
Authoress: (in very dangerous voice) Just say the line, pea-brain.
Marius: blah blah blah Lamarque funeral plot point blah blah
Beggars: beg to wicked tune
Marius: blah blah blah Lamarque funeral plot point blah blah blah
Everyone: You just said that!
Marius: No, that line had an extra blah.
Everyone: Oh.
Enjolras: Yay! Can I kill people now?
Authoress: Not yet dearie.
Enjolras: is faintly disturbed at being addressed as "dearie"
Beggars: Can you guess?
Everyone: Let us think (fake looks of concentration)
Beggars: Life sucks.
Scene 13-ParisJavert: mutters Nobody likes me everybody hates me guess I'll go eat worms…
Javert fan-girls: We love you Javert!
Javert: Is disturbed by all the exclamation points
Authoress: Now sing.
Javert: Well there's this guy who I'm tracking down who's pretty evil pretty evil
Authoress: Doesn't quite have the same ring as fallen from grace, fallen from grace
Javert: And I'll search for him forever forever
Authoress: Again, we're lacking the ring here (giggles) One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them…
Javert: ANYWAYS, yeah stars are cool and if you fall like Lucifer you are in big trouble and stars stay the same (cause we are very antichange) and if they fall they are busted and so it is written that if you fall you are busted and please let me find this 24601 guy.
Authoress: Is in tears after hearing the condensed version of Stars
Javert: Hey, you wrote it.
Authoress: sobs louder
Scene 14-ParisAuthoress: (is resembling a pogo stick with all her bouncing) ROLE CALL! Sound off! Obsessive One!
Enjolras: (is ranting about royalists, barricades, etc.) (looks up) Oh, here.
Authoress: Drunk One!
Grantaire: (says something we can only assume means here)
Authoress: Hypochondriac!
Joly: I hab a dreadbul feber!
Authoress: Unlucky One!
Lesgle: (trips over black cat) Here!
Authoress: Poetic One!
Jehan: Shh! I am trying to concentrate!
Authoress: Umm… Interesting One!
Courfeyac: Here.
Authoress: Philosophical One!
Combeferre: Am I here?
Authoress: mutters I doubt it nutcase shouts Poster-tearer downer… wait you're not in the musical.
Bahorel: Not fair! LesMisLoony put me in her story anyway (big pleading eyes)
Authoress: Yeah, but WAIT A SEC how'd you know that?
Bahorel (shrugs) Oh this girl with a cascade of golden hair named Marie Suzette gave me something called a laptop…
Authoress: (shrieks) (uses stiletto heeled shoe she has just magically acquired to smash laptop) NO! MARIE-SUZETTES AND TOUCHPADS ARE THE SOURCE OF ALL EVIL!
Bahorel: (shrugs) So, am I in?
Authoress: 'Fraid not dearie, but you can watch like me!
Bahorel: (grabs popcorn and cherry coke as he brightens considerably) Okay.
Authoress: And last on our role-call: The Uber-cool Polish Fanmaker Who Loves His Country More Than Anything
Bahorel: (sarcastic) And we don't play favorites here. (pokes Feuilly) That's you, fan-boy
Feuilly: Huh? Oh, here.
Authoress: (squeals like the poor pathetic fangirl she is) Okay. Everyone's here. Now remember, here at Revolutionaries Anonymous we don't label people. But we do sing!
Bahorel: Ye gods.
Authoress: No one asked for your opinion Mr. I'm-not-important-enough-to-be-in-musical.
Bahorel: (blinks) You do know you're terrible at comebacks, right?
Authoress: (darkly) So I've been told.
Bahorel: Isn't this supposed to be Les Mis Condensed?
Authoress: The keywords there are Les Mis, buster. Ok, action.
Bahorel: And now we're a movie.
Authoress: Do shut up.
Students: Everyone's ready to kick the government's collective…rears.
Enjorlas: Yes, yes, children but we must wait for the time to be right. Not to mention we really need a flag. (Marius enters) Marius, you're late.
Authoress: And you look terrible (giggles insanely).
Everyone (blinks) Okaaay.
Joly: What's wrong Marius? Do you have a fever, cold, pneumonia, bronchitis, cancer…
Grantaire: Have some alcohol, it cures everything.
Marius: (in lala land) Pretty girl, now I'm head over heels in love!
Grantaire: Hey! He can't string a sentence together either. Marius you are funnier than an opera!
Marius: (blinks) I'll take that as a compliment.
Enjolras: Guys, this talk is petty. We must talk about barricades, death, overthrowing the government!
Marius: I'll pass, I like talking about pretty girls.
Enjolras: Marius, I'm sure you mean it well but who cares about your lonely soul? Our little lives don't count at all.
Authoress: (facepalm) My goodness Enjolras, ever heard of a little thing called tact?
Enjolras: What?
Authoress: (facepalms a whole lot)
Students: RED! Highly symbolic BLACK! Highly symbolic RED! Highly symbolic BLACK! Highly symbolic.
Scene 15: ParisEnjolras: Do you hear the people sing? Singing the song of angry men? It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again. When the beating of your heart echoes the beating of the drums, there is a life about to start when tomorrow comes! Wait, isn't that the real song?
Authoress: (wipes back tear) Yeah, I'm not touching the almighty song.
Enjolras: Aren't we emotional.
Bahorel: Since when did you know about sarcasm? But this is nothing, you should see her after All I Ask of You.
Authoress: (nods very vigorously) Wait… How would you know that?
Combeferre: Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong and stand with me?
Authoress (jumps out of her seat) I WILL!
Combeferre (blinks) Beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see?
Coufeyrac: So join in
the fight that will give you the right to be free!
Everyone: Do
you hear the people sing? Singing the song of angry men? It is the
music of a people who will not be slaves again. When the beating of
your heart echoes the beating of the drums, there is a life about to
start when tomorrow comes!
Feuilly: Will you…
Authoress: (screams and takes out one of those big foamy hands that say Feuilly is #1 on them)
Feuilly: give all you can give so that our banner may advance? Some will fall and some will live, will come up and take the chance? The blood of the martyrs will water the meadows of France!
Everyone: Do you hear the people sing? Singing the song of angry men? It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again. When the beating of your heart echoes the beating of the drums, there is a life about to start when tomorrow comes!
Authoress: (is in tears)
Scene 16-ParisCosette: I just fell in love with a guy I saw once. Have I finally cracked?
Everyone: Most likely.
Valjean: Now I get to be the over-protective father. Yipee!
Bahorel: Do I sense sarcasm?
Cosette: You're such a weirdo Daddy. Why don't you tell me more about yourself?
Valjean: Shut up. My therapist tells me it is all behind me now, it can't hurt me…
Cosette: (blinks) Right… But I'm not a kid anymore!
Valjean: I'm not talking.
Marius: I just fell in love with a girl I saw once. Have I finally cracked?
Authoress: You cracked a long time ago, dearie.
Eponine: Sheesh, no one loves me. I'm at the losing end of the love triangle.
Eppies: We love you Eponine, sit tight we're going to set you up with Marius.
Authoress: Everyone pity Eponine, the poor girl.
Eppies: and we'll murder Cosette in the most painful ways imaginable…
Authoress: On second thought, don't pity Eponine, she has quite enough fans, pity Cosette.
Bahorel: Or
me!
Authoress: Or Bahorel.
Marius: I'm totally clueless about your love for me Eponine…but then I'm totally clueless about most stuff so it's not a big surprise.
Scene 17-Paris
Marius: I love you even though I don't know your name (though I secretly think its Ursula).
Cosette: Just like me,
we'll get along great. My name is Cosette.
Marius: Not Ursula
then, bummer.
Cosette: mushy lines
Marius: mushy lines
Authoress: gets bored because of the lack of shooting things
Bahorel: wonders for Authoress' health
Eponine: Well, this sucks and no mistake.
Bahorel: You stole that from the StupidRing parody!
Authoress: It's in the disclaimer. I don't own anything. Besides, it went so well with the whole theme.
Scene 18-Paris (Rue Plumet if you want details)
Thenardier: Here's the place where that rich guy who took my foster kid lives!
Brujon: That's nice.
Thenardier: Do shut up.
Brujon: Who's that?
Thenardier: Don't know.
Babet: It's your daughter, doofus.
Thenardier: Go away Eponine,
Eponine: Nice to see you too, there's nothing to rob here but some love struck people in the garden.
Thenardier: Shut up.
Brujon & Claquesous & Montparnasse: Idiot girl, go away.
Eponine: I'm gonna scream.
Thenardier: DO YOU WANT TO DIE!
Claquesous: This is entertaining (steals Bahorel's popcorn)
Bahorel: Hey!
Eponine: Screams
Thenardier: Scram, we gotta get out of here!
Marius: Let me give you a lot of credit 'Ponine, even though in the book I don't even know you're there.
Eponine: I feel loved.
Scene 19-Paris
Authoress: happily gets out a Shirley Temple and some chocolate covered gummy bears from the bar
Bahorel: (sarcastic) Excellent bar, I can just imagine: "Can I have some cheeto's with my wine?"
Authoress: There's no alcohol.
Bahorel: Why?
Authoress: (stares pointedly at Grantaire, who is still drunk despite being cut off from alcohol for the past 10 days)
Bahorel: Oh, I get it!Authoress: (rolls eyes) Brilliant. You'll be the next Einstein. But since he's not born yet you'll be the previous Einstein… (confuses herself)
Bahorel: Anyways, on with the show!Valjean: One day more! One day more! One day more! Don't you love my catch phrase?
Authoress: Very nice.
Valjean: Thank you.
Marius: Hey, I'm kinda good at the sappy bits, aren't I?
Authoress: Trust me, it's the only thing you're good at.
Valjean: One day more! One day more! One day more…
Cosette: I'm kinda good at them too.
Authoress: Yeah, but you're also good at other stuff.
Eponine: I totally got the unrequited love thing down pat.
Everyone: Hear, hear.
Marius and Cosette: more sappy lines
Eponine: more sad, depressed, lovesick puppy lines
Everyone: blinks and shrugs
Enjolras: Stop, stop. I have heard nothing about overthrowing the government and building barricades yet and that is simply not acceptable.
Marius: suddenly becomes indecisive
Enjolras: Stay with us Marius! Come back to the light!
Marius: I don't know…
Enjolras: Stay!
Marius: I don't know…
Enjolras: Stay!
Marius: I don't know…
Enjolras: Stay!
Marius: I don't know…
Enjolras: Stay!
Marius: I don't know…
Valjean: Enough of that. One day more! One day more! One day more…
Javert: One more day
until I show those college brats just how much the law loves
them…
Everyone: (blinks) That did not make much sense.
Javert: Does it ever?
Everyone: Touché.
Valjean: One day more! One day more! One day more! One day more!
Thénardier: Oh fun, chaos. A thief's best friend.
"Rebel Students": inspirational speech about freedom, equality, brotherhood, etc, etc, until interrupted What, madam, is so funny?
Authoress: (cracking up) "Rebel Students", "Rebel Students"? Can you just imagine? "So what were you in Les Mis?" "Oh, well I was a "rebel student".
No one: gets it
Marius: (out of the blue, but c'mon, what do you expect this is Marius) I've decided I'm staying to fight.
Authoress: How'd you decide?
Marius: Eeny, meeny, miney moe…
Authoress: rolls eyes
Valjean: One day more! One day more! One day more…
Marius and Cosette: are very sad
Javert: (putting on sunglasses) I can make a mean spy if I want.
Eponine: Yo, over here? Still good at the lovesick puppy thing.
Valjean: One day more! One day more! One day more!
Bahorel: Do shut up.
Valjean: doesn't
Marius and Cosette: And we'll still good at being sad.
Javert: And I'm still good at being an obsessed policeman.
Thénardier: And I'm still good at being a creepy innkeeper with total disregard for morals.
Valjean: Oh my gosh, I have a line other than one day more (dies from the shock of it)
Bahorel: We can't have that. (brings Valjean back to life)
Authoress: (blinks) That was…
Bahorel: Amazing, a miracle, impressive?
Authoress: We'll leave it at special.
Students: La, la, something about judgement day.
Javert: ditto
Just about everyone: ditto
Everyone: ONE DAY MORE!
End of Act I