Title: Shampoo
Style: Oneshot, crackfic.
Characters: Neji, Tenten, Lee, a bunch of OCs, and the rest of the Konoha 11.
"Neji! This is an excellent opportunity to exercise your--"
"Exercise my what!?" Neji almost shouted at Lee.
"Oh Neji... just do it! It won't hurt," Tenten pitched into the conversation.
"What? No! Since when were you on Lee's side?"
"Neji! You must seize the moment! You have it! You can do it! Nothing has been more perfect!" Lee said with energy with his eyes ablaze.
"I am *not* doing this, leave me alone! Both of you!" Neji gave a final scowl before turning away and trudging off.
Both Lee and Tenten watched him walk away until he was out of sight. Tenten sighed happily, and Lee's eyes were even more ablaze if it were possible.
"He's going."
Lee smiled a knowing smile, "indeed Tenten."
****
Anyone that knows Neji would think something was wrong with him if they saw him just now. His eyes were wide with disbelief, and his mouth was scrunched up as if he was going to start growling. He thought to himself, *why... why am I here?*
Neji was standing in line outside a building with a lot of girls, and random guys sprinkled here and there. The billboard just up ahead had words written upon it in big flashy colours:
~AUDITIONS HERE FOR LEAFSILK~
Neji surveyed the people around him. He could tell which girls had their hair done. He could almost smell the mousse, the gel, the conditioners, the smell of dried hair with a curling iron, or hairdryer. Neji started to feel superior with his naturally beautiful, and expertly maintained hair. He was sure he would appeal to the casting crew, and they'd take him in in a heartbeat.
As he got closer to the main door to the auditioning room, he could see a smooth stream of girls and boys walking out another side clearly upset for not being chosen. This boosted Neji's confidence even further, as it assured him that he was going to get the spot.
The line shrunk and Neji got closer and closer.
"Next..." a bored voice called from within.
Neji squared his shoulders, and wore his usual authoritative expression and walked in with his head held high.
Through the eyes of the casting crew, the whole thing happened as if time was slowed and that the Lord himself wanted to witness this very miracle. Neji entered and his hair swayed with every movement. His brown hair shined under the lights of the casting room. Every strand had a place on his head, it was the most perfect thing anyone had ever seen. As if rehearsed the entire casting crew took a deep breath in utter awe of Neji. One of them even whispered, "beautiful." The word rang in their ears, and some even nodded absentmindedly.
A man in a flower pattern shirt was the first to snap out of the trance that Neji's hair held.
"Thank the sweet Lord for this glorious day! You're hired!"
Neji smiled to himself, of course... you didn't even have to tell me.
"Photoshoot's tomorrow at seven a.m. here's a security pass. Your name, boy?"
"Hyuuga Neji."
The man scribbled the name quickly on a clipboard and waved to Neji.
****
Next day Neji made his way to the studio, preparing himself for the busy day. He really wasn't bothered for this type of thing, but deep down he knew that he was the right choice for the shampoo ad.
The moment he stepped into the studio he could feel hands on him leading him to a certain section of the studio.
"Hello Neji-san! I'm Yumi, nice to meet you! I'm the make up artist," the lady smiled kindly.
"Make up..." Neji said to himself, then he understood, "hey, what're you going to do to me?"
The lady laughed, "don't worry just some powder on your face so that your face oils don't shine under the lights."
Neji let the woman do what she had to, he wasn't going to start complaining and telling her that his skin was perfectly smooth and oil free. She applied a skintone powder around his nose, cheeks, and chin. All the while, Neji speculated her work through the mirror in front of him. He didn't notice much change, after all it was skin tone powder.
Yumi tutted as she got started on his forehead. Neji's bandages obstructed her way, so she started tugging at them.
"Hey, stop!" Neji retaliated pressing the bandages in place so that she wouldn't move them.
"Honey, they're not going to let you take a picture like that, you need to take the bandages off," she worked against him and pulled the bandages so hard that they ripped.
"Kami--"
"What is that?" Yumi interrupted as she stared at the Hyuuga branch family seal.
"Nothing..." Neji almost mumbled.
"We have to cover this up," Yumi said dutifully.
She pulled out a glass jar of skine tone coloured cream from a cabinet, and placed it with a thud on the table. She opened the jar, and dipped a spatula into the concealer, and slabbed some of it onto his forehead.
"Yes," Yumi said satisfied, "number thirty one was the right choice... and we need a lot of it to cover up that hideous tattoo of yours... Oh, pardon me."
Neji huffed in response.
Yumi rubbed and scrubbed the concealer onto his forehead, bit by bit the green of the seal started to fade. Once finished, Neji looked at himself in the mirror. It was his entire face free of the accursed seal. For just a moment he felt happy, as if he had never gotten the seal in his life. But the happiness bubbled away into rage, because that wasn't the truth.
He walked out of the make up department fists clenched, and teeth grinding. A member of the crew directed him to a corner of the studio, hair stylist. There he met the woman that had muttered 'beautiful' the previous day. She was standing behind the chair patting it fiercely, very obviously indicating that Neji sit himself down.
"Tell me!" she said with a bounce in her voice, "what do you do to make it so... so smooth... and... so silky!"
Neji had already started to feel annoyed by the woman. He sat down, and immediately she plunged her hands into his hair, threading her fingers feeling the texture of his hair, studying every strand, almost as if Neji's head was up for intense research in one of the most prestigious scientific studies known to man.
"I'm sure you've got some secret... come on! Share it!"
After some attempts to convince Neji to spill the beans, he gave in.
"This is just because you're annoying the hell out of me, and I want you to shut up."
The woman's eyes lit up, and she completely disregarded the insult, she jumped from behind him, pulled a chair next to him, sat on it and balled her fists under her chin, staring at Neji with sparkling eyes, and her mouth slightly ajar in anticipation.
"Yes?" she said encouraging him to go on."
"Well..."
"Yes, yes?"
"I use this home made shampoo made by a lady called Asuka-san. She lives here in Konoha and makes her own hair products in her own home. I just happened to bump into her one day, and I appealed to her better nature, and she gave me three bottles of her hair products... a shampoo, conditioner, and hair cream. I use the shampoo twice under the shower, then finish off with the conditioner. Afterwards, I towel dry my hair, then apply the hair cream. I keep it in my hair for five minutes then I just rinse it out with cold water... then I just brush my hair till it's dry... and that's about it... Now do your job."
The woman gave a squeal of delight once he finished, and mimicked a zipper over her mouth, and threw away the key.
"Your secret is safe with me, Neji-san! I'm Midori by the way!"
Neji rolled his eyes, and just let the woman do what she had to do. Which was nothing. She was too dazzled by his hair's natural beauty that she claimed touching it would be a treacherous crime, and a sin against the Holy God of... hair, or something outrageous like that.
Next, Neji was hauled off to another direction, wardrobe. A woman and a man were in charge of the department, as soon as he stepped in, the pair were stripping Neji off of his usual attire.
"What the--!" Neji was in his boxers before he could finish.
"Ami-chan!" the man snapped his fingers at the woman.
"Ryuu-san!" the lady answered.
"Give me the lilac polo shirt, and... hm..." the man circled Neji, thinking what else to clothe him in, "ah! The light brown denim trousers! On the double!"
"Yes, Ryuu-san!"
The woman rushed to a door and started to rummage through a box for the desired clothing. Clothes were flying off behind her and landing into one pile. Ami found the shirt, and with a spring in her step, hung it over the door-knob and continued looking for the trousers. Ami soon found them and gave them to Ryuu, who attempted to dress Neji himself. Though, Neji snatched the clothes out of his hands rather rudely and stepped into the changing room to dress himself.
A few moments later he stepped out with a giant grimace on his face. The stylist, Ryuu, held up a pair of brown shoes with purple laces. Neji's nose scrunched up in distaste but he took them anyways. Ami then gave Neji some final touches, two leather bracelets, and a seashell necklace.
Finally he was guided to the set for the photoshoot. Everyone was running around frantically, waving papers around, taking wires from this place to that, yelling orders to people, bringing in and taking out material for the set.
Neji stood awkwardly in the middle of all the commotion until someone grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to the stage. It was a makeshift mountain scene, with a cliff made of rock and vines growing all over the place. The scene beyond the cliff was a vast open space of ocean and sunset. Well really, it was just some wallpaper that looked really convincing. Anyways, there was a giant fan placed in front of the cliff, and next to the fan was a girl around Neji's age with shoulder length, curly, black hair. The girl looked as lost as Neji.
She was wearing a black mini skirt, and a tight green tank top. Her eyes were a vibrant green. She had eyeliner on, just a tinge of blush, and very light and simple eyeshadow that made her eyes shine, nothing more. She stood in her spot fidgeting and looking left and right. Her lucious curls bounced with every movement, Neji felt almost intimidated. Her hair was so perfect, almost like his... almost.
"Mei! Neji! Get on that cliff!" a feminine yet manly voice called out.
Both Neji and Mei turned to the source of the voice. It was a very lavishly dressed man. He was wearing tight leather pants, and a fish net top with a small jacket, and a necklace with a tooth of some animal. He was bald, but had huge designer glasses perched on his head. His shoes were a vibrant red snake leather, and he moved just like a woman.
"Hey! Stop staring and get-on-that-cliff," he said the last few words with a clap in between each of them.
Neji shook his head and climbed onto the cliff via stairs, so did the girl.
"Alright Neji, dear. I want you to stand at the edge of the cliff, okay? And I want you to turn your head towards me, the camera," insert laugh here, "and I want you to smile happily. Got it?" Neji nodded. "Great! Mei, honey. I want you to--" the photographer grabbed one of the crew that happened to be passing by, and positioned him like he told Neji to do so. "I want you to stand behind Neji, I want you to wrap your right arm around his waist, and lean into his back like this," he demonstrated on the poor man, "and I want you to lay your left hand on Neji's shoulder, okay? But make sure it's also next to your cheek. And I want your forehead to be touching the back of his neck, but I want you to face the camera. And I want you to laugh."
"L-laugh?" Mei said nervously, "but I can't act as if I'm laughing..."
"It's ok honey, someone's gonna be here in a minute to tell you this hilarious joke I heard last week, about a man and a mo-- oh! You'll hear it yourself," the man waved his hand around.
A few moments later the photographer told everyone to get into position. Lights coloured yellow, orange, and red were lit at the bottom of the wallpaper to give the sunset feel. The fan was turned on, and it was suddenly windy. Neji's hair flew behind him artistically, Mei's hair bounced beautifully with the wind. Neji stood there trying to smile. Mei held him around the waist, and she was shaking with laughter.
"Yes! Darling! That's it! The camera loves you! Show me those pearly whites! Yes! Perfect! A few more! Come on! Give it to me! The camera loves you baby, it loves you! Work that gorgeous head of hair! Work it! Come on, you love the camera! And it loves you! It wants to take you out for dinner. And you just can't refuse! Yes, give me that smile! No! Don't move! Stay that way! Beautiful! Gorgeous! Show me what you've got! The camera's curious! Don't be shy, baby, flaunt it!" the photographer said manically pressing the shutter button oh so frantically.
Click, click, click, kacha, kacha, kacha. Surely by now he would've taken at least fifty pictures.
"Stop! Stop! That's it! Turn that fan off!" the photographer said abruptly.
He walked over to the cliff and stood in front of Neji frowning. Mei let go of Neji and stood to the side letting her laughs subside from the joke.
"What's wrong pookey?" the photographer gushed to Neji.
Neji took a step back in disgust, "nothing!"
"Then why do you look like you're disgusted in all my pictures? Do you not know how to smile?" The photographer batted his eyelashes towards Neji, and turned his frown upside down.
The photographer extended his hand to Neji's face and held it tight pushing up the side of his lips, making him look like he's smiling. Neji leaned away from his touch and tried to smile on his own, but it turned out to be what it was before... just another grimace.
"Aw... at least remember the joke Hiro told us."
"It wasn't funny." Neji growled.
The photographer sighed, "Oh well... I guess we're done," he called to everyone, "WE'RE DONE! Let's pack up and give birth to these babies!"
"Yes sir!" The crew said in unison.
****
"Oh my..." Hinata whispered.
"Hey... I don't understand... Isn't that Neji's body?" Kiba stated.
"I believe so," Shino chimed in... or rather, monotoned in.
"How come he looks like that?" Chouji asked, giving a momentary break to his crisp munching.
"It's a matter of cut and paste, guys..." Shikamaru gave his answer to the subject.
"It's still his hair though... right? Hinata?" Ino asked.
"Y-yes..."
"Damn, he has great hair." Ino said to herself.
"Hey guys! What's up-attebayo?" Naruto joined the little crowd.
Akamaru barked welcoming the new visitor. "Take a look at this, Naruto!" Kiba pointed to the large poster.
Naruto followed Kiba's pointed finger to the poster, and his eyes widened and started to laugh.
"Hey everyone! What are you all crowding around for?" Sakura arrived with Sai in tow.
"Look, Sakura," Ino said nodding her head towards the poster.
Sakura stopped in her tracks and sweat-dropped.
"Why..." Sai asked.
Tenten soon appeared and pushed passed the rest to see what's up.
"Kami-sama, this is priceless!" She shrieked with laughter, "Neji is going to kill him."
****
Neji and Lee were both making their way down a gravel path headed towards a training ground, they were scheduled to meet up with Gai-sensei and Tenten. Neji noticed a little crowd with most of his friends and grew curious... so did Lee.
Lee happily skipped over, "hey! What is everyone gathered around for?"
"LEE!" The majority of them screamed in fear.
Tenten's laughing cut in, "oh! Lee!" she clutched her stomach, "where's Neji?"
"Neji? Why... he is over there!" Lee pointed behind him.
Neji, standing in the distance so very oblivious to the whole situation innocently walked up to the little crowd. The bravest to speak up from them all was none other than...
"Hey, Neji! Did you see this yet-ttebayo?"
"See what?" Neji peeked over their heads.
Neji could make out in bold flashy yellow writing, the words Leafsilk. Oh, yes, that poster for the shampoo. As though Neji was magical, a path cleared for him and he could see the poster clearly.
"Nani..." Neji whispered to himself.
It was a great big poster, of himself, and Mei. Well, not entirely himself... it was his body! With... Lee's face instead of his own.
"WHAT THE--" Neji interrupted himself before he could finish and turned violently towards Lee.
Lee laughed nervously, "Neji... I can explain..."
"HOW!?"
"Well..." and not a second later Lee disappeared in a puff of dust, gravel, and debris.
Neji growled before trudging off in anger. He activated his Byakugan and made sure to find the entire crew of the shampoo advert. Perfect, they were all at the studio for a reason Neji didn't really care for. He made his way to the entrance of the area, the security guard gave Neji a friendly wave which was returned by a scornful look. The security guard almost crawled back into his station by the sheer power of Neji's glare.
Neji was at the door. He flung it open, and a sweet chorus chimed through the studio.
"Neji!"
"Nice to see you again!"
"How are you doing?"
"How's that lovely hair of yours?"
Then as immediately as it had began, the cheerful mood cut off.
"A-are you ok?" a member of the lighting crew asked.
"Oh Neji! Sweetheart! How are you doing?" the photographer walked into the room from a door concealed behind a curtain.
By the mere sudden appearence of the photographer, Neji's face contorted into a look of pure hate, the air became heavy with tension.
"Can you explain what the hell you did to my face?" Neji innunciated each word slowly, perfectly, whilst taking careful and menacing steps towards the photographer.
"Neji..." the photographer laughed nervously, "I can explain... ha ha... look, you... you just didn't have the... y'know... the attitude... get what I'm saying? Lee... he was happy... he could smile..."
"Attitude? Attitude? How about I show you some attitude, right here, right now?"
"Neji... calm down... No, wait... NEJI! DON'T, NO!"
A collective gasp sounded around the room, then a shriek, "KENJI-SAN!"
Author's Note: Voila! My dreams come true! I did mention once in my profile (before I changed it) that Neji's hair is one of the reasons why I love him, hahaha, seriously. Hope you enjoy! Reviews are much apprecia-- yeah you know.
Disclaimer: Baaaaaaaaaah, I don't own neither Naruto nor Sunsilk, haha.