Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, Jiraiya would be alive and kicking up a storm.
A writer is nothing without a good beta. All the credit goes to britata348.

Summary: Naruto is going to learn that he does indeed possess a bloodline! But the mysterious R.H. Bloodline might not exactly be what he was wishing for… (A Naruto Bloodline Parody) [DrasticVerse compliant, set during the break before Shippuuden.]

Last Warning: Crack Fic. One-shot.

Onward!

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R.H. Bloodline: A Bloodline!Naruto parody.

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Naruto was sitting on the gigantic roots of the old tree that supported Jiraiya's hermitage. He was waiting for his teacher to arrive. The old man had asked him to not be late, since they had a very important matter to discuss. The young boy was wondering… 'What could it be'?

To be honest, Naruto was not too happy about this. Lately the hermit had been acting strange, giving him odd glances, sighing all the time, looking depressed, then euphoric, only to start moping right away. He had even taken to locking himself in the library, reading many scrolls.

Yep, something was definitely wrong with the old toad. Naruto had to discover what was wrong, and soon; Jiraiya had been neglecting his training for too long. Naruto was thirteen now, and still a genin.

Suddenly the sennin appeared in a puff a smoke.

"You old toad! I've been waiting for–"

"Quiet, kid. I'm here to tell you something… Important."

"Something… Important?" Jiraiya sounded so serious that Naruto swallowed back the angry tirade he had prepared. Better stay put and listen, Jiraiya capitalizing was always bad news.

"Yes, very Important." The hermit took a deep breath and squatted down, to reach Naruto's eye level. "Naruto," Jiraiya began, putting his large hand on the boy's shoulder, "you've got a Bloodline."

First, Naruto did not seem to understand. Suddenly he gasped, mouth hanging open with shock "A … a bloodline?!"

Jiraiya nodded encouragingly.

"What, me? A bloodline? How cool! I knew it, I knew I was special! I was damn right after all! Okay, tell me what it is! No–Wait! Let me guess, okay? Huh…it's some kick ass power, right?"

"Kick ass power you say, kid?" Jiraiya thought a bit before going on, "I must admit I'm a bit jealous… I really wish I could have access to that bloodline. Sucks to be me, I guess. Still," a smile replaced the frown, as a look of pride grazed Jiraiya's features: "I'm pretty satisfied with you kid! But then again, I should have guessed before, I knew you had a knack for it, making up wonderful jutsu own your own at only ten-years-old. Kid, I'm proud of you."

"Oh man, I knew it! Okay, okay, so, is it some kind of summoning pact with extra cool stuff? I'm going to be able to summon dragons and …"

Jiraiya's eyes grew round, and he stopped Naruto "Err… No, not at all."

"Aww crap, you mean I'm stuck with toads?" Naruto had a desperate look on his face.

"Hey what's wrong with toads? Yondaime owned everyone! Wait! I own everyone!"

"Yeah, but toads are not really cool, ya know? They are all greenish red and yucky and they have slobbery tongues…Naruto pouted, "I'd like to summon something cool for a change…"

Jiraiya had started to twitch at the slobbering comment, and by the end he was positively fuming. "You ungrateful brat!" he roared, "I spent weeks teaching you how to summon, and this is how you thank me? Let me tell you something, you lousy excuse of a pupil–" Naruto, realising his mistake, raised his hands up in the air in an appeasing manner, but nothing seemed to be able to quell the toad sage's fury. "…And slobbering? SLOBBERING? Maybe you should go and ask Tsunade, and try to summon snails instead, huh? How's that for slobbering?!"

Naruto swallowed hard and his face blanched. He shook his head, fast, "Nononononono… Err, don't take it that way Ero-sennin… I'm happy you taught me, really! I guess I can still use a henge to turn them into something cool like a fox or so, I guess it's pretty ok. And well, Gamabunta does rock. He's way cooler than Manta or the big snail. Yup, yup. Toads rock." Naruto gave his teacher the thumbs up.

"Naruto?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm not buying it."

"...Crap."

Jiraiya scratched his head and sighed, visibly exhausted. "You know, you could have the grace to look really sorry…"

"So, so, what's my bloodline then? I can command fire? I can turn invisible? I can read in people's mind? Is it something like the sharingan? I can copy Jutsu! That's it, right, right? I'm so going to kick Kakashi-sensei's ass!"

"Naruto…"

"Wait till I go home! I'll copy everything!"

"Naruto…"

"Can you do a couple of Jutsu? I'd want to copy some!"

"Hmm, Naruto…?"

"Like the Swamp of the Underworld thingy! Man, that SO kicked ass!"

"Seesh, Naruto, listen, I-"

"Then we go home and I'll go all 'Swamp of the Underworld' on Tsunade, and she'll see how strong I am!"

The hermit sat down on the grass and slowly exhaled, while Naruto went on talking, "then she'll kneel in front of me, and she'll give me the Hokage's hat,'cause I so own her, and–"

"NARUTO!"

"What?"

"Your bloodline is not the copy type."

"Aww, shit! Then can I switch bodies like Ino? That damn rocked!"

"No, no, Naruto, stop, your bloodline is nothing like that. I think you got me wrong. You see, hmm… how can I put this… your bloodline is not something that can help you in a fighting situation.

"Uh? But then, how can it kick ass?"

"Ok, listen to me boy. Your bloodline is called 'Ridiculously Hot Bloodline'."

"Ridiculously Hot Bloodline …"

Jiraiya beamed down at his student, "Yup, yup, R.H. Bloodline for short."

"Ridicu…" Naruto snapped. "You old moron! Ridiculously Hot Bloodline? What the heck?! What is that stinking crap?"

"Hey! You have no right! I'm warning you, that bloodline is perfect!"

"How can that ridiculous crap kick ass, you jerk!"

"Let me explain. This will simply make you irresistible. You will be unbelievably tall, lean, handsome, charming, spirited, stylish, cool, fun, handsome again, deadly, sharp-witted, anything you want! You will have the body of a Greek god! Did I mention handsome…?" The hermit began counting on his fingers before beaming down at his pupil, "I think I did."

"Again, how is it going to help me kick ass?" asked Naruto, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Listen, the last one who was blessed with that technique is still regarded as the finest specimen of a man ever. Even though his hairstyle made him look like a yellowish angora porcupine, everyone thought he was perfect."

Naruto looked bewildered "How can that kick ass?"

"I can't believe it! I've never seen a retard like you! To think that you, of all people, is going to be graced with that wonderful bloodline… Listen to me! All the girls will be at your feet! Men are going to admire you and seek you friendship! Well, okay, some may seek more, but well, you'll have to deal with this. That will teach you… Anyway, this is not the point. The point is, everyone will think you're the coolest man around! Aagh, I'm so jealous!"

Naruto could only stare wide-eyed at Jiraiya.

That was it, the old man had finally lost it. He had always been a tad on the whacked side, like… slightly batty or so. But that was definitely crossing the line.

The young blond shinobi started backing away slowly, trying to not attract his teacher's attention. Better run away while it was still possible…

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Naruto woke up with a start, his breathing short and his body drenched in sweat. A dream.

It had all just been a dream. That bloodline did not exist.

Still, better be sure. He hastily hoped out of the bed, and ran out of his room, not bothering to turn the light on. He had been living with the old man in the Mt. Myouboku hermitage for nearly one year now; he knew the house like the back of his hand. Still running, he reached the third floor and rushed into the old hermit's room. The white haired man was lying on his back on the fuuton, snoring softly. Naruto ran to him and began shaking him vigourously, "Ero-sennin, Ero-sennin!"

"What? What, a pretty nude girl? Where?"

"No, Ero-sennin, it's me, Naruto." The young boy turned the light on and tentatively smiled down at his teacher.

"Naruto?" the old man blinked and glanced at the clock, before whimpering, "Naruto… It's 3 am!"

"Never mind that, Ero-sennin! I've got a very important question!"

"If it's about money again, I won't–"

"No, no, it's not! I don't have a bloodline, right?"

"Well, no, you don't."

"You're sure? Sure, sure, sure?"

"Yes,"

"Really sure?"

"Yes!"

"Like, 150% sure?"

"YES!"

Naruto closed his eyes and sighed heavily. Misunderstanding his attitude, the hermit shifted uncomfortably and tried to cheer his pupil up. "Sorry, Naruto, but you've already got your hands full with the Kyuubi… You don't need something else. Trust me, you don't need a bloodline, that's just elite crap."

"Don't worry Ero-sennin! I was just afraid I might have caught one!"

"Naruto, bloodlines are not illnesses, you can't just 'catch' one. What's with the sudden change of attitude, anyway?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all! I'm going back to sleep! See you tomorrow, Ero-sennin!" With that, Naruto padded outside of the room. Jiraiya could hear him hum a song while going down the stairs.

The hermit scratched his head slowly and yawned. Sheesh, kids… Now, where was I? I was having a nice dream, with that black haired beauty…yawn… who was sporting such a nice décolleté…yawn… and… yawn… hrrnenenn… snore.

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A/N: Why… ?

Because JesusNoJutsu!Naruto bores me. I miss the old Naruto.

I wrote this 5 years ago. When I read chap 469, I went 'WTF?', and had to post this. Because that bloodline exists, after all!

And hmmm yeah, the yellowish angora porcupine would be Yondy. Sorry Yondy.