You're told that these are the spoils belonging to the victor – another weighty shipment made it through, another round of rich kids to carry the load, another million dollars that you get a large cut of – and you're told to loosen up a bit, enjoy the dancers as they slide and saunter and seduce from a distance, to drink and be merry for tomorrow...
...well, tomorrow might find you seriously fucked and all of this seemingly impervious glory could tumble down around your feet.
And you learn to not ask questions, not until you've earned your way past the walls built up over years, not until you are trusted – brothers in arms, that sort-of thing – and you learn to not look too closely at anyone's face, not the junkies lying on the sidewalk and not the hired muscle that collects more than money.
Oh, you learn to turn your eyes the other way and keep your mouth shut.
/ /
Everyone else gets trashed, off of too many flame-topped shots or due to tabs of something special that Fahri sent as a gift, but Alex fades into the shadows of this club; Alex fades further and further until she is outside again – black pavement slick with a brief rain and orange-tinted streetlights – and finally, she can breathe properly.
It's late and Alex is tired, tireder than usual, and there is an altercation going on up ahead – a yell, a slap, some woman shoving a guy and then he is stumbling and then he is pissed off – and Alex knows what side of the city she is on tonight, Alex knows the type of men and women who hang around these corners, and Alex knows that she should just look away.
But nothing about tonight makes sense anyway.
"Fuckin' bitch, what the hell?"
"You got what you paid for and you won't get a single thing more than that. You don't like it, go home and suck your own cock."
"You stupid cunt, I'm gonna-"
Alex shoves a few hundreds into this guy's chest and he looks her over, wondering if she is another trick or the pimp, and deciding that he doesn't care in this moment, he gets in Alex's face.
"I don't know what kind of scam you sluts are tryin' to pull on me-"
"Just take the cash and go, man."
"Fuck you, bitch, I don't have to listen to you!"
Alex is just about ready to raise her arm and slam her elbow into this man's nose – a tried and true move that one of Fahri's bodyguards taught her – but the other woman, the one that Alex has only really glanced at for a second, is suddenly pepper-spraying this guy within an inch of his life.
And when he falls to the ground, screaming and cursing, Alex watches as the woman walks over and kicks the guy – kicks him hard – anywhere she can.
"Stupid fucker. If I ever see you on this street again, I'm going to cut your pathetic balls off."
The woman's voice echoes, but only turns a few heads, and Alex tells herself that now is the time to leave; Alex tells herself to turn around and go back to the club, but then this woman is staring at her, sizing Alex up like Alex herself sizes up potential mules.
"Are you here for something?"
The woman asks this in a quiet tone, steadily walking closer, as Alex stands there with her hands buried within her pants pockets and with booted feet frozen to the sidewalk.
"Nope."
Alex answers and the woman tilts her head to the side, studying Alex and ruling out the possibilities, and that's when she comes even closer and runs soft fingertips along Alex's cheek - far too soft for a rough life, far too knowing for a 'good' girl – and Alex hates the way her body reacts to this touch, a little too intrigued against her better judgment, and the woman can see it.
"You always throw your money around like that?"
"Not quite like this, no."
"You want it back then?"
"I don't care, you can keep it."
The woman smiles then and Alex is startled by how lovely that smile is, how warm and simple it appears to be, and those fingers have left Alex's cheek and are now tugging at the leather lapels of Alex's jacket.
"Come on...," and she has no trouble tugging Alex into her since Alex is not really putting up much of a fight, "...I want to thank you."
Their lips are dangerously close now, way too close, and that's when Alex can truly see just how blue this woman's eyes are – crystal clear and bright, a brilliant flash of autumn skies.
"You don't have to thank me."
Alex's words are low, raspy, and the woman kisses her once, then again – slow and so very sure – and that blue-eyed gaze almost glints with humor when she pulls away from Alex's mouth.
"Oh, I know I don't have to...," and this woman is grinning, all sharp and perfect, "...but I damn well want to."
/ /
You are not a blushing virgin, you are not unwise to the ways of this world, and god knows you've torn a path through the women of this city.
You've turned pretty girls into luggage – spend a lot on them, fill them up with nice things, pack them up and put them on a plane; you've turned sex into your own version of trade, it's just that your piece of concrete is a stellar loft apartment in Tribeca.
You are well-tailored hustler, that's all you are these days.
/ /
Alex takes in the place – cleaner than she thought it would be, incredibly silent even with these thin walls, and there are pieces of this woman's life hidden in plain sight...
...a photograph or two tucked away from dim lighting, a stack of books peeking from around the corner of a couch, a pair of worn-down sneakers by the door...
...but Alex's head is swimming now, now with this woman pushing off Alex's jacket and placing her lips to Alex's neck – tender the way she skims the veins, as if Alex's skin tastes good instead of wicked – and there is the part of Alex that wants to take over, to peel the dress off this woman and lay into her, knuckle-deep and relentless, because that's how these things tend to go.
Alex tends to conquer women, one orgasm at a time.
"What's your name...?"
But it's obvious that Alex isn't the one in charge tonight.
"Piper."
And then Piper proceeds to strip Alex down, pausing every so often to deliver a caress or to kiss some newly uncovered part of Alex's body, and then Piper's tongue is sliding over one of Alex's nipples - sliding until Piper sucks it into her hot mouth - and it is already so fucking good, so fucking delicious, that Alex can feel her own damn knees start to tremble as she works to not tip backwards.
Piper's hands guide her, though; Piper's hands lead her to a bedroom – delicate shadows and crisp white sheets – and Piper's hands figure Alex out so easily, all the pieces of her that ache for a touch and all the places that are too prideful to beg for more...
...Piper slips inside of Alex like she was meant to be there.
/ /
You learned best from your father, the invisible man, that there's no point in dragging out good-byes.
You just walk out the door and you don't look back. You cut those ties as swiftly as you can 'cause it's better that way; you cut and you run and you don't think about it later.
Of course, that's a lie – you think about it, you think about it often – but it's the lies that help you survive, it's the lies that make everything that you do – to others, to yourself – bearable.
/ /
"...don't say your prayers, don't build up your hopes,
just walk away... don't phone me up, don't call around,
don't waste your time..."
The music isn't that loud, but Alex wakes up due to it all the same, and that's when she remembers where she is.
"...Shit..."
Alex sighs and blinks and looks for her glasses, fumbling around a nightstand until she feels them in her hand, and then she is picking up her discarded clothing – well, most of it, she cannot find her bra and she is pretty sure she was wearing one last night – and Alex is zipping up her jeans when Piper comes out of the bathroom in a wave of heated mist and some other song from the 1980's.
What sucks is that Piper's smile is still lovely, it wasn't just an illusion of the events of the previous evening, and Alex is finding it stupidly difficult to not stare at the wet, naked body standing in front of her.
"I hope I didn't disrupt your sleeping."
"Uh... no, not really..."
"Good. There's some coffee on the stove if you want it."
And with that, Piper walks past Alex – so very close, soap-fresh and ridiculously warm – and into the bedroom and Alex swallows hard; Alex swallows hard and tells herself to go, now, and not to wait a second longer.
"Forget this?"
Alex's bra is suddenly right there, dangling from Piper's hand, and Alex takes it from the woman slowly.
"Thanks."
Piper is half-way dressed now, in a t-shirt and underwear, and she nods her head in the general direction of her mini-kitchen.
"Coffee?"
"Yeah, sure."
No, not 'sure', what the fuck, Vause?
But it is Alex's two sugars to Piper's black and they aren't talking as they stand there, mugs in hand, and the music keeps on playing from somewhere in the bathroom – wobbly melodies as if it's a cassette being played and then it evens out again, lyrics like a metallic hiss.
Alex's gaze makes a circuit: the swirling coffee, the floor, Piper's bare legs and then upwards all the way to the side of the woman's face, and then away again. Of course, Piper is probably very aware of this covert scrutiny, is probably way too used to it actually, and Alex doesn't know how to feel right now – which is more of an issue than anything else that might be going on.
She shouldn't be feeling a damn thing at all, that's the problem, but the moment that she saw Piper again this morning...
Alex clears her throat and sits her mug onto the counter-top. Piper glances at her, one corner of that talented mouth quirking in amusement.
"Done?"
"Yeah."
"Well then...," Piper sits her mug down as well and leans forward to chastely kiss Alex's cheek, like they are saying good-night after a date or something, "...I'll see you around."
Alex is moving without much thought given to her actions after that – lacing up her boots, pulling on her jacket, unlocking the door, and stepping outside into another blustery gray dawn – but she turns around, right at the last second, and Piper is there, watching her.
"You, uh... you didn't ask my name..."
Piper raises one eyebrow and there's that deadly grin again, as attractive as it is worrisome.
"No. I didn't."
And with that, Piper shuts the door in Alex's face.
/ /
You don't slow down, you don't stop and take stock of your existence anymore, you take your orders and then you dish out some rules of your own – somewhere in the middle of this narcotic machine, that's where you are.
You don't have a home, you've got a place of business.
You don't have a family, you've got associates and hangers-on.
You don't have a life, you're just alive.
/ /
The trip to Berlin turned into a bit of a mess – one girl disappeared the minute she landed, turned up two days later fucking strung-out, and the other girl 'accidentally' left the bag in a cab; Alex spent nearly twelve hours tracking that particular cab down and had to pay off the driver to keep him quiet.
By the time she makes it back to the States, with her cell-phone attached to her ear as she gets reamed out by Fahri, it is two in the morning and Alex feels like she is trapped within her own skin.
And she throws her suitcase across the room, same with her phone – which she'll regret later, of course, but in the moment it is satisfying – and she's too restless to sleep, even though she is bone-tired, and she just wants to forget these past two weeks.
Alex just wants to forget everything.
Maybe that's why she ends up here, staring hard at Piper's door before she actually knocks on it. Maybe that's why she cannot leave, even after no one answers and even after she notices that the curtains are tightly drawn. Maybe this is the only place she can stand to be at all, sitting on this landing with her back against the door and her legs stretched out, waiting with bleary eyes and with a tiny pocket of memories she'd like to revisit.
Somewhere around half-past three, Piper comes walking up – with some guy in tow – and the woman's a total professional, Alex can definitely give her that, because her stride doesn't falter for a second after she sees Alex propped up on her doorstep.
"Hello."
Piper's greeting is friendly, not at all as annoyed as Alex's would have been were the roles reversed, and that's when the guy peers around Piper to see who she is talking to. Once he catches sight of Alex, he grins big and wide.
"Oh shit, do I get the both of you or something? 'Cause that would be hot."
Piper is smiling now, too, and she winks at Alex before she turns around and wraps her arms around this guy's neck.
"I don't think you can afford the two of us, sweetheart. You can barely afford me."
He sort-of tenses up at that comment, it's a dig and all three of them know it, but Piper whispers something to him, something that Alex cannot hear – and doesn't really want to hear – and he is left grinning again.
Alex pushes herself up and out of the way, completely silent and feeling like a fucking idiot while Piper unlocks the door and ushers the man inside, and Alex should take off – go back to her apartment, go back and get so drunk that she'll finally fall into something resembling slumber – but the words tumble out of her mouth anyway, unguarded and almost desperate.
"Tell him to go."
Piper spares a glance back at her, amused and disinterested all at the same time.
"That's not smart business, you know?"
"Then I'll cover it."
Now Piper isn't just glancing, she turns around to face Alex and sort-of waves her hand behind her at the guy who has started to complain about his time being wasted.
"What, you want to be one of my regular clients now?"
Alex wants to say 'no'; Alex wants to say that this is more than what it is, that they are just two people who randomly met and struck up a conversation, that they are just regular goddamn people and not who they actually are...
"I'll double whatever he was going to give you."
…but that would be a pack of lies and Alex doesn't have it in herself to lie tonight.
/ /
Alex takes a moment to appreciate what is going on, to inhale it and hold it in her lungs like smoke, and then she is breathing out again – her tongue in Piper's mouth as her hands take hold of Piper's ass and encourage the woman to move faster between her thighs, the two of them rendered slick with want and with sweat – and Alex is close to the edge, just as she has been several times now, but she always refrains at the last second.
Alex is going to get her money's worth tonight.
Piper pulls away from Alex's kiss, panting heavily, but she grinds down even harder against Alex and while that feels goddamn blissful, it is the devious little grin that springs up on Piper's lips that nearly does Alex in and she digs her nails into Piper's skin as a moan that she has fought to keep buried barrels out of her anyway, causing her eyes to almost roll back.
Alex can feel Piper move closer, can feel strands of blonde hair fall onto her face, can feel the wonderful sensation of Piper's teeth sinking into her earlobe – a light tug, warm and mostly playful.
"How long are you going to hold out, hmm...?"
Piper's voice is low and smooth and Alex starts to lose some more of her control at the sound of it, the rolling of her hips becoming the tiniest bit rushed.
"...I know you want to come..."
A bit more frantic now. A bit faster now, too. Alex can feel everything inside of her growing fantastically tense with anticipation, with the near-deafening urge to let go and to finally find release.
"...I know you want me to make you come... isn't that right?"
Alex's legs open a bit wider as she thrusts upwards with more force and she can hear the smallest of laughs in response - Piper's breath so very hot and so very sure against the side of her face - and that's all it takes to strip Alex of the resolve she has held onto for the last few hours.
That's all it takes for Alex to come undone.
/ /
The days on which they meet-up are random and the hours vary from one time to the next, but they have developed a routine – of a sort, that is.
It's all very business-like. It's all very frank and without complication, no questions asked and no stress involved.
After all, it's not a relationship; it's a deal made with bodies instead of contracts, a service delivered and a price paid.
But, sometimes, when they are kissing... Piper's tongue wreaking havoc within Alex's mouth, warm and sure and brilliant... sometimes, when they are fucking... Piper thrusting ever deeper, taking more than Alex thought she had to give...
...sometimes, Alex forgets that this isn't more than what it is, and her fingers stray from gripping, from holding fast to whatever she can, and she is far too tender in those moments... slow, soft strokes along Piper's thigh or threading through the waves of Piper's hair...
Sometimes, Alex wants to stay right here – in Piper's bed, in Piper's arms – and let the rest of the world just disappear.
Still, 'sometimes' gets boxed up and put away with the dawn – Alex retreating from the longing and the vulnerability of the night before, swift as she gets dressed and goes out the door – and she'll remind herself of the reality of what is going here, she'll remind herself that Piper is a seller of skin and Alex is just another buyer, just another nameless john.
Because this isn't a relationship, after all; it's a dealer and a user – and that's all they will ever be.
/ /
You have your secrets, just like everyone else does.
There are tears that you keep hidden, there are losses that you don't talk about, there are wounds no one can see.
And you try to stay busy – taking on more work, taking on more responsibilities – but once that day rolls around, you are paralyzed by what has been missing for eight years now.
And you've not been here in such a long time and the weeds are high by the edges of the stone and you know that your mother deserves a better daughter than you.
A better daughter, one who constantly leaves flowers and talks to a name carved into granite... A better daughter, the kind that would have been here when death decided to steal Diane Vause away, here instead of moving heroin all over Europe.
But maybe that's your greatest secret of all, right?
You are so much less than whatever you claim to be.
/ /
One drink turned into four drinks, four drinks turned into ten drinks and somewhere along the way, Alex stumbles into a cab and is left staring up at Piper's building, swaying on her feet as she blinks slowly against the evening sky.
She's got the steps memorized by now, easy enough to pull herself up the stairwell, but the way she pitches to and fro as she moves isn't the best of signs; she is fucking drunk – like well and truly drunk – and Alex should have thought of that before she tossed a twenty into a driver's hands and mumbled out this address.
But the surface of Piper's door is cool to the touch, pleasant against Alex's hot forehead, and she knocks just the once – loud and clear – and then her eyes close and she breathes out and it's funny how lost she feels most of the time, lost and alone and all used-up, but then she'll stare into Piper's goddamn blue eyes and it's like... it's like everything just...
"Oh, okay... you're wasted..."
Piper's voice sounds excellent, if not slightly put-out, and Alex tries to recall what time it is – too early maybe or just too late, she has no clue anymore – but she can feel the smallest of smiles tug at her lips when she looks at the other woman's face.
Piper isn't really smiling back, but she isn't pushing Alex out the door either.
"You couldn't wait until you were sober?"
Alex laughs, just the tiniest bit, and she clumsily slides her hands up under her glasses, rubbing at her eyes.
"Today's not a good day, better to drink it all away..."
Alex laughs a little more after that, pleased at her ability to create a rhyme, but she can feel them coming to life anyway – tears, traitorous and revealing, eager to slip down her face – and so Alex shakes her head, as if that will force them to turn back and to go away for good.
One still manages to escape, though, cutting a painful path down Alex's cheek.
And Piper's touch is so very light, so strangely considerate as she weaves their fingers together and as she pulls Alex further in; as she pulls Alex away from the long and lonely night, away from the troubles and the doubts, away from a tombstone that lays heavy against Alex's heart.
"Want me to kiss it and make it all better?"
A constant caress, an achingly gradual removal of clothing, an offer made so delicately – Piper's gaze like a beacon, the only thing that Alex wants to see – and Alex can only swallow, the words dying on her tongue, and she nods her head 'yes.'
/ /
It's all hazy at a best, but when she rolls over and feels someone next to her, that's when Alex starts to remember – a fuck-ton of whiskey, overwhelming sadness, and...
...Alex dares to crack open her eyes, squinting even though this bedroom is still mostly dark, and it's Piper that she sees; it's Piper, sound asleep with her face pressed into the pillow and the sheet resting halfway down her body...
...and there is a vague memory dancing around Alex's head, a memory of curling her arms around Piper and of kissing Piper's shoulder, of pressing and sliding the palm of her hand against Piper's clit - "...I want to hear you say my name... please say it..." - and then those two syllables fled her own tongue and Piper didn't just say her name...
...she turned it into a wicked sort-of prayer, moaned and repeated until it rang like a bell between them.
Alex thinks about getting up, about getting dressed and running out that door; Alex thinks about how she keeps giving up parts of herself to this woman and how stupid that is, how absolutely stupid all of this is.
But she follows the lines of Piper's body with her hangover stare, still so damn tired – right down to the marrow – and Alex's muscles aren't in the mood to listen to her mind, moving quietly with their own intent, moving her nearer to Piper, near enough to breathe Piper in...
...and Alex closes her eyes once more, capturing an moment of peace before she tries to push it all away again.
/ /
You don't expect anyone to love you anymore. You've been left alone for so long now, by a cruel twist of fate or by your own bitter hands; you've been on your own for years and years and you tell yourself that you like it this way.
You tell yourself that it is better this way.
You tell yourself that you don't need anyone, not a lover nor a friend, and you tell yourself that all of this money has helped you to move beyond the loneliness, beyond the neediness.
You're beyond those cheap shoes and that duct-taped winter coat, you're beyond your loser father and your mother's four jobs, you're beyond Jessica Wedge and her idiotic friends.
You've made it to the top, haven't you? And there's only room for one up there, there's only room for one person in your world and that's the face you see every morning, every night, every second of your goddamn life.
And you tell yourself that it is better this way – over and over, it is better this way, it is better this way, it is so much better this way...
/ /
They've got awkward coffees down to a tee or, rather, Alex is perfecting her ability to be shy around a person she has slept with – more than once, mind you, and paid for it, too – while the person in question, Piper, sits on the couch comfortably, legs stretched out until the soles of her bare feet are lightly touching Alex's jean-clad thigh.
They don't talk, except for Alex's mumbled 'thank you' for the mug held securely in her hands, and it feels like some kind of line is being silently crossed – Piper isn't telling her to go once morning arrives, Alex isn't leaving once her clothes are back on – but they aren't talking about it, Alex with her edgy eyes all over the room and Piper with her thousand-yard stare, the two of them caught in the cross-hairs of this unexpected intimacy.
They're not talking but something is being said nonetheless – and Alex is terrified of what she can hear.
"I've, uh... I've got to go."
"Okay."
Alex zips up her jacket once the door is open again, winter's chill having crept into the city overnight, and she does her best to not look back, not this time, and she thinks that maybe she shouldn't come here again, never again-
"Hey, Alex..."
-but there's her name, said in the daylight, and Alex turns around and there's Piper, beautifully blue-eyed and breath leaving her lips in a fog, all that warmth meeting the cold air, and Alex feels like she is going to shatter into pieces at the sight of this woman.
"Yeah?"
Piper reaches out until she has Alex's hand held by her own – a thumb over the knuckles, fingertips pressing softly between the palm lines – and then Piper is kissing her, kissing her so carefully and so deliberately and Alex feels like she is drowning, like she has lost her mind, like Piper's lips are tearing down walls that Alex has no clue how to rebuild.
"...Why...?"
And it's about that first night, it's about all the nights after, it's about the caring that came without warning, it's about what wandering souls seek out even when they say they aren't looking, it's about being broken but finding someone willing to want you anyway, someone willing to catch you while you keep on stumbling.
Piper's smile is kind and understanding, a wild sort-of wisdom upon its curves, and she cups Alex's cheek like she has been doing so for ages...
"Because you look like someone who needs a little tending to."
...and Alex sighs as she leans into this touch, as she finally gives up the fight and falls.
/ /
...and you tell yourself it is better this way, just you and no one else, but maybe you've been wrong all along.
/ /
(end)