No Words.
Title: No Words.
Author: gingham-frocks-rock
Email: MSR angst
Keywords: Scully, Pregnant
Spoilers: Anything past Season 7. Disclaimer: She's not mine sob. But if she was, I wouldn't have put through that pain looks at CC poignantly
Summary: Scully's pregnant, Mulder's gone. And even if she had someone to trust, she wouldn't know what to say.
Archive: Let me know please. Author's Note: I know for a fact that I stealthed and adapted a few lines from a book we read in English class. Just can't remember what it's called. Feedback: If you want to :-)
She slowly allowed her gaze to shift to the mirror, staring into her own eyes as she tried to find some meaning to her world. What had she done, she wondered, to deserve such punishment, to have been blessed with one gift only to lose another. What had he done, for that matter? It felt as though they were being played with like puppets, only it wasn't a game. She felt, as she always felt in this moment, like giving up. Surrendering, holding her hands above her head in defeat. But there was one reason to carry on, and he had provided her with it. But she felt weak and helpless without the enormity of his strength that she had come to rely on so completely. She wanted, she needed now, to be wrapped in comforting arms, to talk to – completely talk to, honestly and without recrimination, someone whom she could trust, someone who wouldn't judge or ask questions, but who would listen. Listen to all the pain inside. She turned away from the mirror, finished buttoning her blouse, and pulled the light cord in the bathroom.
She stood with the phone in her hand. 'I need you mom' It had been a long time since they had spoken. She felt ashamed, for she knew that she had been running away from this conversation for weeks now. She had tried to plan it in her head so many times, and every time she thought the words, it hurt again.
'Mom, I need to talk to you, I'm sorry I haven't been in touch but there's been things…there are things that I need to tell you, stuff that's going on in my life right now, and I need you mom, because, because I – I… Oh mom, everything is such a mess. He's gone. Mulder, my-my Mul… Mulder's gone. We've lost him, I've lost him. And I need you mom because… I'm having a baby, I'm pregnant. And I'm so afraid, I'm so afraid of being on my own, and he's not here anymore. And I miss him, I miss him I miss him. You've always known mom, even before I did and I should have listened because I wish I'd had longer to know it, to know myself, while he was here, and now he's gone. I'm so alone mom, I don't have anyone else here and I need you to be here with me. I need you.
I need you to say it's all going to be alright. I know it won't be but I need to hear those words from you because I'm afraid of, of what will happen if I believe the worst. I can't bear standing in another room where people are looking at me, thinking that he's gone forever. I want to scream at them that he's not. That's he's going to come walking through that door as though nothing had happened. And at the same time I want to stop watching the damn door hoping that he does. I can't stand all this uncertainty but I feel wicked for even considering the other thing. And I feel sure that I would know if he wasn't coming back, that I would have some feeling that would tell me, that would give me some of my faith back. But I can't even trust my own feelings anymore… oh mom, I need you.
I'm so scared for me, for my baby, his baby. There are so many things I should have told you mom, but I never understood what was going on between us, not until he…he left. He is… he is everything to me, mom. He is my everything. And I want him to be here to share this miracle, and I know that he would want to be here. And I'm so scared that I don't know how I became pregnant, after the cancer…I'm afraid of what it means, or might mean. And I know that if he were here he would make sense of it for me. But now I have to carry on, on my own and I really don't think I can. I need to find him, mom. I need him.
She gently placed the phone back in its cradle and walked away. What would she say? There were no words.