###
"Bonnie, I don't speak witchy mumbo jumbo. Little help here?"
She glanced over her shoulder. Damon was leaning against a tree, plainly bored with their expedition into the woods.
He won't be so bored once I tell him what this spell means... she realized, with some degree of chagrin. Because knowing Damon, he would make a hundred times infinity jokes about it.
Bonnie was aware that she was blushing. Her cheeks were alarmingly warm. She wasn't someone you could fluster easily. But this was something else. She had every good reason to never open her mouth again, except to drain a whole bottle of Bourbon. She would need a lot of alcohol to cope with this horrifying reveal.
"Hellooo? Earth to obnoxious Judgy-pants."
"I heard you the first time." She rose and dusted off her jeans. "It's nothing useful. Just some old spells about – about the eclipse."
Damon raised an eyebrow. "You mean that's all we need to do to get out of this hellhole? You mumbling a spell while we stand under the sun?"
Bonnie bit her lip. "Not exactly. It's a bit more complicated than that. I'll write it down and research it more when we get back to the Boarding House."
Damon groaned. "Can't we just try our luck now? The eclipse is due in a couple of minutes anyway. I don't want to get back to the house only for you to break another one of my 90s compilation CDs."
"It was one time –"
"One too many times. And I haven't forgiven you for it yet, so come on. Be a good little witch and get us out of here."
Bonnie wrinkled her nose at his choice of words. Be a good little witch. It just made her more aware of how incredibly insane it would be to…follow through with that spell. She wanted to throw up.
It had been her idea to go back to the place where they'd first landed. Since a magical event had sent them here, there was bound to be a magical trace left. She had combed the area more thoroughly than a CSI team and she had finally found what she was looking for. A spell, hidden in the deep bowels of the earth.
A terrible, terrible spell.
"Fine. I guess we could try," she said, half-heartedly, because she knew it wouldn't work. She had a sinking feeling that they'd only get out if – if they did what the incantation demanded.
Which would only happen if someone got them both unconscious and rubbed their intimate parts together, because there was no way in the world - any world - that Bonnie Bennett and Damon Salvatore would ever have sex, willingly.
When the eclipse came around, Damon walked up to Bonnie and grabbed her hands.
"What are you doing?"
"What if you got whisked away and I was left behind, dummy? Plus, I think we're past the awkward stage."
Bonnie let her palms rest in his hands and closed her eyes. She started chanting the spell in a sotto voice, afraid Damon might pick up on the Latin and get a clue.
Thankfully, he was more concerned with going back home and, by the way he was squeezing the circulation out of her fingers, he really wanted the spell to work.
Which it didn't, of course.
His shoulders sagged visibly as he stepped away from her.
"Well, that did a load of good."
"I told you – I'm going to research it more in the Grimoire. There's bound to be more answers. Or something I overlooked."
Damon sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets. "I'm going to enjoy a looong session of Boyz II Men tonight, and if you so much as scratch my CDs, I will bite you faster than you can say Phesmatos. Got it?"
Bonnie knew she shouldn't feel so embarrassed, but his language really wasn't helping the situation. She pushed past him and walked fast, afraid she might turn around and blurt out the truth.
Hey, Damon? The only way to break this stupid entrapment is to have sex. Under the eclipse. Like goddamn rabbits.
Yeah, no. How would she even begin to unravel this…situation? And what if, months from now, they would both be so fed up with this prison world that they would give into the madness and -
Noooo. Please God no.
All she could think about was that the creator of the spell was one sick asshole.
###
"I'll make love to you,/Like you want me to,/ And I'll hold you tight,/ Baby all through the night…"
Bonnie was clenching her spoon so hard she was sure it was going to snap.
Out of all the Boyz II Men songs he could have fucking listened to, it was this one. She wanted to scoop his eyeballs out.
"Hey, what are you doing to that spoon?"
She hadn't realized just how much she'd bent it. Bonnie dropped it on the table with a clang.
"Can you change the song already?"
Damon smirked. "I forgot PG-13 is too dirty for you. Next time, I'll play some Celine Dion."
Bonnie was about to get up and march to the CD-player, but Damon sped at her and made her sit down again.
"Ah-ah-ah. The prudes have to listen to the whole song."
"I'm not a prude," she spat, pushing her cereal bowl away.
"Hey, sleeping with Wonderbread Gilbert does not count as sexual experience."
"Who told you –"
"Really? Like that squirt could keep his mouth shut about it. He coughed up all the details to Alaric. I happened to be in earshot. And, Jesus, you weren't once on top?"
Bonnie flushed a deep scarlet. "Jeremy would never talk about us like that. And next time, don't eavesdrop on my private life, or I'll give you an aneurysm that will fry your -"
"So you admit it's true. That you were never on top."
"Oh my God, can we stop talking about this?! You're being the biggest jerk alive right now!"
Damon made a face. "What's got you so riled up?"
"You! And this whole dumb conversation," Bonnie snapped, knocking past him on her way out of the kitchen.
###
Locked up in her bedroom, which was thankfully far away from Damon's, she felt more at ease with contemplating the unassailable predicament in front of her. The spell had to have a loophole. Maybe if they kissed once, it would be good enough. Well, it would be awful, but at least they could explain to Elena that there had been no other way. And a small peck would be over in a second. Whereas, this demented sex condition would not fly with anyone back in the real world. Least of all her.
She opened her Grams' old Grimoire with some reluctance and started looking for anything of a similarly…sexual nature in it. Her humiliation almost felt complete.
There was a knock on the door.
I spoke too soon.
"Are you decent, Bennett?"
"No, I'm stark naked," she muttered, annoyed.
Damon opened the door casually and stepped inside.
"Hey, what if I was being serious?"
"Then I would be the second man in your lifetime to see you without your matronly outfits."
Bonnie looked down at her body. Yes, she was wearing a large bathrobe but it was fluffy and comfortable. And she looked perfectly nice. So, screw him.
No. Christ no. Definitely not screw him.
"Are you here for a purpose or…"
"Just checking up on that spell. Found anything useful?"
"I'm looking," she said, inspecting her nails with far too much concentration.
"Want some help?"
Bonnie's head snapped up. "Damon Salvatore. Offering me help?"
"Offering myself help. I'd try anything to get us out. I mean, I'd even let Gilbert Junior stay on top if that would speed things up –"
"Get out!" she yelled, throwing a pillow at his head.
"Of course, he would speed things up anyway –"
Bonnie's ears were ringing. "I said get out! And don't bother me again!"
Damon caught the two pillows easily. He threw them back at her, and she was less skilled at avoiding them, so one of them hit her straight in the face.
"You bastard -!"
"Oh, I'm the bastard? I'm nothing if not a good Samaritan," he protested, dropping down on her bed with a satisfied smirk on his lips.
Before Bonnie could stop him, he had wrenched the Grimoire out of her hands.
"Let's see what you got here…"
His muscles twitched slightly. "Mating spells."
Bonnie wanted the world to swallow her up. Preferably while being murdered. She snatched the Grimoire back and made quick work of casting a lock charm on its pages.
"That song really got to you, huh?" he asked quietly, with both humor and curiosity.
"I was flipping through it randomly, and it just happened to land on that page–"
"Has anyone ever told you you're a terrible liar? No? Well, you are. Fess up, Bennett. Your sexual fantasies can't be that bad."
"I think I told you to get out. Next time, I won't ask."
"And I think I told you to come clean."
Bonnie pinched the bridge of her nose. Why the hell was everything he said an inadvertent innuendo?
"I told you, it just happened to land on that page and if you don't believe me, that's your problem. I don't owe you an explanation."
"You kind of do, since we're cell mates."
"Newsflash, the world doesn't revolve around you, Damon. When I have anything useful to share, I will. Until then, good night and goodbye."
Damon threw her a cursory glance that was part suspicion, part annoyance.
"You're hiding something. And I'm going to find out, one way or another."
He sped out of her room before she had time to think up a scathing reply. She grabbed one of the pillows and covered her face as she screamed.
###
That night, she dreamed of Jeremy. Specifically, she dreamed about their first intimate night together. Whitmore dorm-room, check. Scented candles, check. Depressing ghosts passing through her, triple check. Damon sprawled on the bed with a knowing smirk on his lips? Che –
NO!
"Come on, Bonnie. Do it for us. Do it for Elena," he said, patting the space next to him. "She'd want us to try anything to get back to her."
Bonnie made a strangled noise in her throat. The thousands of pancakes she had ingested were crawling up her esophagus. Damon had that horrible glazed look he got whenever he saw Elena wearing something revealing. She would know since he wasn't very subtle about it.
"I'm pretty sure Elena wouldn't want –"
"Damon's right, Bonnie."
HOLY HELL.
Her best friend, Elena Gilbert, was sitting on a chair in the corner of the room, watching the scene unfold with perfect calm. In fact, she was smiling encouragingly.
"It would make me so happy if you two went at it. I miss you both so much. So please, get it done real quick so we can all be together again. Me and Damon, you and Jeremy. Think of it as a detour. A sexy detour…" she trailed off, winking suggestively.
Bonnie fainted in her own dream.
A/N: This has probably been done before, but I really like Bamon, so here goes nothing :) Part crack, part smut, part romance.