Why did I ever go wrong? What had I done to deserve this? Why had life picked on me?
All of these questions burned in my mind as I watched Jacob and Renesmee have a tea party. Such a sweet, innocent thing to do but it still shook me to the core.
How many times could I pull myself together again? How many times was I expected to deal with such a thing? I was never prepared for this, never. Not with Sam, and definitely not with Jacob. Jacob understood me. He got it. Nobody else did.
All of that evaported the second he layed eyes on her. All of his ties went snip, snip, snip the second he looked into her chocolate brown eyes. I knew, for I had seen it with perfect clarity in his mind.
What was I supposed to do now?
Did anyone honestly expect me to be fine with it? To say, "Oh, okay. That's great, Jacob! I'm so glad you found your perfect match, even though I thought I truly belonged with you, to you?"
I think they did.
How could they think that? Could people really be so clueless? Was I the only one without a fairy tale ending? Even Seth was happy now... Paul... Quil... Sam... Jacob...
I crumpled to the ground, screaming. When would this ever end?
"Leah."
I flinched and muffled my screaming with the moss squished to my face. I knew who it was, but I tried not to think about it. Instead I wondered how loud I had been screaming?
"Don't do this to yourself," Sam murmured. Even when he couldn't read my mind, he still knew what I was thinking, what my pain felt like.
I sat up, my angst turning to plain out pissed. I glared at him. "Not do this to myself? How can I not do this to myself? HOW MANY TIMES CAN I BE EXPECTED TO PULL MYSELF TOGETHER AGAIN?" I screamed so loudly, my own ears started to ring.
He didn't say anything.
"WHAT DO PEOPLE WANT FROM ME? I WOULD SAY I'M JUST HUMAN, BUT I CAN'T EVEN SAY THAT! WHAT DO THEY FUCKING WANT FROM ME? MY LIFE? GLADLY!" I started to laugh hysterically, practically giddy at the thought. "Kill me!" I begged.
"No," Sam whispered.
And all at once, seeing Sam's expression, filled with pity, but nothing else, made it hit me.
Really, really hit me. Worse than ever, much more than I thought I could ever comprehend.
Nobody wanted me.
I screamed in internal pain. I screamed for everything and nothing at all. But mostly, I screamed for myself.
After my lungs were on fire, and Sam was still standing there with pain in his eyes, I let it out.
I hadn't allowed myself to cry ever since it happened. But now, all of that self control was ultimately worth nothing as I cried.
I cried hysterically, screaming and sobbing all in one. Why me? Why now? Why, why, why? I hated myself. Was I not good enough for anyone? Was I ugly? Was I that bitter and terrible that no one dare come near me, and the only ones who did quickly left me? I already knew the answer. Yes.
I pounded the ground with my fists, acting like a two year old throwing a fit. I didn't realize I was pounding until my arms grew tired and heavy. The moss in my face was absolutely soaked, and the ground below it had turned into a muddy mess. Hours after I started crying, I ran out of tears. I looked up with my face all blotchy and filled with snot and wetness, my hair tangled and muddy. And I realized Sam had left me alone, all alone. With no one.
I screamed again, shattering my eardrums with the force of it. Probably enough to shatter glass.
I ran and ran all the way to the edge of La Push. I could only hope what I would do would be enough to kill me.
I didn't stop running when I reached the cliffs. And with an exhilarated scream, I jumped into thin air.
And finally, I was free.