Harry Potter and the Raging Hormones of Doom!
By Felicia aka curlycutie
Chapter 1: It's a Hard Knock Life
Obligatory back-story, pity Harry's existence, until his trusty owl Hedwig comes and bring him a package. Considering the life threatening events that have occurred since he was 11 he pays to heed to the fact there's no return address and opens it.
Chapter 2: Let's Talk About.....whispers s, e, x
The package is a teacher's copy of "Boys and Girl's some changes will be happening to you and it's time we talk about them...."and the cheap 80s style movie that accompanies it. Harry, who's 16 and who's magical school, Hogwarts, never had Sex Ed leaving many people in the dark about the birds and bees, learns a lot from the letter and video. Harry realizes that his life has been lacking in female connection considering he's a celebrity, and most celebrities get shagged 3 ways to Sunday (which really is a stupid expression but it works) and decides he'll have to get a girlfriend...or a desperate fangirl.
Chapter 3: Shaken Not Stirred
Since the Order of the Phoenix HQ was infiltrated in book 5 the new secret location is on a movie set of a film in process, in a trailer that's charmed to be huge on the inside including multiple levels. The movie is James Bond: Tomorrow Never Dies, to be released next year in 1997. This really is the last place Voldemort would look for Harry Potter. Hermione again attacks Harry excitedly with vigor, and knocks him over and lingers way too long on top of him, and Harry, who now can read female body language, realizes that there could be something there.... Besides the "we're just friends" stuff. Ron just does the manly thing and grabs Harry's hand and hits him three times on the back (8 Mile Eminem style) then says "Dog's in the house, raise the roof" (even though this is the 1990s and the only rap that's around is Will Smith, MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice.) The rest of the Weasly family is ecstatic well all the Weasly's that usually are there, and Ginny who used to be obsessed with Harry has recently discovered Johnny Depp after watching the Don Juan de Marco that was released in theaters that summer, so she has a new celebrity to obsess over. Lupin still looks like death warmed over (the werewolf thing does take a toll on him) but still is super nice even though his life is a living hell.
Sirius Black is back from the dead, there is no explanation of this he just is, if anyone questions it someone just looks shifty and whispers "Eggplant".
Chapter 4: Summer Lovin'
Ron continues to establish his new found ghetto roots and has started to rap about everything, he's donned baggy clothing, bad grammar, pronunciation, and a fetish for making derogative remarks about females, females meaning Hermione because she's the only other girl besides Ginny, and since this isn't a nasty story including incest yea he's only pinching Hermione's butt and calling her Biatch. Harry just silently observes Hermione, who spends most of her time reading, slapping Ron, or gushing over Harry. Harry decides the best way to get Hermione to like him is to flirt with Ginny a lot. (Which is really typical of a guy, but that's what happens when a guy tries to use flirting advice from a magazine like Cosmopolitan, which is intended to better girl's relationships, not guys. The Cosmo had been discarded on the floor of the bathroom. )
Chapter 5: Be True to Your School
Back to Hogwarts we go! Joy, Rapture, and Excitement! Oh and Harry received another death threat in the form of being hit with a hard boiled egg, but it's suspected that it was just a die hard Lord of the Rings fan (author hides egg carton behind back). Still it's the usual hint and warning of the showdown that will occur in the final chapters of this book. The games are on! The love triangles, or squares or whatever are occurring.
Harry likes Hermione, Ron likes Hermione, Ginny likes Johnny (or so we think...), and Hermione is leaning towards Harry since her butt has a permanent bruise because of Ron's sexist pinching, but we all know that ganster wannabes are very appealing...(NOT!). Harry's using Ginny to get Hermione and Ron is using the ghetto to get Hermione, Ginny is cutting off locks of hair, fingernails, and eyelashes to mail to Johnny (at this rate she'll be bald), and Hermione is getting more mad at Harry's advances towards Ginny and is thinking about hating him forever.
Chapter 6: Snape Rocks my Socks!
The classes happen, the boys complain about the work, Hermione relishes in it. Ginny has disappeared from the basic story unless it's at dinner when Harry feeds her bits of food and gives Hermione "you know you want me" looks. Snape is still diabolically cool and evil. Dumbledore has been a little rejected from all Harry Potter fans admiration because he'd set Harry up for angst overload with Sirius dying, and even though Sirius is back Harry isn't that tight with Dumbledore anymore. Harry receives a note laced with girly perfume telling him to go to the Astronomy Tower at midnight on Halloween (for those of you who don't read fanfiction that's usually the place that's picked for couples to meet). Harry decides to go, he doesn't tell anyone about the note though. Instead he keeps saying things to Ginny like, "Have you been eating Lucky Charms? Because you're looking Magically Delicious." Just to keep Hermione jealous enough (yeah right) Hermione just spends time studying and rolling her eyes. Ron gets landed in detention for getting busted with grass (literally he was walking around with lawn clippings and the teacher thought he was nuts)
Everything's fine and dandy until....dun dun dun
Chapter 7: Holy Unpredictable Plot Twist Harry Potterman!
We'll just skip to Halloween since the usual school stuff happens from the start of school till Halloween when usually important stuff happens. So Harry gets all fancied up for his big meeting in the Astronomy Tower. (isn't it painfully obvious something bad is going to happen?) Harry knew there'd be nothing wrong going out past hours to meet his dream date. Except when he got there...it was....his best friend....HERMIONE GRANGER! Strains of Barry White music wafted in the air. As a scantily clad Hermione walked toward Harry, who thought 'wow who'd know that my make-Hermoine- jealous-so-she'll-like-me plan would work!?'. Hermione grinning and started to wrap a rope around Harry, who was very pleased with himself, that was until Hermione laughed evilly. Not cunning vixen evil but as in numero uno bad guy laugh... it was Lord Voldemort!!!!
Chapter 8: No Harry I am your....
Yes it was Lord Voldemort! ominous foreboding music Harry of course didn't see that one coming. Because unlike all his other adventures he'd been too distracted by getting Hermione's attention to help her unravel the usual mystery that comes with each new year at Hogwarts. Not to mention Ron or R-dog was too busy with the other homies that had emerged this year, to think about helping Harry or even fulfill the role as suspect. The point is officially Harry Potter is in big trouble! There could be a big plot hole as to how Voldemort got into Hogwarts, but we'll take the liberties of saying, "notice how when ever Dumbledore was away on business, Voldemort would just show up?!?" we'll stick with this even though after the release of the 4th book that doesn't seem plausible, but then again everything in the entire series isn't either, so what's the difference? Anyways so Voldemort snaps his fingers and the school melts away and they're in the really evil villain lair. So Harry was surrounded by mad bad guys, who were deciding who was going to hex/curse him torture first. Voldemort was getting ready to put on a diabolically black cape so the evilness could commence. The only problem was Voldemort had never had Harry successfully in his clutches, someone always saved him, or Harry saved himself. So Voldemort just tried to plot what to do next. All the while quoting the most famous villains of all time, trying to intimidate Harry, "I'll get you next time my pretty and your little dog too" "Excellent..." "No Harry I am your..." But then suddenly there was a big bang and a smash!
Chapter 9: Huzzah! Governor Swann style the bad guy always loses
The bang and the smash only turned out to be one of the Death Eaters (Voldemort's followers/lackeys, but there really isn't a difference) had his mask on backwards and had fallen on a small table, which had broken. Harry was really upset, he thought he was going to be rescued, and instead he was thrown away into a cell, till Voldemort could figure out what to do with him. Harry had a long time to contemplate what had brought him to this place. But in typical guy fashion didn't realize that it was his undoing in the end, and it wasn't until he'd blamed everyone else he realized he'd screwed himself over royally and that if he wasn't such an overly hormonally driven boy, this wouldn't have happened. That everything that had happened was his fault because he'd let his emotions and stupid scheming get in the way, and potentially ruined friendships and relationships that had taken many years to build. As soon as Harry admitted it out loud that he was a jerk to everyone and that he shouldn't have played with really nice people emotions and told them how he really felt in a discretional way, then there was a blinding flash!
Chapter 10: Don't worry everything always is ok in a Harry Potter Story!
At first he was thinking "BLINDED by the Li-h-ight!" Then when he was able to open his eyes he saw Hermione standing in front of him shaking her head trying her best to angry with him but the smile on her face told Harry she was feeling otherwise. Ron was also there; yes he was still wearing baggy clothes, but he was there grinning as well. Harry started to ask what was going on, when Voldemort entered into the room. Harry turned and reacted in his Super Hero mode! Whipping out his wand (for those of you whose minds are in the gutter, be ashamed of yourselves! Mine wasn't!) to attack Voldemort. Who suddenly ripped off his face?!?! There were twinkling eyes, a long white beard, and a witty wise quip... it was Dumbledore! They were then all standing in Dumbledore's office. Then the predictable wrap up explanation, for anyone who was too lazy to read the whole book and just skipped to the last chapters to understand what happened through out the whole book. Long Boring Summary
Chapter 11: We're Happy! Happy! And did I mention happy!?
Now for the real romantic Astronomy Tower scene...let me help you out Harry and Hermione, professing their love...and you figure out the rest. Ron doesn't seem to be that disgruntled about Hermione and Harry ending up together, since the girl called Luna Lovegood who was really enamored with Ron in the 5th book decided to take matters into her own hands and sent him a letter telling him how she felt. So everyone had somebody. Oh and Ginny decided that Johnny Depp would be self-centered person because he was so good looking. So since everything about this book is impossible, she, with her warm and caring nature, was able to turn Harry's school rival Draco Malfoy into a good guy. He decided to reject his family's snobby values and be with the redheaded woman he loved!
Chapter 12: But All Good Things Have to End
It was too good to last, oh not Harry and Hermione, but Harry's happy school year. It has to come to an end. He has to be going back to the Dursley's to endure more verbal abuse and degrading treatment. But do not worry about Harry because next July 31 at midnight he'll be 17 and legally of age and will be able to get out of there. Hermione will also visit him, because her parents are Muggles (non magical people) she'll know how to act "normal" around the Dursley's who are terrified of magic. Ron will grow out of his ghetto ways, and probably start acting along with a new fad, which, since it's almost 1997, will be something like boy band, like Backstreet Boys or something. But let's not end the book talking about a second character like Ron! Harry will make a pity-me-but-don't-be-too-sad remark about going back to school.
The End
Now something for those annoying people who read the end first before reading the book because they're so lazy to read through the book.
READ THE BOOK FIRST! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF! SOMEONE WORKED HARD TO WRITE THE BOOK AND YOU'RE BEING A LAZY ILLITERATE BUM BY ONLY READING THE LAST CHAPTER!
A/n even though I hate author's notes I'm going to make one. Not bad for a last minute school assignment? I thought I did a fine job of making fun of people who make fun of Harry Potter with the whole Ron being ghetto thing, lol yea that always cracks me up. Oh and I did my research too, the James Bond movie that they were hiding out at was actually being filmed during 1996 so during Harry's 6th year when all this halballoo happened, am I a loser? Yes indeed! But the conversation that inspired it all was this
Me: Harry's going to be in big trouble one of these days
Lisa: yea I know Voldemort and everything
Me: no not that! The kids 16 and he doesn't even know what sex is, he'll accidentally impregnate a fangirl or something
Lisa: Felicia! (Tries to scold me but is too caught up in laughter)
Me: Lisa you can't laugh at a time like this, Harry's in danger of STD's
By Felicia aka curlycutie
Chapter 1: It's a Hard Knock Life
Obligatory back-story, pity Harry's existence, until his trusty owl Hedwig comes and bring him a package. Considering the life threatening events that have occurred since he was 11 he pays to heed to the fact there's no return address and opens it.
Chapter 2: Let's Talk About.....whispers s, e, x
The package is a teacher's copy of "Boys and Girl's some changes will be happening to you and it's time we talk about them...."and the cheap 80s style movie that accompanies it. Harry, who's 16 and who's magical school, Hogwarts, never had Sex Ed leaving many people in the dark about the birds and bees, learns a lot from the letter and video. Harry realizes that his life has been lacking in female connection considering he's a celebrity, and most celebrities get shagged 3 ways to Sunday (which really is a stupid expression but it works) and decides he'll have to get a girlfriend...or a desperate fangirl.
Chapter 3: Shaken Not Stirred
Since the Order of the Phoenix HQ was infiltrated in book 5 the new secret location is on a movie set of a film in process, in a trailer that's charmed to be huge on the inside including multiple levels. The movie is James Bond: Tomorrow Never Dies, to be released next year in 1997. This really is the last place Voldemort would look for Harry Potter. Hermione again attacks Harry excitedly with vigor, and knocks him over and lingers way too long on top of him, and Harry, who now can read female body language, realizes that there could be something there.... Besides the "we're just friends" stuff. Ron just does the manly thing and grabs Harry's hand and hits him three times on the back (8 Mile Eminem style) then says "Dog's in the house, raise the roof" (even though this is the 1990s and the only rap that's around is Will Smith, MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice.) The rest of the Weasly family is ecstatic well all the Weasly's that usually are there, and Ginny who used to be obsessed with Harry has recently discovered Johnny Depp after watching the Don Juan de Marco that was released in theaters that summer, so she has a new celebrity to obsess over. Lupin still looks like death warmed over (the werewolf thing does take a toll on him) but still is super nice even though his life is a living hell.
Sirius Black is back from the dead, there is no explanation of this he just is, if anyone questions it someone just looks shifty and whispers "Eggplant".
Chapter 4: Summer Lovin'
Ron continues to establish his new found ghetto roots and has started to rap about everything, he's donned baggy clothing, bad grammar, pronunciation, and a fetish for making derogative remarks about females, females meaning Hermione because she's the only other girl besides Ginny, and since this isn't a nasty story including incest yea he's only pinching Hermione's butt and calling her Biatch. Harry just silently observes Hermione, who spends most of her time reading, slapping Ron, or gushing over Harry. Harry decides the best way to get Hermione to like him is to flirt with Ginny a lot. (Which is really typical of a guy, but that's what happens when a guy tries to use flirting advice from a magazine like Cosmopolitan, which is intended to better girl's relationships, not guys. The Cosmo had been discarded on the floor of the bathroom. )
Chapter 5: Be True to Your School
Back to Hogwarts we go! Joy, Rapture, and Excitement! Oh and Harry received another death threat in the form of being hit with a hard boiled egg, but it's suspected that it was just a die hard Lord of the Rings fan (author hides egg carton behind back). Still it's the usual hint and warning of the showdown that will occur in the final chapters of this book. The games are on! The love triangles, or squares or whatever are occurring.
Harry likes Hermione, Ron likes Hermione, Ginny likes Johnny (or so we think...), and Hermione is leaning towards Harry since her butt has a permanent bruise because of Ron's sexist pinching, but we all know that ganster wannabes are very appealing...(NOT!). Harry's using Ginny to get Hermione and Ron is using the ghetto to get Hermione, Ginny is cutting off locks of hair, fingernails, and eyelashes to mail to Johnny (at this rate she'll be bald), and Hermione is getting more mad at Harry's advances towards Ginny and is thinking about hating him forever.
Chapter 6: Snape Rocks my Socks!
The classes happen, the boys complain about the work, Hermione relishes in it. Ginny has disappeared from the basic story unless it's at dinner when Harry feeds her bits of food and gives Hermione "you know you want me" looks. Snape is still diabolically cool and evil. Dumbledore has been a little rejected from all Harry Potter fans admiration because he'd set Harry up for angst overload with Sirius dying, and even though Sirius is back Harry isn't that tight with Dumbledore anymore. Harry receives a note laced with girly perfume telling him to go to the Astronomy Tower at midnight on Halloween (for those of you who don't read fanfiction that's usually the place that's picked for couples to meet). Harry decides to go, he doesn't tell anyone about the note though. Instead he keeps saying things to Ginny like, "Have you been eating Lucky Charms? Because you're looking Magically Delicious." Just to keep Hermione jealous enough (yeah right) Hermione just spends time studying and rolling her eyes. Ron gets landed in detention for getting busted with grass (literally he was walking around with lawn clippings and the teacher thought he was nuts)
Everything's fine and dandy until....dun dun dun
Chapter 7: Holy Unpredictable Plot Twist Harry Potterman!
We'll just skip to Halloween since the usual school stuff happens from the start of school till Halloween when usually important stuff happens. So Harry gets all fancied up for his big meeting in the Astronomy Tower. (isn't it painfully obvious something bad is going to happen?) Harry knew there'd be nothing wrong going out past hours to meet his dream date. Except when he got there...it was....his best friend....HERMIONE GRANGER! Strains of Barry White music wafted in the air. As a scantily clad Hermione walked toward Harry, who thought 'wow who'd know that my make-Hermoine- jealous-so-she'll-like-me plan would work!?'. Hermione grinning and started to wrap a rope around Harry, who was very pleased with himself, that was until Hermione laughed evilly. Not cunning vixen evil but as in numero uno bad guy laugh... it was Lord Voldemort!!!!
Chapter 8: No Harry I am your....
Yes it was Lord Voldemort! ominous foreboding music Harry of course didn't see that one coming. Because unlike all his other adventures he'd been too distracted by getting Hermione's attention to help her unravel the usual mystery that comes with each new year at Hogwarts. Not to mention Ron or R-dog was too busy with the other homies that had emerged this year, to think about helping Harry or even fulfill the role as suspect. The point is officially Harry Potter is in big trouble! There could be a big plot hole as to how Voldemort got into Hogwarts, but we'll take the liberties of saying, "notice how when ever Dumbledore was away on business, Voldemort would just show up?!?" we'll stick with this even though after the release of the 4th book that doesn't seem plausible, but then again everything in the entire series isn't either, so what's the difference? Anyways so Voldemort snaps his fingers and the school melts away and they're in the really evil villain lair. So Harry was surrounded by mad bad guys, who were deciding who was going to hex/curse him torture first. Voldemort was getting ready to put on a diabolically black cape so the evilness could commence. The only problem was Voldemort had never had Harry successfully in his clutches, someone always saved him, or Harry saved himself. So Voldemort just tried to plot what to do next. All the while quoting the most famous villains of all time, trying to intimidate Harry, "I'll get you next time my pretty and your little dog too" "Excellent..." "No Harry I am your..." But then suddenly there was a big bang and a smash!
Chapter 9: Huzzah! Governor Swann style the bad guy always loses
The bang and the smash only turned out to be one of the Death Eaters (Voldemort's followers/lackeys, but there really isn't a difference) had his mask on backwards and had fallen on a small table, which had broken. Harry was really upset, he thought he was going to be rescued, and instead he was thrown away into a cell, till Voldemort could figure out what to do with him. Harry had a long time to contemplate what had brought him to this place. But in typical guy fashion didn't realize that it was his undoing in the end, and it wasn't until he'd blamed everyone else he realized he'd screwed himself over royally and that if he wasn't such an overly hormonally driven boy, this wouldn't have happened. That everything that had happened was his fault because he'd let his emotions and stupid scheming get in the way, and potentially ruined friendships and relationships that had taken many years to build. As soon as Harry admitted it out loud that he was a jerk to everyone and that he shouldn't have played with really nice people emotions and told them how he really felt in a discretional way, then there was a blinding flash!
Chapter 10: Don't worry everything always is ok in a Harry Potter Story!
At first he was thinking "BLINDED by the Li-h-ight!" Then when he was able to open his eyes he saw Hermione standing in front of him shaking her head trying her best to angry with him but the smile on her face told Harry she was feeling otherwise. Ron was also there; yes he was still wearing baggy clothes, but he was there grinning as well. Harry started to ask what was going on, when Voldemort entered into the room. Harry turned and reacted in his Super Hero mode! Whipping out his wand (for those of you whose minds are in the gutter, be ashamed of yourselves! Mine wasn't!) to attack Voldemort. Who suddenly ripped off his face?!?! There were twinkling eyes, a long white beard, and a witty wise quip... it was Dumbledore! They were then all standing in Dumbledore's office. Then the predictable wrap up explanation, for anyone who was too lazy to read the whole book and just skipped to the last chapters to understand what happened through out the whole book. Long Boring Summary
Chapter 11: We're Happy! Happy! And did I mention happy!?
Now for the real romantic Astronomy Tower scene...let me help you out Harry and Hermione, professing their love...and you figure out the rest. Ron doesn't seem to be that disgruntled about Hermione and Harry ending up together, since the girl called Luna Lovegood who was really enamored with Ron in the 5th book decided to take matters into her own hands and sent him a letter telling him how she felt. So everyone had somebody. Oh and Ginny decided that Johnny Depp would be self-centered person because he was so good looking. So since everything about this book is impossible, she, with her warm and caring nature, was able to turn Harry's school rival Draco Malfoy into a good guy. He decided to reject his family's snobby values and be with the redheaded woman he loved!
Chapter 12: But All Good Things Have to End
It was too good to last, oh not Harry and Hermione, but Harry's happy school year. It has to come to an end. He has to be going back to the Dursley's to endure more verbal abuse and degrading treatment. But do not worry about Harry because next July 31 at midnight he'll be 17 and legally of age and will be able to get out of there. Hermione will also visit him, because her parents are Muggles (non magical people) she'll know how to act "normal" around the Dursley's who are terrified of magic. Ron will grow out of his ghetto ways, and probably start acting along with a new fad, which, since it's almost 1997, will be something like boy band, like Backstreet Boys or something. But let's not end the book talking about a second character like Ron! Harry will make a pity-me-but-don't-be-too-sad remark about going back to school.
The End
Now something for those annoying people who read the end first before reading the book because they're so lazy to read through the book.
READ THE BOOK FIRST! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF! SOMEONE WORKED HARD TO WRITE THE BOOK AND YOU'RE BEING A LAZY ILLITERATE BUM BY ONLY READING THE LAST CHAPTER!
A/n even though I hate author's notes I'm going to make one. Not bad for a last minute school assignment? I thought I did a fine job of making fun of people who make fun of Harry Potter with the whole Ron being ghetto thing, lol yea that always cracks me up. Oh and I did my research too, the James Bond movie that they were hiding out at was actually being filmed during 1996 so during Harry's 6th year when all this halballoo happened, am I a loser? Yes indeed! But the conversation that inspired it all was this
Me: Harry's going to be in big trouble one of these days
Lisa: yea I know Voldemort and everything
Me: no not that! The kids 16 and he doesn't even know what sex is, he'll accidentally impregnate a fangirl or something
Lisa: Felicia! (Tries to scold me but is too caught up in laughter)
Me: Lisa you can't laugh at a time like this, Harry's in danger of STD's