So, an explanation is probably needed for the craziness you are about to endure. I wrote this story for my best friend who loves Flack. After a new episode aired, the next day at school she wouldn't shut up about how "fine" Flack was last episode. We always joked about her kidnapping him, so I decided to let her get away with it in this story. No, I was not under the influence of anything while writing these (it's a trilogy), just needed sleep and wanted to convey how crazy my friend really is.

Helen, these are for you.

WARNING: This story contains harmless violence, mugging, meaningless crack, mountains of food being consumed and Flack in mortal peril. Story not for the faint of heart. Viewer discretion is advised. If you are still scarred by this story after three weeks, please contact your doctor. Something may be very wrong with you.

Take the Man!

Donald Flack Jr. was being stalked.

Well, he felt like he was anyways. He wasn't certain. He hadn't really caught his so-called stalker and bluntly asked, "Hey! You stalkin' me?" or anything. It was just an assumption.

Why make an assumption without any clear evidence? Especially when the person is a detective? Well, if you walk out of your apartment each and every day to find a figure in a black trench coat waiting under a tree across the street, and then said figure follows you to work, you'd probably think you were being stalked too, wouldn't you?

So why not just turn around and ask the person what their problem is?

Good question. And truthfully, Flack really didn't know why he hadn't stopped the person yet. Perhaps he liked the feeling? Maybe it made him feel like a celebrity?

Of course with all the crazy stories he's heard from being a cop in NYC—what with all the random people following other random people just to pull a gun on them and shoot them in the end—he thinks he'll just let this crazy follow him for a while longer. It's not like they're doing him any harm.

Except playing with his mind and slowly causing him to lose his sanity…

XxXx

"What's the word?" Danny asked one day as he walked onto their newest crime scene in Central Park.

When he received no response, he looked up to find Flack just standing above him and squinting off into the distance. Quirking an eyebrow, Danny questioned him.

"Yo Don!" he shouted. "You okay?"

Flack shook his head and looked down at his partner and friend. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine," he reassured, looking back out into the distance just in time to see what he thought was his stalker leap off into the distance. "Just thought I saw somebody I knew."

"Well we are in Central Park, it'd be a miracle if you didn't see somebody you knew," Danny responded. He then turned his attention back towards the vic. "Now, what's the story with this one?"

XxXx

If there was anyone in the world Flack trusted more than himself, it was Stella Bonasera. He told her everything that was worth telling and she in turn did the same for him. That's why he sought her out in the lab one day and pulled her aside.

"You were stalked once, right?" he asked seemingly out of the blue.

Stella raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, but it just turned out to be Mac's step son, Reed. Why?"

"'Cause I think I'm being stalked now too."

Stella made a move to start laughing, but then caught the panic in Flack's eyes.

"You're not kidding are you?" she asked.

"When do I ever kid you?"

Stella just stared at him.

"Wait, don't answer that," he said. "What did you do to figure out it was Reed?"

"Mac acted like a maniac and chased him through the streets, slammed him up against a wall and threatened him," she responded.

"Yeah, I think I'll figure out who it is a different way," Flack muttered.

"Why would someone want to stalk you?" Stella questioned more to herself than anyone.

"Why wouldn't you stalk him?" a random female lab tech asked. "He's hot!"

Flack just blinked and Stella snickered.

"Do you know if it's a man or a woman stalking you?" Stella then asked.

"No idea," Flack answered. "They always have on a trench coat and a black hoodie."

"What about shoes?"

"Sneakers," he responded. "White; so they could belong to a man or a woman."

"A guy could stalk him too. There are plenty of men on the other side of the fence here if you know what I mean!" the random lab tech said again, wiggling her eyebrows.

"Would you stay out of this?" Flack yelled to her. "This doesn't concern you!"

"It can if you want it to," she replied in a seductive tone.

Flack just freaked out. "Get the hell outta here!"

The lab tech gave him a flirtatious wave before winking and skipping gaily down the hall of the lab away from the two befuddled friends.

"That's it," Flack grumbled. "I'm a' go talk to Mac and get that girl fired. You wouldn't happen to know her name would you?" he asked the mass of curls beside him.

"For some reason I think her name is Maria, but I'm not sure," Stella said.

"Well Maria Crazy-In-The-Head might want to start searching for a new day job if I have anything to say about this," Flack stated as he stalked off towards Mac's office.

XxXx

"You're crazy, you know that right?" a voice could be heard from a tree.

"You have no idea…" a girl in a trench coat responded back, looking up into the tree; a tree which just happened to be right across the street from the tall skyscraper on the corner of 5th and Broadway.

"No, I do have an idea," the voice from the tree spoke again. "And you're very creepy too."

The girl in the trench coat sighed. "Just shut up."

"Why are you down there anyway? You get a much better view from up here!"

"Hey!" Trench Girl shouted. "You better not be stealin' peeks at my man!"

"And what if I am?"

"I'll go to your house and steal all your food!"

"You better not!"

"Don't make me!"

"Come up here and say it to my face!"

A door opening across the street deterred Trench Girl from making a smart comment back.

"Hey, shut up. He just walked out," she snapped.

"Then are we moving in?" Tree Girl asked.

Trench Girl nodded. "You got all the stuff right?"

"Yup. The rope, gag, wagon, sock full of lead, unicorn and Oreos are all stashed away in the trunk."

Trench Girl grinned—quite creepily at that—and then took off across the street. "Great! Let's go!"

"Hey! Wait for me!" Tree Girl shouted as she tumbled out of the tree. Quickly stealing a lollipop from a sleeping baby, she took off after her accomplice.

XxXx

Flack had left for his lunch break. He decided that just going to the diner down the street wouldn't do him any harm even if he was being stalked.

And speak of the devil…

Flack heard tires squeal behind him and looked over his shoulder and saw a three car pile-up in the intersection behind him. A black Lamborghini was the only survivor and was now inching behind him. Flack thought the Lamborghini looked suspicious, and it wasn't just because spray-painted on the side of said car was: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE BLACK LAMBORGHINI FOLLOWING YOU!

He shook his head and just continued his walk. He knew stalkers just wanted attention. If they didn't get any, they eventually left their stalkees alone.

The Lamborghini then sped up to where it was right in front of him in the street. Flack noticed that on the rear fender of the car, another message was spray-painted. It read: FOLLOW US! WE HAVE CHEEEESE!

Flack couldn't help but lick his lips. He did love cheese. Especially when they were cut up into those cute little cubes and came with a nice bottle of a '94 Pinot Noir.

He shook his head. Now that was going too far. There was no drinking on the job and if Flack had learned anything in school it was not to take candy from strangers. And yes, he considered cheese to be a candy.

But he couldn't help but wonder, What kind of cheese do they have?

In response to his thought, a sign fell down over the license plate on the Lambo. It read: GOUDA.

"Okay, my mind's made up!" Flack said to himself. He couldn't resist Gouda cheese. It was his second love, coming up short to Mr. Fluffykins the teddy bear back at his apartment.

Not knowing the horrors of what awaited him, Flack followed the shiny car into the nearest alley. The thought of Gouda cheese made his mouth water.

Too bad he never got any…

XxXx

"Omigod, I can't believe he fell for it!" he heard a voice cry out in amusement.

"Yeah, what a queertard!"

Silence.

"Sorry, your word, not mine…"

Flack groaned as he tried to open his eyes.

"Hey! He's coming to!"

"W-where am I?" he asked, still only able to see darkness in front of him.

"In a dark alley where no one can hear you scream."

Well, that was a wake-up call.

"I hope you know I'm a cop, and you two are facing five to twenty-five years of prison for abducting an officer," he told them.

"Yeah, yeah we know," one figure responded back. "We're not concerned about that."

"Why?" he couldn't help but ask.

"We have our connections," the other one responded.

"Oh, well that doesn't make me suspicious," Flack replied back, sarcasm dripping from his tongue.

"Good, nothing to worry about then."

Flack seriously wanted to hit these two… thugs didn't seem to be the right word.

"Okay, now that we have him at out command, you can leave," one figure said to the other.

"'Kay. I'll go turn in our job applications at the lab then," the other said.

Flack listened as the footsteps died away.

"Now it's just you and me!"

"Are you my stalker?" Flack asked.

"Ding ding ding! Give the man a prize!" the voice—Flack determined was female—exclaimed.

"Why are you stalking me and what are you planning to do with me?"

"I'm stalking you because I want you and now that I have you, we'll just go about our daily lives."

"Huh?"

Flack felt pressure being taken away from his face and then suddenly he could see again. The first thing he saw was a girl with black hair holding a blindfold in her hand and grinning at him.

Oh, so that explained why he couldn't see.

The next thing he noticed was the large white horse he was sitting on with the girl. And the horn protruding out of the animal's head.

"Wait, what the hell?" Flack shouted. "Are we sitting on a unicorn?"

"You're really smart aren't you?" the girl asked.

"But unicorns aren't real!"

The 'unicorn' whinnied and the girl immediately shushed it.

"Hey! You're hurting Rhubarb's feelings!"

"Rhubarb?"

The girl giggled before saying, "That's my unicorn's name."

"Am I on some drug?" Flack asked.

"Dunno," the girl shrugged. "It could be the effect of the chloroform."

"Chloroform?"

"Yes, very good!" the girl exclaimed. "Would you like a cookie?"

Flack suddenly found a box of Oreos being thrust towards him.

"Umm… are they poisoned?"

"No! My crazy friend brought them," the girl told him. "She always has to have food with her, otherwise she won't shut up."

"Ummm…. Who are you?" Flack asked.

"My name is Helen and I am now your master!" she then let out a maniacal laugh and somewhere in the distance Flack saw lightening flash.

"Who was the other girl?"

"That was Jade; the food-lover," Helen replied. "She helped me capture you."

"Ookaay…" Flack mumbled. I must really be high or something, he thought. Is this girl for real?

Suddenly a beep sounded and Helen pulled out her phone. She read the text message, laughed, wrote back and then turned her attention back towards Flack.

"Time to go," she said simply.

"Time to go where?" Flack asked, a hint of fear in his voice.

"Back to work, of course! The job of a cop never stops!"

"What?"

Helen sighed. "Never mind. Rhubarb will take you back to work," she said.

She then hopped off the unicorn. "Just follow me Rhubarb."

Rhubarb whinnied and then snorted.

"Hey, hey wait!" Flack called. "Won't I fall of this thing?"

"Nope. Not with the ten yards of rope wrapped around you," Helen replied, getting into the driver's seat of the Lamborghini.

Oh. So that explained why he couldn't move his arms or legs.

The engine to the Lamborghini revved before it shot out of the alley, Rhubarb close on its tail. Flack screamed as the unicorn ran out into traffic. Immediately all eyes were on him. Well, probably on the unicorn more than himself, but it still felt weird.

"Mommy look at the unicorn!" a little girl squealed.

"Oh no," the mother sighed before turning to her husband. "Mark! The therapy didn't cure Katie's delusions!"

"That's not my fault!" the husband—Mark—yelled back.

Before Flack knew it, they were in the parking garage of the lab. Helen got out of the car after parking—and taking out five cars and a pole while doing so—and tied Rhubarb up to the fender of the car. She then got up on the unicorn, pushed Flack off it and he fell with a thud! into the bright red wagon waiting for him.

"Now," Helen started, "Off to work we go!"

She then started pulling Flack and the wagon to the elevators.

Oh great, Flack thought. Just think of all the attention I'll get once we get up to the lab. What will Danny think? And Stella? And I bet Mac will fire me!

The elevator dinged at them and Helen tugged the wagon in with her.

"What floor?"

"35th," he mumbled back.

She pushed the corresponding button and they began their lift, Flack watching the numbers flash by miserably. He was inching towards his doom.

Please don't let anybody on, please don't let anybody on. He thought to himself over and over again.

Too bad his prayers weren't answered as the elevator dinged at them again once reaching the 17th floor.

A man in a lab coat got on. He looked down at Flack and made a face which made his mustache literally turn upside down, and then looked to Helen.

"New pet?" he asked, and Flack wanted to shoot himself right then and there.

Helen nodded her head all too enthusiastically. "Yup! His name is Fido!"

The man nodded and smiled sweetly. "That's very nice," he said.

He then pushed the emergency stop button, opened the elevator door by himself and jumped down into the shaft.

"Queertard," Helen mumbled as the elevator started up again.

They reached the 35th floor all too soon for Flack. The doors opened to reveal another girl with short blonde hair that Flack assumed must be Jade.

"Here's your ID," Jade said as she handed Helen a card very similar to Flack's saying they were members of this lab… and Mac's team.

Oh no… Flack groaned in his head.

"Ready to go meet everyone?" Jade asked.

"Yup!" Helen replied, pulling Flack with her out of the elevator.

As he was being pulled through the hallways, Flack counted how many people turned their heads to look at the captive. The only person who didn't was Smithy, but he was strange himself, so that explained everything.

"Woooooooowww," a female voice cut in. "How'd you get yourself into this one, Don?"

Flack looked up and confirmed one fear when he saw Stella standing above him.

"I told you I was being stalked," he bit back to her. "That's," he jerked his head to Helen, "my stalker. And that's her accomplice," he jerked his head towards Jade.

Stella blinked.

"Nice to meet you girls!" she greeted. "You new?"

Jade was the first to speak. "Yup, we just joined today!"

"Great! We're always looking for new workers! Welcome to the team!"

Flack just looked at her like she had grown another head. She wasn't going to help him?

"Hey, Mac the new recruits are here!" she then shouted behind her.

"We don't have any new recruits," his deep baritone voice replied back.

"MAC!" Jade squealed before running to him and tackling him to the ground in a hug.

"Get off me!" Mac yelled at her, but Jade's grip held strong.

Stella just laughed.

"Stell, get her off me!" Mac ordered.

Jade then let go and helped pull Mac to his feet.

"Sorry about that," she apologized. "I got carried away."

"Obviously," Mac retorted, staring down at her like she was some kind of disease.

"Ummmm… not to be rude, but will someone please help me?" Flack spoke up from the wagon.

Mac raised an eyebrow. "Flack? What are you doing?"

"Hey, I didn't get here on my own free will, believe me."

"These girls were stalking him," Stella filled him in and Mac actually cracked a smile at that.

"Actually, Helen was, I was just along for the food," Jade said, grinning like a freak.

"Yeah, it was my idea," Helen said proudly.

"I see…" Mac replied, before pulling Stella to the side.

"Who are they again?"

Stella shrugged. "I don't know, but they work here now apparently."

Mac clicked his tongue. "If you excuse me, I'm going to go jump out my window."

"Can I push you?" Jade yelled.

"Um, no," Mac said before taking off down the hallway and leaving a whirlwind of papers behind him.

Jade slumped and turned to Helen.

"How come you get the guy?" she asked.

"'Cause I'm amazing," Helen said smugly. "I'm the star—literally—so I get the man."

Jade just frowned and pulled out a box of Oreos. "I hate my life," she muttered.

"I hate mine more," Flack piped in.

"Only 'cause you're a captive," Helen said. "You'll get used to it."

"Yeah," Jade grunted. "Just look at what happened to your other captives…"

"What happened to them?" Flack asked, wanting to know his fate.

"They ended up sewn into her couch," Jade said bluntly.

"My sister did that, not me!" Helen shot back.

Flack then fainted.

XxXx

Flack shot up in his bed. His chest was heaving, he was sweating profusely and his hair was tousled. He glanced around at his surroundings. He was in a bedroom. His bedroom to be exact.

"It was all a dream?" he mumbled to himself. "That horrible nightmare wasn't real?"

His phone rang and he answered it. It was Danny saying they had a lead on their case and he was coming to pick him up. Flack hung up and grinned.

It was all just a dream! He was safe! He wasn't being held captive by a crazy teenager and Mac didn't commit suicide. He knew there was no such thing as unicorns!

"It was just a dream!" he shouted in pure bliss.

"Well… not exactly," a voice interrupted.

Flack quickly turned on his bedside lamp and screamed.

There were the two girls from his nightmare, sitting at the foot of his bed, rope slung over Helen's shoulder and Jade swinging a heavy looking sock around.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Take the Man The Freakquel coming soon. Please don't waste your time leaving flames. You were warned this story was pointless and full of crack.