Note: Okay, it's not often that I write things in first-person. But, I couldn't find a way to make this work from a different point of veiw. So, just go with it.
Warnings: This one-shot deals with topics which may be complex and/or sensitive to some readers. This deals with topics of anorexia, religion, homosexuality, topics of normalicy, the definition of perfect, and the wonderings of complex ideas and situations.
Harry's point of veiw.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Have you ever wondered what people are thinking? What sort of thoughts run through their head during a stressful situation or infuriating encounter? Not just what someone is thinking, but what they feel, what sort of unrelated thoughts that might run through their head.
Have you ever wondered how someone would react when they are put into a situation in which they are not familiar with - what sort of emotions would stir up inside them, what sort of irrational thoughts would try and guide?
Have you ever wondered about the little things? When you're just hanging around your friends - more observing their reaction more than interacting with them, perhaps even doing both - and you notice that someone does something that seems a little off and you try to figure out why they did it? Or when they say something - as small and as insignificant as it as - you wonder what they were thinking when they said it?
These are constant wonders that are always going through my mind. I'm always trying to figure out why people think and act the way that they do. I've noticed that so many people come off normal - until you really observe them. That's when you notice small little things that you may have never noticed before. Perhaps it's an odd reply that could have been worded or toned differently. Or even the way someone moves their hand that isn't normal.
But, really, what is normal? How can you define it in this world filled with odd actions and reactions? It's impossible. Everybody is flawed when it comes to the word normal. Even myself.
I've noticed at random points in time that I have some odd and unusual actions. And it's not something that takes me a while to notice, either. Almost as soon as I've done something different – just like all the people I have observed – I notice it. And I'll sit there and wonder why I did it. But, in the end, I can never figure out why. Is it like that for everyone?
But, again, what does everyone think? I know that everybody is different. Different people think different ways. But, what about the people that are so similar yet so different? Do they think slightly the same way? Or are their thinking patterns on completely different levels?
Take Voldemort and Dumbledore for example. They are so much alike – powerful, greedy, controlling and manipulative. Yet, they are both two completely different people. How? What is the difference in they way they think and react to things?
They grew up two completely different ways, and yet, they are exactly the same and so different at the same time.
From my understanding, Tom Riddle grew up in a not-so-nice orphanage, he was mistreated by the other children around him. And in turn it caused him to steal from the other children and be punished from the adults. In turn, his childhood – somehow – caused him to become uncaring toward people and how they feel. I think it caused him to turn power hungry, greedy, controlling, manipulative and downright – for lack of better word – evil. Though, I don't think he is evil – I don't think I have a definition of evil – I think he is just misunderstood. I think that had somebody taken the time to listen and talk to Tom Riddle as a child he might have turned out differently.
Then there is Dumbledore. As far as I know, he grew up in a somewhat difficult childhood. But, it wasn't nearly as bad as Tom Riddle's – or my own. And look at how the old man is today. He's just like Voldemort. Except, he isn't as open about his actions, he hides behind a falsely sweet facade. He tries to make everyone think he is the social definition of normal.
But, again, what is normal? Everyone's opinion on normal is different. There is no universal definition of the word. My definition of normal – even though I don't have one – could be different than someone else's. Someone else could define normal as no mental or physical disabilities.
I think normal doesn't exist among people. Normal cannot exist. People strive to be what they consider normal, which might not be normal to someone else. Normal is only what we think it is. The closest anyone can come to normal – I think – is average, or standard. We all strive – I believe – to conform to what we define as normal.
But, what if there are other people like me? What if there are people without a definition of normal? Which brings me back to wondering what people think.
Does anyone have a definition of normal? Or do we all just allow other people to think that we do? Do we all subconsciously know that normal does not exist? That it cannot exist because society is constantly changing. What society considers normal today could be different than what it is considered tomorrow.
Why do things have to change so fast? It feels like just as you figure something out – perhaps the definition of normal or even perfect – society changes that definition on you.
I know that everything changes, nothing stays the same. But, it makes you wonder why everything changes so rapidly. Even though nobody conveys their opinions on normal and perfect, everybody knows that the definition changes constantly. How? How do we know this? Is it an unspoken language that none of us know of, but understand and listen to without realizing?
But, even if we don't talk about it, we still know. And, even though there is no solid definition of normal, there's still the loose term of it.
For example.
Gryffindor and Slytherin. They have two different definitions of normal. To define a normal Gryffindor would be to read what qualities are required to make the house. Bravery, courage, nobility, a sense of righteousness.
To define a normal Slytherin would be to – again – read the qualities that are required to be in the house. Slyness, cunning, manipulation to reach your ends.
But, these definitions of normal weren't set by today's society, they were written down by the founders thousands of years ago. Was that the definition of normal back then? Why has it changed so much over the years?
What were the founders thinking when the made the definition of normal for each house?
In the end, everything comes to back what people think and why. Why do we all strive to fit the definition of normal? Do we really want to be excepted into a society that can't accept us for any period of time because it is always changing?
Do we really want to revolve our lives around what other people think and do? What point is there in that? In the end, we're all going to get hurt from it. So, why try to be normal?
But, if we don't try to be normal, then we get disowned, we aren't excepted. Isn't that what everyone wants?
Why are people so cruel and critical about the way other people act? Why is it that they don't want to act the way they are but they do it anyway? Is it because they know that they will be treated the same way the abnormal people are?
Why do people fear rejection so much? Why do opinions matter so much to people?
People with eating disorders are a perfect example for this.
Anorexics, for example. From my understanding of them, they starve themselves to get rid of their flaws. They thinks that by being physically perfect that they will become flawless. Or they starve themselves to be physically thin because they fear rejection from other people. But, why do they care so much of others opinions?
What triggers this in their mind? All it does for them is bring more pain – to them and the people around them. Yet, they are so blind that they don't see that they are hurting anyone – even themselves. In them striving to be perfect, normal. They are showing everyone else all the flaws that they really have. Why? What is the point of all the agony?
I know that it is what they believe is right. But, someone else might not believe the same thing. They might believe that being thin makes them perfect and flawless. But, someone else might think that being health and fit is perfect.
But, there is no real definition of perfect, either. Because perfect is only in the eye of the beholder. Perfect is what a person believes.
Beliefs are what make this world so different. Everywhere, in different countries, there are different beliefs. Some places are Christianity, others are Buddhism.
Different religions are always feuding with each other over what they believe is right. But, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, aren't they?
Take Death Eaters, for example. They believe the riding the world of muggles and muggleborns is right, that it is good. I believe that there is no really definition of 'good and evil'. It's all a matter of opinion. Death Eaters think that riding the world of nonmagical and half magical people is the right thing to do. But, the people that are opposed to their beliefs think they are right.
Dumbledore, for example believes that it is right to stop Death Eaters for what they are doing. Which comes back to my theory that Voldemort isn't evil, he just has different opinions from some people. It doesn't make him evil, just different. But, because he is different from societies definition of normal, he is considered evil. I think he is just severely misunderstood.
I don't believe in 'good and evil'. I don't believe that everything is black and white. There are always shades of gray.
Which comes back to why people think and act the way the do. Everyone believes that there is a right and wrong opinion. I don't. I believe that there is only your opinion and your beliefs and if you believe it to be right, then that is what you believe. Nobody should tell you what to think.
Malfoy is the perfect example of this.
His life is run by the opinions of others. He is constantly worried about what other people think of him. He fears rejection. But, why? What caused him to be like that?
Or perhaps it isn't rejection he fears anymore. Perhaps he fears that people will find out that he doesn't fear rejection – if that makes any sense.
In the beginning when I first met him, he feared rejection – he reacted violently to it. But now, it's not the same. When he gets rejected, he still acts like he did when he was a child, but there is no sincerity to it.
What was going through his head when he was a child? What made his way of thinking change?
I remember when he and I were children, just starting at Hogwarts. I remember when I rejected his friendship for fear of losing my first friend – Ron. I remember how violently Malfoy had reacted to the rejection. Even now we still feud about it – we are the greatest rivals Hogwarts had ever known.
But, over the years, his anger toward me because insincere. It wasn't real. Just a facade. But, why? Why did it change? Now, it's just to keep up appearances. What made his anger and fear of rejection recede? Why is he only acting like he fears it now?
At first it was true, venomous hatred. Now it's just a kitten playing games and pretending to be angry.
I believe he still fears rejection. But, a rejection of different sorts. He doesn't fear not being accepted as a friend anymore. I think he fears that his father would reject him if he didn't act a certain way. The way that his father considers normal.
Everybody knows what Malfoy is like, nobody says anything. Everybody knows that he is gay, nobody cares – except his father.
That's another thing? What makes him gay? Why does he find males more appealing than females? Though, I should probably know that answer, seeing as I'm in the same boat as him. But, I think homosexuality is different for everyone.
Sometimes I wish I could read minds – for perform perfect Legilimens.
The only thing I know for certain is that nobody has picked up on the fact that the rivalry between Malfoy and I is a facade. I guess people just aren't as observant as I am. Maybe it's because everyone is too self-centered to care about anyone but themselves. But, why?
Does that make me too different from everyone else? I reckon that Malfoy feels the same way I do about other people. The way he interacts around people tells me that he notices all the little flaws and odd actions that I do.
Why are Malfoy and I the only ones that seem to observe the people around us? Why are we the only ones that are so different from everyone else?
Is there something wrong with us? Are we deformed in our way of thinking? Or maybe it's everyone else. Maybe everyone else is too narrow-minded to consider all these thoughts. Or maybe they are too complex for people?
I think it's a good thing that people don't realize the facade between Malfoy and I. It could probably cause a lot of problems and suspicions.
But, it makes me wonder why Malfoy and I think the same in that sense. What makes me think like this? If I can't figure that out than how do I expect to figure Malfoy out?
Malfoy is the ultimate enigma to me. I can't figure him out until I figure myself out. But, why is it like that? Why can't I figure out myself? I should know myself inside and out. But, it seems that I don't. It seems that I understand Malfoy better than I understand myself.
It makes me wonder what kind of conversation Malfoy and I could have on this topic. I think it could be a groundbreaking conversation. A debate that would never end because everything is constantly changing.
I reckon if I went about it the right way, Malfoy would accept the invite to this topic of conversation.
I know that as much as he and I argue all the time, it's all false. I can see it in his eyes that he doesn't mean what he is saying, that it's all pretend. I know that it is the same way for myself. I can see the way Malfoy looks at me sometimes – that longing for friendship, maybe even more.
I know this because Malfoy is my favourite person to observe. Is it possible that it's because he and I are more alike than either of us could ever realize? Perhaps.
Perhaps we are so much a like and that is why we keep up the appearances, we fear the awkwardness that would come out of being civil with one another. It is that fear that makes us constantly fight.
We are constantly getting a detention because our fights become physical. Each time they escalate more and more. It started out as just pushing and shoving and progressed to pinning each other to things – walls, floors, desks, whatever is available.
Something about our fights always stir something inside of me. I'm not sure what it is. Though, I think I might know, I'm just in denial about it. I think Malfoy feels the same thing I'm trying to deny, maybe that's why the fights keep getting worse and worse.
I can see it in his eyes when he has be pinned down. As much as he tries to cover it up with anger and hatred. It's still there. It's something that is too powerful to cover up – lust. It is there, we both know it. But, we both try to deny it. Why, though, when we both know we want it? What harm could come from giving into out instincts?
Though, now that I've admitted to myself that I lust for him. I can't figure out why? What do I see in him that makes him lust worthy? What does he see in me? Is it the comfort of knowing that we know each other inside and out despite the lack of actual conversation? Is it the fact that we still accept each other no matter what?
What if one of us confronted the other about the situation that we both know is there? What would happen? How would I react if he said something like that to me? Probably the way everyone expects me to act – only because it is what is considered normal. I won't deny the fact that I strive to be normal, too.
I reckon he would probably react the same way.
But, what if we didn't say anything? What if we just did? Would I push him away if he advanced on me? Or would I allow it? What would he do? Would he accept my declaration? Or would he belittle me about it?
I wish I knew what everyone was thinking all the time. Life would be so much easier to understand. But, it might make everything more complicated. Because even though I know what everyone is thinking, it doesn't mean I know why.
Though, I admit, I would like to know what Malfoy thinks during out encounters. It might make my decisions a lot easier.
But, I guess I'll never know. Malfoy will forever be the enigma that I am trying to solve.
If anyone is unclear of anything that has been written in this one-shot, please feel free to ask and/or talk about it. I'm sure that there is at least one person out there that can relate with these thoughts and ideas. I'm always open to chatting about them, so feel free to contact me if you wish.
Until next time
- Wykked As Syn