Title: That's How You Know, Chapter 1a
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None, besides the plot of a three year old movie and the existence of Blaine.
Warnings: Crack. Absolute crack. Probably not as funny as you'd think. Word Count: 2399
Summary: Fill for an anon prompt over at the kurt_blaine LJ comm, Enchanted AU where Blaine is Giselle and Kurt is Robert. Madness ensues.
Once upon a time, in a magical kingdom known as Daltonasia, there lived an evil queen named Rachel Berry. Selfish and cruel, she lived in fear that one day her stepson would marry, and she would lose her throne forever. If she was not queen, she would no longer have control over who got the solos in the Royal Choire. (She, of course, sang all of the solos) And so, she did all in her power to prevent the prince from meeting that one special gentleman with whom he would share true love's kiss.
~
Deep in the forest of Daltonasia, in a house up in a tree, a handsome young man with dark hair and sparkling hazel eyes stood in the middle of the room, deep in thought. He was facing a mannequin dressed in men's clothing, and made a sort of 'hmm'. Suddenly, two yellow canaries flew in through the open window.
"Blaine, Blaine, how about this for your statue?" Blaine held out his hand, and they dropped a strip of black cloth. He draped it around the neck of the mannequin, tying it in a sort of knot so it resembled a tie.
"Thank you! It's perfect." A larger canary that had been sitting on Blaine's shoulder rose into the air, flapping his wings.
"C'mon, Warblers, let's give this thing a face while it's still in Blaine's subcranium." There was a flurry of movement as more canaries came in, each carrying things that would possibly serve as features for the giant doll. Blaine made one last adjustment to the tie and smiled.
"There we go." He sighed happily. "Oh, Pavarotti, it was such a lovely dream." He began to spin, feet moving gracefully across the floor as he spoke. "We were holding hands, and dancing, and...oh!" Another canary nudged his hand with its beak, dropping two blue jewels. Blaine swiped them out of the air just in time.
"And these for the eyes?" the bird said. Blaine nodded, a ridiculous grin still plastered to his face.
"Blue! Oh, how did you know?" He held them up to his own eyes. "And they sparkle, just like his." One canary with the feathers on his head sticking straight, perched on the head of the mannequin, nudged the canary sitting beside him.
"David, I think I'm getting a cavity." Blaine stuck his tongue out at them and put the jewels on, tongue stuck out of the corner of his mouth in concentration.
"There...we...go!" He took a step back, beaming. "Yes! That's it." The chorus of canaries chirped in approval. They had moved to the floor behind Blaine, waiting for a command. Pavarotti flew down to join them.
"The floor is yours, honey." Blaine turned and pushed the mannequin out in front of him, gesturing grandly.
"Presenting my one true love. My prince." He was almost breathless now, remembering his beautiful dream and the beautiful prince in it. "My dream come true." The canaries oohed, but Blaine's smile turned into a frown. He turned to the mannequin, an outstretched hand barely brushing its face.
"Oh my goodness!"
"What's wrong?" Pavarotti chirped in concern, and Blaine turned back to them with an expression like a kicked puppy on his face.
"I forgot the lips."
"Does it have to have lips?" David the canary asked, and Blaine bent down.
"Of course it does." He took in a large breath of air, and the canaries could tell that he was about to sing. It wasn't that they didn't mind singing, they were canaries after all, but Blaine sang more than any bird they had ever met. Even though he had a wonderful voice, and they all loved Blaine, there was only so much a bird could take.
"Hold on," Pavarotti said, flying back up to perch on Blaine's shoulder. "Can we just cut to the chase, kid?" Blaine gave a long suffering sigh.
"You need lips for kissing. I'll never get my true love's kiss if he doesn't have any lips to kiss with!" Pavarotti thought that maybe Blaine was taking the mannequin thing a bit too far, but that obviously wasn't up for discussion at the moment. The bird sighed.
"You know what? Never mind. Go ahead and sing about it." Blaine was all smiles again, and he loped over to his vanity, where he sat and picked up a hairbrush.
"I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss," he finished brushing his hair and rested his chin in his hands, setting his dreamy gaze on the mannequin in the corner. "And a prince I'm hoping comes with this." He continued to sing, twirling around the room with graceful ease. The canaries resignedly started to sing backup for him, until Blaine stopped at the window. "If we're going to find the perfect pair of lips, we're going to need a lot more help," he said, a new, determined edge to his voice. Blaine leaned out of the window, cupping his hands around his mouth. "Aaaaaaah, aaaaah, aaaaaah," he called, voice fluctuating between higher and lower octaves. There was a beat, and he was answered by the many creatures of the forest. A flood of animals, from frogs to quails to rabbits were headed for the tree cottage, singing as they arrived.
"He's been dreaming of a true love's kiss, and a prince he hopes will come with this." They continued to sing as they lined up in the cottage, passing possible choices for lips down the line of animals. Blaine positioned himself at the front, facing the mannequin, holding each choice up to its face as it was passed to him. For each one he shook his head, handing the rejected item to Pavarotti, who dropped it in a pile. After a worm that had popped up from an apple crawled away with a disgusted expression on its face after the handsome young man tried to use it as lips for his prince, Blaine shrugged and sat on the leg of the mannequin, clasping his hands together and batting his dark eyelashes at it. He started to sing again, more subdued but with a voice that still positively sparkled with happiness.
"So to spend a life of endless bliss," he snuggled closer to the mannequin as three of the canaries dropped a heart woven from roses over the two of them, "Just find who you love through true love's kiss." The canaries finished their background vocals, and Blaine sighed, closing his eyes.
Not very far away, a blonde young man with a rather large mouth and giant sleeves leaned forward on his horse, flicking the reins as his horse galloped forward.
"Hiyah!" He was chasing a troll, which tripped and fell on the ground with a thud, stirring up a cloud of dust. It was already bound, and just kind of laid there with a resigned expression on it's face. The blonde leapt off of his horse and on to the troll, adopting a triumphant expression as he slid down it's back. A rather creepy-looking man with an afro of brown hair and glasses covering dull eyes (not unlike the troll's) scrambled up the monster's face.
"Very nice, very nice catch, Prince Sam. That's your tenth troll this month! " Sam gave the man a hand, heaving him up to a place where they could both stand without falling.
"Trolls are fine to pass the time, Jacob, but my heart longs to be joined in song!" He grabbed Jacob and pulled the other close to his chest, lifting the smaller man up and spinning him around through the air. "I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss!" He was about to go on when Blaine's voice, echoing through the trees, interrupted.
"And a prince I'm hoping comes with this." Sam stopped, dropping Jacob.
"Do you hear that, Jacob?"
"What, no! I hear nothing, your majesty!" Jacob stuttered, adjusting his hat.
"Jacob! I must find the gentleman that belongs to that wonderful voice!" Without another word, he leapt back on his horse and took off towards the tree house. "Ride, Destiny!"
"No! Come back, sire!" Jacob protested, somehow making his way down to the ground without falling. But Sam would hear none of it.
Jacob ran after him for a few paces, still making protesting noises. He finally stopped when Sam was out of sight, and groaned, mopping his face with a handkerchief.
"All these years of troll hunting! He was never suppose to meet anyone. Now Queen Rachel will never let me into her panty drawer." He was truly distraught. And then the troll sang.
"True love's kiss..." A smile slowly appeared on the man's face, as a truly rare thing happened in Jacob Ben Israel's life. He had a good idea.
Sam rode through the forest, sending up puddles of water gracefully flying in the air behind him and managing to avoid crushing any of the beautiful flora.
"Aaaaaah, true love's kiss. Aaaaaa-" Sam stopped singing and frowned as he became aware of a pounding noise behind him. Like giant footsteps. He looked behind him to see the troll, free of its bonds, running behind him.
"True love's kiss," it sang, and overtook Sam. The prince realized that it was headed for the same place he was and shook his head.
"You shall not prevail, foul troll! That gentleman is mine!" He leaned forward, pushing his steed to go faster.
Blaine sat on his window seat, staring out into the forest with a dreamy look in his eyes. Pavarotti hopped up on to his shoulder.
"Honey...do you really think your dream guy exists?" Blaine gave him a reproachful look, as if Pavarotti was forgetting some crucial piece of information.
"Of course he does, Pav. I know he's out there somewhere." He looked at the Warblers, all perched in various places around the room, who were suddenly shaking in terror.
"Uh. Blaine. You might want to..."
"What, Wes? What is it?" And then, he saw out of the corner of his vision the eye of a troll outside of his window.
"I'm going to eat you now," it rumbled. Blaine gave a scream that could only be described as girlish and leaped off of the seat as the troll stuck a meaty hand through the window. The canaries started to chirp in terror, rising in a cloud of yellow feathers. The troll stuck its other hand though the chimney, and grabbed the mannequin. "Gotcha!" Blaine scrambled though another window on to the flat roof of his house and away from the monster. "Hey!" it shouted angrily, casting away the mannequin and climbing the house, crushing it as he went. "That's cheating!" Blaine was shimmying up a tree branch as fast as he could go, which in hindsight (as the troll got closer) did not seem like the best idea. "I'm suppose to eat you!" It tried to climb up the branch, causing it to bend violently and Blaine to slide towards the end. Looking down for a moment, Blaine saw Prince Sam far below him.
"Fear not, fair gentleman! I've come to rescue you!" Blaine giggled and blushed, but another look at the troll had him sober again. Arms still wrapped around the branch, Blaine lost his footing. Grunting, he grabbed on to the next branch. The one the troll still attempted to climb snapped back, and the monster was cast far across the forest. Blaine attempted to heave himself up and failed, hanging on by only one hand now.
"Pavarotti!" He cried, and the canary flew over, trying to think of something he could do to help. (Canaries are not very large, and Pavarotti did not have super-strength) Stupidly, the bird tried to grab Blaine's hand with his beak, and Blaine lost his hold completely. His descent through the trees was relatively painful, and he yelled all the way down. Bracing himself for an even more painful landing, much was his surprise when he landed in the lap of the handsome blonde boy. Blinking stupidly for a moment, he just looked at Sam.
"Oh my gosh...it's you!" Sam looked at Blaine seriously and nodded.
"Yes. It's me. And you are?" Blaine blushed.
"Blaine." Sam threw his hands up in the air in triumph.
"Blaine!" he crowed loudly, and took the other boy in his arms. "We shall be married in the morning!" He flicked the reins on his horse and they began to ride. Sam began to sing, eager to hear the other's voice again. "You're the fairest man I've ever met. You were made-"
"To finish your duet," Blaine cut in, beaming. They continued towards the edge of the forest, singing together now. "And in years to come we'll reminisce." "How we came to love-" "And grew and grew love-" "Since we first knew love through true love's kiss!
Queen Rachel stared in disbelief at the scene in her magic swirling mirror.
"So, this is the competition who thinks that he can steal my throne and my solos." Her eyes flashed a sickly green color. She made a gesture with her hands, and there was an explosion. Rachel was now a dragon, twenty feet tall. She gave a little cough, and a ball of fire erupted from her throat. A broad smile came across her face, one like a cat that caught a mouse. "We'll just see about that."