Another Leo and Raph sitcom episode. I love getting them stuck someplace together to just shoot the breeze. Song I'm thinking of is "Ancestors" by Bjork. I heard it and nearly had a panic attack. Saw something about Leo having migraines and liked the idea, although I don't know if it's canon. I thought I'd try to work around it. Sorry for stealing your idea, Moonsetta. And I have never actually seen the video in question, but I know about it and have no intention of ever watching it.
A van is parked on an abandoned city street near a warehouse. It has tinted windows and the muffled sound of smooth R&B sex music can be heard. An elderly couple walk past the van.
Old Man – They should have more cops out here. People having sex out on the street. It's indecent.
Inside the van, Leonardo is sitting in the driver's seat while Raphael sits next to him in the passenger seat. Both are dressed in winter clothing. Raphael has a Thermos in his hands and is trying unsuccessfully to open it.
Leonardo – Want me to open it?
Raphael – Nope.
Leonardo – Take off your mittens.
Raphael – Too cold.
Leonardo – Fine. I want some when you get it open.
Raphael – You bring a cup?
Leonardo – No. I'll just drink from the Thermos.
Raphael – Oh, no you won't. If you wanted coffee, you should have brought your own.
Leonardo scoffs dramatically and Raphael rolls his eyes as he still struggles to open the Thermos.
Leonardo – I didn't bring one because I saw that you had one. We left home and Don told you to bring coffee because it'll be cold and we'll be here who knows how long. Our shift change isn't until 6pm. I want some coffee, damn it.
Raphael – I don't want your cootie filled spit in my Thermos.
Leonardo – What do you mean? We use the same toothbrush.
There is brief silence except for Raph's mild grunting as he tries to open the Thermos and the sound of the smooth, sexy music.
Leonardo – Why are we listening to this?
Raphael – You don't like Cee-Lo Green?
Leonardo – That's not the issue. It's making me unnecessarily lustful.
Raphael – Aw, you don't get lustful, Fearless. You're too perfect for that.
The Thermos lid pops off.
Raphael – Let's go out and get some women in here.
Leonardo – What women? Do you see any women around?
Raphael – No. We'd have to go pick them up.
Raphael drinks from the Thermos and Leonardo watches enviously.
Leonardo – Can I have some?
Raphael – No.
Leonardo snatches the Thermos and drinks from it anyway.
Leonardo – What women would want to be picked up by us? This coffee is awful. Don's coffee is usually so good.
Raphael – April made this if you must know.
Leonardo sighs.
Leonardo – The only woman in the whole city that knows us and…
Raphael – Don't even start with that shit.
Leonardo – What? I was going to say that she makes bad coffee.
Raphael – You were going to say that she'd rather mother us than go to bed with us.
Leonardo – You're disgusting, Raph. I'm turning this off. It's putting us into a questionable mood.
Raphael – I can't believe you don't like Cee-Lo.
Leonardo – Nor can I believe the opposite of you. You just like him because he uses the f-word as much as you do.
Raphael – Now, Leo, if you're going to swear, go for the fucking gold. Why are we waiting out here? Let's just go find them. I hate this stakeout business.
Leonardo – We don't know where they're coming from and we don't know when they'll get here. Do you want to get out and sit in the freezing cold warehouse for three days?
Raphael – I have to seriously piss. Do we have a bottle?
Leonardo leans back and pulls out an empty Mountain Dew two liter and hands it off to Raph. Raphael fumbles with his Carhartt pants, but can't manage to get them open with his mittens on.
Leonardo – Might need to take those off now.
Raphael – I don't need to take the pants off. That's why they have flies.
He moves into several strange positions trying to open his fly.
Leonardo – I meant the mittens.
Raphael – Can't get the lid off this fucking bottle.
Leonardo snatches it from him, opens the lid and hands it back.
Leonardo – You are so helpless sometimes.
Raphael urinates in the bottle and hands it back to Leonardo, who takes it without thinking.
Leonardo – Oh, gross. It's warm! Why didn't you just throw it in the back?
Raphael – I can't find the cap.
Leonardo balances the bottle full of urine between his legs while he searches the floor for the bottle cap. Eventually, he finds it, caps it and throws it in the back. He inserts a CD in the radio. The sounds of ragged breathing and abstract noises fill the van.
Raphael – Not that Bjork bitch. Sounds like the soundtrack to a horror movie or the inside of a rapist's mind. I bet that's why you like it, right?
Leonardo – Huh?
Raphael – Nothing.
Leonardo – Did you just insinuate that I'm a rapist?
Raphael – What's with all the throat noises in this? Sounds like she's possessed.
Leonardo – It's post-modern.
Raphael makes troubled expressions as the vocalist seems to go crazy. He pulls out a touch screen phone.
Leonardo – Any messages?
Raphael – None of your business. Don told me the temperature.
Leonardo – What is it?
Raphael – I don't know. It's in Kelvin. Smartass.
Leonardo – I'll play something else if it makes you happy.
Raphael – I would be elated if you played something else.
Leonardo plays another CD.
Raphael – What!
Leonardo giggles as Raphael reaches out, pretending to throttle him.
Leonardo – Hey, you said you wanted to hear something else.
Raphael – This chanting monk with orgasm crap?
Leonardo – It's relaxing.
Raphael – It's musical porn. And you thought that Cee-Lo was bad. Why is every song about sex?
Leonardo – It's what makes the earth go round.
Raphael – Gravity makes the earth go round. Sex just keeps organisms on it as it spins, I guess. Except turtles. You ever think about how we're the first and last of our kind? Wrap your head around that.
Leonardo – I try not to.
Leonardo rubs the back of his neck and grimaces.
Raphael – What's up?
Leonardo – Just… my neck's hurt since yesterday. I think I'm getting a migraine.
Raphael – Really? You haven't had one in a few years. I thought you grew out of those.
Leonardo – Yeah, I hope so. Can you turn that down?
Raphael – It's your music. I mean, you put it on…
Leonardo – Just turn it off! It would be nice if I didn't have to ask everybody to do things more than twice. Do you all have learning disorders!
Raphael turns off the radio.
Raphael – Want to see this Youtube video that Mikey just sent me? It's something about kittens.
Raphael brings up the video and he and Leonardo watch in silence for a few seconds.
Leonardo – I thought this was about kittens. Maybe he sent the wrong link. What are they doing? What's up with the cup?
Raphael – Now, that ain't right.
Leonardo – Holy shit.
Raphael laughs and drops the phone. He laughs until his eyes water. Leonardo picks up the phone and keeps watching, making progressively more disgusted faces.
Raphael – Stop watching. You're going to be sick.
Leonardo – I'm going punish him severely when I get home.
Raphael – Yeah, I bet.
Leonardo – No, I mean it. Why is he looking at this kind of thing? What is it exactly? It must be a fake. Nobody would really do that.
Raphael – Looked pretty real to me.
Raphael browses on his phone.
Leonardo – Who would let that get out in the open? Do whatever you want in the privacy of your own home, you know. But people watching…
Raphael – It's a trailer for a fetish porno called "Hungry Bitches." That's awesome.
Leonardo – People pay to see that?
Raphael – Come on. We've seen worse.
Leonardo takes Raphael's phone and dials a number.
Leonardo – Hey, Mikey. I just got your video. Why are you looking at ads for porn where women eat excrement and vomit? (pause as he listens to Mikey with a severe expression) Not good enough. You're doing flips. Shut up. I'm serious. Just because it's out there, does that mean we have to look at it? Has Don seen it? Well, he's doing flips too then. What do you mean, am I doing flips? Yes, I saw it. Well, you didn't tell us what it was.
Raphael – You said in the link it was cats playing patty cake!
Leonardo – You hear that? You lied to us and you corrupted poor Raph's mind. You know how innocent and pure he is.
Raphael laughs. Leonardo hangs up.
A few hours later the van is quiet. Leonardo is holding his head in hands while Raphael reads a magazine, his knees up on the dashboard.
Raphael – You okay?
Leonardo – Not really. I can't see on the left side now. So it's coming on soon.
Raphael puts the magazine aside with concern.
Raphael – Need anything?
Leonardo – Yeah, I need the foot to wait a day or two until this goes away so that we don't get killed.
Raphael takes out his phone again and dials a number.
Raphael – Yeah, it's me. Raphael. How many of them do you know? I need you to buy some Excedrin and bring it down to the stakeout. No, we don't have any action yet.
Leonardo is watching him, clearly strained.
Raphael – Nothing. I got a cramp. Yeah, I'm on the rag.
Leonardo laughs and then holds his head. Raphael hangs up the phone.
Raphael – Casey'll be here in a while with some drugs.
Leonardo – Thanks.
Raphael – Want to hear your mystical sex music?
Leonardo – No.
Raphael – Okay. Want some coffee? It's cold now.
Leonardo – I'm fine.
Leonardo quickly opens the van door and vomits out onto the pavement.
An hour or so later, Leonardo has reclined the driver's seat and is lying on his side, clearly in pain.
Raphael – How you feeling?
Leonardo – Hurts. Sorry about this. You can't turn on any lights or listen to anything. I'm going to shut up because it's making it hurt more.
Raphael – Don't mind me. I'm the one who's fine. I'm just going to watch that video with the girls shitting in the cup.
Leonardo laughs.
Leonardo – Ouch. Don't make me laugh.
Raphael pats him awkwardly on the arm a few a times. There's a knock on the window.
Leonardo – It's April.
Raphael rolls down the window. April is holding a small plastic grocery bag.
April – Hey, what's up? Hey, handsome.
Leonardo – Hi.
April – What's wrong? Are you sick?
Raphael – No, he's just trying to take a nap. Needs his beauty sleep. He's so ugly, you know.
April – I don't know. He looks pale.
Raphael – Want to get in? We were talking earlier about how we need more sexy women in our lives.
April – Sorry. You'll have to suffer without me. Here's you Excedrin. So who's hung over?
Leonardo – Me.
April – Leo!
Leonardo groans.
April – Anyway, I brought you both some warm food. Thought you would be tired of chips and jerky.
Raphael grabs the food out of her hands.
Raphael – I could kiss you for this.
April puckers up her lips. Raphael makes a face and starts rolling up the window. She laughs and puts her hand on the glass to stop him.
April – It isn't too flattering to hear disgust from a guy at the idea of kissing you.
Raphael – I assume the veggie burger is yours, precious?
Leonardo rolls over.
Raphael – He's not hungry, I guess. Thanks, though.
April – Hope you feel better, Leo.
Leonardo – Yeah, me too.
April leaves and Raphael rolls up the window. He offers the burger to Leonardo.
Leonardo – I can't. Oh, the smell's making me sick.
Raphael – Sorry. I'll eat quick.
Leonardo opens the car door again and vomits.
Raphael – How much did you eat this morning?
Leonardo – Just shut up. Turn the heater off.
Raphael sighs and turns off the heater as he scarfs down his burger. Leonardo sniffs quietly and Raphael watches him warily for signs of crying. Raphael vacantly sings to himself.
Raphael – I see you driving 'round town
With the girl I love and I'm like,
Fuck you!
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough I'm like,
Fuck you!
And fuck her too!
Leonardo – Shut up!
Raphael – What am I supposed to do while you're having your attack? Want me to get out of the car? Would that be better! Fine! I'll leave you alone!
Leoanardo – No, don't. I'm sorry.
Raphael – I'm calling Don. You need to go home.
Leonardo – I'm fine.
Raphael hums the song to himself for a while.
Leonardo – Why are you taller than me?
Raphael – You stopped growing.
Leonardo – I wish I was taller. Son of a bitch!
Leonardo holds his head with a look of intense pain. Raphael whips out his phone and dials.
Raphael – Yeah, Leo's brain is about to explode. Why don't you and Mikey get ready early. Migraine, I guess. Fast as you can, doctor.
Leonardo is whimpering in pain.
Raphael – Don says you should meditate.
Leonardo – Well, tell him I'll shove his bo up his ass.
Raphael – He says thanks for the suggestion. Yeah, I know you can hear him.
Leonardo – Please be quiet. I can't see anything.
Raphael – HE'S FUCKING BLIND! DON'T TELL ME THAT'S NORMAL!
Leonardo cries weakly at the noise.
Raphael – Oh, sorry, man.
He hangs up suddenly and hovers uncertainly.
Raphael – Shut your eyes and meditate. Control the pain and all that. Come on. Shut your eyes. You're blind anyway. There's nothing to see. You're good at this.
Leonardo shuts his eyes and breathes deeply.
Raphael – Want me to knock you out?
Leonardo – No! What is wrong with you!
Raphael – Don't go all angst-splatter on me.
Leonardo – What?
Raphael – That's what I call it in my head when I go crazy.
Leonardo – Don't try to help me! I don't need your help! All you do is screw things up anyway!
Raphael – WELL, WHY DON'T I JUST GET FAIL TATTOOED ACROSS MY FOREHEAD!
Raphael stomps out of the van and slams the door. Leonardo cries out at the sound. He reclines in the driver's seat alternately meditating and stewing in anger. The door opens after a few minutes and Raphael gets back in, crossing his arms and sulking.
Raphael – Too cold and I gotta stay and watch for the foot since you're too weak to do it.
Leonardo pulls out a cell phone from his pants.
Leonardo – I'm going to take your picture.
Raphael – Wow, you sounded so sad when you said that.
Leonardo – Okay, now look decent for a change. I know that's real hard for you.
Raphael poses, leaning back against the car door, trying to look really suave.
Leonardo – You ready yet?
Raphael – Not yet. Give me a sec.
Leonardo – You look like you're auditioning for Playgirl. Cut it out.
Raphael – Ready.
Leonardo takes the picture and winces at the flash. They both look at the picture.
Raphael – Cool. I look like a pimp. I'm going to take your picture now.
Leonardo makes an exaggerated sad face.
Raphael – I'm not taking your picture if you're going to look like Mikey.
Leonardo – I want to document how I feel.
Raphael – Fine. Here you go.
Raphael takes his picture. They again look at the camera.
Raphael – Aw. Poor puppy. Hey, you can see! It's a miracle!
Leonardo – Yeah, the Excedrin's working. We should clean up in here before they get here.
Raphael – Yeah, I'm going to dump the bottle. We don't need a 1 Girl, 1 Two-Liter situation when we get home.
Leonardo laughs and holds his head.
The End