New Moon: The Abridged Version
The second installation of 'Twilight', 'New Moon' opens in the meadow of joy and wonder where Bella and Edward first professed their twu wuv 4 evar. It's a little mysterious as to why no one else ever goes to this meadow, but we start there. Because Smeyer said so.
BELLA: I love you, Edward!
EDWARD: I love you, roast chicken! – I mean, Bella!
BELLA: OH HOLY SHIT I'M OLD!
EDWARD: That's sexy...
AUTHOR: You have a granny fetish now? Pervert...
Fortunately for Bella, it was all a dream. Obviously. Smeyer would never do that to herself.
BELLA: Yay! It's my birthday, so I'm totally shunning all my human friends and family in favour of my vampire friends!
CHARLIE: Happy 18th birthday, my wonderful and not selfish daughter! Have this extremely expensive camera and a gold necklace! It only cost me my entire salary for the last nine years, but that's nothing considering how much I love you!
BELLA: Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'm going to ignore you!
CHARLIE: But-but-but-but-
SMEYER: You aren't important, human filth!
At the Cullen's stupid treehouse thing in the middle of the woods...where no one can hear you scream.
ALICE: I forsee great trouble...
EDWARD: It's your birthday! I'm so happy you're still on the menu! – I mean, human!
BELLA: But I'm really old!
EDWARD: Yeah, I like it that way...
AUTHOR: Ew...
CARLISLE: I thought it would probably be a good idea to make sure Jasper didn't eat any cute bunnies this morning so we can actually have a not-very-life-threatening incident right about now.
BELLA: Don't be silly, I trust you all with my life!
EDWARD: Yay! Now open your presents.
BELLA: But that means I'm old!
EDWARD: Yeah...
AUTHOR: Ew...
Bella proceeds to open a small box wrapped in razor wire. She cuts her finger and most of her blood comes pumping out, despite the fact her finger has nowhere near the arterial capacity it takes to have that much blood coming out in one place. But hell, I didn't write it.
JASPER: OM NOM NOM NOM tasty roast chicken!
EDWARD: Hey! That's my roast chicken! – I mean, girlfriend!
CARLISLE: I am supposedly English; therefore I will save the day!
He does so.
EDWARD: We nearly killed you!
BELLA: Then make me like you!
EDWARD: Never!
BELLA: Pwease?
EDWARD: I'm leaving you! It's for your own good!
BELLA: !eleven!11!1!one!
Edward flies off into the forest. Bella sinks onto the ground and has a tantrum. About four months pass. Bella sits on the forest floor rocking back and forth.
BEAR: TASTY HUMAN!
BELLA: Please eat me! I hate my life!
BEAR: OM NOM NOM NOM!
And Bella was no more.
SMEYER: Hang on a second, I didn't write that!
AUTHOR: Uh, yes you did...
SMEYER: PUT IT HOW I DID IT!
AUTHOR: But being eaten by a bear is preferable to the state of emotional trauma Edward inflicted by leaving her after establishing a completely co-dependent relationship! It will take years of intensive therapy to break that bond, not to mention how she-
SMEYER: It's TWU WUV not a co-dependent relationship! Tweens would never buy the book if they knew their heroine was so mentally unbalanced!
AUTHOR: It isn't healthy to educate them that true love involves complete co-dependency. It's actually a form of abuse, you know.
SMEYER: Well, I never said my books were wholesome...
AUTHOR: [facepalm].
A bear doesn't eat Bella. Unfortunately. And it was more like four hours.
SAM: Hello Bella, I am Sam! I have just recently been invented because Smeyer only just thought of me. I have come to rescue you.
BELLA: Meh.
SAM: Excuse me while I remove my shirt.
He removes his shirt and carries Bella back to her house.
CHARLIE: Bella! I was so worried about you!
BELLA: Meh.
CHARLIE: But I'm trying to be a good parent now!
BELLA: Meh.
CHARLIE: Alright, I give up. Do you want to sit in your room for four months, skip school and pretend everyone except you and your little ball of useless self-pity doesn't exist?
BELLA: Meh.
CHARLIE: I'll take that as a yes.
Bella spends the next four months moping. And having retarded dreams that require her to scream like a retarded retard and thrash around like she's having some retarded orgasm. Four months is now over.
JACOB: Hello Bella, I'm really bored!
BELLA: Me too! I just wasted four months of my life moping and not going to school! I wonder how I got away with that!
JACOB: I know, that's so illegal! Wanna build a motorbike and nearly kill yourself?
BELLA: Sure, I love dying!
CHARLIE: You haven't gone all suicidal, have you?
BELLA: [cutting wrist with a bread knife] Nope.
There is a video montage of motorbike building, friendly bonding and quasi-flirting between Bella and Jacob. Bella rides the bike, steering with her feet and playing a trombone while doing a wheelie. She crashes into a tree, the bike falls on top of her and she is crushed to death.
SMEYER: Hold on a second, I didn't write that either! Are you trying to kill my characters off again?
AUTHOR: Nope...
SMEYER: She doesn't die!
AUTHOR: Fine...
She miraculously survives, despite having a massively heavy bike fall on her.
JACOB: Bella! Are you alright!
BELLA: DAMN.
JACOB: Whaa?
BELLA: I didn't die! Is there anything else you native Americans do that is super dangerous?
JACOB: Well, we jump off cliffs sometimes but-
BELLA: LET'S GO!
JACOB: No. It's too dangerous. Now I feel the need to go off and brood a bit in an attempt to win fangirls. Notice my muscles that are totally unnatural for a 17 year old to have?
BELLA: Not really...
JACOB: [takes off shirt] Now?
A thousand unholy screams are heard coming from the woods. Bella goes home and Jacob decides to go and brood.
BELLA: Bored now. I'm going to phone Jacob! Hello, is Jacob there?
BILLY BLACK: He isn't in.
Ten minutes later.
BELLA: Hello, is Jacob there?
BILLY BLACK: He isn't in.
BILLY BLACK: He isn't in.
Ten minutes later.
BELLA: Hello, is Jacob there?
BILLY BLACK: He isn't in.
BILLY BLACK: He isn't in.
Ten minutes later.
BELLA: Hello, is Jacob there?
BILLY BLACK: He isn't in.
BILLY BLACK: He isn't in.
Ten minutes later.
BELLA: Hello, is Jacob there?
BILLY BLACK: He isn't in.
BELLA: WAAAAA WHY DO MEN ALWAYS ABANDON ME?
BILLY BLACK: Hey Bella, tell your dad that I miss him. I could really do with a good-
BELLA: MY MIND IS SCARRED.
Bella spends about three days being bored.
BELLA: I know, I'll try committing suicide again because I'm such a great role model for kids!
She drives down to the nearest hundred-foot cliff. And jumps off.
BELLA: Wow, this is fun! Oh look, a random red thing that looks vaguely like Victoria's hair, hint hint. Not like that's going to have any significance in book three!
She hits the water and breaks her spine on impact because of the way she landed. She is now paralysed from the shoulders down, and consequently drowns.
SMEYER: You did it again!
AUTHOR: Well, how am I supposed to fix this one!
SMEYER: I don't care, just don't kill her!
AUTHOR: But it's so unrealistic!
SMEYER: DO IT.
JACOB: I'll save you, my love!
BELLA: Wuzzah? [Faints]
Jacob drags the unconscious and not paralysed Bella to shore, where he does sexy mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on her. To onlookers, it looks like they're kissing.
BELLA: DOUBLE DAMN.
JACOB: But I love you!
BELLA: Who cares? You'll never be a serious love interest! What happened to your shirt?
JACOB: Someone stole them.
BELLA: Seriously?
JACOB: No.
BELLA: What's been going on! I haven't seen you in like ever!
JACOB: I'm a werewolf now!
BELLA: Okay, now you're a serious love interest!
JACOB: I must take you home so you can explain to Charlie your foolish actions!
BELLA: But that constitutes good parenting!
At Bella's house.
CHARLIE: You did WHAT?
BELLA: I'm very sorry and I won't do it again. Good enough?
CHARLIE: Yep. Now I'm off to fuck Billy.
JACOB: MY MIND IS SCARRED.
AUTHOR: I AM NOT WRITING THAT.
YAOI FANGIRLS: DAMN.
The phone rings. Jacob picks up.
JACOB: Hello, Swan residence? No, he's at the, uh, funeral. Byee!
BELLA: Who was that?
JACOB: Has your dad been cheating on my dad?
BELLA: Not that I know of...
JACOB: Some guy just asked where he was, and since I'm about to go over to my house and kill the both of them for mentally scarring the author, I said 'funeral'.
BELLA: Thanks, it was probably completely unrelated to the plot anyway!
Alice pulls up in a yellow Porsche.
ALICE: Bella! Edward thinks you're dead and is going to Italy!
BELLA: No! All that garlic and Italian people!
ALICE: That's where the Volturi live! I'll explain later! You must leave with me now in this obviously stolen vehicle!
BELLA: Okay!
JACOB: But I love you!
BELLA: Is that all you ever say?
JACOB: But I love you!
BELLA: I'm going now...
Alice and Bella drive at full speed through Liberty City, shooting cops and innocent people alike. They hijack about twelve different cars and get involved in hideous accidents that should kill them but somehow doesn't. They spend a night in a strip club and do a lot of cocaine.
BELLA: Wait a sec, why are we in Grand Theft Auto?
ALICE: I don't know.
AUTHOR: Because I'm trying to kill you, that's why!
SMEYER: Ha! So you admit it!
AUTHOR: I never denied it!
SMEYER: They are NOT in Liberty City, they are now in Volterra, mystical home of the Volturi. This has nothing to do with crime, by the way.
AUTHOR: Except maybe MASS MURDER?
SMEYER: That doesn't count!
Volterra is some random town in Italy. There is a random festival going on where everyone decides to dress up like a looney and walk around town a bit aimlessly.
ALICE: He's going to be in the Piazza del Pizza with Anchovies! You'd better hurry!
Bella pulls out an AK-47 and starts gunning down random people. The police don't really care. She spots Edward.
BELLA: MY LOVE!
EDWARD: Holy crap, now I'm totally tripping! Being dead is like LSD!
Bella realises Edward is naked, but everyone else has failed to notice this fact. I guess there must not be that many fangirls in Italy after all.
FELIX: Too late, moron! We're hauling your sparkly ass down to our dungeon for questioning!
JANE: Mua ha ha ha!
BELLA: Oh no! Whatever shall we do!
EDWARD: We must follow them.
They follow Felix and Jane into a catacomb complex full of spider webs, skeletons, dust and tried puddles of blood. They go into the main chamber, which looks scarily like something out of a bondage magazine. Aro is tied upside down to a St. Andrew's cross in nothing but a leather man-kini and nipple clips. Marcus is chained to the chair by his ankles and is wearing a spiked ball gag and nothing else. Caius is wearing a male chastity belt and is covered in liquid latex. Jane rips off her cloak to reveal an ero-Loli dress. Felix rips off his cloak to reveal his true form: a cat.
ARO: To what do we owe the most erotic pleasure?
EDWARD: I don't want to die anymore!
ARO: JOIN ME!
EDWARD: And end up tied to a wall being ravaged by beautiful maidens in tight leather? Nah, too extreme for American tweens and their mothers. I think I'll stick to my homey little wifey here.
ALICE: Ah, same. Except for the part about a wife.
BELLA: When did you get here?
ALICE: I don't really know...
ARO: Are you sure you don't want to join our little, ah, club? Pleasure and pain are one and the same thing down here. It's making me so horny...
SMEYER: THIS IS NOT APPROPRIATE MATERIAL FOR TWEENS AND THEIR MOTHERS.
AUTHOR: Yeah, but it would be funny to see their faces if this popped up in one of your shit books.
SMEYER: I would be arrested!
AUTHOR: Is that a bad thing? You've already committed crimes against humanity, what's a bit of hard-core porn to top it off?
EDWARD: Let's just go home.
BELLA: I totally forgive you for emotionally traumatising me and throwing me into a state of catatonia for months in which I didn't study despite the fact I have really important exams in about three months!
ALICE: Yay!
ARO: Jane! Bring out the whips, I really need it right now...
They return to Forks. Everyone except Jacob is happy.
ARO: OH YEAH!
AUTHOR: NOO!